Finch Posted November 15, 2004 Share Posted November 15, 2004 I am so distraught it's disgusting. I just can't stop falling for the same old tricks and traps. I can't stop myself from giving her more and more chances to prove that she can love me. It just doesn't stop, it's a vicious cylce that never ends. I broke up with my ex months ago! Way back in the beginning of April. In the beginning things were good because I had the luxury of being distracted by other girls and I rarely spent much time thinking about the breakup. However, I guess this was also my downfall considering that I never healed from the breakup. The first several months after the breakup she clung to the hope that we would eventually get back together. That never happened because I didn't want to be with her anymore. I had been with her for a little over a year and she couldn't pull her part in the relationship which ultimately led it to crash. During the beginning of the summer we both moved our separate ways. She found another guy, who she is still with, and I continued to hook up with girls. Towards the end of the summer her and I began talking again. We became very close and she once again rekindled the hope that we would get back together. At the time I wasn't too enthusiastic about the idea just because I had my doubts about the relationship working. I wasn't sure that she had actually learned from her mistakes. So we never got back together, however.. I seriously thought more about her as a girlfriend than before. Now months later I am stuck here with a passionate desire for her. She still loves me and we still hang out all the time. We have a relationship per-say.. it's more of an open relationship than anything. That is due to the fact that we both are hooking up with other people. She'll hook up with her boyfriend and I hook up with random girls.. however her and I still have an intimate relationship. We still have sex. Now the other week I learned that she had sex with her boyfriend right after her and I had sex. I was totally devastated. It crushed me to know that the woman I had lost my virginity to and she had lost it to me.. well it was awful to learn that she shared that experience with another man. Oddly enough I desired her even more which leads me to my ultimate problem. Today I was speaking to her and we were talking about our relationship. I brought up the point that I missed being together with her, however did not state that I wanted to get back together with her. She said that she missed me too, however shot down the idea pretty quickly before realizing that I hadn't told her that I wanted to get back together with her. She stated that she didn't think that a relationship between the two of us could work. This was very troubling considering that she had been the one that wanted to get back together for so long and now finally I have reached that level but apparently it's too late? What a cruel and unbearable switch of roles. I don't know what to do. My only option seems to move on, which I should have done ages ago.. but I still want to keep whatever relationship I have with her going. I don't know what to do. This whole situation is an emotional mess. I can't leave her because she doesn't want me to leave her.. if she wanted me to leave her I would eventually move on. It's difficult because she wants me to be in her life as she says.. but under what role? I don't find it suiting any longer to be her boy-toy and security blanket. She tells me all the time that she loves me so much, doesn't love her boyfriend, and all of this. Yet she still doesn't think that we could work out. Oh well.. I find myself unable to approach other women now that I am in such an emotional mess. I know that if I found somebody else most of my feelings would vanish from my ex, however, would it just be a repeat of the whole entire breakup process? I don't know what to do anymore. Quote Link to comment
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