a married woman who loves another man

[Galaxygirl]

I need advice. I am a 50 year old married woman, no kids. My husband is a loving and kind man. For a year and a half I have been involved in a platonic "friendship" with a man who just got married. I really love this man, but here is the catch, I do not know why! He is 54, no money, pot belly, and has an anger problem! He is opinionated as well. I am told by most people that I am very attractive and look 10 years younger.

 

The relationship is very one sided. It is me who suggests getting together every 3 weeks or so, and e mails long letters, and I call him about once a week. he does very little-says he is busy- but really likes the attention, e mails ,getting together, etc! I am very sweet and flattering to him. He can be mean in his e mails to me if I try to assert my opinions, ask for more of his time, etc. But he can be very sweet. He has told me he had three affairs in his past marriage, and would not do that anymore.He is Mr. Conservative.

 

I told him I loved him as a friend. he told me he does not equate love with friendship, so said probably does not love me. But he also said if he had time to think about it, he might give me another answer!

 

What is going on here? I am reduced to an idiot around this man. he obviously has the control. I want to detach a little, because this is on my mind every day. but I just can't! I feel awful thinking about not having this in man my life. Go figure.

I am a gentle soul, and this is taking its toll on me. I am in counseling, but it has not been that helpful. I received very little love or affection as a child.

Help!

Any help or advice or insight?

[Evelyn99]

You didn't talk much about your husband and how this affects your relationship with him. Do you love him?

You know this relationship is bad news. May I just ask if it's the excitement you crave? The uncertainty? It's a sure thing with your husband and maybe that's a little boring? I don't know. Just a guess here.

[Cadence308]

Since you are married and this guy that you are interested is too, it doesn't sound like the best idea to get involved. However, I'm attracted to someone who has been in an 8 yr marriage, but I'm single, and can't say that I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to have an affair. This person drives me crazy and I don't know why. So, who am I to pass judgment?!

 

I guess what you need to decide is if it is worth it to have an affair with this married man and why? It sounds like he has no problems being unfaithful and I'm sure would do it again, if the opportunity arose. Evelyn said it best...are you craving the attention or are you bored and wanting excitement in your life?

 

Also, just because this man is not attractive sounding, there must be something driving you to him. Attraction is a strange thing!

 

You've had counseling and that didn't do much. Sleep with this guy, if you get the chance and tell us what happens.

[nexus532]

Well your getting into some serious stuff. In your mind i think you know that you will never be happy with this friend of yours over a long period of time, if anything were to happen. If you love your husband you will distance yourself from this friend, think of everything bad her may have do to you, things he has said, done ect.. And i too was attracted to an European girl at my college, we talk all the time and had lots of fun, but when she told me she was married i distanced myself from her, it was a hard thing to do but i had to do it.

[Hailey]

Emailing him may make you feel like you have two lives. This can be a good thing, like a little escape, if you don't hurt anyone.... i mean keeping it "virtual".

 

You said that you think about him. What so you mean, what do you think, after all it's one sided feeling that you like him.

 

But don't you think you deserve something better?

[OnceAgain]

I know how you feel. I'm separated from my husband that had an affair a year ago. Now I met this guy with whom I am having a relationship with. I think I've fallen in love with him and he's driving me crazy. He's not someone I would have thought I would have fallen for but I have but I haven't told him. Better that I haven't because we finally crossed into the physical aspect of a relationship and I have yet to actually talk to him like we used to before that night. I feel like an utter fool.

[kloepschen]

Hi,

 

I cant believe those things still happen when you are in your fifties! I cant wait to get out of my 20ies and I hope I will settle down and never have to worry again ... crazy world.

Anyways, I believe you are so attracted to your "friend" because he is a challenge for you. Your marriage has become boring over the years. This other guy represents an adventure and he makes you think about things you are not usually thinking about. He is mysteric and unreachable - it is like a goal for you to get him and the longer he lets you hang the more obsessed you will become with him.

This is what I would do in your situation: Be strong and wait for HIM to contact you next time. Make sure you keep the whole thing as a FRIENDSHIP!! You dont want to loose your husband - he doesnt deserve that. Try to talk to your husband about your attraction. You have not cheated yet, you can be honest with your husband and try to find out what is missing. Honesty will help the most in this situation. If your husband is understanding you both can work on a solution to pep-up your marriage and maybe do more things together, challenge each other and maybe start a sport together. You seem to be the competitive kind, like me, and I found doing sports togerther hepls a big deal.

Please dont get together with your "friend" and be strong! Let him get back to you and cool the relationship down. Maybe even tell him what you feel and break up the contact for a while.

That's what I would do - Good luck to you! Keep us posted!