Alittlelost95 Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 Hi everyone, I'm kind of new to this thread but it's gotten to last resort, I can't stand it any more. Here's the little back-story: A girl and I met in primary school and she moved away when we were both in separate secondary schools, we were both really close and decided to stay in contact. A few years later when we were both around 14 we decided to date (long distant) but obviously at that age it was difficult to meet up since she lived 150 miles away. She ended up breaking up with me at that time with some lie about there being other guys that were more interested (The real truth is her parents wanted her to break it up with me - They didn't like the idea of her dating someone over the internet at that age - Just so you guys know, I know this is the truth and she wasn't looking for other guys). So anywho, at that time I never knew it was a lie and was completely devastated and told her not to talk to me ever again but after two years we gradually started talking again (at the age of around 16) every now and then casually and after another year we started getting really close again and I agreed to meet up with her (as she offered and we were both able to now) We met up and it was amazing, we hugged and kissed and from that point on we started dating again. Whilst dating we told each other everything that had happened since we broke up and I hadn't been with any other girls in that time because I really did love her whereas she had been out with five guys and slept with them. I'm making it sound really bad I guess and if I read this post I'd think this girl didn't love this guy but she really does, I know that now. She's been around my house and I've been around hers, we've met each others family and had sex several times now but for some reason I keep thinking about these other guys she has been with, constant thoughts like, Did she have sex like this with them others guys? Was it this passionate with them? But despite her telling me it meant nothing with them and it hurt with them and she was only with them for the closeness I can't let it go even believing what she tells me. I just feel like I'm nothing special because she's done these things with other guys already I think to myself, most girls my age (18) have already slept with other guys anyway but it's just her, I loved her and I still love her, I just feel it's different with her... Any advice on what my problem is or how I can actually let this go? Link to comment
hers Posted March 4, 2013 Share Posted March 4, 2013 Part of being in a mature, adult, sexual relationship is to accept that everyone has some sort of past. Everyone. You have some sort of past too, even if its not similar in sexual relationships. If you want to be a mature adult having sex, then you have to accept that having a past is part of being human. If you can't accept that, then you're too young for sex Link to comment
Alittlelost95 Posted March 4, 2013 Author Share Posted March 4, 2013 I love that advice, I don't even know why it affects me. She has done nothing wrong, at all. Link to comment
hers Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 You may need to just take some time and grow up a little. There's no rush for anything! Link to comment
Alittlelost95 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 I know I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me. Taking some time would only make things worse It's just something I have to get over Link to comment
wilyone 11 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I think what you're going through is pretty common for guys. This is why women are taught to lie about the number of men they've been with. Intellectually you can handle it but it's almost an instinctive, emotional repulsion of some sort when a lot of other men have been with your woman. Perhaps it's an evolutionary adaptation, so you don't get attached to a woman who may bear children who are not your own. I'm a woman and don't know what the answer is, but perhaps just realizing that what you're feeling is common will make it easier to deal with. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 No, I don't think every girl at 18 has slept with several guys already. At 18, it's not something you need to simply accept and "grow up". You should find a girlfriend and one who hasn't slept with 5 guys. I'm a woman. I'm not saying she is a bad person. But she is someone who is going to break your heart because how she thinks and how you think, is very different. Sex isn't special to her. It just isn't. Call me old fashioned. I don't care. There's nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. You should listen to them. She's not the girl for you. You don't have to get over this, you have to get over her. Link to comment
hers Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 No, I don't think every girl at 18 has slept with several guys already. At 18, it's not something you need to simply accept and "grow up". You should find a girlfriend and one who hasn't slept with 5 guys. I'm a woman. I'm not saying she is a bad person. But she is someone who is going to break your heart because how she thinks and how you think, is very different. Sex isn't special to her. It just isn't. Call me old fashioned. I don't care. There's nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with your feelings. You should listen to them. She's not the girl for you. You don't have to get over this, you have to get over her. I both agree and disagree. By the time I was 18, I'd been with 10 guys. Ten. I kept count like it was a list of accomplishments. At 30 with the great gift of hindsight, I realize now I had no maturity about sex. I was practically a baby having sex. I'd gotten started at 14. Way too young. So I can't help feeling protective of kids this age having sex. Now, having had 10 partners by 18, I didn't so it bc I didn't have morals or bc I was skanky. I just did it. I thought I was grown up and "really mature for my age", like almost every 16, 17, 18 year old thinks. So I wasn't dirty or anything. But I do agree that sex isn't necessarily special. I do attribute the intimacy issues I have now to the fact that I got started too young and sex lost its luster to me. Now, having sex within a relationship (I'm now married) is difficult and sometimes burdensome for me, yet when I was single and unattached, one night stands were easy bc they required little. Emotionless sex was better than emotionful sex. Even now I'm reeling from that. I'm not saying that this will happen to her in 12 years. However I do think that sex isn't completely full of emotion for her, though she may have some self esteem issues or some sort of pain she hasn't confronted yet and is using sex as a means to cope. In this case, I do think you're setting yourself up to deal with things more powerful than you're able to handle at the young age of 18. Don't grow up so fast. Please. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Yeah hers, I would never use words like skanky or immoral for what I consider to be a kid - this girl up until this point, you in your past - having sex. My main point was that I don't think a girl coming from that world is going to be able to give OP what he is looking for. I think she'll break his heart, and not because she intends to, but because of where she is coming from and where he is coming from. And I think when kids have sex, and lots of it, early, it does change them. OP is probably already super attached because he stated he has had sex with her now. And this is when this starts to be a problem for him. Because he is in attached first love place and she is in a kid having fun and sex is fun place. Sex with guys I like is fun. And I really think that it is all it is to her. Of course I don't know these people but based on what I do know of people, I feel pretty damn confident in saying this. Kids who have sex early are pretty damn predictable in their behaviors. Link to comment
hers Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Kids who have sex early are pretty damn predictable in their behaviors. Ain't that the truth. Link to comment
Alittlelost95 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 It's pretty damn hard to sum up all your whole relationship and emotions in a thread and from what you have read I can see why you would assume that she'll break my heart. I trust her, I know she loves me, She hates herself for being with those guys, she really does. I love her and she loves me back and we regularly talk about our future together. It's funny, she has never broken a promise and she promised she would never leave me, whether I'm a fool to believe it or not, I trust her. It's not really a matter of whether she's going to leave me (again), I just want to be able to get this psychological problem out of my mind. We've had sex and it isn't just emotionless to her, in fact it's the first time for her where she hasn't had pain whilst having sex and has actually been "emotionful". I'm willing to handle anything, I just want to be with her it just...for some reason bothers me. Link to comment
Alittlelost95 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 Perhaps it's an evolutionary adaptation, so you don't get attached to a woman who may bear children who are not your own. What do you mean by this? Link to comment
hers Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 She doesn't need to hate herself. That's pointless. She has to accept her past as much as you do and make sure it's out of her system if she's gonna be in a committed relationship. Link to comment
stazzel Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 As long as she loves you now,that is all that matters.I had sex with one guy before i started dating my current boyfriend.Looking back,i really regret it and don't even value what we had.I don't even think about it.I met my boyfriend when he was a virgin and i wish i was the same way.My boyfriend once told me he wishes i hadn't had sex before but he later accepted it and he says he doesn't care about my past any more.I feel really bad sometimes and i wish i hadn't shared some details about my earlier sex life when we met.Because it doesn't mean anything to me,and my current boyfriend is the best i ever had. Maybe your girlfriend is hurting too like i am .What you should do is accept it and build on your relationship.She probably loves you so much and wouldn't want to loose you over some wrongs she did in the past. Link to comment
Alittlelost95 Posted March 5, 2013 Author Share Posted March 5, 2013 This is precisely the case, she feels the same way you do and I'm currently in your boyfriends old situation. It's true, as long as she loves me now is all that matters but the fact when we split up due to distance and she dated these guys and had sex with them, somehow makes me feel insignificant Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Yeah hers, I would never use words like skanky or immoral for what I consider to be a kid - this girl up until this point, you in your past - having sex. Why not? I had students that fit this description when I was teaching. Just because you're not an adult doesn't mean you can't be skanky or immoral. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Why not? I had students that fit this description when I was teaching. Just because you're not an adult doesn't mean you can't be skanky or immoral. Because I'd rather not use those words. That puts a label and a judgment on a kid, when they still are learning what it is to be a person, and that would only add a new weight of shame and guilt on them. Only makes it harder for them to make sense of things. I don't think that behavior is good for them, but I wouldn't want to make things worse for them either. I'd hope that I could somehow help them, if they ever wanted it. And I basically think a kid like that needs some help. Something isn't right that they are doing that. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Here's what I learned: Don't ask about past sexual partners, don't talk about yours. It saves a lot of problems later. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 Sometimes labels are important in order to get someone to want to change their behaviors. Just because someone is a kid doesn't mean they are exempt from tough love. I spend over a decade trying to teach in a system that coddles kids for their bad behavior. I eventually was pushed out because I was tough on my kids. However, when I was being harassed by the district for caring about my kids, guess who came to my defense? Those very kids I was tough on for years. You make things worse when you don't tell them as it is. Sugarcoating horrible behavior only encourages the horrible behavior. Because I'd rather not use those words. That puts a label and a judgment on a kid, when they still are learning what it is to be a person, and that would only add a new weight of shame and guilt on them. Only makes it harder for them to make sense of things. I don't think that behavior is good for them, but I wouldn't want to make things worse for them either. I'd hope that I could somehow help them, if they ever wanted it. And I basically think a kid like that needs some help. Something isn't right that they are doing that. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 5, 2013 Share Posted March 5, 2013 I'm not going to get into this further. Because I think we will only misunderstand each other and get nowhere. However, I find it funny you say that....you have no idea how often in my line of work I've been on the carpet for being a little too tough in a very liberalized time. lol. Still, I wouldn't use words like skanky or immoral to try and help someone. Link to comment
SometimesShy Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 How can I forget her past ...Because if you don't get over this, she will find somebody new and you will become part of her past. All that matters now is how she treats you and how you treat her. Your relationship is new and unique, so focus on your current life together and stop worrying about things that you can't change. Link to comment
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