Much needed advice and support.

[pumpkinmoon]

I posted a thread yesterday stating that doctors had found a tumor in my mother's hip bone. And also a thread about my bf moving into a flat with a friend, which I wasn't too pleased about at the time, but in light of recent events, that pales in significance now, he could move onto the moon for all I care.

 

They haven't found out what it is yet but I think they have a good idea about it, they are throwing around terms like hip replacement and radiotherapy. I am terrified and a complete mess. I can't eat or sleep. I feel guilty about everything. For even daring to cry knowing what must be going through my mother's mind right now. I feel guilty for not crying because if I try to stop myself it feels like I don't care enough.

 

 

At first I didn't tell my boyfriend what was going on. We were in a weird place for a few days, him moody, me moody because he was. But things seemed ok. I told him the news as I couldn't keep it in any longer. At first I said she was having an MRI scan to which he said not much other than I am sure they won't find anything and then I told him what they had found. I didn't really even complete the story as he seems as disinterested as he could be.

 

Instead of offering an ear, lending support, all he has piped on about today is how I don't show him enough affection. How it's always him who initiates and I seem to pull away. How I didn't hug him properly because his dad was in the kitchen Saturday night and I felt awkward. I've explained to him why this is. He would answer but not really acknowledge what I was saying and just kept going over the same things. He told me he was planning on working all weekend, which I am sure is an excuse because he never does and even when he has worked he has still wanted to see me. So I said shall I not see you this weekend then? And in reply he said that he wants to be left alone. Ok, bit out of the blue there. I then had had enough by this point. I thought if he cannot offer any support or words after what I had told him that he would never be able to with anything. I said ok and to let me know when it was convenient to exchange our things, and the sooner the better if he doesn't mind. I also asked him if he was even willing to talk in person about this and told him I was willing to if he was. Then again he kept going over the same stuff. I told him that I think a big problem is that we don't communicate enough. I also mentioned to him previously that he should have talked to me about this sooner if he had an issue with anything.

 

Again the same old thing, so I told him that I am sure it could be fixed and was willing to try if he was. Since then NOTHING and I know he has read the message. That was at 3:41pm, it is now 7:25pm.

 

I am lost. I am shocked at this and how he has offered nothing, I would think that any decent person would put these issues on the back burner for a while and be supportive. I just cannot believe it all and am so shocked that he doesn't seem to care in the slightest. I know if it were the other way around, I would be there for him, as I would anyone. I would ask if he wanted to talk about it, offer to see him, offer my services for anything that I could possibly do. What do I get? "I want to be left alone." I don't expect the earth. I don't expect him to drop everything to come to see me or talk to me all the time. All I expected was for him to care.

 

My main concern is my mother. All of this was going on when I was visiting her this afternoon, and I was trying to hold it together and be strong in front of her. I can do without this hassle on top of everything else.

 

What do I do?

[SpottiOtti]

It sounds like if you want a partner who will put aside his own concerns and support you when you need it, this is not that guy. I think you have seen something very telling about him, and you should not put aside what you've seen. It is a gift that you have seen it; treat it as such.

 

I am sorry about your mother and I hope she has a speedy recovery. I know it is hard not to worry and be anxious, but try not to jump to conclusions or infer things that aren't certain, about what the doctors found. It's okay to be scared and worried, but try not to add to it with worry about things that haven't been said or found yet. Is there anyone you can talk to other than your boyfriend about this?

 

Big hugs from me. You hang in there, okay?

[lostnscared]

It sounds like if you want a partner who will put aside his own concerns and support you when you need it, this is not that guy. I think you have seen something very telling about him, and you should not put aside what you've seen. It is a gift that you have seen it; treat it as such.

 

I am sorry about your mother and I hope she has a speedy recovery. I know it is hard not to worry and be anxious, but try not to jump to conclusions or infer things that aren't certain, about what the doctors found. It's okay to be scared and worried, but try not to add to it with worry about things that haven't been said or found yet. Is there anyone you can talk to other than your boyfriend about this?

 

Big hugs from me. You hang in there, okay?

 

I agree. This is good advice. When my mom passed, my "ex", who at the time was trying to get back with me, could not put his feelings "aside" and just be there are a support system(thus showing me why I should let him back in my life) instead he was selfish at times, mean, and he stressed me out. I realized that when the chips are down I want someone who can be sympathetic and loving and offer me a shoulder to cry on, not someone who is selfish and angry with me because I'm withdrawn(I mean HELLO I'm going through personal trauma).

 

When these types of situations happen and really lets us know who we can really count on and who we can but don't want to. I'd say your bf is probably the latter--he doesn't sound emotionally reliable.

[pumpkinmoon]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, this has really shocked me. He's not even asked how I am or how my mother is. Nothing. He has still not answered my last message from earlier. I am in two minds whether to just say that I will take his lack of response as a no and to please give me a date to collect my things. I just don't know whether to wait or end it myself now. As it's not just the lack of caring now, it's also the reluctance to even be decent enough to give me an answer, probably because he just can't be bothered. Also if we stayed together, how would I ever forgive him for all of this?

[ThatwasThen]

I'd forget about him if I were you. It's obvious that he's not who you want him to be so why flog a dead horse. I think your mother is going to need you now and perhaps the busy work you're going to be doing to get her to and from her appointments and visiting her in the hospital will take your mind off your disappointment in discovering that your bf isn't who you thought he was and can't give you what you need.

 

Mom needs you right now, make that you're priority and your care of her will help you forget him. Pack his stuff up and tell him it's on the porch (or wherever you put it out for him) when he wants to pick it up and to please drop your things off at the same time. Then forget about that for now.

 

FWIW.. my best wishes for your mother's full recovery.

[pumpkinmoon]

Thank you. He's definitely not my main concern right now, not even close. I care about it but in another way, compared to this I don't if that makes sense. There is no way that I will not be there for my mother.

 

Just the fact that I can really do without it. I was unsure whether I was overreacting but doesn't seem I am.