So frustrated/hopeless, not sure if i should just give up for good?

[rebellefleur]

I've been talking to my ex who i've been so hung up on for the past year. All i've ever wanted was a second chance but nothing ever seems to just stay and go good. When he first came back around, for the first week everything was peachy, but then i found out that while we were in one of our "no talking" phases, just a week prior to him coming back around, he hooked up with his best friend's ex (a girl i always had a bad feeling about when it came to him). I was crushed and it just caused an argument and a lot of trust issues from me. His reaction was that he wasn't guilty feeling or sorry because we weren't together, and i just needed to "get over it".

 

Everytime we would reconnect, my feelings would just come back and for him he would always want things to go slow and have us "just see" and etc. For me, i just wanted to start working on things. I've been especially frustrated because i see so many other couples who were terrible together, get back together and actually work out. Recently, one of his best friends and his gf (a couple i used to be close with) went through something because he found out she had slept with someone while they were together, but sure enough they're still working on things, still using pet names, still happy, still in love.

 

Last night i snapped and brought it up to him, i sent him a long text telling him how i felt, he didn't respond. So i called and asked if he even read it? He said yes and repeated the first line of the text and i asked him to tell me what else was in the text and he couldn't- then finally admitted he didn't read it. I felt so upset and told him how i didn't deserve that, he hung on me and wouldn't answer any of my calls and i just got so upset. I finally asked him if he was in love with me at all and he just said "no, i'm not in love...but i want to be". It just broke my heart, i feel so dead. I don't understand how other couples can go through so much and still be in love, but i'm always fallen out of love with so easily.

 

Is it time to give up for good?

[mhowe]

Yup. He isn't even interested in reading your thoughts.

 

And he is right -- you don't get to make anything out of the time you weren't together. None of your business.

 

He doesn't want to "work on things" -- what he wants is the benefits of being in a relationship (sex), but not the effort.

[Rexcat84]

couple do go through stuff, break up, and get back together by handling it logically. I don't think he's at fault here because you're the one not being fair and impeding getting back together by 1- asking him who he's been with when you're not together, 2- acting crazy and demanding responses to long emotional text messages, 3- repeatedly calling him.

 

I think he actually does want to see if it will work out but there are NO guarantees. He can't be made to feel like he's in charge of your happiness, emotional instability etc. So if you want to get back together he has made it clear (rightfully so) that it will be by going slow ( ie. no long text messages etc. ). Healthy relationships are slowly built by two people coming together without relying on each other.

[Edmund Exley]

Yes it is time to give up for good.

 

Obviously only judging from a few paragraphs to go by here, but your aren't exactly portraying yourself as someone I would be wanting to reconcile with. You come off as somewhat demanding.

[rebellefleur]

Wow, i don't think expecting someone to truly listen to my feelings and communicate with me makes me someone who's demanding. i don't think being afraid of someone and going through the same heartbreak makes me demanding. Sorry, but after being f**ked over by someone countless times, you kind of get to the point where you want to demand more just so you aren't left heartbroken again.

 

and for one, i didn't ask him about who he'd been with- if it were up to me i wish i would have never found out, but it's a slap in the face to find out that a girl you had bad feelings about while you were together ended up coming true. and if writing a text explaining how i feel makes me crazy, then that's great. i spent an entire year and a half with this guy being yelled at, hung up on, and having my feelings constantly dismissed, so sorry if i don't want that again.

[mhowe]

And you want to get back with him why?

[rebellefleur]

I guess because i'm just so crazy.

[mhowe]

I guess because i'm just so crazy.

 

It would seem so. If you never had him listen/communicate w/ you when you were together, what would make you think he would try now?

[gardnergirl2]

hi rebel;

I remember you. Seems we are both still hurting from how we were done. Try this on for size. My replacement lays up in my ex's house and doesn't work. Meanwhile, his mom is helping him with his bills becuase he is going under financially. Sadly, Rebel, this is what he chose. Yes, I am hurt. I even had to give back my Christmas present that he gave me, but he didn't (long story).

 

I know it is hard to do, and I don't think you are crazy. We are just not over our pain. But please, for your sake, just back off for a time. Believe me, I have not usually followed my own advice, and lived to regret it. I think of my ex every day, and although I know he wasn't right for me, I can't believe how he treats this low life girl and how he treated me. he treats her like a queen. I am finally coming to terms with it and a peace of some kind.

 

Just back off for a time. See what happens. In the meantime, start trying to heal your heart (I Know you have). You never know what the future holds, but unless he realizes what he has lost or feels that he has lost anything, it won't work. Trust me....I have had to watch a convicted felon, sorry mother, lazy, asked to move into his house 3 weeks in (he didn't ask her), wont work low life take my place. Yes, it hurts. Aint a dang thing I can do about it. Hugs to you

[Edmund Exley]

Demands can only be made when BOTH people are agreed that they are trying to actually reconcile. Then the demands that both require to make it work can be voiced and agreed upon. He hasn't come to the table to negotiate in that way.

 

He slept with that girl and there is nothing that can be done to undo that. YOU have to decide if you can let it go because all the upset and anger about how it made you feel when you found out isn't going to make a scrap of difference as there is nothing he can do to change it.

 

And if you spent a year and a half being treated poorly and have had no indication from him that its ever going to change, what in God's name do you think making demands is going to do other than what it is already doing, bouncing you back and forth.

[Polis]

Emotions are messy, sometimes you follow your emotions and it burns you, over and over and over. Which is what I think is happening here.

 

You are similar to the girl that just left me who is holding onto her past and is not over her ex, she cannot make a decision and keeps being pulled around by her emotions, despite how poor their relationship went. You need to make a firm decision about what is good for your future and for your health.

 

While emotions run rampant they are controllable through habits, but you have to make a decision. Habits like not calling, not texting, not talking to him. Habits like telling yourself it's over when he pops into your head and telling yourself there is truly no hope despite how you feel. Habits like thinking about what possible outcome can come from trying to contact him.

[browneyedgirl36]

I remember your earlier posts on this ex and how he treated you a long time ago. I don't think you're crazy, but you are definitely stuck, and after a certain point, you have to ask yourself, not "Why is he doing this to ME?" but rather "Why am I doing this to myself?" You said yourself he hasn't treated you well. He broke up with you, but you've remained in some contact and he's fed you breadcrumbs and not expressed any commitment in terms of trying to get back together with you. He can't keep you hanging on a string if you let go of the string. I know it's hard -- I've been there -- but a year is a long time to remain hung up on someone who has not treated you well and shows no interest in reconciling. Again, I understand -- I was hung up on my ex for a length of time that I'm ashamed to admit -- but after a certain amount of time goes by and you're still pining away, still remaining in contact with hopes of reconciling, still allowing the wounds to be opened (and salt poured in them) over and over again, you have recognize that it isn't about him anymore; it's about you. There is something in you that keeps you hanging on because, trust me, you're not hanging on becuase he's an awesome guy and "the one" for you. Whether it's low self-esteem, insecurity, lack of confidence or self-worth, fear of being "alone" -- whatever it is, there is something in you that is preventing you from letting go.

 

I give this advice frequently on here, particularly when I see people -- men AND women -- hanging on to someone who shows little to no interest, has treated them badly, runs hot and cold, etc. : Work on figuring out what it is that makes you cling to him even when doing so just makes you feel worse, even when he is clearly not invested in making things work. In my case, going back to my childhood, I experienced a lot of rejection -- my father was emotionally unavailable (and still is, to some extent, though he's gotten tons better in that area), I was bullied constantly, I felt invisible to boys (while my girlfriends had all sorts of attention lavished on them). I came to see myself as undesirable to men -- as not worthy of their love, attention, and affection. My ex was "perfect" for me in that he simultaneously triggered every insecurity that I had about relationships with men AND seemed for a bit to be "saving" me from that. He would, at times, lavish TONS of affection and attention on me -- contacting me constantly, complimenting me, making me feel "loved." He even told me he loved me (though later gave me the "I can't love you the way you love me," line) -- only to go completely cold on me awhile later. It was a cycle, with the times I felt loved getting shorter and shorter, and the times I felt insecure, desperate, anxious and sad getting longer and longer, until something in me just kind of snapped, and I realized that my relationship with him -- mainly, the suffering it caused me -- was pretty much all about ME. Yes, he was emotionally distant, cold sometimes, impulsive, inconsistent, but I was the one sticking around for it! I finally got real with myself and asked myself the hard questions, namely, "Why do you think you deserve to be treated this way?" The answer was that I had gotten accustomed to feeling that way, so that, while the feeling was painful, it was at least FAMILIAR, and the unknown is far scarier than the known, usually.

 

So, I challenge you to ask yourself this same question: Why do I think I deserve to be treated this way? as well as a few others, including, "What is this relationship doing that is positive for me?" and "If it feels this bad, why do I refuse to change it?"

 

So many posters on here will say, "I can't help it! I LOVE him/her!" OK, maybe that's true, but when someone's in that much pain, it's not usually just about love. It's about attachment, fear, rejection, loss -- all those things we hate facing but, ironically, force-feed to ourselves when we try to maintain relationships that aren't healthy for us.

 

I think you should stop talking to him -- for now, and for as long as it takes for you to get some clarity and insight into why you would put up with his behavior. Is it "love" or is it something else? I think you know the answer. You just need to take some time away from him -- a long time -- to work on internal stuff without him sending you all sorts of mixed messages.

[UnluckyNiceGuy]

It's hard, but I think the best thing to do is to move on. It just doesn't seem like the relationship was ever healthy as he never communicated with you or treated you well.

 

I know how hard it is to get over someone (still trying to do that), but at some point you have to ask yourself "Why am I doing this to myself?" You deserve to be happy, and you don't need him in order to be happy.

 

As well, by demanding him to communicate and care about his feelings, you're not doing yourself any favours and in fact pushing him away. As I've learned, if you want your ex to want you back, you can't be there for them all the time, and you can't expect them to care about you. They have to want to be with you and think about you, and nothing you say can change their minds.

 

The only real thing to do is be patient, work on yourself (as I've been doing for the past year), and if the time comes that he does come around looking for you, your head will be in a better place and you'll be better suited to decide at that point if you really still want him or not.

 

Good luck!

[gardnergirl2]

Rebel,

God knows I know how you feel. I agree with the posters right above me, though. I am now doing this to myself. Yesterday I prayed for god to completely heal me. I am even seeing someone, but it still affects me.

 

My ex and I had started a friendship, but his new gal put her foot down. She is a bad mother, drug head, convicted felon, lazybones, won't work disaster. And he is going under financially while she sits on the couch everyday. Wht does he see in her? Only god knows. But the bigger question is this:

 

WHY DO I STILL CARE?

 

That is where I want god to heal me. My ex decided to let her rule over him and cut me out. So, let them have each other. I miss him everyday rebel. But I have to understand the him that " loved" me is dead. Gone. There is nothing for me there.

 

I am a better caliber of woman than her. Period. He chose her though. He has are his bed hard, and now he has to lay in it.