Tried to make it work but couldn't - long distance

[chuckee]

The biggest failure of my life so far. I was in a long distance relationship accross states and couldn't make it work. I'm still trying to figure out what I should learn from this horrible experience, except for all the good memories. I was unsure about whether it could work, which made her more emotional. That emotional turbulence made me even more unsure about whether we were right for one another, which led to another cycle of emotion. I tried to go and visit with her or have her come and visit on several occasions. Each time it would be great for the first day or two. Then we would get into a highly emotional argument. Perhaps my biggest regret is one time after we broke up, she asked me to let her know when I started dating again. I didn't want to tell her about each date, so I kept waiting until there was something serious. Then when I did get into a relationship again, I didn't have the heart to tell her. I think partly because that relationship made me realize all the things I appreciated about her and I knew I wanted her back again some day. To tell her would have been to lose her forever. But of course when she asked me about it later, I told her the truth. She was furious of course, which I think wound up dooming our efforts to get back together again. So sad...

[TwelveThirty]

Long distance is really hard.

It's like living all of the difficulties of being in a couple and that of being single at once.

 

But do you feel bad because it didn't work out or because you think you lost all your chances of ever getting back together?

[lilypadgirl]

Like TwelveThirty said, long distance is really hard. It also sounds like you might be struggling with commitment issues which were probably compounded by the long distance. When you're with her you can't seem to commit to being with her but when you're with someone else you want to be with her.

 

In my opinion, you need to figure out what you want from a relationship, what love and commitment means to you, what you are willing to invest and give to a relationship, and what personal fears or beliefs might getting in the way of that.

 

Sometimes the most valuable lessons come from the most painful experiences. Learn from this what you can, take responsibility for your mistakes, forgive her for hers, and most importantly forgive yourself. It's always a failure until it isn't. If you honestly tried your best and there's no more you felt you could have done, then sadly it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Hopefully once you heal from this horrible experience, you'll be left with only the good memories to cherish. Good luck.

[Firesite]

God this really hits home I was also in a long distance relationship before it went sour. I really could relate about seeing the other person after time goes by. After the first day arguments always seemed to happen every time I would see her. It sucks because I think the relationship would have been so much better if it wasn't an LDR.

[chuckee]

Thanks everyone. I think I am sad for both reasons, because it didn't work out and because I feel l've lost all chances of getting back together. I think she believes I cheated on her, but I didn't, I was always faithful. But I think I made her kind of insecure at the end and I feel terribly for that. That's one of the things that I've learned is that you have to always be confident and make her feel very secure, otherwise if you show uncertainty, then the relationship becomes doomed. If we had been able to build up more security and I had been able to make her feel more committed early on then perhaps we could have overcome the distance and the problems later on. So I certainly made plenty of mistakes along the way which kills me. But yes, long distance is extremely hard, which is why I currently feel like I should never get into an LDR again. I think if we were in the same location then probably we could have overcome all of the problems that distance really exacerbated.

 

I have been thinking a lot about what I want from a relationship and what love and commitment mean to me since all this happened. As well as what I'm willing to invest and what baggage holds me back. I think that all the career success in the world doesn't matter if you can't make love work. But I think I need to be able to make my partner feel secure and confident enough that they can understand and help me when I work too hard and too long. I've learned that I need a very emotionally stable partner, but that I also have to take responsibility for creating an environment where she can be emotionally stable. I'm responsible not only for my emotions but for hers as well, I can't blame her. I've also learned more precisely how I was hurt by my parents divorce. I realized that I have to take responsibility for overcoming that, even though it is not easy. Their divorce when I was in high school I think made me overly cautious. I realized that it made me feel that I have to be sure that I will never divorce and that the only way to do that is to have lived and stayed happily together with my partner for a long stretch of time before getting married. But in reality, you can never 100% prevent divorce, you have to take a risk. Plus, being in a long relationship and then breaking up I've realized is not so different from divorcing after marriage but before kids. It can be just as painful I think. So it's not about delaying the marriage decision until you feel secure that the relationship is stable. That delay of commitment in itself can create serious problems, so that's something I have to figure out still. This experience has in some ways made me less confident that I can have a more successful relationship than my parents. But it has also made me more determined to figure out how to do it. Because I cannot bear another experience like this in life.

 

I've also realized that I need to figure out whether I want kids or not before a new relationship and whether that's a deal-breaker or not for me. I think that also led to uncertainty which created problems. If that issue hadn't been there in the beginning then I think we could have gotten into more of a commitment early on that would have inoculated us more against the problems later. I have to know what I'm willing to do and have that decision ready there rather than wavering. I think part of why I'm hesitant to have kids is that I just want to do other things in life and part is because I don't want to risk the trauma of divorce for them if I'm not 100% sure I can avoid it.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[Blue_Skirt]

I am sorry to hear you are sad. You know, sometimes things simply things don’t workout.

 

I did have a LDR for 4.5 years before he broke up. From my work place to his home it would be a little over a 3 hours’ drive. Home to home would be 3 hours 45 minutes. We lived in different countries. It wasn’t the distance really that caused the break, but other things that would have been an issue as well if we would have been living together.

 

There is one thing that caught my attention:

But I think I need to be able to make my partner feel secure and confident enough that they can understand and help me when I work too hard and too long. I've learned that I need a very emotionally stable partner, but that I also have to take responsibility for creating an environment where she can be emotionally stable. I'm responsible not only for my emotions but for hers as well, I can't blame her.

 

I do not agree with that. I see a relationship as 2 equal partners being together and as such, both partners are responsible for creating the right environment. You are not fair on yourself when you put all the blame on you. Everyone is responsible for his/her own feelings. I think you should be supportive, caring and loving in a relationship and that means 2 people have to make it work.

 

I think you have done a lot of self-reflection and that is a great thing. Learn from the things that went wrong in the past. Don’t see it as a failure of the past but as an opportunity for the future, to make things better. Try to figure out what you want and don’t want in a new relationship.

 

Hang in there!

[todayisrough]

My last ex was LDR as well! And it really hurt when he broke it off with me.. He wanted to stay friends but now after I have healed he hasn't replied to any of my texts.. I feel like LDR breakups your hands are just tied! We definitely went through that emotional cycle as well! It just isn't the same.. That being said, if it hadn't been LDR, it would've worked out... I think it just puts such a strain on a relationship..

[lilypadgirl]

That's one of the things that I've learned is that you have to always be confident and make her feel very secure, otherwise if you show uncertainty, then the relationship becomes doomed.

 

I'm responsible not only for my emotions but for hers as well, I can't blame her.

 

It sounds like you have done a lot of personal growth and reflection. You should be proud of that.

 

However, I disagree with the above statements. You should be able to express your doubts and be honest about your feelings. However, it is the attitude with which you express that that makes the difference. Do you just say it and leave it hanging there or do you offer a sense that you're committed to working through the issues? For example, if she asks what you want and for you to make a decision on the relationship, do you say I'm just not sure we'll be able to work out and I don't know what I want versus do you say I'm scared and I have doubts but I am committed to working it out together and making plans with you, here is what I'm thinking... One creates insecurity and puts her unfairly in limbo and gives her the sense you're not committed, while the other creates a sense of connection and show a willingness to build intimacy.

 

Also you are not responsible for her emotions. Her emotions are her responsibility and her own issues. You are both equally responsible for the health of the relationship. You are both responsible for being empathetic and compassionate to each other and being a source of support. You are both responsible for being aware of how your own actions may impact the emotional health of your partner and the relationship. For example, you cannot say something insensitive or invalidating and not expect her to be hurt or get insecure. But she cannot create drama and get too emotional and not expect you to be overwhelmed or scared. Ultimately, you should take responsibility for the consequences of your actions, decisions, and choices. Not more, not less. The consequences of her actions, decisions, and choices are her responsibilities and are things she needs to work through and figure out. In most cases, one person alone doesn't make or break a relationship. She was equally responsible for the health of the relationship.

 

It is very sad that the relationship didn't work out. But it sounds like there was love there and that's never something to regret. In my opinion, the difference between the ones that make it and the ones that don't, are the ones where both people carry the faith and make the investment to stay committed to working things through.

 

It sounds like you're on the path to better self-awareness, which I believe ultimately leads to better relationships. You should have confidence in that. It's sad, though, that sometimes these realizations come too late to save things. But hopefully you will use this to find your peace and happiness. Good luck.

[chuckee]

Thanks everyone! This is all very helpful and has given me a lot to think about and learn from. Yes, there was certainly a lot of love there.

[chuckee]

Was just re-reading some of our chats from a critical time when we were talking about our values, future priorities, kids, where we would live, and putting those priorities into a budget to see if we could make it work. I was just struck by how much we were talking past one another. Each so concerned about being heard, that we never really responded to the emotions and fears that were behind each of our thoughts about where we would live, jobs, how many kids and what kind of house we could afford and life priorities. Coming from a background that struggled financially, I was concerned that I couldn't make enough to provide the life she and I wanted for each of our dreams, hers for children and college for them, the ability to stay home if she wanted, a couple pieces of nice jewelry, and a nice house and mine for philanthropy and taking care of my parents. She was concerned that I didn't love her enough, wasn't making enough sacrifices, and that she didn't want her life to be consumed by her husband, that she could maintain her own life, career, aspirations. All of these are very reasonable, but we each didn't hear, respond to and prioritize alleviating the other's concerns and emotions enough.

[lilypadgirl]

Communication is so important and in a long distance relationship consistent and careful communication is that much harder and more crucial. I think talking past each other is a common mistake that couples make. I read a book by John Gottman called "The Relationship Cure" which talks about how people make and respond to each others' bids and how that impacts the health of the relationship and the tone of the communication (verbal and physical). It talks about how sometimes we miss each others' emotional bids and talks about how we need to turn towards each other in response. It was very helpful and insightful to me and I have learned a lot from it. I highly recommend it.

[chuckee]

Thanks, I will look it up. I just got his most recent (2013) book.

[crushedfoxie]

My ex (that I currently want to get back together with) and I were long distance our entire relationship. It was about a 3 hour drive, so we only saw one another about one weekend a month. When we split up, he said that was the main reason that LDRs are just too hard and that he was just in a LDR right before me for another 1 1/2 years (woman lived in my city as well). You really do have to have great communication to make it work and he would find that he was so exhausted when he returned home from work and then the gym that he just didn't feel like talking on the phone. He just wanted to veg out on the couch most of the time. That was so hard for me to understand because from my perspective, I would be counting down the hours of his day until evening when I could hear his voice on the phone. Both people really have to make sacrifices and alot more effort at a LDR than a regular relationship. Best wishes on things turning around for you.

[chuckee]

One of my best friends is having his marriage fall apart now as a result of long distance during his spouse's Master's program. She decided to leave. Makes it so hard to see a friend going through this.

[onelifeonelove]

I was in a long distance relationship too, but she dumped me because I was mean and didn't give her enough attention.. Why? Because I felt detached due to the distance.. Does anyone here have any idea on how to get back an ex that's LDR? It's so difficult, I was with her for a year but I faded off and took her for granted somehow..

 

@OP did you recover from this? Did you get back with your ex? What happened? Because I'm so lost right now and I need people who can relate to me..