How can/did you ever trust again?

[trust101]

I mainly want help with the title question cause I know it's sort of long what I wrote. But if you do have the time to read it, thank you. And I'll be forever grateful for your advice. Trust me, I know I'm a stranger and just joined today but I really will be grateful. And after perusing this site on my mobile for the last month I managed to get on my laptop and register. And hopefully I can share some things that will help people, too.

 

Anyways,

I was with my ex for 9 months and I know it's not long but we did fall in love.

We talked about our future, kids, the usual stuff. I know it seems unusual for 9 months but it seemed serious up until 3 days ago. She was my whole life and my motivation. She moved a month ago (back to where both of us grew up) and I was going to move back in 3 years. She said all this (what I now realise was complete horse ****) stuff about waiting for me and being with me forever and a lot of serious stuff that at our age (early 20s) and time span you don't say. So I guess in retrospect I was an idiot not for making that assumption and trusting her and giving her my all. So after she moved she got quite distant and would only contact every now and then. I think the last month we acted more like close friends than lovers but I ignored it because she was under a lot of stress due to final exams. So when she graduated and went home she was still acting distant. It turns out that one of my good mates had screwed me over. We broke up once for one night and I got drunk and I confided in my mate (who I had known since pokemon times, lol 5 or 6) some bad stuff about her (this was early on after 3 months) and he told her everything. Anyway I managed to convince her that was not me and that I was still crazy in love with her. So that was all sorted and the next day she said 'from the bottom of my heart I do love you, but I can't be with you because my dad told me (our families know each other, small community) I can't marry you, because of your mum (my mum and their parents had a huge quarrel once and can't exactly see eye to eye) so I can't be with you. I can't do that to my parents.' This happened 3 days ago and I didn't beg or anything, just said 'Just know I meant everything I said to you, but this will be the last time I'll contact you.' So I went into NC.

The next day, she texted me saying 'I don't want it to be over, we were perfect together, I was crying after we hung up.'

I didn't contact her back.

 

Day 2, no contact from me or from her.

 

Day 3 (today), she texted me saying 'Come back here quickly and when you come, steal me back.' I didn't reply.

 

So I haven't contacted her in 3 days but I don't know what I should do. We were so serious I thought we would end up together. But I realise it's all a big lie on her part so just want some advice on how to trust ANYONE ever again? I certainly won't be trusting my 'good' mate again and if I couldn't trust this girl who I seriously gave my all for and who was my number 1 priority, how can I ever trust anyone again? Oh btw, here's another thing I should have picked up on, last month it was her brother's birthday and then I sort of got to mentioning mine and she didn't even know what date it was. And I sort of had to check my facebook today for some groupwork thing and she came up on my news feed and it seems my ex-mate and gf who screwed me over are now in regular contact with each other and I have this feeling are gonna screw each other, but in a different way if you catch my drift.

 

 

 

 

So I don't know what to do. Any advice? I really, really thought that she truly loved me but I guess not. How do I ever believe another person, let alone a woman again? Right now I feel like if a girl jumped off a cliff to prove her love to me I still wouldn't believe her! That's how cold and paranoid she has made me. What do I do? Please help.

[Edmund Exley]

She's playing games with your emotions mate. She is conflicted obviously, but she shouldn't need "stolen away". To me that tells me she has no interest in betraying her parents wishes.

 

I'm not sure why you couldn't trust another because this. No true trust (other than your mate) was betrayed here, just things not going as planned or hoped for. Everyone has made the type of plans you 2 were making and then had the bottom fall out. You cant not trust others for that.

[betterthan]

I am having the very same struggle. I am not sure how I will be able to trust another man again.

 

Before my ex "R", I was married to a man who cheated on me repeatedly and in the end, left me for one of my very closest friends. As a result when I met R it was very hard for me to trust him, I believe that we worked extremley hard during our relationship in order for me to trust him. I don't believe that he ever cheated on me, in the traditional sense. But I did find a twitter account online where he commented on womens sexy photos, sent them pick up lines and even talked dirty to them. This was only what I could see on the public feed and I am sure that there were more racey private messages exchanged. We had talked about this account almost a year earlier, where I asked him to delete all the naked girls and playboys off there. He told me he decided to delete the entire account because he knew he had been very wrong. Turns out he just changed all his info so that I couldn't find him easily and hid the account for almost a year. When I confronted him with pictures of the account and the comments that he had made to the girls, he just said that he was sorry and that he wasn't perfect and that he didn't want things to end that way.

 

Now I feel like I was fighting for a relationship with someone that didn't even exist. He out right lied to me about this account, over and over. He disrespected me in a public forum, where all his friends could see. I am so hurt by this, and I feel like he turned out to be just another dishonest guy that pulled the wool over my eyes. I thought that he was being open, honest and that I truly could trust him. Boy was I wrong. AGAIN.

 

I told R that I never want to see him again, that I never want any contact with him again. So far he has respected that.

 

I have no idea how to trust another man again. I don't even know how to open up to let another man into my life even for a simple date. He has hurt me so much.

[Edmund Exley]

Betterthan - there was no cheating in the OPs post.

[trust101]

betterhan I do feel for you, the next time I get an inkling the person I'm with is acting indifferent, I'm gonna leave. Yours is somewhat different though, as i'm only surmising that they fooled around and it was after we broke up. But i do know for a fact they are quite friendly with each other now.

EE, you're right she had been and still is playing mind games. But what I don't get is how can she tell me when i graduate and come back to 'steal her back' because things aren't going to change between our families. I really did think she meant it when she told me she wanted to be with me and love me forever. But how could such a simple thing like that get in the way is what I don't get. It was really simple and could have been easily resolved in the future.

[betterthan]

Betterthan - there was no cheating in the OPs post.

 

I realize that, I was merely explaining my reasons for feeling like I won't be able to trust again...

[trust101]

Btw, do you think I should contact her? It's been 3 days since I haven't and I was wondering she has texted me and I haven't responded but what if she calls me and wants it to not be over? I'm certainly not going to contact her but I don't know what I'll do if she does call. She meant the world to me and yeah people go through this stuff but it's just extremely hard to trust anyone again because if she really did love me, really, then she would have found a way to be with me.