Two-wave love, one-way sexual attraction

[timbit]

Hi,

 

I've been with my girlfriend for two years and we have a fantastic relationship in almost all respects. I'm 31 and she is 27. Our problem is sexual, but not one I've come accross before. I was a LOT more experienced than her when we met. She was a virgin and had made very little exploration of her sexuality. I had several long and short term relationships and knew my likes and dislikes well. I had also learned that women's sexuality is complicated and subtle, so when we started having sex and she didn't seem to respond in an enthusiastic way I wasn't too worried. I figured it (and she ) would come with time as she learned to relax and we started to figure out what was good for her.

 

Without boring (or possibly, titillating) you with the details, as I'd hoped she became more confident in her sexuality but it leaves us with something of what is either a dilemma or just one of those things that can't be helped. This is where I need some advice.

 

To me she's the hottest girl in the world but while I know she loves me, and even thinks I'm handsome, she just isn't turned on by me. I've read other threads that deal with a lack of sexual attraction but in those the affected partner often doesn't enjoy being touched or kissed by the other. We don't have that problem at all - we're both physically affectionate with each other and don't need an excuse to make out like teenagers. Everything else is fine, but when we have sex she just doesn't get particularly turned on or climax. However, if she fantasises about a more physically masculine man (of which the crucial component is a bigger penis, etc.) then she gets very aroused and can climax in just a few minutes. Now, we've tried to incorporate this into our sex-life - for example we might read an erotic story with a well-endowed character together while I rub her clit or go down on her, and then have sex when she's come. We've even experimented with having sex while watching a porn video with a dude who fits the bill and again that sets of the fireworks.

 

I'm sure I'll get asked so I should say that as far as I know I'm not particularly 'unmasculine' - I'm very successful at work, confident, usually take charge in a given situation (including in our relationship) and while not particularly tall I'm not particularly short either. It's hard for a guy to judge penis size but I've slept with quite a few girls and have never experienced this problem. We've talked about it obviously and for her it's nothing to do with how I carry myself, or what I do in the bedroom. It's simply just that bigger penises arouse her to the point that she feels that animal lust that she doesn't feel with me, and that naturally makes orgasm possible. Without the aid of those fantasies, we can and do still enjoy 'lovemaking' type sex without the lust and climax for her. Even without the same level of excitement she enjoys it greatly for the intimacy and sense of connection it affords.

 

She feels the same about the direction of the relationship as I do, and is happy with our sex life (though admittedly with no reference point). In an ideal world, I would of course prefer to be able to turn her on but given that so much else is right, do we have a problem? Is there something we could do to address it, or is this just our normal that we should get used to and enjoy our relationship?

 

If the latter I could live with that, but with one eye on the long-term, I wonder would a point ever come when I'm less confident in myself and become dissatisfied with not being 'desired' if you see what I mean. So while it's not a problem for me now, unaddressed it could potentially become one when my mid-life crisis kicks in

 

Thanks in advance for your advice.

[SapphireNoir10]

You must be a very secure person. I know theres no way in hell I could do what your doing. If my partner preferred small breasted women, or shorter women and he could only climax looking at pictures of them or reading fiction with them in whilst I gave him a handjob or whatever....that's like living a whole life accepting your partner isn't sexually turned on by you but is by other people and men.

 

If you are truly happy with this then kudos...but I'm just trying to understand HOW you are ok with it?

[ButterflyWrists]

I think this has the potential to really damage your self-esteem and self perception. If you can deal with it thats awesome. But I would not allow it to damage my self esteem. It's like girls and porn, they think their boyfriend is more attracted to those types of women, they become jealous and insecure and the relationship falls apart.

I'm not saying this type of thing will happen to you, but if it does, it is very difficult to build that self esteem up again. Not really sure I have any advice that could help in the situation though..

[Angel Irulan]

You must be a very secure person. I know theres no way in hell I could do what your doing. If my partner preferred small breasted women, or shorter women and he could only climax looking at pictures of them or reading fiction with them in whilst I gave him a handjob or whatever....that's like living a whole life accepting your partner isn't sexually turned on by you but is by other people and men.

 

If you are truly happy with this then kudos...but I'm just trying to understand HOW you are ok with it?

 

I have to shout ditto here! I couldn't take it. And thinking back, I doubt if any of my ex's would have been anything other than extremely angry if I'd told them their **** was too small. I mean ENRAGED! I think this is where you take a look at her and wonder if she didn't actually need more experience with men in general, to know what her sexual life is going to evolve into! 30 percent of women are non orgasmic, according to the literature in the medical school library, okay so I looked it up, and really and truly, it's not rocket science. An orgasm is all about your brain! Penis's and vagina's have relatively little to do with it!

 

Have you tried non penile orgasm through clitoral stimulation????

 

Angel

[BrianH46]

Wow your situation is rough, kudos for being man enough to handle it. As for advice I'm coming up empty, never really heard of a situation like this before.

[timbit]

Thanks for the replies so far all. Yeah, I guess I am pretty confident in myself but I've also had more experience. It's not like we do the fantasy stuff all or even most of the time, or that she can't enjoy sex without it. She never makes me feel bad about it, never gets frustrated about it, and never withholds sex because of it. She's affectionate, attentive and caring towards me in and out of the bedroom.

 

Most of the time when we have sex its 'just the two of us' and we both enjoy it. The fantasy part is just the way to get her to that orgasmic level of excitement.

 

Angel, we tried pretty much every technique going save a couple that she definitely wasn't into and again, while enjoyable, it wasn't arousing to the same degree.

 

I totally agree about what you say about orgasms (and more generally, good sex) originating in the mind. I also agree that most likely this situation wouldn't have arisen if she'd been more experienced. 5 years ago I probably would've reacted like your exes but I know a bit more about women, sex and life generally now

 

Butterfly Wrists, I hear what you're saying. It's not a problem now and I don't think it will be but who knows. For sure I'd rather find another way to achieve the same effect.

[itsallgrand]

I think this will get boring. She is new to sex, and you are new to this relationship with her and the two of you being in love. So right now you are wiling to overlook it because it's all hot for you now, and she is still experimenting and that is fun.

[timbit]

Hi IAG, thanks for your reply. What do you mean by 'this'? Are you saying you think that over her time the potency of her fantasy will diminish and she'll either find a different fantasy or focus on the real world, or that you think she'll get bored with me?