Curious inquiry for guys

[pinkelephant]

So this is kind of random, but I was wondering if you guys can weigh in on this.

 

My bf of 10 months almost always have a boner when we're hanging out alone together. This is obviously very flattering and exciting, especially when it's almost a year into the relationship. But the weird thing is, compare to my past boyfriends, he doesn't seem to have as high of a sex drive. Sometimes, if I sit on his lap to watch a movie or something, he'll get a boner... I'll take it as a cue to get a little frisky.. but he isn't into it? (We are home alone, all system's ready to go except for him! haha)

 

Doesn't boner = horny = wanna have sex?

lol

 

I'm having a bit of trouble making this sound less immature and juvenile but can you help shed some light?

[PaintWithLight]

Not all flirtation and sex play needs to lead to actual sex. However, an erection is a good indication that he is aroused. Maybe there are other concerns that makes him turn down your offer to have sex.

 

Not every erection means you want to have sex. Just like you can be aroused but the circumstances are not quite right to follow through.

[Edmund Exley]

Good luck finding an explantion for that. All I can guess is the boner is his body's natural reaction, but perhaps he simply doesn't enjoy sex.

[The Raviator]

This is one case where the girl actually does seem to understand most men...

 

Boner = horny

 

Your going to be correct about this little equation 99.9% of the time!

 

It would appear as though you have found the other .1%.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

It sounds to me like he is simply a reasonable, laid-back guy.

 

Sure he may be ready for sex, but that does not mean that he needs it or wants it.

 

Maybe he does not want you to think only about sex around him. Maybe he is trying to convince himself that he has the self-control to overcome his sexual urges.

 

Have you asked him about things? Does he have issues in bed?

 

An erection may mean that a man is aroused, but it takes something on the man's part to make the desire happen.

[SapphireNoir10]

Does he ever have issues keeping it up? Or ejaculating too fast? Anything that could make him insecure about having sex?

 

Does he seem a sexual person?

 

Sometimes it's just the bodies primal reaction to mental or physical stimulation but the person may still have no real desire to follow up that reaction. That's all I can think of.

[Godless_Heathen]

I've had lots of erections when I wasn't aroused, but almost always when I've been asleep. There's also the I-have-to-pee erection, which is very annoying because it makes life difficult when I finally reach a bathroom. But normally, yeah, an erection while awake means I'm interested.

[EssexMan]

It's physical arousal, but it isn't necessarily accompanied by that psychological/emotional urgency to have sex right now.

 

It is probably completely involuntary too - a guy doesn't have a lot of control over whether he gets hard or not (sure he can influence it to happen or not happen, but he can't just turn it on and off with the flick of a switch).

 

Often these erections caused just by physical contact disappear as quickly as they appear. I would say I have a fairly (not abnormally) low sex drive and I get them frequently even at my age, so the two things aren't incompatible, and I wouldn't think it necessarily means he has any problems with sex or with you.

[mfic]

I get aroused extremely easy. When I was in high school and college I would get random erections all the time. In my mid 20's just walking around I would get them and I could stay hard for long periods of time. After I went to a psychologist I learned to control the triggers to stimulation. Up until that point I could have sex for an hour and not be able to ejaculate. It sucked. I learned I am in a very low percentage of the population, but I have a feeling this guy is also

[jonny15]

The only time I have a boner and am not ready to bust one, is when I wake up and have to pee. Other than that, i'm horny.

 

Don't see how a man can one and not be ready to sex it up.

[pinkelephant]

Does he ever have issues keeping it up? Or ejaculating too fast? Anything that could make him insecure about having sex?

 

Does he seem a sexual person?

 

Sometimes it's just the bodies primal reaction to mental or physical stimulation but the person may still have no real desire to follow up that reaction. That's all I can think of.

 

He has no problem having sex with me (that I know of). When we first started dating, he had trouble getting it up/keeping an erection/cumming too soon.. but it went away and we have zero problem there. He told me he's masturbated more than once a day before, but we've never done it more than once a day. My previous can usually go again later - if not immediately, but with this guy.. if we had sex in the morning, there's no way we're going to have sex again that night.

 

Seems new to me. Maybe he's just not a sexual person. Hm.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

-but we've never done it more than once a day.

-if we had sex in the morning, there's no way we're going to have sex again that night.

Maybe he's just not a sexual person.

 

Haha. What?

[90_hour_sleep]

what's his general mood like when he's not really into it?

 

i'm like that sometimes. all systems go on the physical front, but just somewhere else with everything else. it doesn't happen often. but when it does...it's usually because i'm preoccupied. maybe brooding about something...or just really internalized. it's congruent with who i am...so i don't think it's really a huge surprise for the women in my life. maybe your boyfriend's the same.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

what's his general mood like when he's not really into it?

 

i'm like that sometimes. all systems go on the physical front, but just somewhere else with everything else. it doesn't happen often. but when it does...it's usually because i'm preoccupied. maybe brooding about something...or just really internalized. it's congruent with who i am...so i don't think it's really a huge surprise for the women in my life. maybe your boyfriend's the same.

 

Physical and mental state are definitely two different things. Obviously, this guy is not just a sex machine. If he has thoughts, there are things on his mind other than sex.

[EssexMan]

Don't see how a man can one and not be ready to sex it up.

 

They're "ready" in the sense that they're ready to do it physically, but they may not be in the mood psychologically.

[jonny15]

First off. Sorry for not seeing the need to edit.

 

I meant...."can have one"

 

They're "ready" in the sense that they're ready to do it physically, but they may not be in the mood psychologically.

 

All I need to do is touch it.

 

And I cannot recall the last time I had one that I didn't want to "fix" that problem ASAP!!!!!!!!!

 

Of course that isn't counting needing to pee.

 

I also don't have random ones anymore outside of the pee ones.

 

When I want to get hard, I have to make it happen.

[EssexMan]

He has no problem having sex with me (that I know of). When we first started dating, he had trouble getting it up/keeping an erection/cumming too soon.. but it went away and we have zero problem there. He told me he's masturbated more than once a day before, but we've never done it more than once a day. My previous can usually go again later - if not immediately, but with this guy.. if we had sex in the morning, there's no way we're going to have sex again that night.

 

Seems new to me. Maybe he's just not a sexual person. Hm.

 

That seems the most likely explanation to me. The issues you had with erections etc. early on are pretty common in a new relationship and probably nothing to do with the issue you've posted about here.

 

Let me give you a perspective which may be similar to your bf's. Like I said, I would imagine I am on the lowish side of normal where sex drive is concerned: I am happy with two or three times a week. (And I do mean happy with, not having to put up with only getting.) I think I've always been pretty much like that.

 

But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it as much as any other guy when it does happen, or that I don't think about it as much as other guys, or that I don't value it. Nor does it mean that I would actively dislike having more sex than that. It also doesn't mean I don't get a hard-on quite often just from kissing.

 

It's just that I'm not hungry to have more; it's not the priority; I'm unlikely to proactively try to initiate more. (Obviously, I'm not saying that I literally count the number of times per week and switch off once that is reached, I'm talking general averages.)

 

So, your bf may be in this situation. He's sexual, he's attracted to you, he enjoys sex with you, there are no "issues" as such, he's just happy with less than some other guys.

 

Practically, what that means is that if you want more sex than you're getting, you'll probably have to be more blatantly proactive than you are in starting things off. There is definitely a point of arousal beyond which even a low and satiated sex drive perks up.

[pinkelephant]

Haha. Honestly, this makes some sense. He seems to be similar to you. I think he's happy with 3-4 times a week, which is workable. It just kinda sucks and I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but I'm worried that his sex drive will decline as he gets older.

 

If we get married and down the line, he has no sex drive? I would like.. die. LOL >.>

You're 46... was your sex drive always been like this, like in your 20s or 30s? We're in our mid 20s... I know we're not teenagers, but still?

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I know we're not teenagers, but still?

 

I am. And I still think that once a day is a crazy insane amount of sex.

 

That was the point of my "Haha. What?" comment.

[BlueEagle]

Doesn't boner = horny = wanna have sex?

 

Not necessarily. Just because he gets an erection doesn't mean it's going to stay that way and he's ready to go right then and there. It's a biological reaction, but if his mind isn't in a good place or is preoccupied with other things going on, that erection could deflate quickly. Have you tried asking him, while sitting on his lap, if he wants to mess around? See what he says, don't assume or try to read his mind.

[BlueEagle]

He has no problem having sex with me (that I know of). When we first started dating, he had trouble getting it up/keeping an erection/cumming too soon.. but it went away and we have zero problem there. He told me he's masturbated more than once a day before, but we've never done it more than once a day. My previous can usually go again later - if not immediately, but with this guy.. if we had sex in the morning, there's no way we're going to have sex again that night.

 

Seems new to me. Maybe he's just not a sexual person. Hm.

 

Of course he's a sexual person. He's just on a different level than you are. But the good news is this can be resolved by having candid, non-judgmental talks together and seeing what could be done a little differently, if possible, to get him more up to speed. If that still doesn't work, then encourage him to get his testosterone level checked. Don't make him feel weird about himself though. Being in his mid-20s I would find it a bit unusual he would have low T since that usually begins happening in the 30s, at the earliest. Still, for peace of mind and a medical professional's opinion, it can't hurt to get it checked out as a last resort.

[EssexMan]

You're 46... was your sex drive always been like this, like in your 20s or 30s? We're in our mid 20s... I know we're not teenagers, but still?

 

It always seemed a little lower than other people's, for sure.

[Klokwurk]

It is possible he is just tired, and doesn't want to put in the "work" that sexual intercourse requires. Have you tried just fondling his penis/testes until he comes?

[EQIQ]

For me the only time that boner does not necessarily = horny is in the case of morning wood. But even then it would be extremely easy to get horny if I am already hard lol.

[PaintWithLight]

Haha. Honestly, this makes some sense. He seems to be similar to you. I think he's happy with 3-4 times a week, which is workable. It just kinda sucks and I hope this doesn't sound stupid, but I'm worried that his sex drive will decline as he gets older.

 

If we get married and down the line, he has no sex drive? I would like.. die. LOL >.>

You're 46... was your sex drive always been like this, like in your 20s or 30s? We're in our mid 20s... I know we're not teenagers, but still?

 

Do not worry about your raging libido if you get married. Marriage and all the real life issues and challenges can have a way of cooling those jets. You are mid-20s and just dating. Life will never be more cushy than you have right now. Plenty of time to have sex, think of sex, worry about sex. LOL.