I hate how stupid I was/ I'm being...

[Staples 29]

Hi guys,

 

Just looking for ways to alleviate this feeling.

 

Basically my 'ex' I broke up in June last year because he didn't think he was ready for a relationship (even though he was the one pushing for it and I was holding back). Anyway...he came back about mid September saying he was sorry and regretted it everyday and knew now more than ever what he wanted. I never stopped loving him so I took him back and we tried to take it slowly. Then I found out he was still talking to some girl in a very inappropriate manner and we had a bust up about it like 1.5 months after we got back together. Admittedly I didn't approach it the right way - I don't think there is a right way but i basically laid into him and that was the end. After calming down I realised I may have been hasty and rash so I apologised and explained how I felt but he wasn't budging and didn't want to talk. Very soon after I found out I was right so I shouldn't have tried to fix it at all.

 

It was all for the best because we found out he was due to move to another city soon and I didn't think I could handle a distance relationship with HIM so we technically would have phased out our relationship though I would have tried.

 

It's been almost four months since then- I haven't contacted him once since the final time we emailed when he was supposed to return my things. I've been doing relatively ok - mostly fine and I have no urge to contact him neither do I want him back but I wish it all didn't happen.

 

I can't stop being angry at myself for being so naive and thinking he loved me. A part of me still does.

 

I also feel so stupid for wondering if he even misses me. He moved on so fast (I don't think in a relationship; but just casual sex) that it's hard to believe I ever meant anything to him. And it's fine but I just hate that I let someone like that into my life. I know it was taking a risk but it just hurts that he hurt me that way and didn't care - like what could I have done to him to treat me so poorly?

 

And I feel so stupid for feeling stupid about it now knowing all that I know about him. Sigh. So basically I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for getting into this mess (though I don't regret it because I was happy at the time with him).

 

I don't like this feeling one bit and I really am tired of randomly getting teary eyed over someone who doesn't deserve it

[ssgirl1010]

Staples,

 

I was and am still feeling the way you are feeling.

 

I felt so stupid for being so naive. I think this is also a phase after the BU.

 

I was and still am very critical of myself and what I did during the relationship and how I dealt with the BU.

 

You have to know that what you are feeling is normal. I think you are right when you say that he doesn't deserve you or your tears.

 

It's a very difficult feeling to deal with but you have to know that while it is good to get perspective on the relationship and try to learn from it and understand it, it is really not helpful for you to be so critical of yourself.

 

You were in love with a man who clearly did not love you back the way a man you are with should love you. You do not need to beat yourself up over this.

 

You need to forgive yourself and love yourself and then say "Self, I am going to now take care of you."

 

You are hurt. You have gone through a difficult BU. Your body and mind need to heal. You have done nothing wrong. You do not need to punish yourself.

[thevic]

ssgirl has said it all.

[Staples 29]

Thank you so much. That was really helpful.

 

It's just so hard to get my head around the fact that he wanted me to open up to him so much and 'be with me' and was 'crazy' about me only to hurt me and treat me as disposable.

 

I'm just going to keep taking it in my stride and hope it'll soon be a memory forgotten.

[ssgirl1010]

Yes, that is what makes it hurt the most. The fact that you were given to believe and understand that he wanted to be with you, that he was crazy about you, and that you were all he ever wanted. I felt the exact same way with my ex. And, then, when the "truth" was uncovered (by me) I was in shock and despair. Then comes confusion and the questioning of "what is wrong with me?"

 

Just know that what you are feeling is normal.

 

I have come to learn the hard way that while you may love someone and give yourself to them complete, and while you are honest and true and genuine with that person it does NOT mean that they are honest and true and genuine back. This has been the most difficult thing for me to deal with and to understand. But the fact of the matter is that it is just true. It hurts. How come the person that I loved and cared about so much could not be anything but genuine and honest and true with me?

 

So, please know this: what you are feeling is normal. It is part of the phases you will go through in dealing with this break-up. There is nothing wrong with you. You are human. You have emotions. Please be kind to yourself and be kind to your heart, body, and mind.

 

Continue to remain strong. Keep focussed on the future and moving forward. Think about all of the positive things in your life. Focus on that.

 

P.S. I am also going to take my own advice!!!