I also just read "He's just not that into you"

[Luciana]

And hey, it answered many of my questions.

 

Surely, I still think if a woman, especially in the beginning, is able to control her need to be needy, her need to be with the man all the time, if she shows him how independent and how busy she is, if she doesn't tell him she loves him too quick, if she keeps pulling back and making herself more unavailable and mysterious, she WILL make him more interested.

 

But how long can you keep this game? One day, if you have feleings and you are a sensitive person, you will break down and show your vulnerability. You will cry for him, you will show jealousy.

And what makes the difference if he will be there for you and treat you well and want to be marry you? If he's into you! If he's not, you can look like Giselle Bundchen and he will still disrespect you and not make you feel loved!!

 

What the book helped me a lot is stopping to make excuses for my BF. The fact that his marriage didn't work and his ex-wife cheated on him, the fact that he likes his freedom and his money, that his father was kind of rude to his mother, etc. If he was into me he would overcome these wounds.

 

So what now? I already confronted him about this. He won't agree because he doens't want to lose me just now. But whenever you feel he's not into you much, you may be right!

[d346]

I have no specific advice, since I totally hear you! (and I picked up that book and read the marriage section TO MY BOYFRIEND in the bookstore.)

 

Anyway, apparently even Gisele can't get a man to marry her! I heard a rumor that she walked out, had enough of waiting for Leo!

[Luciana]

I also read that part to my BF. Doesn't care. He just doesn't care what people say, even a book.

 

With guys like that, the ONLY thing that works is DISAPPEAR.

 

I know JLo left Ben Affleck because he really didn't want to marry her. I am sure she forced the issue since she is marriage-to-soon-addicted.

And now he wantst o marry Jen Garner. What a slap on JLo's face...

Yes, Giselle should kick Leo's butt. After Titanic the guy just went downhill.

She can do better.

[Day_Walker]

To a certain extent you can be emootionally detached and unavailable to another person. However it is a dangerous game to play, the only type of people that should play the game are people that dont really care what happens. If you have feelings for a person then your actions towards them will let them know what you are neglecting to tell them.

[purple_monster]

I just read the book, right now. (I skipped a couple "boring" chapters)

 

I have to say, it is DEAD ON. I broke up with my boyfriend of 4ish years this fall. He wasn't very good at long distance (which is what it was for the last year), he never doted on me, he didnt' always call when he said he would, he was really afraid to talk about marriage, he didn't really want to think about having kids. He says, when I prompt him, that yes, marriage is the ultimate goal but he's not old enough to think about that yet, at 26. But he loved me and I loved him and he was all around a great guy. I was just always having to prompt him for displays of affection -- like flowers and great dinners and valentine's dates -- and deciding that maybe those girly things just weren't important. I didn't understand when people told me that I deserved to be treated better, because I thought he was treating me really well, as a person -- he just didn't dote on me. Oh right, also, we were having sex once a week at most. I always wanted it more, and chalked it up to differing sex drives. He always brought his work home and always had to do work, and asked me to understand because of this or that or this or that.

 

Fastforward to the fall, and I've finally had it up to here and he agrees to uproot himself (temporarily) to live with me for several months. Right before he moves out, I break up with him, in what I fear is the worst decision of my life. I mean, we love each other.

 

To distract myself, I start going out on dates.

 

Now, I'm dating someone who always calls when he says he will. He tells me how beautiful I am. He wants to buy me ice cream and wants to make me breakfast. He tells me how lucky he is to be dating me. He wants to have sex with me all the time. He tells me how sad he is that he has to work on the weekend because he wants to sleep in and go to brunch with me.

 

I'm bewildered. What is going on? Who is this guy? Where did he come from? Do they really make men like this?!

 

I guess, according to the book, they do. He's a textbook example. This is totally spooky.

[Cecelius]

I would say to the first poster that "confronting" your b/f about your feelings and why he may be doing poorly with his is probably one very, excellent, solid way to make sure that he just isn't that into you.

 

Of course all things in life require balance, and balance is a fact and circumstance analysis, so it's hard to tell if any person is being neglected in a relationship. I will submit that many people are more needy than they could be (there is nothing wrong with togetherness, but when one person starts treating it like its oxygen and the other person must supply it, life is doomed. If a b/f began to require sexual esscapades as proof of love, what would the reaction be? There is rational control on both sides or things are bad).

 

Another thing that most men have experienced (whether at 13 or 30) and have hopefully figured out is that a woman's asserted needs often are different from her actual needs. Some men (and hopefully this is when they are very young) learn that the doting, complimenting, support, affection, togetherness and other "need fulfilling" that are requested and that many assert are the secret recipe for happy relationships, if not mixed with liberal amounts of male independence, result in the woman dumping him because he's just not the man he used to be.

 

Some men learning this lesson go too far the other direction and can be neglectful. But calling everyday, being together every day, supporting people's insecurities (when often in his experience if he has them himself it is, again, a dealth knell) -- these are all wants, not rational needs of a human being.

 

Factor in the rational view by a man that at a certain point, his presense might just be desired because he is a potential husband/father, not as an individual (just as women typically work through some risk that they are merely a physical desire), and it is not shocking that a 26 year old man is not racing to the alter.

[UofMStudent]

Hey!

 

I am a student at the University of Memphis. I read your post about "He's Just Not That Into You," and was wondering if I could use some of your quotes for an article I am writing for a class. This article will NOT be published, it is just to turn in for a grade. Please reply if this is possible.

 

Thank you,

 

Melissa