Feeling manipulated, hurt, depressed and lost...

[aseeker]

I need to apologize in advance for the long post. I had so much to say. I understand if you won't read it throughout, but I would appreciate any advice... I feel like I can't do this anymore Please, anything will certainly help with my confusion and pain. I realize I included many details but it was just so anyone could understand the situation a little better.

 

 

 

My boyfriend broke up with me almost two weeks ago, by text message. We were in a long distance relationship but it still hurt so much that he didn't have the decency to do it face to face. It wasn't the first time; one day when we were talking by the phone, we had a fight and he ended the relationship. The next day I called him and he admitted to have made a mistake, that he was having problems and his head was a mess, and to forget about it all, we were fine.

 

But this time it wasn't like that. I tried to reason with him (by text, we weren't broken up yet but he was being really mean and hurtful) as he was blaming me for a lot of things, like using him, treating him like an idiot, things like that. I had never felt that way, although I do admit that in the beginning I was very immature and didn't have the best behavior. I used to be hesitant in giving my all to the relationship due to bad past experiences, pulling away, being insecure. I was and still am dealing with depression and that also didn't help. He is too. Because we lived away from each other, we could only get together once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. He almost never had any money so I would visit him instead, though not at his house because his mom treated us like crap and never allowed us to be alone without trying to interrupt. We tried meeting in his hometown but she would always call him for something or another and get him home. I was sometimes left alone outside, had to take the bus home and forget about our day together. It was very humiliating and he was very sorry but could do nothing about it... He couldn't stand up to her because she was all he had (his father left before he was born) and he was scared she would kick him out. Or so he said. But she was very capable of that. She always liked to be in control of his life and to make him miserable, so of course he would not be his best and sometimes take it all out on me or his friends.

 

Yet he blames me for not having done all I could to meet him. Since he didn't have any money to take the bus, I did it. I would blow off night outs with my friends to spend Friday with him and get home too exhausted to do anything else. Weekends were dedicated to studying, then going back to college and repeat the whole process. I had barely any social life outside of him and our mutual close friends. While I was at school, we would text all day, from the moment we woke up, except in classes. Lately, I have been having so much work I would sometimes forget to text him back for hours, or at least hit the send button as I would get distracted with something. I know he would be sad and angry about it, but I tried to explain it to him, that I was busy but I still loved getting his texts (because he said he shouldn't text then), I would just take longer. The day we broke up he was angry because I texted him, asking him if he was there, then he texted back asking if I was busy. And I said I thought HE was busy so I hadn't, and he got angry and said if he had texted then of course he wasn't, and that I was treating him like a little dog, always there for me when I felt like it. Looking back, it might have seemed like so to him but that was never my intention. I was actually trying to not be inconvenient to him. He said I had wasted all he had done for me, and that I hadn't appreciated him basically. I realize I might have done so to protect myself and to not let him think he had me in his hand; I acted coldly sometimes but I never refused his care or attention. I tried to be so good to him, always trying to cheer him up, always trying to make our few moments together pleasant. And that earned me the title "fake" in his own words: that all I said sounded fake. That I didn't feel what I said.

 

I have a knack for saying jokes that he takes very seriously. I realize that sometimes they are hurtful and disrespectful, but I try my best to not say them. It's just that sometimes I notice too late because he also doesn't tell me right away. He gets angry and bottles up, getting resentful. It's like walking on thin ice around him, like I can't be my joking self because he will take it personally. My friends are sometimes bothered too but they understand that I'm not trying to be mean, after I explain it to them, and all is well. I thought he would stop caring about those little things too, eventually. Didn't happen.

 

 

 

After the break up text, I didn't eat, sleep or had any will to do anything for days. He told me not to contact him in any way during that week, but agreed to meet Friday when I asked him. On Thursday, he sent me a text telling me to meet him not where he lived, but where we used to hang out at the beginning of our relationship. He said to text him when I got there. When I said I'd arrive at x hours, he told me "funny, you were never available to meet at that hour before but now you're free". I tried to explain the situation (morning classes, not being able to have lunch because of the bus schedule) and all he said was "good for you". I started to wonder the same: that he had rarely been able to meet me outside his hometown, never having money, and yet that day he had asked to meet there, and I later realized he was meeting his friends. I tried really hard not to stoop to his level and be calm every time, although I was shaking and crying really bad.

 

Then when we met he was completely different; guarded but not angry. He was actually going to leave, I think, but I asked him not to, for us to talk. He asked "what for?" and I was stupefied: I told him I had to explain and understand some things. I couldn't believe he would just leave me there like that. I know he probably wanted to run away from all of it but it just wasn't fair. We couldn't end it all like it was nothing. He finally agreed and while I was talking, sobbing, asking him to explain what was happening, he said "**** it" and kissed me. I was so shocked, I was thinking "are we getting back together?" then after a while I stopped and looked at him. He said I always made him go back and have second thoughts, that he had had them that week. That he had been aggressive and distant to not give me any hopes of getting back together. I was too stunned to think it through. It didn't sound like he was faking at the time, but it's hard to tell through text and I just wanted to believe he wasn't actually angry at me because I couldn't think of anything to have made him that way.

 

We talked and he said we wouldn't work because of distance, meeting only once a week, me not having time for him, we both liking our space, lack of communication, him not having a job, not having our licenses, basically everything was against us. I told him we could work it out since we both loved each other, and he said that was a romantic notion. I cried a lot and he had his arm over me. He said if I cried some nights missing him and he had to live with the pain of not being there for me, to comfort me, that was not something we could keep doing. It hurt too much. I said I didn't mind, it was worth it to be happy when we did get together. I asked him if he didn't feel anything for me at all, and he said he did but wasn't the same. I said it was normal, we'd been going out for a year and a half, feelings toned down a bit, but he said it wasn't. I would find someone much better, he told me, and that this was no life for us. I told him this was just a phase in our relationship, we would get better. I would graduate, get a job, he would do it too. He didn't think so.

 

While we were there he got a call from a friend and told them he would have to meet them later than expected, since I was there crying my eyes out I suppose. But apparently his friend couldn't wait and my ex had to leave, saying it was best that way, it would be a lot harder if he stayed any longer. I was shocked: so he would leave me there, like that, because his friends couldn't wait? Even if those friends were there for the weekend from another state, I was the girl whose heart he was breaking. I was awful. I asked him if he regretted having gone back to me after our first break-up, and he said he had. He kissed my forehead and left, saying if I ever needed anything to tell him, but for now we shouldn't contact the other for about a month.

 

 

 

Two days ago was my birthday and he sent me a pm on facebook (not sure why he didn't send a text but it was common for him not to have money on his phone and texting me and his friends from his mom's) saying happy birthday ^^ and that he hoped I would get happy. I was so sad that he was acting so offhandedly that I had to act fake and say "thanks i wish the same for you". I don't even know why it hurt so much.... I was so well on my bday. I went out with my friends and had a blast, seldom thought of this. It seemed like I was over him almost. But after his message, I feel worthless, easily discarded, like I don't mean anything to him anymore. That he has moved on. And then I feel like it was my fault, that I made him lose interest and that I really don't deserve him or anyone after all. Maybe I'm just good at being alone in love. The first time he broke up with me I begged, cried, told him I would change if needed, he wanted me to give him reasons to be with him and I would. The weird thing is that, the past few months, HE was the one telling me "I need to give you reasons to be with me" and asking me to never leave him. Tons of time. He would ask me over and over and I would think "how can he think I would do that?" because, even if I wanted to break up, I would at least wait until he was emotionally stable, better. And yet he broke up at me when I was at my lowest...

 

I was never a controlling or possessive girlfriend, always told him to go out with his friends and have fun, never texted him or called to know where he was and with whom, whereas he was the opposite. I thought he was just being caring, and maybe he thought if I didn't do that it was because I wasn't. I just wanted him to not get tired of me and it seems I just made him feel unwanted or secondary in my life. He has no idea how much I sacrificed, time, friends, to be with him and talk to him. He had a problem and I would do my best to help, cheer him up; sometimes I was so down myself I couldn't. But we helped each other out. He would hold me at night and calm me down whenever I had panic attacks, he would cook for me because he knew I was bad at it, I would bake for him, whenever we saw something the other liked, we would send the link to the other. We shared a tumblr where we would often post nice things to keep the other smiling. Lately we even admitted we didn't go there that often anymore. If he felt down and cried, I hugged him and let him talk it out. If we had issues at home, we would talk it out at least through text. I would look at jobs for him, send him suggestions, give him advice, sometimes I felt like I was pressuring him but I couldn't stand seeing him with no motivation, only being happy around me or when he was playing his videogames. It felt to me like he wasn't trying enough and I might have send him that message. I was getting as frustrated as he was. Never having any money, always being a slave to his mom who did nothing all day and worked occasionally, never giving him any affection, making him hate his life and take it out on other people, filling his head with whatever she told him about me....

 

I'm not gonna lie: I thought about breaking up with him many times. Our future looked bleak. We were young, we didn't have to think that far yet. But it was just that: a thought. I had never wanted to go through with it. I loved him and no matter how hard things got, I would always think: this will get better. If he treated me badly, I would brush it off because he was having a hard time. But if I did the same to him, it seemed like everything was falling apart. That I was committing some sort of crime.

 

Looking back on all of this, I feel manipulated. I feel like he had tried to make me feel guilty so he could feel better about himself. Being nice to me so I think he's a good guy. I mean, he was the one breaking up - two weeks before my birthday, by text message, after I had just broken my foot, overwhelmed with work from college, depressed because I'm graduating soon and I'm already feeling the nostalgia. If he had wanted to get back together then, I would have. Right now, I have mixed feelings. Some days I feel I am better without him, the pressure, the stress, having all the time for myself, being with my friends more and having fun with them; thinking he was right, we were toxic for each other and wouldn't work. But other days I just can't imagine life without him, or at least being happy without him. We were so close despite the distance, best friends, always in contact. I know it's stupid to feel that way at my age, but I just don't know what to do sometimes. I recall all the good moments we shared, how sweet we were, the things we shared, how much we had in common..... It just seems so stupid to end something that could be fixed but that takes time and energy he doesn't seem willing to spend.

 

Maybe we really weren't meant to be, but I feel so torn. I've been dealing with so much anxiety and panic attacks, all of which had been pretty much controlled these past two years, partially due to having him with me. The fact that he made me go back to all of that pain and suffering makes me wish I had never met him in the first place

 

 

Thank you for hearing me out

 

Seeker (Sarah)

[Mb1212]

I also wish I had never met my ex and it's a hard feeling to digest. It does seem like he manipulated you a lot and maybe even played games with your head. But you two do seem to be at very different stages in your life which makes a relationship hard. Seeing each other once a week is actually a pretty good amount if you're a full time student. I used to always make the effort for my ex and he never would for me. Why couldnt he save up some bus money to come see you? You're the one in school and it sounds like he's unemployed and not in school? Either way the effort should be equal between the two of you. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm guessing early 20s? I'm in the age group as well and am struggling with my break up but relationships at our age shouldn't make life harder for ourselves which is what it sounds like this is doing to you. I would go strict NC for now and maybe over time the two of you can talk and see where you're at. I just think there is something wrong with him leaving you because his friend couldn't wait (I mean come on....) you're going through a break up after a pretty lengthy relationship and he can't even handle finishing the talk? Also it's not healthy he would get all mad if you didn't respond to text messages right away or the way he wants you to and my ex was the same way. He just sounds immature! Just give it time and it will get better but it will be hard just know you deserve better!

[aseeker]

Thank you so much Mb1212

 

My mom told me he was just asking too much of me, knowing I couldn't at this point. Other friends tell me to give it time. Others who knew him say he's going through something in his life and doesn't want me there to go down with him. The truth is I just need to understand things. I wanted to talk, couldn't say what I needed to because I was too upset and crying and he didn't really give me that chance. It was basically him who talked and I accepted things. I feel like an idiot but at the time, I was hoping if I gave him space, he would come around.

 

He told me he always did as I wished, always went with my every whim not to upset me, like I am some immature little brat. I admit I am a bit spoiled, but nothing of the sort. Said he changed his whole self for me, to make me happy and please me. I never asked him to, and I don't appreciate him throwing that to my face as if it was my fault. I know he changed because his friends would say "wow, he's really changed. he's so much better, so grown-up etc" and said it was because of me. But it felt like a positive thing. He makes it seem like it's awful. Well, it seemed like he reverted to his old ways just fine.

 

He's unemployed (looking for jobs) and not studying (has no money). We're both 20. I know he was dragging me down but also making an effort to make it up to me. Just not an equal effort. He saved up to come to my house and spend a few days there. I would stay at his occasionally too (a lot more often than him in mine). He saved up for gifts for Christmas and for my birthday because he knew I liked to have little things from him. He talked an awful lot about saving up for videogames and I feel he had some unrealistic expectations about the future; he wanted all big or nothing. At times, I couldn't bring myself to support these ideas. They all seemed so unreal, yet they were so nice to hear and I felt really good about those prospects, I just went along.

He also always managed to have money for cigarettes. And I told him that several times; he even has asthma and I always worried about that worsening his condition, telling him he should quit. He always came up with excuses and said he was trying, and indeed he was cutting back a bit.

 

I don't even know why I want him back after all he's done to me. I feel humiliated, manipulated, a complete idiot. I know I'm not a saint and I've put him through some hard times. But I would have never done this. He brought my self-esteem really high when we started dating and now it crashed, because of him. I do care about him a lot still, I don't wish him any harm. But I don't want him to hurt me either. And I know he's doing it. I regret having responded to his jolly message on my birthday like everything was ok. I should have been short and curt. But at the time I felt like we should be friendly. God knows why... He's fine without me and I'm a wreck. I'm wasting the best time of my life over this, always wanting to cry, not being able to eat (dropped several pounds in just a week), not interested in doing anything pleasurable, always asking myself what I could have done better, what I shouldn't have done, beating myself up, taking it out on people who are trying to help me... I feel seriously down. I go from angry to sad to fine and all over again. And when I finally feel like I'm accepting it all, something changes.

[KarenC]

The 2 of you don't have anything in common and the road that you're taking is totally different from the 1 that he's on so it won't work. You're in school trying to better yourself and he's a Momma's Boy that will always be at home if he doesn't grow up, get out, and make a life for himself. You shouldn't be catching the bus over to his home and then made to stand outside. It is very dangerous and his Mother is a witch for not have compassion for you as a female because she know what can happen. Leave that sorry dude alone and find someone that you can enjoy and have fun with. He's a coward for breaking up with you via text...Just saying!!!

[DN]

I don't think it helps to demonise him - there were very negative behaviours on both sides. But the bottom line is that anyone has a right to end a relationship if they feel it isn't working for them and you need to accept that so you can move on.

[catfeeder]

It doesn't sound as though this relationship benefited you in any way. It sounds like an on-the-ball girl with a potentially bright future doesn't believe she's worthy of a BF who offers her more than guilt provoking texts from a guy without his own goals to focus on.

 

This thing could never get off the ground financially or socially because the guy will sabotage you whenever you reach for anything more challenging than tending to his messages. He's jealous of your classes, friends and potential--so where can this go, really?

 

I don't believe your problem is this breakup, it's the lack of self esteem that would have you settle for this relationship.

 

Head high, push forward and please come here if we can help. You deserve MUCH better than this. Please hold out for it, and you will thank yourself later.

[aseeker]

We haven't texted, called or seen each other. We're still friends on facebook though, because I felt it wasn't necessary to unfriend him. I did exclude him from my feeds but that was just so I wouldn't see his updates. But he keeps liking things I post (even if I haven't posted much lately) and I don't understand why. I wish I could just block him once and for all but can't find a justification for that. What would I say? "I can't be friends with you because you hurt me too much"? I would sound like an idiot after replying to that message he sent and wishing him the best as well. Although at some point I guess I won't care. But right now, I can't seem to find the strength. Then I think I should, because I'm just giving him the upperhand and making him feel alright about this whole ordeal. I don't want that. He made me feel so guilty, still does. I'm just making it easy for him to move on whereas I stay where I am. And I'm sure he will do it someday. Or else he feels the need to keep tabs on me, which is really sick.

 

I keep remembering how sweet and kind he was. How we connected so easily. True, he hurt me a lot. He made me cry countless times. But I would make up excuses like, he's not having a good day, his life is hard, I can be a real ****** when I want to (all could be true, and yet did it justify it?). Then I started to realize he made up to me after being mean, and I thought "well, that's just what he should do after all". Except he wasn't sorry at all, I guess. He would apologize but how can I tell it was sincere after all I've experienced now? If I made the slightest mistake I made I would rush to him and practically beg for forgiveness as though I had murdered someone. Sometimes I would be so tired of his games, so exhausted, that I would be cold and not give it that much importance. But can you blame me? The tiniest thing, ticked him off. But he was so subtle, so convincing, I just let it go. I forgave every little thing, even if I didn't always show it. I couldn't tease him because he would get angry. I couldn't joke around because he would take things seriously. I was walking on egg shells all the time.

 

KarenC, I don't think he's a Momma's Boy because he hates his mom. Sure, she does have her hand in this but he was the one who broke up with me. I guess he's just using her like he's used me, to have a place to live and food on the table.

 

And then something hit me as well. We never had sex, because we couldn't. We tried many times but after I consulted my gyno, I realized I had a problem. So we weren't even sexually compatible. I loved him and wanted to have my first time with him. He always said it didn't matter, we would get there, it was a matter of time. But he started to get frustrated, I could tell, and I started to feel guilty for that too. I tried to appease him but it wasn't the same. I didn't feel like woman enough. Being intimate became more like a chore, and I would feel uncomfortable. He would become almost beastly when we got into it and worries started to rush in, because I stopped taking the pill and I had to remind him to have a condom ready. So I felt almost no pleasure. I kept thinking he's giving me what I can't give him. It's not a give and take. I'm just taking. And yet he's ok with it, he's such a great guy.

I cried every time we tried and didn't succeed. He would hold me and tell me it was ok. We would keep trying. I was trying to fix my problem but I guess he couldn't wait. That was probably one of the reasons why he walked away. I can only feel better thinking at least I didn't give him that part of me as well. He would have taken it and thrown it into the trash like it wasn't nothing.

 

Catfeeder, I think you are right. This guy messed with me too much, and I'm not even sure I did love him lately. But I do miss having a companion and being in a relationship. And I especially miss feeling happy and not guilty His words keep echoing in my head: that I wasted a great relationship because I was such an idiot. And that's not true at all. I never thought he was jealous, it almost seemed like he was trying to better himself, to keep up with me so we'd be happy together. I did feel that he had some complexes at times, but nothing major. Now I see it might have been part of the problem.....

[catfeeder]

I can only feel better thinking at least I didn't give him that part of me as well. He would have taken it and thrown it into the trash like it wasn't nothing.

 

Your body is very wise. You weren't dysfunctional--you were self-protective. You KNEW more than you were ready to know.

 

Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. If you can make that a new habit, you'll use better judgment when choosing a BF.

 

Kindness to yourself will teach you how to relax and trust your Self.

 

((Big hug)))

Cat

[datcloud1]

It sounds like you deserved better is what it sounds like. Never settle for less - maybe you shouldn't contact him any longer, since any further contact from him is likely to affect you negatively...

[aseeker]

I feel very guilty.... During the first few months of being together, I was cold and distant.... I guess I was too scared to get hurt again. I couldn't really trust him. He was sweet and nice all the time and I couldn't reciprocate. I was just sour and never really appreciated what he did for me or how he acted. True, they were mostly just words and who knows if he was being honest? But it felt like so, and I never gave him the time of day. I did change after we became closer, but I would still act like that occasionally and totally unconsciously. He would tell me a lot that I was cold and curt, when he was being nice, and that I was mean. I would try to be better and sweeter. It worked for a while but somehow I would get back to my old ways when something worse happened in my life. It took one wrong thing I said and he would be mad at me. I guess he was right, I had pushed him too far, was too naggy, and he was tired of it. And again I keep thinking the break-up was my fault Even if I was not that immature girl anymore, maybe that was enough to push him away... Being "rejected" before caused him to not wanting to try anymore. And I feel like I wasted a great guy.

 

I can't really remember the bad things he did at the moment. I can only see mine. It's so frustrating because the only thing I have present is our break-up and yet I feel it was justified right now.... That I deserved every single thing