how much control do guys have over their sex drive?

[Ginger1]

I have been dating this guy for about 2 weeks. we have made out..well a lot. He is really really forward and definitely not shy. I on the other hand take a loong time to open up and be comfortable with someone.

 

I have told him that I want to take things slow. He is pretty respectful of that, but every time we are close he tries to take things one step up- I'm usually OK with a little bit, then I kind of push him back. I know he's pretty experienced with sex, while I on the other hand am not at all. He has asked me multiple times to spend the night and I have declined- but last night I said OK-but I didn't want sex, but I'd sleep with him.

 

Well....I guess that is kind of impossible for a guy and it got me wondering, how much control do guys actually have over their sex drive??

 

At least once, but I think twice during the night he would lay over me and within like 1 min he had an erection, his heart was beating out of his chest and his body was like a damn furnace. It was probably killing him that I didn't let him 'in' so to speak, but I knew I wasn't ready or relaxed enough for it. Then it took him, what seemed like ages to, to get rid of it. He was really funny and cute about the whole thing, not embarrassed at all, which was a relief. But he knows I don't want to have sex yet, can a guys mind even control sexual urges?

And on a related note, we were laying there together and he asked me how it was possible for me to just 'turn off' instantly as far as sex drive. I didn't say this, but I haven't really felt any strong sexual desire towards him, but I think women have an easier time controlling sex drive.

Opinions, thought?

 

I read this over and I make this guy out to sound like a sleez, but he really isn't at all!

[Not a rookie]

If you don't want to have sex with him yet, don't have him come over. What you did is like taking a kid to a candy store and not giving him any candy.

[Metazoa]

A lot of guys, me included, love being intimate with their women. Im completely upfront about this with chicks. If they aren't interested I either take it as them not fully trusting me yet and or them not really being that interested in me. I know not all women like being intimate, but it is something I require myself to be happy. Now, if you didn't want sex right away but were fine with other things I'd be cool with that. And I am patient to a point when a new relationship starts depending on the background. But at a certain point if it seems like it isn't going anywhere I'd back off and look elsewhere myself. So you should ask yourself, I think, is he worth it in your opinion and your just afraid / nervous (if so talk with him about it more) or do you think you wont be committed to a relationship down the line? If not then just tell him your not interested.

[nbr]

I have some measure of control, but it ain't easy

 

I recently was giving a close friend a relatively intimate massage. She is very attractive and I certainly had some urges down there, but was able to keep it down. That said, I'm ok without sex, but not without some physical intimacy. With my (soon to be ex) wife I was ok without sex, but when she started to even refuse to cuddle, that's when I started to feel deeply wounded, and started to move on.

 

If I was in the position of OP's BF, on top, but not in, yeah I'd get hard. I doubt that I could control that physical response, but in men there are two different parts to sex drive (at least for me). There is the physical response, and the emotional one. The physical one is just that, physical stimulus causes a physical reaction, much like how stimulation of a woman's breast (or cold, heh) can make the aureola crinkle up and the nipple harden. The emotional response is where the discipline and respect come from, that is while I may be physically stimulated, I will not act beyond my partners wishes and will avoid drawing attention to the physical state.

-nbr

[blacklantana]

He sounds horny, which is normal. But 'Not a rookie' is right... You can't let him sleep over and then give him nothing. You're being a tease! Did you at least do something else, other than sex? Or did he just sit there with an erection for 2 hours... lol

 

How openly have you talked to him about not being ready yet?

[MasterPo]

You are lucky you found a 'nice guy', sexual assaults happen in the fashion you just described. Not to get into it but if you aren't into a guy, leave him be. Like the others said, you just teased the hell out of him. Cruel and uncalled for, give him some or pack it up. Mean? No, just advice take it as you will.

[Ginger1]

I stayed over at his place, we went out for dinner before hand. This relationship started as just friends- but it was pretty obvious he wanted more. The more times I see him the closer I feel. For so many years I have prevented myself from feeling close to anyone due to a lot of moving around. But I'm trying to throw that out the window and give this a try.

And I wasn't laying in his bed like a doormat, lol we were definitely cuddling etc. so I hope it wasn't a total bust for him! He's naturally very physical and I tend to be reserved.

And yes we/I are very open about what we are comfortable with. Which is actually very refreshing!

[Batya33]

I always had sleepovers before I was ready to have sex - and made it clear what my boundaries were before we were in bed or naked. I think men have complete control over whether to have intercourse or not although some situations of course are more difficult than others but an adult male should communicate with you what his boundaries are - if he is ok sleeping in the same bed with you without having intercourse that's his choice and if he's not, he'll tell you.

[Tom1990]

Did you make it clear that sex wasn't on the menu, and it was just a snuggle night? It sounds like he was actually cool about it, from the way you describe it. As long as he's fine with your boundaries, don't worry about taking care of his urges.

 

Women's sexuality works differently than men's, and each person is different from the next. I wouldn't worry about "turning off" so quickly. I know lots of women who just lose the urge.

[Ginger1]

^Yeah pretty clear! I think he was fine with the whole thing, he kept saying he was really glad I stayed over.

For someone like me, I can't just go from nothing to sleeping with him and having sex. this was like the intermediate

But anyway, thanks for all the comments!I'm glad I'm not a guy walking around with one of those!!

[EssexMan]

At least once, but I think twice during the night he would lay over me and within like 1 min he had an erection, his heart was beating out of his chest and his body was like a damn furnace. It was probably killing him that I didn't let him 'in' so to speak, but I knew I wasn't ready or relaxed enough for it. Then it took him, what seemed like ages to, to get rid of it. He was really funny and cute about the whole thing, not embarrassed at all, which was a relief. But he knows I don't want to have sex yet, can a guys mind even control sexual urges?

 

Not really. I mean, he might be able to fight them off by thinking of something really physically off-putting, but would you actually want him to do that? Erections and the rest are pretty much involuntary.

 

However, he has absolute control over whether he uses it!

[regular joe]

I don't see anything wrong with what happened. He didn't try to "force" you to do anything you didn't want to. Take the "he had an erection, his heart was beating out of his chest and his body was like a damn furnace." as a compliment, He is into you. I think you would be more disappointed if things weren't happening wouldn't you?

[BlueEagle]

Every guy is different in terms of self-control. Especially if he's a young man the surge of hormones can be very overwhelming and it can be hard (no pun intended) to control. If he really likes you though and respects you he will wait until you are ready and willing to be sexual. If you're shy and haven't felt any strong sexual desire toward him, like you stated, then you should probably continue to work on getting to know him better (it's only been two weeks!) and see how comfortable and relaxed you feel around him. Once you feel safe and at ease with him it should come naturally and everything should fall into place. Take your time, there is no rush or time frame you need to follow; if he's worth it he'll respect your boundaries and comfort zone while you continue to date. On the other hand, if you see more and more of him and don't begin to feel that way then you may find that he's not the right guy for you, in a romantic sense.

[Blue Spiral]

I have close to zero control over my sex drive. It threatens to rule my life, and it's a nightmare to deal with.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

However, he has absolute control over whether he uses it!

 

Essexman, I am going to elaborate on what you just said because your statement will be my point.

 

The original poster asked about control over sex drive. Sex drive is hormonal. I see no possible way that a man could directly control his sex drive (by definition of the phrase).

 

However, the amount of control that a man has over his actions varies from person to person.

 

A man's sex drive matters relatively little when compared to that man's self-restraint.

 

The man depicted showed great self-restraint, but he clearly wanted to engage in sex. In this case, your were a tease.

 

Teases are not fun unless they lead somewhere. Also, in the future, be more communicative with the man that you are with. Let him know that you are not interested in sex before he even sees you.

[EssexMan]

The man depicted showed great self-restraint

 

Well, the typical self-restraint of the non-rapist community, yeah.

 

but he clearly wanted to engage in sex. In this case, your were a tease.

 

I'm not sure if you're saying the second statement follows from the first?

 

Re-reading the OP's post, I it's a very common situation. Girl wants to get a bit closer. Guy's body revs up for something more than "a bit" closer. Guy overrides instinct and doesn't act on it.

[Jennifer89]

He has enough control to not force you, but not enough to not fantasize about you. If your inviting him to sleep in your bed, he's going to hope for more. It is completely fair to have him over, but to have him sleep beside you is kinda a tease.

[EssexMan]

to have him sleep beside you is kinda a tease.

 

I think if it's made really clear in advance that it won't mean sex, that's okay. It's one of those situations where the ground rules need to be spelled out.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Well, the typical self-restraint of the non-rapist community, yeah.

 

Which, for various reasons, I would argue is the better community.

 

I'm not sure if you're saying the second statement follows from the first?

 

I am not sure why I used "but" in that sentence.

[meoww]

I'm a little confused about how the OP is a tease. Tons of people have sleep overs with the opposite sex without having sex. Even people who are just beginning to date do that. I was kind of freaked out that people would say something so openly misogynist on this board.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

I'm a little confused about how the OP is a tease. Tons of people have sleep overs with the opposite sex without having sex. Even people who are just beginning to date do that. I was kind of freaked out that people would say something so openly misogynist on this board.

 

It seems that the man partially expected sex. To a man who has the expectation of sex, a refusal is a tease.

[Jennifer89]

I think if it's made really clear in advance that it won't mean sex, that's okay. It's one of those situations where the ground rules need to be spelled out.

 

This is true and it was his decision to still go home with her anyway. However, if I was asked to go home with someone I was dating but he said just to sleep beside each other, a large part of me would really be hoping for more. Would it be fair to feel teased when he made his intentions clear? No. But I probably would anyway.

[EssexMan]

if I was asked to go home with someone I was dating but he said just to sleep beside each other, a large part of me would really be hoping for more. Would it be fair to feel teased when he made his intentions clear? No. But I probably would anyway.

 

To feel frustrated? Sure. But "teased", I think, requires intent - deliberately leading someone to expect something, then denying it to them.

 

Of course, a lot would depend on context - how the person said it, for example.

[Jennifer89]

Your right, frustrated is a better word. Unless she said it in a way that made me think she really wanted to have sex but not the pressure leading up to it.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Tease (verb): to tantalize especially by arousing desire or curiosity often without intending to satisfy it

 

It seems that the original poster did arouse desire on some level; nonetheless unintentionally. She certainly had no intention to satisfy the man's desires.

 

Also, the word tease seems to have such a negative connotation. Even if we call the original poster a tease, that does not make her a bad person because she meant no harm.

 

I think the only point to make here is that partners should define the terms before any situation that could lead to intimacy.

 

 

Finally, am I to assume that the initial question asked has been answered?