Should I bring it up? Also a question about the relationship

[ThomasP]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 3 months now. 2 days ago was actually the 3 month mark. Last Wednesday night I wrote her a card (we celebrated valentines early because I had to leave town for a few days for work) and mentioned for the first time that I love her. She smiled as she read the card, hugged and kissed me, and said goodnight. I texted her when I got home saying, "Hope you had fun tonight, goodnight, love you." She replied back, "This was honestly one of the best nights ever, I can't thank you enough! P.S: You have to say I love you to my face, not over a card love you too though!" Those were the texts verbatim. On Saturday I ran into her, treated her to lunch, shared a few laughs as usual. I had to get going because it was getting late, time flies I guess. I told her to her face this time, that I love her. She didn't reply back, I think she may have whispered something but I'm not sure. I didn't think much of it. Sunday we argued about something so I told her I would talk to her later. I felt she needed some time to cool off. Later that night I texted her to apologize, she said she was just stressed because of classes, internship, and her babysitting job; which I understand. She apologized and said she needs space. I told her that was fine by me. The next day we spent some time together, she was obviously stressed, tired, etc (I made sure not to make any plans, etc, so she would know that I'm giving her space). Again, as we parted I told her that I love her. Same reaction...nothing. I honestly don't expect her to say it back unless she means it, but the fact that she said it once, and won't say it again is bothering me. I did also text it to her, assuming that maybe she just has a hard time saying these things in person, which she told me she does. She still didn't say it over text.

Should I bring this up and ask her what's going on? Again I don't want her to say it unless she means it, but she already said it once.

The "space" this is also bothering me. I've never dated a girl whose tossed that word around like it's nothing. So far I've heard, "I need space from my dad...from my cousin...from my brother" and of course, from me.

In your guys' opinion, is she just really stressed/things will get better? Or is this relationship going downhill?

If it matters, we were friends for 3 years prior to being together. When the quarter started she met up with one of her guy friends who was somewhat flirty, but I haven't seen him since. She still introduces me to her friends as her boyfriend, and when she talks she mentions things in future tense (for example, "watch, a few months from now you're going to by my stress-relief toy hahaha").

[Edmund Exley]

Are you saying it just to hear her say it, sort of as validation? Maybe dont say it for a while and see what she does.

 

As for your question, we have no way to know if she is really stressed. If she is telling you she is, then assume that she is.

[willpower123]

For future reference, do not say "I love you" for the first time on a card, text, email etc..

 

I sense some neediness which is understandable given what happened. Do not bring this up again, just take a step back to bring balance to the relationship.

[LonelyGirl10]

Yeah, I would just stop saying it for awhile.

 

And generally, asking for space is a bad thing.

[CanadianQt]

In all honestly what I gather is that she doesnt know how to feel.. she is maybe confused about her feelings and that is where the "space" comes into play. You are up front about your feelings which is awsome.

Three months is pretty quick to say "I love you" so maybe she needs time.

I think if she is always throwing this needing space thing at you then prehaps she isnt ready for a relationship and has too many stresses in her life that she obviously has a hard time balancing it all.

 

Good for you for admitting your feelings and coming to the board for advice

[oldenoughtoknow]

I get the feeling that she liked hearing it the first time, but once it had a chance to sink in, it scared her for whatever reason. I agree you should back off using the word for a while and give her the space she wants. If she still refers to you as her BF and talks about future events with you, that's a good sign. Just step back and let her process whatever it is she needs to process. A slight taste of life without you is your best bet to get her to jump back on board.

[ThomasP]

Thanks everyone. I'll refrain from dropping the L word again.

This other guy has still got me worried though. When we go out, she seems really into me. She thanks me for a great night, laughs, etc.

But when we're not physically together (texting for example) she acts a bit different.

Could stress really cause a person to change this much?

I'm leaving town for a few days for work again (Tonight-Sunday morning) so we'll see how things go.

[SudoMB]

Hate to ask..but how old is she?

 

It seems the younger they are, the less certain they truly know what they want...other than affection (when they want it) and validation..

[ThomasP]

Hate to ask..but how old is she?

 

It seems the younger they are, the less certain they truly know what they want...other than affection (when they want it) and validation..

 

She's 20, I'm 21. I've always felt that she was a bit on the immature side and mainly cares about herself.

[SudoMB]

I sort of guessed as much, only because I've just been burnt by someone who's 20 as well. Same sort of actions as you've described.

 

Without making too many more assumptions, at 20,21 typically, most people don't have enough life experiences (heck some even into their 30s), to know what they truly want, and if something comes in hot an heavy, time away can scare them off, or give them too much time to seek validation from other sources.

 

The following is a broad generalization (which isn't smart, but is a personal opinion): Today's society seems to actively promote narcissism, it's part of the reason I'm not a supporter or Fasebook or Twitter, they seem to promote superficial relationships all about oneself. So it's not hard to see why you feel as well that she 'mainly cares about herself'.

 

At the same time, relationships are about two individuals getting together, and unless there a larger commitment (exclusive, engaged, marriage), we are free to do what we want. Ideally we'd want to keep the other person's feelings in consideration, but that comes more from personal upbringing and or experience.

[ThomasP]

That makes a lot of sense. She does seem a bit "all over the place" when it comes to how she feels. I guess the old saying is true, only time will tell.