Why do men feel ashamed/embarrassed to be dating a woman older than them?

[Serenee]

I've seen this a lot in men. Even if the girl is only a year or two older. Many times when guys were talking about their exes and I asked them her age, they were embarrassed to say it and said it as if it was a huge disadvantage. These men were all in their twenties and their girls at most 3 years older.

 

Why is this? Why are men so freaking shallow and so extremely concerned about their outside image? People often condemn women for this but in my experience men are far worse.

[DN]

I know a number of men who have dated or married older women, including my uncle whose wife was five years older.

 

Some are embarrassed because it is still unusual, and some women would not consider dating younger men anyway.

 

I think it might be an idea to remove the rather obvious chip on your shoulder about men in general. It won't serve you.

[Not a rookie]

There are shallow men then there are non shallow men.

I don't generalize, you shouldn't either.

[abitbroken]

I have never encountered that. So I can't relate. I do think that men 17-21 are more conscious about it because 2 years can mean a totally different place in life. But I have never heard a man in their late 20s or higher express shame in it. Except the guy who dated a woman 25 years older than him. He felt he needed to explain why. But a 1, 2, 5 year difference - no one has said anything about it at all negatve.

[thevic]

Its only a man who is not proud of what he's got that will deny having it. Any woman with such a man should know she has got no future with him.

[EssexMan]

Of course there are numerous, numerous exceptions (including myself!), as other posters have pointed out. But I think the OP is right that it remains a convention or an expectation, and that there are a number of reasons, intertwined.

 

1. Traditionally (in many cultures anyway) men have married women at least slightly, and sometimes much, younger than them. Even if we consciously reject this tradition as irrelevant it's harder to banish it from the way we perceive things unconsciously.

 

2. Younger women are traditionally - and still today in the media - assumed to be more attractive. (So much so that it is commented on even nowadays when a female public figure in her 50s or 60s is good-looking with a good figure.)

 

3. The second factor also means that guys get some kudos from other guys for being with a younger woman, and conversely feel they've done less well than they could if they're with an older one. It's kind of ironic because actually many guys consider older women as hot or hotter, but at some level they feel they ought to live up to the "requirement" of chasing younger ones.

 

4. I'll just throw in the possibility that younger women may opt for older guys, perhaps because those men are more likely to be stable and secure in their life position, perhaps because they are more emotionally stable - I believe it's fairly well-established that women mature emotionally more quickly than men. So the younger woman's emotional counterpart is older than her.

 

I'd stress that all this is pretty much happening unconsciously, for most people. The majority of guys aren't actually sitting there thinking "must date younger, must date younger". It just seems the natural thing to do because it is the common thing to do, and so the situation perpetuates itself.

 

The deep underlying reason may well be that younger women have more child-bearing years ahead of them and so if a man's main aim is plenty of kids, there is a certain logic to looking for younger women. This would have been a more real factor in centuries past when child mortality was much higher than now. However, it obviously doesn't bear much practical relation to dating in the developed world today, though it still survives as an influence on our opinions.

 

Incidentally, seen over a long period of history the typical ages of beginning sexual activity, marriage, etc. have risen quite substantially (again talking about the western world, at least), so I don't entirely buy into the thesis that it's a phenomenon of modern superficiality.

[rapunzel]

In our increasingly superficial society, youth and beauty reign supreme, especially when it comes to women. There is another board aimed at dating for women that I occasionally frequent and a couple of male posters there have actually said that single women at 30 should try to meet men 45 and up since most men their age will not be interested in them. Yes, unbelievable but many men these days think this way.

 

Many consider women's peak attractiveness to be between 18 and 25. After that, better start taking your Geritol ladies!

 

Traditionally men are "supposed" to date younger women. True, girls do mature faster than boys. But after age 40, the playing field should level - but it seems to only get worse. It is then a status thing for men to be with a younger woman so he can show her off to his friends.

 

It's simple, women are not allowed to age in our society, and men are given a much wider pass. There is a reason for the saying "it's a man's world". I recently dated a man six years younger. It doesn't appear to be working out and in a way, I'm relieved because I worried that the age difference would be a factor eventually. Yet women are routinely expected to happily date men 10-25 years older.

 

Just try not to take it personally. One can't do anything about the year one was born.

[Serenee]

I know a number of men who have dated or married older women, including my uncle whose wife was five years older.

 

Some are embarrassed because it is still unusual, and some women would not consider dating younger men anyway.

 

I think it might be an idea to remove the rather obvious chip on your shoulder about men in general. It won't serve you.

 

Truth does not always "serve" me. But it's still truth and I'd rather not be in denial.

 

I have never encountered that. So I can't relate. I do think that men 17-21 are more conscious about it because 2 years can mean a totally different place in life. But I have never heard a man in their late 20s or higher express shame in it. Except the guy who dated a woman 25 years older than him. He felt he needed to explain why. But a 1, 2, 5 year difference - no one has said anything about it at all negatve.

 

you would think that's nothing to be ashamed of. Every time they said it they were looking at me like I was gonna make fun of them. But I made them feel relaxed and ok about it instead. Also told myself, here's a guy I will never want to be in a relationship with.

[Snny]

I can't speak for men... but as a woman, I prefer older men.

[DN]

The problem is that, based on this thread and your previous thread, you only want a man who is perfect for you but are not prepared to accept that a man might want someone he considers perfect for him.

 

 

[EssexMan]

It's simple, women are not allowed to age in our society, and men are given a much wider pass.

 

There's a lot of truth in this. It was pointed out recently in another thread that we have plenty of words to describe women as they get older (MILF, cougar etc.) but men are basically just "men" from the day they stop being boys to the day they die.

[Serenee]

Yet the same men complain about women wanting a man with financial stability. It's a joke, isn't it?

 

45 and up??? I might be close to 30 but not dead yet lol I'd rather be shot dead than go for that age range. And as much as men's extreme shallowness and entitlement annoys me, I've never known a 30 year old woman that had to go that low to find a date.

[Serenee]

The problem is that, based on this thread and your previous thread, you only want a man who is perfect for you but are not prepared to accept that a man might want someone he considers perfect for him.

 

]

 

Nice stalking but you failed miserably when it comes to coming to a conclusion.

[rapunzel]

There's a lot of truth in this. It was pointed out recently in another thread that we have plenty of words to describe women as they get older (MILF, cougar etc.) but men are basically just "men" from the day they stop being boys to the day they die.

 

Thanks for acknowledging that, EssexMan. You are obviously an evolved man! In fact, I think I posted (complained) on that very thread. Yes, I'm single, I'm (gasp) over 50 so I am automatically a cougar...unless I go out with Hugh Hefner, I suppose.

[rapunzel]

Yet the same men complain about women wanting a man with financial stability. It's a joke, isn't it?

 

45 and up??? I might be close to 30 but not dead yet lol I'd rather be shot dead than go for that age range. And as much as men's extreme shallowness and entitlement annoys me, I've never known a 30 year old woman that had to go that low to find a date.

 

Well, maybe it was 40 and up but yes, these male posters were so incredibly age-ist when it came to women. They were insinuating that at 30, if a woman is not married she is essentially pretty much washed up and may have to settle for a man 10+ years older if she wanted marriage/children. Like you, I was never interested in much older men (still am not) - I have always preferred men close to my age, and/or within a 5 year gap either way.

[Serenee]

Well, maybe it was 40 and up but yes, these male posters were so incredibly age-ist when it came to women. They were insinuating that at 30, if a woman is not married she is essentially pretty much washed up and may have to settle for a man 10+ years older if she wanted marriage/children. Like you, I was never interested in much older men (still am not) - I have always preferred men close to my age, and/or within a 5 year gap either way.

 

Well, they can say whatever they want, but most women specially in big cities are married late and tons get divorced in their thirties and forties. It's 2013. Most of the men on internet who say that crap hardly get any woman anyway. It's all the aftermath of too much masturbating.

[EssexMan]

Sure there are guys who are obsessed by age. But I think it looks a bigger obsession than it is online, because many dating sites more or less force you to specify an age range. So, a guy who in real life might be totally smitten by a charming, good-looking woman 15 years his senior but doesn't expect that to happen - because he's been conditioned to believe men generally date younger - will exclude her from his dating criteria.

 

This also applies to other criteria. It's a problem inherent to online dating (though not such a big problem that you shouldn't use it) - the need to filter vast numbers of people down to a manageable short list means you might miss out on one who is perfect apart from not meeting some fairly arbitrary criterion. It's rather similar to the difficulty of really browsing (as opposed to searching) on Amazon.

[Serenee]

My interactions with these men were in real though and they were talking about their exes or girls they dated.

[EssexMan]

My interactions with these men were in real though and they were talking about their exes or girls they dated.

 

Fair enough, I was referring to "the men on internet who say that crap".

[HeatherB]

What about the younger guy who is proud to tell his buddies he found a hot sugar mama who pays his way? I don't buy that this is a major issue. But to the extent that it is an issue, I think it has more to do with looks than age. If she's older and looks better than he does, no one cares.

 

I was in a 7 year relationship with a guy who was 4 years younger than me, and his friends told him he was a lucky guy. Yes this is bragging, but we looked great together and I think that made a difference. That and I didn't act like his mommy...Well, eventually at the end I did and then everything went to hell and I had to break up with him. It was good for quite a while though.

 

And @rapunzel: You're a Lioness, remember? Way cooler.

[jaded123]

1. Traditionally (in many cultures anyway) men have married women at least slightly, and sometimes much, younger than them. Even if we consciously reject this tradition as irrelevant it's harder to banish it from the way we perceive things unconsciously.

2. Younger women are traditionally - and still today in the media - assumed to be more attractive. (So much so that it is commented on even nowadays when a female public figure in her 50s or 60s is good-looking with a good figure.)

 

So, let me ask you, are taller men "deemed" to be more attractive by "media" and is that the reason why women prefer taller men ? Because that is tradition ? Is that why a 5'9" women is almost never physically attracted to (putting status/wealth aside) say a 5'4" man ?

 

Nope. To ask that question is to answer it. Most women (all else being the same), instinctively, prefer men taller than themselves. It's an innate preference, having to do with reproductive fitness and protective ability.

 

The deep underlying reason may well be that younger women have more child-bearing years ahead of them and so if a man's main aim is plenty of kids, there is a certain logic to looking for younger women. This would have been a more real factor in centuries past when child mortality was much higher than now. However, it obviously doesn't bear much practical relation to dating in the developed world today, though it still survives as an influence on our opinions.

 

All life's aim is to survive and replicate, which is what all animals (including man's main aim) have evolved to do for 4 billion years.

 

Attraction is not a choice. Younger women are universally preferred over all time and ages and cultures, simply because they are more fertile.

[Not a rookie]

A man's sperm count goes down after he reaches his mid 20s. In ancient times women had a lot of young male concubines cause obviously younger men are more fertile.

If I had a choice between a younger men and an older men, I would go for a younger men for that reason. Sorry.

p.s. My boyfriend and my future husband to be is ten years younger than me. I am in my thirties.

[HeatherB]

...In ancient times women had a lot of young male concubines cause obviously younger men are more fertile.

 

Damned agricultural movement and monotheism! Went and ruined everything!

[EssexMan]

So, let me ask you, are taller men "deemed" to be more attractive by "media"

 

Actually, I'd argue yes, they are - using "media" in the broadest sense. Think how many short comedians or amusing character actors there are, and how few short heartthrobs. Short is seen as a little bit funny and not particularly romantically alluring. (I am tall, this is not a chip-on-the-shoulder argument, BTW.)

 

But, we do agree more than you may think. I don't suggest that media "deem" younger women or taller men to be attractive out of the blue - rather, they reflect and reinforce mate-selection criteria that originally developed for good evolutionary reasons, and have since become socially ingrained, although they are no longer all that important for successful reproduction.

 

I'd suggest we can and frequently do act counter to basic biological imperatives in order to please ourselves in other ways (or possibly to satisfy other, more obscure biological urges, if you want to take a mechanistic point of view).

 

However, in this particular case (and others), even though many men are capable of being attracted to older women, they're not - or rather they are reluctant to act on it - because the culture discourages it.

[Serenee]

A man's sperm count goes down after he reaches his mid 20s. In ancient times women had a lot of young male concubines cause obviously younger men are more fertile.

If I had a choice between a younger men and an older men, I would go for a younger men for that reason. Sorry.

p.s. My boyfriend and my future husband to be is ten years younger than me. I am in my thirties.

 

Let's not go down the road of fertility again. I don't care how "fertile" and older or younger man is, when he looks like a truck just ran over him (which is the case with a lot of older men), I don't want to have sex with him and pretend to scream from joy.

 

The point is though, all these men were young so were the girls they were with. They all looked fairly good, but still these men were embarrassed of the woman's age. I would get it if the woman actually LOOKED older than them but that was not the case, understandably so as a year or two does not really affect how you look.