Apologies? What do you think works?

[Beec]

I posted on someone's thread earlier and got to thinking about apologies.

 

I am not talking about an apology for a small faux pas, such as being late by short while, losing something of not tremendous value, damaging something like getting a stain on clothes of a carpet or something, screwing up the directions. Smal faux pas and errors should be apologized for promptly and forgiven and forgotten, so long as they are not habitual.

 

But instead, you have made a big mistake: you got caught drunk picking up someone else; you were so insecure that you became controlling and drove them away; you got caught rummaging throw your new boyfriend's or girlfriend's personal or financial files, or their diary; you hacked into their email or checked soemthing else to sneakily; whatever. The thing is that you have made a big error, a relationship-ending mistake. What do you do to try to begin to get back int their good graces, to get back or save your relationship?

 

If you want a chance with the person your mistake hurt, the obviously you need to do a few things. If the person will just roll over accept what you did and let you get away with it, then I think you should have an issue with that too. Most people, I hope would not, and let's suppose that they do not for the sake of argument. So what do you need to do, and how to apologize.

 

My suggestions:

 

One be truly sorry you screwed up. Faking it just won't work. I mention a lot fo things about body language. One thing about it that it is highly instinctual. Sometimes we don't trust it, but the signals are there and seen and the person who sees your signals picks up on them consciously or subconsciously. If you are faking remorse, she'll see it.

 

Two apologize, but do so without any attempt to win her back. You need to one demonstrate that you are sorry with this, and I bet you have already tried to apologize. But, you might have left somethings out. Don't apologize again, but get them in when you can. What should you send as a message in an apology: 1. Remorse and regret; 2. Recognize the problem, accept blame; 3. Recognize the root of the problem, accept soem responsibility ofr needing to change it; 4. Attempt to atone for your hurt; 5. Advise them of some attempt and effort on your part to make sure you fix the problem or avoid it in the future; 6. Don't expect or ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness will come when they are ready to give it. No moves to get her/him back. This last one is why she is probably giving you the cold shoulder.

 

Three work to demonstrate acutal improvement and the probability that there will be no further problems of this kind.

 

Four, make an indirect approach. See the person and try to appear as if you would accept just being friends. Don't let them know you are expecting or coming only to get them back.

 

Any comments?

[DBL]

I say apologize and move on. If you can't trust the person you are with and you have to check their emails, cell phones, etc...then you're not in a healthy relationship. I you are out picking someone up because you are drunk...once again, that is not a relationship.

 

For small things like being late, yelling, forgetting their anniverssary...apologize and get over it.

 

DBL

[Scout]

Beec, for the big things you described, I seriously doubt any kind of apology will help someone get back into the good graces of a reasonably balanced person with a healthy self-respect. Those kinds of things indicate a serious character flaw in someone. And they will rarely learn just how wrong what they did was if they are forgiven - in fact, the gravity of the situation will be considerably diminished in their mind if they are forgiven.

 

I personally think that when we do something horrible, we have to own up to it, yes apologize, but accept the consequences of what our terrible actions did. Which likely includes losing the person who really meant something to us.

[OceanEyes]

Certain things can be forgiven and dealt with (obviously not forgotten), if the relationship has actually reached a point that both people are in love and share a deeper connection; an attachment is what it really is, but doesn't sound as glamorous, does it?

 

If a guy I was seeing for a couple of months started pulling things like sneaking into my e-mail account, became controlling and abusive, then I don't think I could continue the relationship. I've been in situations like this with guys in the past; guys who have become very controlling or very needy too quickly. Good attraction and healthy chemistry isn't enough when someone shows a part of themself like that.

 

Of course a heartfelt apology helps, but depending on the severity of what he had done, it would probably change the way that I saw him, change the level of trust and respect that I had built for him over the months. So, even if I really did want to just 'forgive and forget', it would probably be too difficult to move past what he had done.

[Beec]

I agree with these things being serious offenses. But, I also know thate very single relationship does not end with a serious offense. Repeat offenses of course are more likely to end things, although many remain with repeat offenders for years.

 

If I pulled something like this, I would not expect my current gf to remain with me, not would I let her remain with me if she pulled one. But, if the apology was real, or one thought it was, would you let them back in after they demonstrated that they were changing.

 

I cheated on a gf many years ago (we are talking in the 1980s). Then someone cheated on me the following year, and I realized how it felt and that I never wanted to make anyone feel that way, and that was the last time I cheated on anyone. So, I changed. We can change.

 

I think with any of these situations, the person needs to demonstrate not just a desire but an effort to change and probably some success.

 

If the person was insecure and became controlling, then realizes it and tries to change that and in fact changes, do you begin to consider letitng them back in? What does it take to get you to consider it?

[Scout]

It would take me a lot of time, to see that they really changed. But the thing is, we do a lot of changing over time, too - including our feelings. So, somewhere down the road I might see the person has truly changed, but my feelings totally died at some point during that time, too.

 

Again, the consequences....

[Day_Walker]

I believe that your method is capable of working. However i believe that there is a limit to what you should be forgiven for. If one of these big mistakes happens one time then forgiveness can happen in most case but what seems to usually be the case is that a multitude mistakes happen over the given time, the last mistake is just the last straw. At a certain point people are going to realize that this person is just going to perpetually make these mistakes.

 

It is best for both individuals to separate when it comes to big mistakes because obviously one person in the relationship isnt able to handle the relationship and needs to find another person thats more appropriate for them or question why they keep making these mistakes.

[vicki]

Apologizing......just what I am considering at the moment...maybe.

 

Although he is the one that broke up with me, and treated me fairly poorly preceeding the breakup, he has been trying (for about 3 weeks now) to make things better, and apologized profusely. Last weekend, I said that I did not trust him (I cannot just turn on the trust button , if you know what I mean, it has to be earned back). He is pretty upset with me for saying that I did not trust him.

 

Although I do not want to apologize for my feelings, I wonder if I should apologize for hurting his? This has turned into a BIG deal....

 

Do you think I should apologize, or let him deal with it?

[hockeyboy]

your going to apologize to him for how you feel because of what he did? i don't know the circumstances, but if you dont trust him, he needs to either a) earn that trust back or b) just say screw it and move on. Its not up to him when you start to trust him again, its really not entirely up to you either.

[Beec]

Apologizing......just what I am considering at the moment...maybe.

 

Although he is the one that broke up with me, and treated me fairly poorly preceeding the breakup, he has been trying (for about 3 weeks now) to make things better, and apologized profusely. Last weekend, I said that I did not trust him (I cannot just turn on the trust button , if you know what I mean, it has to be earned back). He is pretty upset with me for saying that I did not trust him.

 

Although I do not want to apologize for my feelings, I wonder if I should apologize for hurting his? This has turned into a BIG deal....

 

Do you think I should apologize, or let him deal with it?

 

I think perhaps you should explain a bit, with something like an apology. But the thing is what do you not trsut in him, and what happened would be at issue. He may think you don't trust him to be faithful or said that to hurt him, when what you are concerned about is whether he will treat you in that way again.

[vicki]

but if you dont trust him, he needs to either a) earn that trust back or b) just say screw it and move on.

 

Yes...so true. As I said, I was not going to apologize for saying what I said, but only for hurting his feelings. But it is stupid to even do that..what am I thinking?? He does not deserve my trust yet...thanks for setting me straight, hockeyboy..

[vicki]

I think perhaps you should explain a bit, with something like an apology. But the thing is what do you not trsut in him, and what happened would be at issue. He may think you don't trust him to be faithful or said that to hurt him, when what you are concerned about is whether he will treat you in that way again.

 

I sort of explained on the phone a bit last night, without an apology. He is still upset by it. I think he has been really trying lately. But what gets me is he keeps saying that he does not trust himself yet, and is confused what to do. So I think when I said it it, it was partly out of my feelings, and partly I wanted to hurt him. I feel badly for saying it, but not badly for feeling it, if you know what I mean.

[Scout]

You have to be able to honestly communicate in relationships, and if you don't trust him, he needs to know. Do not apologize for feeling that way! He obviously did something to make you feel this distrust...what concerns me is how he has now turned it around to make YOU feel defensive.

[vicki]

he has now turned it around to make YOU feel defensive.

 

Yes, he has, which is why I felt the need to address it. It is not like we had an awful fight or anything. We had a nice day out, and were trying to decide "where to go from here" in our attempt at putting the relationship back together. He started with the "I just don't know what to do" business, and I just blurted out that I did not trust him, and was still a bit angry with him. I was just being honest, and wanted to imply that he needed to earn it back, but it just did not come out that way.

But why do I feel badly...I did not ask to be put in this position in the first place?

[dirtbubble]

I grew up in a culture that puts a high premium on forgiveness. Maybe too high. An unintended consequence of that is I constantly feel like apologizing to regain peace. I have been criticized by several close friends for apologizing to much. This of course stems out of their scathing criticisms for which I have no remedy except apology.

 

Gee, I'm sorry I apologize too much.

 

I have realized that forgiveness is a learned mental trick, and many people are not very skilled in it. Most people hold grudges. Most people blame others. I can forgive quite easily. My forgiving nature has put me in harm's way and in fact I am paying the price for it today in a most brutal way. I have had to learn that it is sometimes better to not to forgive certain offenses.

 

As for apologizing, I have had to learn to only be sorry for my own mistakes, and to remain proud with faith that I am growing and changing for the better. I keep my apologies to a minimum, and save them for my really big mistakes--which I hope to never make or repeat.

[Beec]

he has now turned it around to make YOU feel defensive.

 

Yes, he has, which is why I felt the need to address it. It is not like we had an awful fight or anything. We had a nice day out, and were trying to decide "where to go from here" in our attempt at putting the relationship back together. He started with the "I just don't know what to do" business, and I just blurted out that I did not trust him, and was still a bit angry with him. I was just being honest, and wanted to imply that he needed to earn it back, but it just did not come out that way.

But why do I feel badly...I did not ask to be put in this position in the first place?

 

Well, then you need to explain that: 1. he hurt you; 2. you won't be with someone who hurts you; 3. he has apologized and you accept it; 4. it will not happen that the hurt goes away overnight; and 5. if he earns your trust mostly by being trustworthy, then there is nothing for him to worry about, you will trust him. Then tell him, otherwise, there is no need to talk about it. Just do it, don't talk.

[Beec]

It would take me a lot of time, to see that they really changed. But the thing is, we do a lot of changing over time, too - including our feelings. So, somewhere down the road I might see the person has truly changed, but my feelings totally died at some point during that time, too.

 

Again, the consequences....

 

I think this kind of follows with the idea I was trying to give. One apologize and demonstrate real remorse; Two change so it is unlikely to happen again; then Three make an approach, preferably indirect, to get them back. I say this only because the person who was hurt may have changed their feelings, but with the right approach, one may be able to restart the fire.

[vicki]

1. he hurt you; 2. you won't be with someone who hurts you; 3. he has apologized and you accept it; 4. it will not happen that the hurt goes away overnight; and 5. if he earns your trust mostly by being trustworthy, then there is nothing for him to worry about, you will trust him. Then tell him, otherwise, there is no need to talk about it. Just do it, don't talk.

 

Regarding #2: What if he says he does not trust himself right now that he will not hurt me again? He is the one that wanted to try things again, but keeps saying he does not trust himself...How do I trust him if he does not even trust himself?

 

I am afraid of getting hurt again, and explained that to him when I explained why I made the statement to him about not trusting him. But he still seems really hurt.

[Beec]

Vicki, I see you having three choices: forget about it and move on; try to somehow convince yourselves you can trust and be trusted; or see what happens. You don't have to make the choice to just go and barrell along head first. Give it some time.

[hockeyboy]

may i ask what he did?

[shockeddismayed]

Hmmm.....

 

You make some very interesting points.

 

I sometimes think that in my relationship, early on I was too apt to make excuses for her behaviour. You see I came into the relationship VERY self-assured, and I could see... she could see... that she had some insecurity and fear of loss issues. So when she behaved poorly I forgave everything.... but did I really?

 

Now I think no. I should have been a little bit harsher on her so that she learned to apologize and to MODERATE her behaviour instead of me always excusing it.

 

With time, what got set up was a dynamic where whenever I did something wrong, I'd apologize right away. Whenver she did something wrong, I'd either (i) excuse it and let things simmer inside, (ii) somehow get tricked into apologizing for HER insecurity, (iii) get more upset than I should have (build up) and end up having apologize for over-reacting. (iv) explain myself reasonably, but get excuses from her (probably because I'd trained her that this was ok) but never really get a true apology.... and then a day later get angry with her for not apologizing lol.

 

Apologizing healthily is a true art.... and one that is TOTALLY tied up in our relationship communication styles.