Death Seems Like an Easier Option

[narco]

I've heard the mantra - "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I know to a certain extent, this is the truth. However, it has little effect on me. I've simply lost the desire to live. I just don't have the will to go on. Waking up every morning is such an intolerable grind. Sleep is when I'm at peace. But I know that deep down, every human being has self-preservation instincts, and I'm certain it's that aspect of survival that's stopped me from loading my grandfather's old pistol and putting it to my head. The way I feel now is a culmination of several events in the last four years that have worn me down.

 

The only kind of pleasure I feel these days stems from an escape from reality - a novel, a basketball game, a film, a videogame. But I can't escape reality forever and I'm soon back to the truth. I've been planning to take my life on Sunday as my family will be away for the day. There's that little self-preservation instinct clawing away at me deep inside (I guess that's why I'm writing on this) but life just seems so bleak, so hopeless and pointless. A few years back I always used to wonder what my life would be like say in 10, 20 years time. These days I can't even imagine where I'll be next year, because it just seems like I'm on a road that is about to end.

 

I'm sorry for rambling without posing any specific point or question. I'm pretty nervous about this - I've never told anyone about how I really feel. I just thought I would write my feelings down.

[Elektra22]

Please do not do this. Talk to your religious minister (if you have one), your best friend, your sibling, or anyone you feel close to- you could even call a suicide hotline if you want to remain anonymous. What you're feeling could be a result of a chemical imbalance that can be remedied by anti-depressants. It will get better, you just have to reach out and get some help and find the courage to fight. There are so many beautiful things you have yet to experience. You sound like an intelligent, well-spoken individual and you have gifts to give this world and also to receive. You are worthwhile and deserve to live.

[narco]

Please do not do this. Talk to your religious minister (if you have one), your best friend, your sibling, or anyone you feel close to- you could even call a suicide hotline if you want to remain anonymous. What you're feeling could be a result of a chemical imbalance that can be remedied by anti-depressants. It will get better, you just have to reach out and get some help and find the courage to fight. There are so many beautiful things you have yet to experience. You sound like an intelligent, well-spoken individual and you have gifts to give this world and also to receive. You are worthwhile and deserve to live.

 

Thank you for responding. Regarding who I could talk to - I'm not religious so I don't have a religious minister. And regarding who I could talk to - I find it really, really difficult to tell anyone about how I feel and why I feel the way I do. I was lurking on this site for a month before having the courage to create an account. I know you're right that there are a lot of things I'm yet to experience in life, but the things that I once obsessively desired from life, I simply don't anymore. Life is just so hard right now. I have been thinking about maybe trying a hotline since I'll have anonymity. I find the thought of me telling someone about how I've been feeling and why I've been feeling like this in the flesh, an impossible proposal.

[Elektra22]

Narco you are welcome & that would be a wonderful idea with the hotline they are such caring, thoughtful individuals. No one will judge you they just want to help and do what is best for you. I am glad you are reaching out to others on here that shows me you have the strength to fight and I know you can find a way to manage and push thru this ordeal. I have never talked to anyone about this on here or another forum for that matter because it is very personal to me, but I too, was suicidal once while going thru a divorce. I thought my world was over, everything seemed bleak and I was just going thru the motions of existing and not really living. I knew that if I took my life though that it would destroy my mother & sisters so I fought and battled my way out of it. I got some professional help and I was on anti-depressants for several months. And once those lil suckers kicked in lemme tell you I was happy 24/7, I worked out a lot at the gym, got a new job and went back to school. It was really rough for awhile, I won't lie to you, but the rewards were so worth it. I know you can get there too if you just believe in yourself. I believe in you. There is no shame in reaching out for help- in fact, I think so highly of you that you are contemplating the hotline and I urge you strongly to proceed. If you're in the USA here are 2 toll free numbers for the national crisis suicide lines: 1-800-SUICIDE which is 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-TALK which is 1-800-273- 8255. I just looked them up for you. I'm here if you need to talk ok please call the hotline for yourself and your family.

[ThatwasThen]

I've never told anyone about how I really feel.

Please do your parents and any siblings you may have a wonderful, loving gift and tell them what you've told us here. If you absolutely can not bring yourself to tell them, then before Sunday, make an appointment with your family doctor and tell him. Failing being able to make an appmnt at your docs.. go to the emergency dept of your local hospital and ask for a referal to a psychiatrist. You can overcome this.

[narco]

Thank you for sharing your story. It really resonated with me, particularly the bit about "existing and not living." If I could summarize the well I feel right now, it would be that. I feel like a shell of a person. The fact that you went through the same thing as I am but you managed to pull yourself out of it is inspiring. And I'm happy for you. But I just don't see myself having the strength you did and completely reinventing myself like that. At the moment it just seems like something I'm unable to attain. I can also relate to you about knowing what such a thing (suicide) would do to your family. I've been thinking the same and it increases the self-loathing within me because I know my family deserves better than someone who'll put them through hell. Thank you for taking the effort to find the hotlines. I live in the United Kingdom, however. I've found a couple of suicide hotlines here via Google. I don't think I can quite open up to my family. But I may try a hotline. Thank you for everything. You're a wonderful person.

[narco]

Please do your parents and any siblings you may have a wonderful, loving gift and tell them what you've told us here. If you absolutely can not bring yourself to tell them, then before Sunday, make an appointment with your family doctor and tell him. Failing being able to make an appmnt at your docs.. go to the emergency dept of your local hospital and ask for a referal to a psychiatrist. You can overcome this.

 

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I don't think I can quite bring myself to tell my family everything. Or even anyone else (including a doctor) in the flesh. It's just something I find to difficult to open up about. I've been contemplating a suicide hotline, however. I think perhaps I could start there. I was at the doc's place a couple of weeks back and I did feel a slight urge to tell him but I just couldn't.

[Elektra22]

Narco trust me I didn't think I could do any of those things either at the time. I barely had the energy to drag my butt out of bed. Everything was hopeless to me too. I saw the world in gray and devoid of color. I didn't have any joy in anything and I forced myself to get thru the day- they all seemed to blend together and become monotonous and lackluster. I didn't do all of those things at once- it was over a span of years, but the first step was getting help. I'm still a work in progress, but hey we all are. I think it's our imperfections which make us interesting and unique. I'm sorry I wasn't trying to overwhelm you with all of that. The only thing you need to do is concentrate on getting help & getting better- the rest will follow in time I promise you that and I do not take or make promises lightly. You are welcome Narco please keep in touch and I really hope you call them. If you need me like I said just contact me on here ok and you are wonderful too. Lots of hugs.

[Moontiger]

Therapy was the best choices I ever made. The first time I went the therapist asked me one question and I just started crying. Why not at least try seeing a therapist? I couldn't hurt anything.

[iamkaylee]

narco,

 

Please call the hotline there in the UK. I know every side of the suicide triangle. I've lost many close friends and family members that way. I can tell you right now, it's not something you ever really get over. You learn to live with it. One question you'll leave behind no matter what you do is "WHY?". Survivors never really find understanding. I've also been where you are for a long, long time. Every day, sometimes every moment was a struggle to find just ONE reason to keep going. Somehow, I did. As bleak as things may seem, I promise you, You can always find at least ONE reason to say no. There IS hope and there is help out there for you. I volunteered for a suicide hotline for a little while not too long ago. They WILL listen and not judge. If you only want to talk for a few minutes, that's OK. If you want to talk for hours, that's OK too. If you want to call 50 times a day for a year, you can. It doesn't matter. They will listen and they will help you. All you have to do is ask.

 

Your family might be away on Sunday but they will come back. Please, make the call.

[narco]

@ Elektra - You didn't overwhelm me. In fact I find your will and strength to keep going amazing. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I would be lying if I said I promise that I'll call the hotline, because I'm still not so sure, but what I can promise is that I really will think about it. Thanks for everything again.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I don't think I can quite bring myself to tell my family everything. Or even anyone else (including a doctor) in the flesh. It's just something I find to difficult to open up about. I've been contemplating a suicide hotline, however. I think perhaps I could start there. I was at the doc's place a couple of weeks back and I did feel a slight urge to tell him but I just couldn't.

 

Do you know why you couldn't? Can you articulate why you can't, what the fear is?

The hotline will help, please DO call them.

[narco]

Therapy was the best choices I ever made. The first time I went the therapist asked me one question and I just started crying. Why not at least try seeing a therapist? I couldn't hurt anything.

 

It all comes down to me finding it difficult to speak to someone in person. Ever since I turned 18, I became a distant, closed off kind of person. And what makes it harder for me to sit down and talk to someone face to face is the nature of what is troubling me.

[Moontiger]

It all comes down to me finding it difficult to speak to someone in person. Ever since I turned 18, I became a distant, closed off kind of person. And what makes it harder for me to sit down and talk to someone face to face is the nature of what is troubling me.

 

I can't say I have ever been in your situation, what I can say is most therapist can and will work with you no matter if you are an open person or not. All you really have to do is be honest from the start, "I have a very difficult time talking to people." The therapist then has a starting place to work from. You can also try emailing them when you set up the first appointment explaining this. I used this website: link removed

[narco]

One of the things that's exacerbating the way I feel is the self-loathing that's coming from knowing what an impact my suicide would have on my family. Growing up my life wasn't easy as there were a lot of family problems, but what all that adversity did was bring me and my two brothers and sister close. I know it would destroy them, and I feel loathe myself for it but I just can't help feeling the way I do. i will think about the hotline, as I don't think I'm quite ready to tell someone about how I'm feeling face to face. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[narco]

Do you know why you couldn't? Can you articulate why you can't, what the fear is?

The hotline will help, please DO call them.

 

My fear is that they will be ashamed of me.

[narco]

I can't say I have ever been in your situation, what I can say is most therapist can and will work with you no matter if you are an open person or not. All you really have to do is be honest from the start, "I have a very difficult time talking to people." The therapist then has a starting place to work from. You can also try emailing them when you set up the first appointment explaining this. I used this website: link removed

 

Thanks for the link. However I'm in the United Kingdom and I don't think that list covers docs outside Canada and the U.S. How was therapy for you on the whole?

[Elektra22]

@ Elektra - You didn't overwhelm me. In fact I find your will and strength to keep going amazing. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I would be lying if I said I promise that I'll call the hotline, because I'm still not so sure, but what I can promise is that I really will think about it. Thanks for everything again.

Thank you and you are welcome also. Your word is more than good enough for me. I feel that you are one of those people that have a light that shines and resonates throughout them- and while yours might be dimmed right now, it is too brilliant to ever be extinguished. I will pray for you... it is scary to admit that you need help, but that's what hotlines are there for- if you don't want to go to your family doctor you could find one that is anonymous also- just an idea. I find your fortitude in coming here terrific and I am rooting for you all the way.

[Moontiger]

Thanks for the link. However I'm in the United Kingdom and I don't think that list covers docs outside Canada and the U.S. How was therapy for you on the whole?

 

I was unsure about it at first. I was also worried that when I would start talking about what was going on in my life that the therapist wouldn't think it was that bad or telling to get over it or something like that.

 

Turns out I needed A LOT of help with anxiety. When my therapist told me that she wanted to help me with that my first response was "I don't want to go on medication" she was fine with that and we spent each week going over different ways to help me manage my anxiety and talking about want made it worse etc.

 

I usually felt so good after my sessions I would buy myself an ice cream.

 

I'll try to find a website for the UK

[narco]

Thank you and you are welcome also. Your word is more than good enough for me. I feel that you are one of those people that have a light that shines and resonates throughout them- and while yours might be dimmed right now, it is too brilliant to ever be extinguished. I will pray for you... it is scary to admit that you need help, but that's what hotlines are there for- if you don't want to go to your family doctor you could find one that is anonymous also- just an idea. I find your fortitude in coming here terrific and I am rooting for you all the way.

 

Thank you for your kind words. You greatly overestimate me I'm nothing special, but thank you. You've made me smile actually. Regarding the doctor - say hypothetically, if I spoke to him, he would give me a referral, right, since he's a GP? You're right - it is scary to admit you need help. Much more than I thought it would be. In my situation, it kind of makes me confront a reality which has made me miserable but I've always ignored. Also I appreciate you keeping me in your prayers. Thanks yet again (I say thanks a lot - people remark on that

[narco]

I was unsure about it at first. I was also worried that when I would start talking about what was going on in my life that the therapist wouldn't think it was that bad or telling to get over it or something like that.

 

Turns out I needed A LOT of help with anxiety. When my therapist told me that she wanted to help me with that my first response was "I don't want to go on medication" she was fine with that and we spent each week going over different ways to help me manage my anxiety and talking about want made it worse etc.

 

I usually felt so good after my sessions I would buy myself an ice cream.

 

I'll try to find a website for the UK

 

Thanks for telling me something I know is very personal. It's good to hear that the therapist sessions greatly helped. I've also been feeling anxious lately - particularly when I go out. I feel like everyone is watching and judging me. And thanks for looking for some websites for me.

[Looptd]

Take small steps. Say what you can, whether it be family, friends of the hotline. You've already taken the first step. It's tough especially for people who aren't natuarlly open people. But the important thing is to realize where you are. Seek help in what every way you can. Chat, phone, stangers, or friends. It will help organize your thoughts and help you to then talk to someone else.

[Moontiger]

Thanks for telling me something I know is very personal. It's good to hear that the therapist sessions greatly helped. I've also been feeling anxious lately - particularly when I go out. I feel like everyone is watching and judging me. And thanks for looking for some websites for me.

 

I learned so many ways to manage anxiety from her. Things I am able to carry with me for day to day life, even thing that were specific to people in my life that cause me stress. The key is to just be honest but also know that at certain times its your therapist job to push in towards something that might be scary for you.

[Elektra22]

Thank you for your kind words. You greatly overestimate me I'm nothing special, but thank you. You've made me smile actually. Regarding the doctor - say hypothetically, if I spoke to him, he would give me a referral, right, since he's a GP? You're right - it is scary to admit you need help. Much more than I thought it would be. In my situation, it kind of makes me confront a reality which has made me miserable but I've always ignored. Also I appreciate you keeping me in your prayers. Thanks yet again (I say thanks a lot - people remark on that

 

You are most welcome Narco and right back at you! I don't for one minute believe you are nothing special, so you can hush on that one I'll have none of that. You've made me smile too so now we are even Yes your GP would give you a referral most likely to a psychiatrist that's what mine did. From there you start off with therapy and a regimine of medication if your specialist deems it so. I was kind of mortified at first too, but then I realized that nothing fazes these doctors, they have seen and heard it all, they don't judge you and the reason they went into medicine in the first place was to help you. I say thanks, sorry and the word like all the time too. I think that good manners are vastly under utilized these days so I appreciate the wonderful ones you have. My doctor really put me at ease and it turned out I was worried for nothing it's kind of like talking to a really intelligent, non judgemental, caring friend almost. It was such an immense help to unburden all of my problems in a safe environment to someone I didn't know who was there specifically to aid me.

[narco]

Take small steps. Say what you can, whether it be family, friends of the hotline. You've already taken the first step. It's tough especially for people who aren't natuarlly open people. But the important thing is to realize where you are. Seek help in what every way you can. Chat, phone, stangers, or friends. It will help organize your thoughts and help you to then talk to someone else.

 

Yes, I think starting small is perhaps the way. Sometimes I think I get too far ahead in my thoughts when I think about everything and I guess that adds to the stress I feel.