Help, advice needed

[Steve_uk]

Let me explain, I started seeing my girlfriend 15 months ago, im 25, she is 19, her parents moved away from the area we live so she had to move in to her works accommodation, she is a trainee specialized chef, which involves a college course for 3 months a year as well as a work placement in a top hotel.

 

She had just split up with her ex when she met me and we hit it off straight away and started seeing each other, everything was great, she stayed at mine(still at home at the moment, but thats another story) whenever possible to get away from being at work all the time and everything was wonderful, but then the new year came this year and she had to go away to college for 3 months, it wasnt too bad, we saw each other every weekend, and we new it was only for 3 months. Just as the end of her college time was up the news came that she was to be moved to a new hotel which was 30 miles away from me, again it wasnt too bad, but we would only beable to see each other at the weekends, like we had been doing, she was upset and so was I but we were determined to get through it, but as time went on things became more strained with us. I used to get jealous of her going out alot with people, mainly guys, from work, as cheffing is a very male dominated area. I trusted her but just wished it was me going out with her more. She said i had nothing to worry about, i trusted her and i was right to do so, she hasnt cheated (as far as i know!).

 

Things started to get really strained and we talked about having a break to ease things so we did, as we were arguing alot, constantly sniping at one another, and we just werent talking or seeing each other as much.... the break was only for a week and it was very difficult, it was my choice to do so as i thought it may help, no contact whatsoever.

 

Things werent so bad, and then we went on holiday (vacation) to the Caribbean for 2 weeks, we couldnt wait, but the night before we went we had a huge row over something so silly, and it kinda ruined the mood. While away things started ok, we got back on track but again we had another huge row, she ended up calling home in tears and if there was a flight that day she would have left, I felt the same way to be honest although I loved her to bits. We lasted out the holiday although we said we would have a break when we got back.

 

The morning we arrived back she took all her stuff from mine and went and stayed with relatives for a couple of nights, but that evening she started texting me and she said how sorry she wasit had come to this, and it wasnt what she wanted, how tough she was finding it (the thought if being apart) she said it was torture. So anyways we ended up seeing each other about a week later, I went to her's, and we didnt really talk about it as we said we would, we just carried things on as deep down i dont think either of us wanted to split.

 

Since then we have had a couple of small rows but nothing major, and I thought things were going great, we have been going out lots, to the zoo and parks and fairs etc, having alot of fun and alot of laughs. I dropped her back at her's the weekend before last and we said we would see each other the next weekend (the one just gone) and said our goodbyes.

 

Then i spoke to her on the wednesday and she was in the pub, which was cool, wth 2 guys, again i was cool with it, it was late so i went to bed at mine and told her id speak to her tomoz. Well i didnt hear from her all day, i didnt get in touch with her either, and then on the friday the bombshell came....."Ive been thinking loads, im not happy at the moment" I was shocked, she say's she wants a change, a break, to be single for a bit, to live a little....But i dont understand it, i let her live, i dont stop her from doing anything.....I met her on the saturday to talk and i broke down in tears, i couldnt control it, i was distraught, i really love the girl, again she said the same thing (she wants a break) she was talking months, not just weeks.

 

Anyways that night she was going to Paris for the weekend with a girl friend, it was something we had discussed doing and so i said I wish we could go one day, and she replied "maybe we can one day" ......it just confused me as to what she wants.

 

She came back this morning, and after reading this thread I sent her a message about having no contact (as she still wanted to go to a concert with me for example) and i dont think she was to impressed... she replied "fair enough, if thats what you want to do" but it isnt, i said its up to us both and i need to know what it is she really wants.... a split or just a break.... she says she doesnt know and that she too is confused, she also said maybe im right about no contact and it may give me a chance to think and realise that there is better out there! what?! i dont want better, i want her, she isnt going to push me away. She has always said she doesnt know why im with her as i could do better, and she has always been down on herself, she was on anti depressants when i met her but has come off them over the last half year. She often puts herself down.

 

I have hardly eaten since last friday, ive lost nearly a stone in weight, havent slept much and im in a total state.....I dearly love and care for this girl and want to be with her, all my goals were looking towards us, not her, not me but us and i so want to be with her but im so confused.

 

Help

[DBL]

Sounds like you're relationship is just about done. The pub, the two guys....that would of sealed the deal on the relationship to me.

 

I get the same way as you...I stop eating. When my wife left I basically stopped eating for 2 weeks. I needed a belt just to hold my belt up,that was holding my pants up...know what I mean?

 

Sorry you have to go through this, but you may want to just blow her off for a while and go back out and do things with your friends and stuff.

 

Good Luck

DBL

[Steve_uk]

The 2 guys in the pub with her with 2 friends from work........not just guys she had randomly met.....

[DBL]

Don't you know that a good amount of affairs occur in the work place? Just because they are from work do not mean they are off limits. I don't mean to throw a wrench into you, but it is reality...work place romaces.

 

DBL

[Iceman26]

I think you need to read between the lines here. If she is saying she needs to "live a little" and you are letting her live and are cool with her doing whatever she wants, what she is really telling you is she either already is or wants to date someone new.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if this "girlfriend" going with her to Paris isn't another guy.

 

Honestly man, you are 25, and she is 19. She is still a confused little girl trying to find out who she is, and you seem to be a mature guy in his mid-twenties. Move on and date someone near your maturity level that doesnt play games.

 

And for gods sake eat something, its girl, not the end of the world. Find an activity to occupy your time and your thoughts, like physical exercise, a book, hanging out with friends, etc. Focus on yourself, and hang in there man.

[Foz]

hi there,

ignore iceman and DBL.

My boyfriend broke up with me at the beginning of September, it was out of the blue and i was in a right state for the best part of 2 months. The first few days i begged,pleaded, promised to change if that is what he wanted and none of it made any difference. It made me feel even worse, i couldnt understand how someone could seemingly change overnight, truth is in his head it probably wasnt overnight but had building up for sometime, i just didnt see it and a few squabbles on holiday finally sealed it for him.

I too couldnt sleep, eat, work nothing, all i could do was cry and go over and over conversations we had trying to figure out what happened and what could i have done to prevent it and what could i do to get him back. In short i was driving myself mad but in retospect i dont hink i could have acted differently because i was distraught. I do agree with what caveat says about exercise and socialising but i do think there is a time frame for that too. Im at the stage where i can do that but its nearly 12 weeks on for me.

At the start i couldnt, take this time to grieve, it is important, write down your feelings, but i would say dont contact her, let her come to you, she will eventually. Dont contact her because at this stage nothing you say is going to change her mind, she does need time to think and if you ring every day with a list of questions, you are only going to annoy her. And you will feel like you are pushing her further away and then you will feel worse. i thought if i didnt ring him it was giving him carte blanche to move on, it doesnt work like that of course they still think about us but they need their space too and give it to them.

 

I then decided to do NC purely because i thought he would miss me and come back, after a month he rang and said he missed me, we met up but still he hadnt changed his mind, back to NC for another month, he rang again, still no change. Now im doing NC because it hurts me too much to hear his voice and i cant be his friend if that is what he wants.

 

Im better now than i was 12 weeks ago but it still hurts and i f you dont believe how bad i was check out my v long and rambling post "please help me i am completely broken hearted".

 

Anyways pm me anytime you need.

 

Foz

[sdw]

Hey man,

 

I know what you're going thru and I hate to say it, but she will be thinking of getting together with one of these guys. The same happened to me although she wouldn't admit it at the time. What I have learned is that when a girl wants to break up with u because they have other male interests, they will concentrate on what was wrong with your relationship and not mention the VERY important fact that they actually are interested in people at their work.

 

It's tough to deal with, but I think that is the truth reading between the lines here. For what it's worth I know your pain and such promiscuity hurts but the dishonsty hurts more. My advice is either to cut all contact with her, or badger her until she confesses the truth about why she wants to be "single". Either way - you need to see the light here and realise that what you have lost was obviously to her, not worth holding onto.

 

Sorry mate,

 

Steve.

[Steve_uk]

No, you dont seem to understand, she is a chef, she works with all guys, I trust her that she doesnt like either of these guys romantically, I really do, I know i have nothing to worry about with them.

[Iceman26]

First of all to Foz - We are all here to give advice and to help each other, and its not really cool if you tell people to ignore other people's perspectives and opinions. If you dont think I haven't been through heartbreak recently, check out "Need advice about girlfriend going out with guy friend" in the infidelity forum.

 

Now, to our friend Steve,

 

All people can really do here is offer you their advice, ultimately, the decision on what you do and how you do it is up to you. Remember life is short. Take some time to yourself to grieve, and if she calls, then great, if not, well, you seem like a good guy who deserves good things. Good luck

[Foz]

sorry iceman didnt mean to offend you..i was just trying to give steve a different perspective.

When you first break up with someone the last thing you need to hear is people saying she is/wants to be with someone else. What you do need is support. I personally think telling steve his gf is with or wants to be with someone else is not helping him at the moment and i wanted to support him rather than upset him more..

That is all