hurt, looking for advice

[D123R]

please don't be too harsh, i'm kinda hurt right now...

i started talking to this guy last year. we hung out a few times and he said he really liked me. i found him uninteresting, generic and just not my type. however, i was attracted to him. So feeling no interest in dating him I initiated (without much difficulty) having sex. after that he continued to talk to me, texting to say hi, so i thought maybe he's a nice guy. So i agreed to visit him at his place. we hung out and had fun, talked, and he seemed nervous that i was there, which i thought was cute. Then he mentioned that he's bad at dating and doesn't do it too often since his last gf broke his heart. It was mentioned in conversation, not serious or anything so i just let it slide and figured i'll go with the flow and see how things go.

He travels a lot for work. over the next few weeks i would txt him to say hi but he seemed busy so i stopped. Fast forward two whole months and he texts me saying hows it going its been a while, etc. We made plans to meet up. When we did, we made out, as usual, and he always says that he loves it when i kiss him, and mentioned that kissing me just "feels right" to him. I agree that i do get dizzy and feel really nice when we kiss, so i think its mutual. he always wants me to spend the night with him, even if we don't have sex. we hardly see each other though and have booty called each other several times so to me thats just sex.. I was sort of confused, so i asked him whats up with the affection and stuff, like what does he want? He said he enjoys spending time with me and he does like me but he doesn't want to date anyone. I responded that if he doesn't want to date me, then its just sex. He disagreed and said thats not the case because he likes me. I was just annoyed so ended the conversation.

 

I was starting to really like him so I texted him and told him that if we're really just purely fwb then i shouldn't see him anymore. I was thinking that if he did have feelings for me, i'd be okay with us being casual and taking things slow. He said he likes me too but is too busy for a gf. i said i wasn't looking to jump into anything and he was like okay well what do you want to be then knowing that he didn't want to start anything serious at this point? I asked if he wanted to meet up to talk in person instead of over text. He said yea that sounded good. So i tried hanging out w him but he was difficult to meet up with. He asked if i wanted to get lunch and i said okay, then he cancelled and said he couldn't. then several times he texted me at 2am inviting me over. I got offended that he was booty calling me when i was trying to actually hang out and said forget it, i'm not trying to meet up anymore and would appreciate not getting booty called again. He apologized for it seeming that way and said he didn't want me to think he's a jerk. I said that if he enjoyed spending time with me like he said he did, we would have gotten together by now. He replied that he does enjoy spending time with me but wasn't sure if he should since i said i wanted a relationship. I never really said that but okay he has a point, i developed feelings for him. So i said look, i'm not trying to rush into things with you, i just like you and want to hang out and have fun. but he was still iffy about it and said he thought i would just end up wanting more....so i know its bad, but i got a little desperate and STILL texted him asking if he was sure he didn't want to get together and that if he wants me to not text him anymore to just say so. He said he doesn't know, he just feels like we're going to go through this whole thing over again if we hang out. now i can see that he is not budging and i feel so sad. I feel like if i just end it right here i'll feel worse, like when you quit something cold turkey it always makes you want it more. so i'm afraid to just end it but at the same time i don't want to end up bothering him. I thought about just asking him if we should just be friends, but i'm not one to stoop low and it kind of hurts my pride to beg for someone's attention. I hate how having feelings for someone makes me such an idiot. I don't know what to do at this point. Maybe if i say the right thing he will just hang out with me already and i can stop thinking about it. Any thoughts/advice? please keep in mind i am emotionally like jello right now so please don't be too harsh, i know i got myself into this.

 

please don't answer unless you read all of this, i know its a lot but its a long story.

[timbit]

Hi, sorry you're feeling so bad. I think he's been pretty clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you, now or in the foreseeable future. It sucks and it's not your fault but that's just the way it is. The best thing you can do is break-off all contact (including texts) until you don't miss him anymore. I know it's hard but it really is for the best. Don't make a big deal of it by dramatically announcing it or anything - it's not like you guys were a couple. Just resolve to not initiate contact, and if he does politely kill the conversation. I know it seem hard now but you'll be fine and the feelings will dissipate in time.

[D123R]

thank you timbit, i will keep that in mind and not send him an announcement text. I just don't like not knowing whats going on which is why i texted him before about being offended by the booty calls. i guess part of it is that i'm angry that it didn't go how i wanted, as immature as that sounds.

[Justme3]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. You might as well think of it as a break up and accept things for what they are. You want something he doesn't want from you. I wouldn't contact him anymore.

[Ms Darcy]

I can see his perspective on this. You are, no disrespect, all over the place. One minute you are offering sex without a commitment. Then, as you two continue talking then you do mutual booty calls. Then you say if this is just a booty call, you two should stop. But then you say you are not looking to jump into anything but then you say if he really liked you then you would be together. BUT THEN you said you just want to hang out and have fun and then you get desperate on him asking if he wants to meet up.

 

My head hurts.

 

Three things about this guy. 1) He made it clear he wasn't ready to date anyone. 2) He is probably type of guy that doesn't want a mechanical "fwb" but more of a friendly, relationship-like one where you cuddle and say nice things but then he doesn't have the responsibilities of a boyfriend (like faithfulness). 3) I think he was absolutely right about you in saying you would end up wanting more.

 

He is not willing to give you more. It is best to stop contacting him and work hard on moving on.

[D123R]

thanks. i guess i'll just have to suck it up and move on...he isn't my type of person anyways. i was just blinded by feelings.

[D123R]

Ms Darcy, yes i am all over the place. i'm usually like that, eh. And i did tell him i wasn't sure what i wanted, all i knew was that i liked him. but yes, i see your point. But in my own defense, i started out with just sex because thats all i wanted at the time, then feelings grew. and i didn't say that we would be together if he really liked me, i said we would have at least gotten together/hungout. not together in a couple sense.

[D123R]

and i'll openly admit, yes he was right about me wanting more. i would have. but thats where the desperate part comes in...its like, "okay ill settle for anything if i can just see you," self-humiliating kind of desperation when you like someone. ehh haha wow...but yea, thinking of it, i guess it was more frustration in the struggle than truly caring about the guy, at least i didn't really fall in love. it won't be that hard and i appreciate all of the advice. i won't contact him again.

[angrythoughts]

I wouldn't even text him saying "I think we should just be friends". I think you shouldn't text him at all and slowly move on, cuz I've been there and it is soo hard to move on. It's a horrible feeling.