she confuses me

[slw1]

I met the the most amazing woman ever last year she is 33 and I am 34,so were not kids,but thats the confusing part about her.She is geourgeous, athletic,smart funny and has an amazing personality, but she hasnt had a boyfriend in years. All of her friends are guys, but just friends.

 

We dated for about 4 months, it was a great fun time with no problems, we were in love with each other. She broke up with me once then asked me back to only break up with me 3 weeks later. At the beginning of our relationship she said she didnt want a serious relationship, but it eventually became serious. I tend to think that she got scared and broke it off, she never really gave me one clear reason why she broke it off.Well, we still hang out as friends sometimes, and I am pretty sure that she still cares a lot about me. At times she will act like my girlfriend again and when i question her about it ,she tells me that she just feels comfortable around me and nothing else. It seems like she starts to get close , and then backs off again.

 

She is not dating anyone else, she gives the impression that she is perfectly fine by herself. Everytime I look at her i just want to hold hert in my arms.

 

After writing all this I dont even know what my point is.... But why would a woman be so afraid of relationships?

[Scout]

It may not be that she's afraid of relationships. Some people just lose interest once they know they have the other person's love. Think about why all her friends are male. This woman has an insatiable need for MALE attention, and one person will never be able to give her all the attention she needs.

 

It's called narcissim.

[Iceman26]

Oh man, I feel for you on this one. I remember what it was like to be into someone and then they up and tell you that they dont want anything serious. It sucks because the ones you really want dont want you back. But I am also extremely wary of girls with a lot of guy friends. Did you meet any of her guy friends? That is usually the key.

 

Well on her part, it could be a couple of things:

 

1) She got extremely hurt by someone in her past, it could have been a family member or someone she loved deeply and would rather face life alone then together with someone.

 

2) She doesnt like being emotionally vulnerable and rejects those that get too close to her. I have encountered this one more times than I can count.

 

You also don't know if she is dating anyone else, unless you are with her every hour of the day.

 

You can do a couple of things here. You can be her friend and give it a little more time and patience, you can outright ask her specifically why she is afraid of commitment, or you can move on.

[slw1]

I know for fact she is not dating anyone else. I pretty much know where she is all the time( i am not stalking her,I just know her routine). She doesnt really hang out with anyone. We still talk like we are a couple , she tells me everything about her life.

 

The comment about being emotionally vulnerble sounds a bit true though. She is 33 but very youthfull in mind and spirit,almost like a kid sometimes.She still relies on her mother an awful lot. I tend to believe this has something too with it.For now we are very good friends ,but it hurts....I am not sure if I should ask her about her commitment issues though,it might cause her to back off again ( it did once before) ....And move on?.......just can't be done....she is truly the one I have always wanted.

[diverp]

I went through something very similar. I dated someone who had mostly guy friends. She wanted to have a relationship up front, then after a few months, decided she didn't want that. She didn't date other people either though. Its not really something personal. It has all to do with her maturity level. Her lack of dating and her lack of intimate relationships is not a good thing. I am a big believer that in order to have a successful relationship between two people, both have to have gone through the rough parts of relationships (being dumped, dumping someone, becoming so in love with someone only to have it yanked out from under you...) Without that, people just don't get rid of their storybook ideals and appreciate something good when they find it (or better yet, have honestly sat down and thought about exactly what they do want in someone).

 

In my case, I have been dating someone who is the same age, 34, and has been married and divorced and has dated a range of guys and has narrowed her wants down to someone like myself. I have essentially done the same. Before I dated her, I went on some dates and cut those off after 2-3 weeks because my gut just didn't tell me it would be good for me or what I was looking for.

 

I suppose in the case of this girl you were seeing, I would seriously see if she just flat out doesn't know what she wants (a very common affliction). If she is still in the part of her life where she kind of wants a relationship for a few good reasons, but not for the whole package yet, well, nothing good can come from that for either of you. However, if you flat out ask her what it is that she wants in a relationship/life and don't just accept a tabloid answer, and she answers truthfully and honestly, well, maybe she is closer to knowing what she wants and worth the wait. Hard to say. All I know is that most women I have dated love the front end of a relationship, then get all confused when things start getting really good because they wonder "what if" way too much. They get spooked about just making a decision and taking the risk.

[Belle]

slw,

 

Wow, this girl sounds like me not too long ago. She's not a narcissist. She's a commitmentphobe. She's afraid of getting hurt. She has guy friends that satisfy the attention she craves from teh opposite sex without having to get "involved", i.e. hurt by any of them. She totally fits the profile. Sorry to say, unless she wants to change and thinks you're worth taking a risk, you are in a ship without a sail.

 

best of luck to you and try to spot the commitmentphobe next time. I'm changing but I think it's cos I got burned by one.

 

belle