downward spiral

[nancy]

Please help. I'm so down at the moment and the light at the end of the tunnell is non existant.

I am currently in a relationship which is 3000 miles apart and it is killing me. I am no stranger to long distance relationships, i've done it for 4 years now (not with my current boyfriend) it's the down side of my job, working on ships.

I met this great american guy on my last ship, (i'm english) and we had a wonderful 6 months together we both knew we didn't want it to end so when he was due to leave the ship (3 weeks before me) we planned a trip to england for him. He came as soon as i got off the ship so we had only been parted 3 weeks and during that time i missed him so much. However he came to england for 6 weeks (he left 2 days ago) we again had a wonderful time together and i was so happy. I had a terrible breakup last year with my long distance lover of 3 years and i finally felt happy again.

two weeks before my boyfriend was due to go home i found out through an email he received (the computer is in my bedroom, seeing the content was ineveitable) that the night before he flew here he had slept with someone else, a girl he has known for years. I was devastated beyond belief. there was nothing but happiness between us and we had only been apart 3 weeks. Well, in his last 2 weeks here we have tried to rebuild this relationship although his first reaction when i found out was to leave but i really didn't want him to. the 2 weeks were ok, up's and downs. I would just start crying for no reason and there were so many questions i wanted to ask but felt as we only had 2 weeks together we just had to focus on playing happy although inside it crushed me and now he's gone i'm feeling the repercussions of restraining my hurt for 2 weeks. He told me it was a big mistake and he regrets it and he really loves me.

we had talked of plans for next year we will both live in england, he has the paperwork all ready. i was so excited about this. Now i feel like an emotional wreak.

He left 2 days ago, back home where this girl he slept with is. That thought kills me, my mind is doing overtime. He joins a ship in a few days so i am hoping i will relax more then. We planned on seeing each other in 6 weeks if plans go accordingly, if not it will be august. 2 days have killed me, that is going to be torture. I just feel so miserable since he has gone, i convinced myself he doesn't want to be with me as he was so eager to mess it up last time we were parted.

To make matters worse as i was sat at home on the computer. His email comes up automatically as he has been using it for the past 6 weeks here. I found it yesterday and curiosity and mistrust caused me to look at it. It saves every message he has been sending and i saw during the 3 weeks we were apart he contacted an ex girlfriend and said how much he loved her and missed her. It broke my heart to read and i know i shouldn't but the temptation after his disloyalty pushed me to it. I don't know what to think now, i can't confront him about it obviously.

I have told myself that during the 3 weeks we were apart he just went through a doubtful time but now he is sure about me but deep down i don't know anything now. I thought i knew him so well, now i feel i know nothing. I don't want to have turned into a jealous psycho girlfriend checking every email he write but i am afraid that's what will happen and that will kill the relationship.

I don't know what to do, i can't sleep or eat. Cos i work away from home i have very few friend s here and because i am not working i have no distractions.

I feel like i am losing control of my relationship. I desperatly need words of advice, comfort or support as i have never felt this low before and i am only on day 2!!

thanks.........

[Australia]

Hi

 

I'm sorry to heard of your sad news From what I see, this man is nothing more than a user of sleeping with other women. I understand how hard it is for you, however, you deserved more than him.

 

Do allow you sometimes to grief over this matter. Try not to feel so bad and remember the time you managed to pull yourself back together from the previous long-distance relationship.

 

Is prefectly fine not to sleep and eat. For the long term this isn't going to be helpful as you are hurting yourself more for your boyfriend.

 

Have confidence in yourself by doing things that you enjoy doing most, such as reading a book, going to a movies, rent some DVD etc... Also, delete all those emails of his and put all the things of his away that doesn't remind you about.

 

Griefing take time and is very normal. I'm sure you will get over it within a few months.

 

Happy ending....

 

Cheers,

Australia.

[SwingFox]

Hello Nancy,

 

I am so sorry to hear what have happened to you. I understand that you are in pain a lot and hurting deep. I guess it's a good thing that you did find out eventually, but that doesn't make you make you feel better.

 

First of all, I would to find out if you still want to be with this guy or that you are done with him. Getting back together with him looks very difficult, because you will have to trust him for 200% again. Could you?

 

If you decide to move on and not to be with him any longer, it might be the best if you break things up with him and stop contacting him at all. This will be very hard at first, because you will miss him, but time will heal your wounds eventually. It won't happen overnight, but eventually it will. At least respect yourself enough to be honest with yourself if you decide to break up.

 

I hope that this helps you and I wish you strength and luck the coming period. I hope that everything will work out fine for you.

 

~ SwingFox ~