nancy

Please help. I'm so down at the moment and the light at the end of the tunnell is non existant. I am currently in a relationship which is 3000 miles apart and it is killing me. I am no stranger to long distance relationships, i've done it for 4 years now (not with my current boyfriend) it's the down side of my job, working on ships. I met this great american guy on my last ship, (i'm english) and we had a wonderful 6 months together we both knew we didn't want it to end so when he was due to leave the ship (3 weeks before me) we planned a trip to england for him. He came as soon as i got off the ship so we had only been parted 3 weeks and during that time i missed him so much. However he came to england for 6 weeks (he left 2 days ago) we again had a wonderful time together and i was so happy. I had a terrible breakup last year with my long distance lover of 3 years and i finally felt happy again. two weeks before my boyfriend was due to go home i found out through an email he received (the computer is in my bedroom, seeing the content was ineveitable) that the night before he flew here he had slept with someone else, a girl he has known for years. I was devastated beyond belief. there was nothing but happiness between us and we had only been apart 3 weeks. Well, in his last 2 weeks here we have tried to rebuild this relationship although his first reaction when i found out was to leave but i really didn't want him to. the 2 weeks were ok, up's and downs. I would just start crying for no reason and there were so many questions i wanted to ask but felt as we only had 2 weeks together we just had to focus on playing happy although inside it crushed me and now he's gone i'm feeling the repercussions of restraining my hurt for 2 weeks. He told me it was a big mistake and he regrets it and he really loves me. we had talked of plans for next year we will both live in england, he has the paperwork all ready. i was so excited about this. Now i feel like an emotional wreak. He left 2 days ago, back home where this girl he slept with is. That thought kills me, my mind is doing overtime. He joins a ship in a few days so i am hoping i will relax more then. We planned on seeing each other in 6 weeks if plans go accordingly, if not it will be august. 2 days have killed me, that is going to be torture. I just feel so miserable since he has gone, i convinced myself he doesn't want to be with me as he was so eager to mess it up last time we were parted. To make matters worse as i was sat at home on the computer. His email comes up automatically as he has been using it for the past 6 weeks here. I found it yesterday and curiosity and mistrust caused me to look at it. It saves every message he has been sending and i saw during the 3 weeks we were apart he contacted an ex girlfriend and said how much he loved her and missed her. It broke my heart to read and i know i shouldn't but the temptation after his disloyalty pushed me to it. I don't know what to think now, i can't confront him about it obviously. I have told myself that during the 3 weeks we were apart he just went through a doubtful time but now he is sure about me but deep down i don't know anything now. I thought i knew him so well, now i feel i know nothing. I don't want to have turned into a jealous psycho girlfriend checking every email he write but i am afraid that's what will happen and that will kill the relationship. I don't know what to do, i can't sleep or eat. Cos i work away from home i have very few friend s here and because i am not working i have no distractions. I feel like i am losing control of my relationship. I desperatly need words of advice, comfort or support as i have never felt this low before and i am only on day 2!! thanks.........

I can totally relate to what you are feeling, although i only said goodbye to my boyfriend today, we have done it many times and i always think it'll be easier and it never is. Never a day passes without my mum telling me 'if it's meant to be it will, nothing will get in it's way' and every day i give her that 'shut up mother' look but i do know sh'e right. It's such a shock to the system going from all day everyday to nothing. you feel literally like part of you is missing. I know what you mean about being with your friends, i always feel like i'm out with my friends in body but not always in mind, my mind is filled with thoughts of him (even more now the last time we were apart he cheated) I know you feel like you want to just give up and be with her, i feel that way too, i figure if something makes me so miserable why am i continuing to be apart. We agreed next year we would settle down but next year feels too far away, tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough. The best thing is to keep yourself busy, i try to fill my days (not working at moment so even more difficult) i try to do something that makes me physically tired so i get in to bed and fall asleep cos lying there at night with your thoughts is the worst thing ever. I try to think of new things to send him, or little gestures i can do, i find that really satisfying. The time apart really doesn't feel as bad if you don't wish away your minutes and you can just be happy that you have a loving relationship. take care.

I know the best thing is to just live each day, rather than wish the minutes away because at the end of the day, 6 weeks or 6 months, i have no power of sppeding it up. The thing is, i can be totally rational and positive and trusting and loving and appreciate this time as time for the relationship to grow just as much as if we are together. The thing is i can't stop the hust of being cheated on and the saddness of him not being here. I can not escape those feeling no matter what. I really wish i had something to throw myself into. My work is on ships so i only tend to do little bits here and there when i am home. The same with my friends, i really struggle to find a distraction which prolongs my pain. I also find my imagination starts running away with me. I have turned his cheating (which he said lasted only minutes) into a full on steamy sex session with some supermodel whilst both of them laugh at pathetic little me sat at home waiting for him to arrive. I torture myself with silly painful thoughts one minute and then get all upset, then start thinking of all the good stuff and again get upset and then finally move on to pulling myself together and trying the positive approach. I am so up and down it is ridiculous.

Thanks for your reply, it's so helpful to get someone elses perspective. I feel too mixed up in this whole thing to see it for what it is. The thing is he is very entusiastic about next year when we both get back on dry land he wants to come back to England and has even got all the paperwork to apply for a clearance visa and has been looking at jobs where they would help him out with work permit etc. So in that respect he is doing everything 'right'. He say's all the right stuff, and looks pretty genuine when he says it but..... the pain of being cheated on is unbearable and the pain of not having him here and knowing when we'll be together again is excruciating. I know everyone makes mistakes and i have decided it's worth a second chance, i just wish we didn't have to be apart whilst we are healing those wounds. I am really trying to be positive and focus on me for a bit and do all that 'if it's meant to be....' but for the first time i just feel drained by it and i'm scared it might not work out the way i really want it too. I feel like i find myself wishing my days away until isee him and i don't want to do that. It's apretty sad thought wishing your life away. Feel so numb, i wish he was here, more importantly iwish i had some friends here.

Hi, this is my first post to this forum and I am really looking for support from others in a similar situation to me. I took my boyfriend to the airport this morning and said goodbye for...... we don't know. Worst case scenario is next march, best is 6 weeks. We both work on cruise ships and after meeting and spending a wonderful 4 months together on board a ship the reality of our difficult relationship has hit home with a sharp blow. To top things off is he is American and i am english so the time off between ship contracts is made difficult with 3000 miles. However he has just spent 6 weeks in sunny england with me before having to leave (this morning) to join his ship up in Alaska! The problem with our relationship is it's either full on intense every minute together or a quick 5 minute call from the ships satellite phone with 15 philipinos stood next to you. Now normally i am a very trusting person, i don't suffer from insane jealousy which can cause major friction in long distance relationships but i found out last week that our last time apart just before he flew to england he slept with someone the night before he got on the plane. We had only been apart 3 weeks and he was seeing me the next day and when i found out (she emailed him.....about 15 times in 3 days, i had to ask some questions and it came out) i was absolutly devastated, it's something i never thought he would do. He told me he was going out for a meal with 'an old friend' and i actually said have fun!! well, i only found this out 2 weeks ago and i didn't want it to end so he stayed here and tried to gloss over what happened although small details are killing me about what happened between them. I don't feel i could ask though because our time together was counting down and i didn't want to ruin it with annalysing it. Now he's gone and i don't know when i'll see him and it's so hard to trust him after all this although he swears he won't make the same mistake twice. We had 6 fantastic weeks together here in england and 6 months before on a ship. I just feel like i am battling against 2 conflicting emotions, being apart is difficult enough but now i question his faithfulness. I always work away from home and really only ever come home to unpack and pack again, however this time my next contract isn't till august and i have a long time to sit and dwell, my friends are co workers so where i live at home means i don't have anyone to really talk to about this. I hope you have some much needed support for me, feeling pretty empty and really lonely right now.