He Doesn't Want To Hurt Me

[Bronze Goddess]

My bf and I had been together 3 months and last week things got rocky for the first time. I couldn't see him for a full 7 days, and we had a few small arguments. One because he kept telling me he expected me to go psycho like his ex, the other was when I was telling him how I loved him he brought up one of my exes.

 

All last week we were looking forward to me coming over on Sunday (yesterday) to make him dinner and spend some time finally. He had been asking me to attend this nasty ghetto party with him, but I declined because I'm working on my first master's degree and had a ton of homework. Plus the trashy ghetto scene is not me.

 

He always calls me when he leaves his crazy ghetto parties, and most of the time he's driving home drunk. This time he told me he planned on getting really drunk, and since it was Saturday night for me to wait before coming over on Sunday. He lives a town away from the place he parties and was gonna crash with his aunt if he was too drunk.

 

So Sunday comes around and I don't hear from him until 3:00 pm. He calls me sounding like hell, talking about he just woke up and feels awful. He said he was sorry, and knew he messed up. He kept on repeating that he messed up and was sorry. I said nothing and told him I'd let him sober up. This really hurt me cause he told me he loved me and all of his chasing after me had made me fall for him as well. The thing is that he gets wasted every weekend and hangs out with criminal ghetto guys in trashy places. I'm a bookworm and I'm going for my Ph D. I stay home and study every weekend while he's out wrecking cars drinking and driving.

 

He's really sweet otherwise but the partying is something I def don't like. He also has ghetto expectations of me and thinks I'm gonna go crazy one day and attack him. A few weeks ago he told me he wanted to take a step back cause we rushed into a relationship, I told him okay. The next day he changed his mind and said never mind. I've always been a bit scared of him, feeling he'd hurt me and have been reluctant to visit or stay the night at his house.

 

So today I told him I was confused by his behavior and if he'd like me to stop contacting him to let me know. He said he does not want to end contact, but he doesn't think he can be the man I want him to be. I thanked him for his honesty and told him I admired his character for the fact he was so true then wished him well. He wrote me back saying he had not lost interest, but thinks we moved too fast. I told him I had not lost interest either but now I was back to being afraid of him and that he'd hurt me. He told me that's what he didn't want to do. I thanked him.

 

I'm not sure what happened or what he means. Someone please help me figure this out.

[Edmund Exley]

He isnt the man you need him to be or one that suits your lifestyle. I would start to move on from this type of person, they have a way of tending to eventually drop you down to their level.

[shessofly]

it seems the two of you are really not compatible. it sounds like a break up to me with him saying he didn't want to hurt you and not being able to be the man you want him to be. maybe you should seek clarification for your own peace of mind. i do realize you are hurting, but it seems like the two of you just aren't a good fit. sorry.

[Heather Dawn]

Why is a PhD candidate dating a habitually hard drinking, drunk driving, car-wrecking partier who - quite frankly - sounds like an ENORMOUS loser and a total mess??

[brittney87]

It sounds like the two of you are on completely different pages and headed in two different directions in life. I only see two outcomes of this relationship, and both end with him dragging you down. Concentrate on your school work, there is plenty of time to have a boyfriend - one who respects your decisions not to party, one who respects your time and doesn't make you sit around waiting for him. On a side note, drinking and driving is not only irresponsible but it is selfish and illegal. If you are aware that he is drinking and driving - and by this I don't mean that hes done it before or he will do it again. I mean if he calls you and tells you he's been drinking and that hes about to drive home, etc etc. you have a responsibility to report him to the police to protect the lives of others.

[Bronze Goddess]

it seems the two of you are really not compatible. it sounds like a break up to me with him saying he didn't want to hurt you and not being able to be the man you want him to be. maybe you should seek clarification for your own peace of mind. i do realize you are hurting, but it seems like the two of you just aren't a good fit. sorry.

 

He told me this isn't easy for him cause he does really love me. And he's asking me why I'm scared of him. He keeps texting and he's confusing me.

[Bronze Goddess]

Why is a PhD candidate dating a habitually hard drinking, drunk driving, car-wrecking partier who - quite frankly - sounds like an ENORMOUS loser and a total mess??

 

That's what my grandma said. I guess I was being dumb and let my emotions get the best of me.

[Bronze Goddess]

Why is a PhD candidate dating a habitually hard drinking, drunk driving, car-wrecking partier who - quite frankly - sounds like an ENORMOUS loser and a total mess??

 

It sounds like the two of you are on completely different pages and headed in two different directions in life. I only see two outcomes of this relationship, and both end with him dragging you down. Concentrate on your school work, there is plenty of time to have a boyfriend - one who respects your decisions not to party, one who respects your time and doesn't make you sit around waiting for him. On a side note, drinking and driving is not only irresponsible but it is selfish and illegal. If you are aware that he is drinking and driving - and by this I don't mean that hes done it before or he will do it again. I mean if he calls you and tells you he's been drinking and that hes about to drive home, etc etc. you have a responsibility to report him to the police to protect the lives of others.

 

You're right, I guess I was just thinking I could get him to enroll in undergrad and stop partying so much. Maybe even come with me to church. He said he wanted to be more than a HS grad and he hated hang overs and he wanted to go to church. Idk he's so confusing.

[metrogirl]

I think if he really loved you, he would want to spend a little more time with you and not so much time getting hammered and endangering the lives of others while driving intoxicated.

 

He could be as sweet as he wants to be but the bottom line is he makes very poor choices. The statement you made about being afraid of him also raised the hairs on my neck. You should NEVER fear the person you love.

[shessofly]

you won't change him bronze...you won't. don't even go there. you will drive yourself crazy trying. edmund is right, if you stay in this relationship too long you potentially end up hurting your own goals in life. you two are not on equal levels.

[Edmund Exley]

At 25 years old, if he isnt smart enough to stop partying with hard core gangster types in the ghetto then its pretty safe to assume he isnt capable of good decision making. Obviously thats the type of lifestyle he wants to lead. Dont expect a drastic change. What will you do when you have a PhD and attend functions? "Hi everyone one, Im Dr. Godess, this is my thug boyfriend" And then he gets "Really Drunk" and embarrasses you in front of collegues.

[lavenderdove]

>>but he doesn't think he can be the man I want him to be.

 

that is your problem. He LOVES his drinking/drugs/ghetto partying scene and doesn't really want to change. He hadn't seen you in a week, and he had the option of either a) skipping the ghetto scene/heavy drinking/drugging so that he would be in a fit shape to spend a nice Sunday with you or b) getting trashed and partying. He chose the latter. He even told you before he went he intended to get really drunk, so he made that choice when he was rational, and he chose the ghetto scene over you.

 

So i think he knows deep down he isn't compatible with you because what he really loves is the ghetto scene and he needs a ghetto girl to go along with him and that's not you and he knows it.

 

It is NOT a question of going 'too fast', it is a question of him wanting to go fast in a different direction than the one you want to go in! he wants to be a ghetto guy and that's that. He may be charming, handsome, whatever, but he's not interested in living a clean lifestyle with you and his priorities are WAY different than yours are. so it is just not a good match since a relationship lasting depends not just on emotions or attractions but on having common goals and interests, which you don't have.

 

So i'd just let him go. Quit responding to texts. Don't let him confuse you, there is nothing confusing here at all. He's ghetto and wants to stay that way, and you're not and very unlikely to lower yourself to that level so no point to this. The ONLY thing this guy has to offer you is his looks and charm but he's not offering anything else, and he's certainly let you know he is not going to quit his old lifestyle and start going to school and straighten himself up and leave the ghetto behind (at least not at this point in his life).

 

So what you could do is tell him you are willing to see him if he stops going to ghetto parties and stops drinking/drugging or anything associated with that. If he won't do that, then this is hopeless and it doesn't matter how many times he murmurs he loves you because the truth is he loves the ghetto lifestyle more and isn't willing to straighten up to both live a better life and live a life that is compatible with yours.

 

What he REALLY wants is for you to allow him to be ghetto while he drops in and out of your life when he's in the mood for it but otherwise be irresponsible and continue that drinking/ghetto scene. He's like a kid who can't choose between two cookies on the plate because he wants ALL the cookies. He needs to grow up and join the adult world, or waste his life on that ghetto scene, but don't let him drag you down or drag you into an enabling relationship where you let him use you when he's in the mood while you tolerate his bad behavior.

[Bronze Goddess]

Why is a PhD candidate dating a habitually hard drinking, drunk driving, car-wrecking partier who - quite frankly - sounds like an ENORMOUS loser and a total mess??

 

It sounds like the two of you are on completely different pages and headed in two different directions in life. I only see two outcomes of this relationship, and both end with him dragging you down. Concentrate on your school work, there is plenty of time to have a boyfriend - one who respects your decisions not to party, one who respects your time and doesn't make you sit around waiting for him. On a side note, drinking and driving is not only irresponsible but it is selfish and illegal. If you are aware that he is drinking and driving - and by this I don't mean that hes done it before or he will do it again. I mean if he calls you and tells you he's been drinking and that hes about to drive home, etc etc. you have a responsibility to report him to the police to protect the lives of others.

 

He isnt the man you need him to be or one that suits your lifestyle. I would start to move on from this type of person, they have a way of tending to eventually drop you down to their level.

 

it seems the two of you are really not compatible. it sounds like a break up to me with him saying he didn't want to hurt you and not being able to be the man you want him to be. maybe you should seek clarification for your own peace of mind. i do realize you are hurting, but it seems like the two of you just aren't a good fit. sorry.

 

At 25 years old, if he isnt smart enough to stop partying with hard core gangster types in the ghetto then its pretty safe to assume he isnt capable of good decision making. Obviously thats the type of lifestyle he wants to lead. Dont expect a drastic change. What will you do when you have a PhD and attend functions? "Hi everyone one, Im Dr. Godess, this is my thug boyfriend" And then he gets "Really Drunk" and embarrasses you in front of collegues.

 

>>but he doesn't think he can be the man I want him to be.

 

that is your problem. He LOVES his drinking/drugs/ghetto partying scene and doesn't really want to change. He hadn't seen you in a week, and he had the option of either a) skipping the ghetto scene/heavy drinking/drugging so that he would be in a fit shape to spend a nice Sunday with you or b) getting trashed and partying. He chose the latter. He even told you before he went he intended to get really drunk, so he made that choice when he was rational, and he chose the ghetto scene over you.

 

So i think he knows deep down he isn't compatible with you because what he really loves is the ghetto scene and he needs a ghetto girl to go along with him and that's not you and he knows it.

 

It is NOT a question of going 'too fast', it is a question of him wanting to go fast in a different direction than the one you want to go in! he wants to be a ghetto guy and that's that. He may be charming, handsome, whatever, but he's not interested in living a clean lifestyle with you and his priorities are WAY different than yours are. so it is just not a good match since a relationship lasting depends not just on emotions or attractions but on having common goals and interests, which you don't have.

 

So i'd just let him go. Quit responding to texts. Don't let him confuse you, there is nothing confusing here at all. He's ghetto and wants to stay that way, and you're not and very unlikely to lower yourself to that level so no point to this. The ONLY thing this guy has to offer you is his looks and charm but he's not offering anything else, and he's certainly let you know he is not going to quit his old lifestyle and start going to school and straighten himself up and leave the ghetto behind (at least not at this point in his life).

 

So what you could do is tell him you are willing to see him if he stops going to ghetto parties and stops drinking/drugging or anything associated with that. If he won't do that, then this is hopeless and it doesn't matter how many times he murmurs he loves you because the truth is he loves the ghetto lifestyle more and isn't willing to straighten up to both live a better life and live a life that is compatible with yours.

 

What he REALLY wants is for you to allow him to be ghetto while he drops in and out of your life when he's in the mood for it but otherwise be irresponsible and continue that drinking/ghetto scene. He's like a kid who can't choose between two cookies on the plate because he wants ALL the cookies. He needs to grow up and join the adult world, or waste his life on that ghetto scene, but don't let him drag you down or drag you into an enabling relationship where you let him use you when he's in the mood while you tolerate his bad behavior.

 

Thank you for your honesty, this is totally not what I want to hear but I know you're right. I've been doing nothing except crying these past few days and if he truly loved me more than the party scene I wouldn't be in this forum. Thank you guys soo much and I think I'm just letting this go.

[metrogirl]

Not to mention with these types of parties, comes the hood rat type of girl. I know plenty of people like your boyfriend, their environment and way of life and I know the types of girls that are frequently at these parties. The last thing you want to do is sleep with someone that has likely slept with and continues to sleep with those dirty girls.

 

The bottom line is you guys are two very different people that come from very different worlds. I don't see how it could possibly ever work out in your favor.