Stressfull situation, kind word of advice needed Please.

[sweetpea2000]

Hi all,

Just wanted to share a bit of something that has been going on for me recently. I am seeing this very lovely guy, who treats me well and loves me very much. He is very insightfull and a bit insecure about a lot of things, including my past (Which by the way isn’t bad). I was hanging out with an old male friend before I met my current partner, his dad was very unwell nothing romantic, we did have very disastrous night one night where he couldn’t really perform due to booze. It was weird and we left that one right there really. I have chosen not to tell my fella about this, although he has asked me a few times I have said, ‘no nothing went on really just hanging out’, saving embarrassment of it all. The problem being there, once you’ve said a little white lie to someone with trust issues you have to stick to that road and be done with it. Its literally the only one I have told and I can tell you, it feels rank but, i think i have made my decision, for damage limitation I’m kind of on the opinion that I don’t really want all my past dragged up, there is a reason its in the past and that’s it. I don’t really think my Man needs to know everything seeing as no exes are around directly. My mum, dad, sis, boss and everyone has said no the past is the past leave it there it will just cause too many problems to bring it up now.

Here is the problem, he has started looking at my phone and emails and broke up with me recently because he had seen that I did email an ex since we have been together. I didn’t really realize how badly he would take this, I explained my reasons (Getting stuff back blab bla bla) a stab in the dark that I left as that, not really following it up as I knew I was kidding myself. It was nothing, written off, gutted that it raised its ugly head really. Yeah, and ok, he shouldn’t be looking through all my stuff, but it happens a lot more than we like to think doesn’t it!

I saw my heavily pregnant friend the other day, she went totally nuts at me really, which I didn’t take very well, cried and walked out because she was saying. WHY is he looking through your stuff, Why is he upsetting you. WHY are you lieing to him IT WILL come out, Why is there such a problem him knowing about your past, it will all go wrong and you will be misrable and I will have to pick you up off the floor, I needed a hug and got far from that. She put the pressure on saying YOU NEED TO TELL HIM TONIGHT, HE WILL NEVER TRUST YOU, GET OUT. And so it went on, to the point that I was again in tears due to yet more upset.

He caught a wiff of this (The phone) and knew I had walked out because of what was said at hers that day. He knows now that there is an issue there and that she is now avoiding, actually flatly refusing to see him again because she and her husband don’t want to be put in a position where they feel they would have to lie. He is totally desperate to take them out to dinner and make right what ever has gone wrong, she wont come to my birthday do as she dosent want to be a ‘bystander’ in it all. She is not fond of him and dosnet want to be put in any awkward situation. Great!! Just made a little bit more difficult for me

They really wouldn’t be an awkward situation and they wouldn’t get grilled, the awkward bit I see personally is her. She has chosen to be a primadonna in this, I could say this is a massive floor in my character but I could and would lie for a friend if they needed me to (Not that I think that will happen or that they will need to). If I didn’t like her fella I would still see him, be interested in him and wouldn’t want to cause any more insecurities than were already there!! Or problems for her for that matter.

So now, this hurts, I feel like I have lost a friend that I cant have unless its on her terms, that she is in a way, blackmailing, dictating to me and I feel really upset about it. Creating grief between in my relationship, in a powerfull sort of way to try and get me to do what she things I should do, in a passive aggressive sort of way

Please please don’t give me any moral high ground about this, I just need to know what to do about this girl, I feel really let down by her, I think she is being quite selfish and inconsiderate of my needs as a friend and I feel this horrible knot in my stomach where a normal supportive loving friendship used to be. I feel heartbroken and pretty much the end of the line in the let down stakes. It feels horrible and I don’t know what to do. I know about the hormones bit, but really I don’t know what to do. Im tempted to just get on with my life and walk away. All advice welcome – that dosent make me feel more sick or guilty than I already do.

[MapleCanuck]

Wow, I'll do my best. Your boyfriend needs to get his insecurities in check. If he can't or won't work on them, you must leave.

 

With that being said, white lies can ruin trust. You should stick to your lie, but I left my ex over too many white lies.

 

Your friend sounds selfish. A friend offers advice, but is supportive. If you want to keep your bf, then offer to see a therapist together. You won't make it where things stand now.

[sweetpea2000]

Thanks very much for that! Funnily enough thats exactly what I have done, I agree about the friend thing too, I just needed to hear it back from someone. Thank goodness you have, I thought it was a runbbish problem with all the people readying it and not replying. Thanks lot