monkey2012 Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 My bf of 1 1/2 years broke up with me the day before Xmas after an amazing week holiday in my home country. I've suffered like hell and kept NC after sending him an email 20 days after the breakup. I still love him loads. We were supposed to be living together now(that was the plan last year). Yesterday he emailed me saying I could always contact him if I wanted...and that he understands NC might be best but he doesn't "want the step for any contact to be too high for both of us" I guess he's saying we can be friends? I don't understand... I want him back so much and don't know what to do... Link to comment
lancelot873 Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 ask him what he meant? because if you're quoting the email he wrote, it's pretty vague to me. so ask him what he really meant, and take it from there. i personally struggle with the whole lets be friends thing. so i say i can't be your friend because i always see you as my lover. but that's only because i feel awkward after that. if you're comfortable being with him as just friends for now, then sure. if you think you can't then you can't. it all depends on what he meant. just a simple "im just wondering what you meant by that" would do, no need to get into emotions. it's difficult i know, because i'm in that boat right now. she just broke up with me, so any contact would be misinterpreted i guess. so clarifying would help in your case. good luck Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 I guess that it's a "can we be friends yet " email based on the information provided Link to comment
stranger88 Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 Its a metaphor, he is saying that he doesn't want contact to be that much of a 'reach' or that much 'effort' for either you at that point. Which is basically saying that he isn't sure if you guys are ready yet (either of you) and doesn't want to put either of you out to get there. So from my understanding: He's saying he may be ready to be friends, but he's not sure if its still a bit difficult for either of you. Just remember, the ''step" from friends to relationship is one of the most difficult things you can jump. You can't say "I want you back" it has to be something that kind of just happens. Link to comment
monkey2012 Posted March 16, 2013 Author Share Posted March 16, 2013 On my last email to him I said 'don't contact me unless it's to say that this is all a misunderstanding and you want me back'. Since then no contact and now this.... I'm so confused and of course I want him back... Thanks for your help! Link to comment
amipushy Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 I think he is saying you can contact me if you need to (I feel guilty and sorry for you) but I dont want you back. Stand your ground and don't accept friendship if you want a relationship from him. Link to comment
lancelot873 Posted March 16, 2013 Share Posted March 16, 2013 yes if you love him that much, friendship is a) not fair to you. b) will only hurt you more. Link to comment
lemondust Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I was in a similar situation not all that long ago. It hurts, and you miss him/still love him.....but have compassion and love for you more. In my experience it hurts so much more when you try to go along with the 'friends' thing. As he's not come back saying he wants to reconcile, I would continue with the NC. But the urge to reply/break it is understandable, but opens the door to more hurt at times. Link to comment
monkey2012 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 I've replied saying: 'you can always contact me too. Let me know if you want to catch up sometime' on Tuesday and havent heard back from him... I know i shouldn't have replied but I just couldn't help it. I'm having a difficult day today... I miss him so much on the weekends. And i keep looking at my emails waiting for his reply but i think he will not. I'm so stupid!! Link to comment
Droplet Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 You should have stayed congruent with what you told him the first time... You asked him not to contact you unless he changes his mind and disappeared. He probably started wondering about you when he saw that you were serious about moving on and freaked out, he contacted you to see whether you meant what you said or not. You replied with the exact opposite of what you said. Now he knows you don't mean what you say which means he can have you whenever he wants again. Now that you scratched his itch, he's not interested anymore... Sucks but don't let him fool you twice. Link to comment
ClarityCoast Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 I agree with Droplet. On one hand you are putting up a Stop sign ("Don't contact me unless..."), with the other hand you are drawing him in ("You can always contact me too...") Take the time YOU need to figure out what you WANT, then be CONSTANT in making that clear. Also...take some time to reflect on what these past few months says about this man's CHARACTER. It sounds like the glitz of his holiday has worn off, and he's reaching out for that comfort of a YOU, who will always be around... So far, you are sending the message that you WILL always be around, regardless of his actions. So why should he treat you any differently? What does it say about a man who goes on a vacation and then drops the woman he made plans to move in with? What does that mean for your future? Will this happen after EVER holiday? How will you manage that type of instability? Link to comment
DonDraper32 Posted March 22, 2013 Share Posted March 22, 2013 Don't beat yourself up. I was in NC last week and my ex called me 58 times. I tried to post here but nobody responded in two hours, and I found myself weak and responded. Now she has the power back and it's clear her feelings for me are lost, mostly because I've been so weak since the breakup. Don't beat yourself up. You're only human. Use this feeling as motivation to not answer the next time. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.