Ex caught trying to test the waters... and keep me as a fall back

[Looptd]

So my ex became stresses and needed time to herself and get herself right. We had been together for 7 years and about to get engaged. She went into counseling and moved out. I was heart broken and lost. Didn't know what to do or think. Went NC for 2 weeks til she agreed to meet with me and that's where she told me about her being lost, and finding herself, and proving she could be strong on her own since she had dated me since just after she graduated HS. She looked me in the eye and told me there was no one else, although she didn't now if we should see other people to make sure of what we have. I've been her only real bf. I disagreed but asked if she went that way she let me know. She promised she would and ask me to do the same.

 

I stayed close with her family because they have been very supportive and we had previously been a very tight nit group.

 

Fast forward a month and I find out(she has no idea I know) that he left for someone she just started working with. So she had been telling me if were meant to be we'll find our way, and I need space...was all bullsh!*. She was trying to see what a new relationship was like with the hope I'd still be there for her.

 

My problem I have been supportive of her and told her I'm here for her if she needs me, but I'll giver her space. And I don't know how to proceed.

 

Ask for one last meeting to see if she lies to my face then confront her. Just send a message to her telling her I know, so she doesn't think she got away with it. Or just walk away.

 

But anything I so I don't want to hurt her family either, as they are still very good to me, even though I know we won't have this relationship moving forward.

[markie6]

I think it's good for you that you found out the truth early on, rather than having hopes and then having to deal with this coming to light down the road a while. I'd be doing my utmost to move on, using the truth to your advantage. Calling them out on it ? .... well I'd keep that up my sleeve and be distancing myself completely from her family also.

 

Use the knowledge to boost your healing

[indea08]

I wish you had posted right away after the breakup. Of all the women I've known who "needed to find themselves", ALL of them had another man in mind. I've even said similar things myself. "We're going different places" or "there are just too many major things that we don't agree on" but in all actuality I was really saying "I have feelings for someone else but I don't want to break your heart". If I were you, I would stay away completely UNLESS she comes back trying to fix things and tries to conceal her fling with the other guy. Assume the relationship is over, because trust me--she's assuming the same, and only address the issue if she comes back acting all innocent. Because if I had wanted my ex back, that's how I would have played it...and it's wrong, but I was young(er) and naive. And what would have driven me to come back to him would have been him ignoring me. The "unknown" drives us most crazy. Is he thinking about me? Does he miss me? Is he seeing other girls already? Does he want me back? Girls just can't resist. And THAT'S why the dumper's always send a "how are you" text a few weeks out.

[nutbrownhare]

Don't bother with the one last meeting to see if she lies in your face. Just keep your distance and maintain your NC; if she wants to meet, explain that you will find it more beneficial for your own healing if you lead separate lives.

 

Torturing yourself with what she may or may not be doing, what she did or did not say, will hinder your healing. Put it down to someone trying to save face and not wanting to feel guilty for hurting you, and move on.

[Looptd]

Thanks for the advice. I don't know her motive as she was ready to be engaged just months ago and even admitted that. I have seen something online that lines up pretty much with how she handled it (poorly, especially since she has a counseling license and career.) With lies. But anyway ... the GIGS

Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:

 

• Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.

 

• Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.

 

• An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.

 

• Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.

 

• Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.

 

Does this make any sense?

I don't want to drive myself crazy but now that I know who she is and how she handled it, I won't. She isn't who I thought she was and I'm done with that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't bother contacting her, she is not worth it. Someone who could make a bold faced lie like that is not worth your effort. It is one thing to have someone else in mind but during the break up say that you don't think it is working out and you don't think there is compatibility, that at least is showing the person that there is no hope and that it is time to move on. It is quite a whole other matter when the person has someone else in mind but makes the following claims of "being lost, and finding herself, and proving she could be strong on her own since she had dated me since just after she graduated HS". The person has no intentions of finding herself and proving she could be strong on her own...she simply wants to bounce to another guy. The first way of doing it shows strength of character while the second way of doing it shows cowardice.

[nutbrownhare]

There is an ancient saying 'The heart has reasons of which reason knows nothing'.

 

People change their minds, and do things which don't make sense. Just because someone's got a counselling licence it doesn't mean they're going to handle events in their own lives any differently to the way they did before they got the licence.

 

The way people behave is an expression of who they are, not who you are.

 

The way forward for you is not to waste time analysing HER, but to reflect that this didn't happen once you'd got married, you now know not to stay invested in this relationship - and move on.

 

You owe her nothing. Similarly, she owes you nothing.

[pumpkinmoon]

Definitely agree with this. You should at least be able to expect honesty in situations like this. Lying is just despicable. If you're about to break someones heart they deserve to know the truth. It's simple to see what she's doing, keeping you around in case things don't work out with this new guy. Don't be there for her. Don't meet her or tell her what you know. As another poster said, use this information to see who she really is, use it to move on and heal yourself. And then when everything falls apart and she comes crawling back to you, you will be strong enough to show her the door.

[Zero71]

I learned quite a few things from my ex. Never believe an ex gf (and I know not all women are like that) when she say that she needs time to herself or that she's confused. 9 times out of 10 they are already looking for your replacement. They just don't want to say it because they want to hurt your feelings or risk losing their ego booster. It's a good thing you found out now instead of much later. At least you won't look too much like a fool while she enjoys using you as an emotional tampon.

[rambleon]

Just to play devil's advocate here, I'm someone who broke up with her boyfriend to "find myself" or whatever. And I did NOT have another guy in mind at the time. I really just did want some time to myself to figure things out.

[Looptd]

Ramle thats what I was believed. I truly thougnt she of all people wouldn't have done what she did. But when facts started to come out and time lines crossed it was obvious that she was right there with him at the very shortly after the break up. And they had already know each other and had a relationship of some sort friendly or whatever, there where too many coincedences to believe otherwise.

 

I'm sure some people do need space in a relationship and need to get themselves right. I was just not that lucky.

[Zuri]

Girl, you hit several nails on the head. And the last two sentences applies to a lot of men, too.

[Looptd]

What's kind of upsetting is he's the exact opposite of me. He 18,(If that) 7 years younger than her, going for the thug life want to be rapper. Into drugs and wild life style. Me I'm 4 years older than her, work in an office, clean cut, reliable and ready for marriage. So how could she go from one to the other. It's almost like she has this hate for who I am, so she went in the exact opposite direction. But if we were happy for the better part of 7 years, how does this work for her? It's completely out of her personality and everything she told me she wanted in life... She was the one who wanted to come home, get in comfy clothes and relax. I guess since she's always acted older than she is now she had a sudden regression.

[rosasnyder811]

First of all, you're playing mind games with someone you want to be with. Going NC is ridiculous if you want to get your ex back.

Second of all, you aren't together. She doesn't owe you anything, and you don't owe her anything. She is under no obligation to tell you anything.

 

If she is worth it to you, stop playing mind games, figure out what it is that is driving the two of you apart, and start working on it before she ends up in the arms of someone else forever. The longer you play the no contact game, the close she gets to the new guy.

You're not doing yourself any favors by playing immature games.

 

Talk to her without putting pressure on her.

[rambleon]

What's kind of upsetting is he's the exact opposite of me. He 18,(If that) 7 years younger than her, going for the thug life want to be rapper. Into drugs and wild life style. Me I'm 4 years older than her, work in an office, clean cut, reliable and ready for marriage. So how could she go from one to the other. It's almost like she has this hate for who I am, so she went in the exact opposite direction. But if we were happy for the better part of 7 years, how does this work for her? It's completely out of her personality and everything she told me she wanted in life... She was the one who wanted to come home, get in comfy clothes and relax. I guess since she's always acted older than she is now she had a sudden regression.

 

Um... Ok at this point our stories started to sound so similar that I got a little nervous.

 

I did the same thing your ex is doing. After my long term relationship ended, I went for a younger, wilder, completely opposite guy... So I'm gonna give you some insight into a few possibilities for why that happens.

 

A) She realized she has a new "type" - People change a lot over 7 years. When I first started dating my ex, I was so attracted to him. I knew he was what I wanted. But after 7 years, I was more attracted to a different type of guy entirely and he no longer fit the bill. My tastes just changed, it can happen.

 

B) Desire for change / something new - 7 years is a long time to be with one guy, especially for someone who has only really had one BF (EXACT same situation for me). There's a theory called the "seven year itch"... Look into it. Anyway the novelty of a completely different guy can be very exciting because he's everything you're not. But when that novelty wears off, there's a chance she will wake up and realize "WHAT am I doing here?"

 

C) Regression - You pointed this out yourself and it is probably spot-on. It's scary getting older. You've heard of a mid-life crisis, well what about a quarter-life crisis? I kinda went through that as well. She was dating you for 7 years, since she got out of HS, and that means her college experience was limited because she was in a relationship. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, lots of people don't feel the need to date around in college but I am speaking from my own POV. Looking back, I wish I'd gotten the chance to be more social at the time when people tend to be MOST social. So suddenly hanging around with younger people gave me a taste of that craziness I'd missed out on. You're ready to be settled down, but she apparently needs to get some things out of her system before considering that.

[rambleon]

First of all, you're playing mind games with someone you want to be with. Going NC is ridiculous if you want to get your ex back... The longer you play the no contact game, the close she gets to the new guy.

 

Can you please explain why you feel this way? I've been debating about going NC for a while lately.

[rosasnyder811]

Can you please explain why you feel this way? I've been debating about going NC for a while lately.

 

Because it's ridiculous to ignore someone that you want to be with. You're going to push them away further. It's immature, and all it does is make it easier for people to move on and get over you.

The best way to get an ex back is to stay in contact. If they are worth it, then the pain is worth it.

If you don't want someone back, then NC is the way to go.

[rambleon]

Because it's ridiculous to ignore someone that you want to be with. You're going to push them away further. It's immature, and all it does is make it easier for people to move on and get over you.

The best way to get an ex back is to stay in contact. If they are worth it, then the pain is worth it.

If you don't want someone back, then NC is the way to go.

 

What if there was a loss of the "spark" on one side? I've heard it's important to give them some space so they can miss you and possibly be more interested again when you eventually meet back up. Otherwise they will just be comfortable with seeing you as a friend from then on.

[squirl]

What if there was a loss of the "spark" on one side? I've heard it's important to give them some space so they can miss you and possibly be more interested again when you eventually meet back up. Otherwise they will just be comfortable with seeing you as a friend from then on.

 

Rosa tells everyone not to do NC. It is by far the minority opinion and often results in arguments on these boards.

[rambleon]

Rosa tells everyone not to do NC. It is by far the minority opinion and often results in arguments on these boards.

 

Ah... Ok. That's why I was curious, because I hadn't heard the reasoning for that opinion yet. And of course I'd rather be told I can stay in contact with him... but I know that's not the case.

[pumpkinmoon]

First of all, you're playing mind games with someone you want to be with. Going NC is ridiculous if you want to get your ex back.

Second of all, you aren't together. She doesn't owe you anything, and you don't owe her anything. She is under no obligation to tell you anything.

 

If she is worth it to you, stop playing mind games, figure out what it is that is driving the two of you apart, and start working on it before she ends up in the arms of someone else forever. The longer you play the no contact game, the close she gets to the new guy.

You're not doing yourself any favors by playing immature games.

 

Talk to her without putting pressure on her.

 

I'm sorry but I totally disagree with this. NC works in many ways. Although I don't believe it should be used as a tool to get an ex back, it can and does work in many cases. It should be used as a means to heal and move on, to distance yourself from the person who is causing you pain. It also allows the person who left to realise what they lost. I'm not saying that NC is guaranteed to get an ex back, but I believe it is the most effective way if there is any chance at all.

[pumpkinmoon]

What if there was a loss of the "spark" on one side? I've heard it's important to give them some space so they can miss you and possibly be more interested again when you eventually meet back up. Otherwise they will just be comfortable with seeing you as a friend from then on.

 

They will also see you as a hindrance and nuisance if you continue to contact them when they do not wish you to. In my opinion AND experience, keeping in contact with someone who has decided to walk out of your life will push them further away!

[rambleon]

They will also see you as a hindrance and nuisance if you continue to contact them when they do not wish you to. In my opinion AND experience, keeping in contact with someone who has decided to walk out of your life will push them further away!

 

Yeah but in my situation, he is the one pushing for friendship. He walked away from our romance but he's still trying VERY hard to keep me in his life. I'm asking if that's a good idea or not if I eventually hope for some reconciliation.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yeah but in my situation, he is the one pushing for friendship. He walked away from our romance but he's still trying VERY hard to keep me in his life. I'm asking if that's a good idea or not if I eventually hope for some reconciliation.

 

I would say a BAD idea. Not only will it allow him to possibly friend zone you, it may also make him lose respect for you as by being his friend, you are going along with his terms even though he knows that you want more, you will be settling for whatever you can get from him, i.e. friendship. Giving him what he wants at the expense of your own feelings. Can you only be friends with him? Will you be okay if you put yourself through a year or so of friendship hoping he will change his mind only to have him tell you that he is dating someone else? I know I couldn't.

 

Get up the strength to go NC. Give yourself time to heal from all of this. It doesn't mean you never have to talk to him again. Also, NC will give him the chance to miss you. He obviously doesn't want to lose you completely, let him feel that loss and let him decide if he made the right decision walking away from your relationship.

[pumpkinmoon]

P.S. to OP, I didn't realise this was your thread so sorry for hijacking. Hopefully any advice I have given to the other poster will be of some use to you also.