Walk Away Spouse May be getting remarried. Hurting.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Happily married for 13 years. Wife had affair that led to divorce. She went through 4-5 guys, been with current BF for 7 months. It looks serious. I am still having a hard time with BU, much less her dating around. Now I'm having to deal with the potential of her getting remarried.

 

I don't even know if I'm ready to start dating yet. I guess I just can't fathom how she can so quickly put all the years behind her and move on so quickly. I'm not sure if I ever really knew her. Our 2 girls are so confused by everything. Mom looks happy on the outside but yells at the girls over the slightest little thing. We never yelled at them. I worry about how she is raising them but I feel helpless.

 

I'm a little sad but try to keep a good face when I'm around them. I so want to get better. 10 months since the D was final & I still have strong feelings for her. I'm not sure if it's love though. ...sigh...

[sportsguy9981]

Thats a hard one, you just have to realize that you dont have any control over what she does anymore, she made the decision to leave and thats what she wanted. My ex girlfriend left me as well, basically I think you can still love the person but if you dont receive anything back its very hard to keep up the feelings. You're use to her, and thats obvious, so it will hurt for a very long time, but what you and I must realize is that the past is the past, and the future brings new oppourtunities.. if you're not ready to date yet, which it sounds like you're not, then just be single, Im single and honestly its not so bad, because then you dont have to worry about something new not working out and you dont have to be as low as her and jump into something right away.. doing that is not the healthy way of doing things.

[lavenderdove]

Well, statistics do show that many people do get married within a couple years of the divorce, especially if they are the type of person who doesn't like to be alone (or parent alone in a house with kids) so they want a partner to help out with that and to improve their financial situation. Your ex may be stressed as a single parent and think things would go better if she had a partner to help around the house with the kids and to improve her finances. Not saying that is right or wrong, just that it is actually quite common for this to happen and is not a reflection on you at all. Many people do get engaged around a year and married by two years, so it is something that COULD happen, but if she's jumped from guy to guy, she could jump again as well.

 

So don't focus on her, focus on working on letting go. You need to start thinking about you and not her, and if you are having trouble letting go, you should consider counseling to help you do so so that you can find a new partner of your own. And minimize your contact with your ex. Only spend enough time with her to exchange your daughters and don't spend any time hanging around her and listening to stories about what is going on with her and her new life.

[itsallgrand]

I think you are at a healthy place, only 10 months since your divorce. Seriously. Exactly, how can a person process all those years together now gone, and the break up of a home, in such a short time (sounds like she never stopped to be alone, always has a man on the go). The answer: you can't. You drag it into whatever 'relationship' you hop into. And it stunts a person. That's why she is yelling at the kids: she isn't dealing with her emotional issues. She's putting it on this new guy and the kids.

 

That really sucks. But your kids still have you. You don't have to be "all better" to be there for them, and it's actually very good for them to see a parent who is normally grieving the loss of the marriage. That's normal! That's a model for them - it's ok to be sad after all this.

 

So I wouldn't worry too too much about your kids (tho you will, naturally) because they DO have you. And you WILL process this in due time, and you things won't always be like they are now. You are at your low - it will pass. You will feel confident and happy again, and you will get back your sense of control.

 

It can be lonely sometimes being "the rock".

 

Now is the time for friendship. Family. Taking care of you. Focusing in again on what is important to you in your life. What you value. What you want to bring. And being kind to yourself.

 

I agree with Lav that limiting contact with the ex to essentials would be good for you. As would giving yourself permission here to let it be about you for a while - getting back to yourself and focusing on what you do have going which is positive, and what you can look forward to in your future. Lots to look forward to yet.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Lots of great advice. Thanks. My girls absolutely will benefit from seeing normal, healthy emotions from me, of that I am sure. Mom pretends that all is well and I know it can't possibly be.

 

I see that she HAS to have a man in her life. She once told me before the divorce that her greatest fear was not being able to make it on her own. She got over a half million $ in the D so she has a great head start.

 

I started a new job a couple of months ago so thank God I have plenty of other stuff to occupy my mind. I have been to a counselor a few times and it is somewhat helpful. Honestly, I get better advice from this forum!

 

Thanks for the encouragement!

[FreeFallFeelin]

10 months isn't that much time in regards to healing from the loss of your marriage. Seeing your ex move on so quickly may complicate your healing because maybe you feel like you should be as far along as she is. But really, some people are just simply built differently (some more like an alligator) and are able to push emotions aside. Be proud that you're not like that. You are showing the respect and reflection that a broken heart is worthy of.

 

It may appear that she's getting everything she wanted, but at what cost? Leaping from man to man comes from a deep seated fear and inability to be alone. The myth is that a new person will make her happy and fulfill her. She may get her feelings of security right up front, once the honeymoon period fades, she may find herself dealing with the emotions and emptiness she pushed aside at the time of your Divorce.

 

And just looking at it more simply - after getting out of a 13 year marriage, who wouldn't take time to let things settle and to take some time alone before launching right back into finding a serious relationship? It just sounds desperate and panic stricken!

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Thanks FreeFall. Good stuff.