Love Lost--Don't know how to deal with it

[BehindBrownEyes]

Any advice that anyone can give is much appreciated. I am so very confused right now and nothing seems to make this feeling go away.

I was with my ex for about 3 1/2 years. He broke up with me once after a year or so together, didn't talk for a couple months and then we got back together before both of us started school on opposite sides of the country. I even flew cross country twice to see him. This year for school we were much closer together, and I thought things were going to be great. We spent our summer together and it was amazing, especially after spending the school year thousands of miles away. When school started, things got harder. He wasn't happy in his new place. I told him that things would get easier...I went to visit him, hundreds of miles away several times...even surprising him once. He always said the nicest things to me...he loved me so much, and I fell more in love with him every day. Even after being together so long, he was everything to me. Then about two weekends ago, we spent the weekend together at home. We argued a little, but in the end he still was the same loving boyfriend. He made comments about about he was the luckiest guy. He said he loved me. We left to go back to our respective homes, and I thought things were fine. Somehow, on the phone early the next week he blurted out that he wanted to take a break...I was in complete shock. In the previous weeks we talked about taking a break, but things were going well so that wasn't even on my mind. I didn't know what to think. The next day I asked him what a break was, what do I do? He said treat it as if we are not together....and from that we were broken up. I went a week without contact and I thought things were getting a little easier. He wrote me an email that was so impersonal...it was just a short note. Right now I am taking care of his two ferrets and it always seems to be whats most on his mind...or at least that is his excuse for contacting me is..."How are the ferrets?" I was so mad that he acted in the email like he didn't know me...he signed it sincerely and all he asked about me was how I was holding up. So I didn't write him back, and was proud of myself for holding up the NC.

Then, just last night none of my roommates were home and I suddenly broke down unexpectantly and cried and cried. I just sat on the edge of my bed. Then I heard someone sign online...so I looked and it was him. He is rarely online...so I thought it was strange, and I talked to him although I knew I shouldn't have. The first thing he asked "How are the ferrets?"!! He ended up making me feel worse. I also noticed, when he first signed on his screen name said something about 'what was I thinking when I let you go". Is this false hope? He changed it before he started talking to me. Then, when we talked I felt as if he was putting on a front of being happy and he was so right in his decision.

I feel that any progress I have made in the past week has been erased. He told me that we would talk closer to Thanksgiving...because of the ferrets I am pretty much going to have to see him or at least talk to him. Mostly....I am just completely hurt, confused, and angry. I don't understand how someone can love someone and tell them nice things and have plans with someone then throw them aside and not speak to them...and be okay with it. Even in the weeks before he broke up with me we would talk about plans that we had together for when we were done with school. It seems like it came from no where.

Now he says that he is happy without me...I don't know how he can say that. I always did everything I could to make him happy. In the past, he has had issues trusting me...and we both agreed that there was always a little part of him that I could never reach. Me, on the other hand, trusted him completely. I gave myself to him entirely. He was always the one afraid of getting hurt, yet somehow has always been the one to hurt me. I told him that he has that part of himself now, untouched by me. I would imagine that would make things easier. I feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do. In a way, I am looking forward to being able to do things entirely for myself. To travel, and not worry about him getting mad at me when things in his life are rough. It just isn't fair.

I am also scared. I can't imagine myself ever being as close to anyone the way we were. It was our first love. I can't imagine anyone ever amazing me the way he would or saying such sweet words to me. I don't know how to let go. I just think of all the plans we had together...how I always envisioned my future with him.

I think no contact is what would really help, but I have to see or at least make arrangements with him in a couple weeks. Anything anyone can off to me would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[capgurl21]

I am going through the same thing right now...almost exactly!!!! We really should talk!!!! It is so weird!!! Do you have an IM screename? Wow I just can't believe how similar our situations are!!!!! You can IM me if you do at MauiMeg18.

[Cecil de Volange]

honestly, let him go. If you contacted him, you would just give him a sign that he has control of you and that your a very vulnerable person to him. Let him go. Show him that your worth it by moving on and by just being plain happy . I was in your situation before, and I know its hard letting go of your first love, but his not worth your time. "Its better to be love by someone rather than not being love at all." also don't give yourself to the person, every guy would just manipulate your kindness. Good luck. Keep te NC going.

[BehindBrownEyes]

Thanks for the advice. I know it's time to let go...I do. It just seems like so much time and effort was for nothing. And the control thing...it seems that he was always the one to be angry about something. I never got mad at him for things he did...I just went with it. I don't know why...but I just loved him and wanted him to be happy. He was always the one to break my heart. I never intended on giving him control. I don't know why it always worked that way.

[DBL]

Don't look at it as you wasted your time. Look at it as a learning instrument. Even though saw a good relationship and what you put into it, being on your own you will start to see where things weren't so good, and what things you didn't want in that relationship...so when you go into a new relationship you will have an idea of what you want and don't want.

 

You will find somebody else and you will be close if not closer to somebody else then you were with him. I felt the same way...that I would never meet somebody that I can be as close to as the last I dated, but I do.

 

Good Luck.

DBL

[BehindBrownEyes]

I guess I am just to close right now to see the beneficial side to this. Also, reading some of the other posts make me feel like the break up could have been worse...He could have been worse to me. Yet, I see no reason why he had to leave someone that loved him so much. I know that it will take a long time to get over this, with it being my first serious relationship, but then I wonder if I will ever get over him. If I am not angry with him I can't see myself being able to think of him as not mine. It hurts too much.

[icedglitter]

I know exactly how you feel and am going thru kinda the same thing.. he broke it off 'nicely', yet still to this say (about 2 months later) i cannot understand why or how he could let go of someone that loved him unconditionally, and i know he cares for me that way too, perhaps not to the same extent however. i guess i like to put it down to it being my first serious relationship too, i wonder if im ever going to fall inlove with someone so deeply ever again.. and if i do, will it be reciprocated? all i want is to get over him and be emotionally self sufficient.. i guess time will do its job and heal all, but im getting rather impatient!! love sux. in particular first love.. someone that ive shared everything with for the first time, given so much of yourself to someone only to have it taken away, you just feel so ripped off.

[DBL]

It does not matter how much you love somebody...that doesn't mean they feel the same way. You may not understand this now. I been on both sides or a break up. Even though the girl loved me and worshipped me...I just didn't feel the same...you can't make anyone love you. We don't evaluate the situation and say "but she loves me so much", when they don't love you in the same manner.

 

Anyway...you will find someone else and you will fall deeply in love with another. Whether he gives it back the same...who knows.

 

DBL