Valentine's day - does it freak men out in the early stages of dating?

[rapunzel]

Just curious what people think. Does the looming prospect of Valentine's Day affect or spook men in the early stages of dating (say two months) especially if they are ambivalent and not yet committed or exclusive? I am not exactly applying this to my recent date's disappearing act...but wonder if others think the societal directive of Valentine's Day puts undue added pressure on men and how they behave when they are in a fairly new dating situation.

 

Personally V-day is a non-issue for me. I am not a big fan of obligatory gift giving and Hallmark holidays and the expectations that many women (and men) have regarding this "holiday". It's fun I suppose, when you're a kid and you hand out valentines to your classmates and your family, but as an adult, it seems embarrassing to me that many men feel they have to send a dozen red roses to their girlfriends or wives because they are "supposed" to. I know a woman who has been repeatedly disappointed in her boyfriend's inability to find the "perfect" gift for her on Valentine's day. This woman is over 50! They are now breaking up (surprise, surprise!) I just shake my head in amazement. Maybe I'm just an old curmudgeon.

 

Thoughts?

[Edmund Exley]

It freaks out some women just as much as some men. You cant generalize based on gender. Every person and relationship status is different and as such, the reaction will be different.

 

Are there men it freaks out? Sure, but there are women it freaks out too.

 

As for the women you mention, the issue isnt her boyfriend, its her. She demands perfection on what is supposed to be a gesture of love. Pretty shallow as I see it. No wonder people are put off by the holiday.

[rapunzel]

I hear you but I think the onus is on MEN to "deliver" on Valentine's Day. On the Steve Harvey show the host just exclaimed "Ladies, this is YOUR holiday!" and the entire audience cheered. Now some woman on the show is saying "what woman doesn't want diamonds on Valentine's Day? We love diamonds!" Ugh.

 

Agree with you about the woman I mentioned. She is so high maintenance with birthdays and holidays, it's ridiculous. However, I don't believe this type of behavior is that unusual.

 

It freaks out some women just as much as some men. You cant generalize based on gender. Every person and relationship status is different and as such, the reaction will be different.

 

Are there men it freaks out? Sure, but there are women it freaks out too.

 

As for the women you mention, the issue isnt her boyfriend, its her. She demands perfection on what is supposed to be a gesture of love. Pretty shallow as I see it. No wonder people are put off by the holiday.

[EssexMan]

I'd see it as a reason to go out for dinner and have a nice evening, to give a card and a gift of some kind, but not some major extravaganza - or test.

[april15]

I agree with Essexman. This is a night to treat the woman I am seeing to a nice night out. If we are exclusive a nice card and maybe some candy or flowers depending on what she likes. Even if the budget is tight, fixing a nice meal in and a single rose or favorite candy with a heartfelt note. Just let them know I thought about them on this day society had deemed the lovers day.

[laninaperdida]

I think they're excited.

More likely to get it in given how needy & lonely women are this time of year.

[Deejmonster]

If I am in a new relationship with a girl then I think it would be an excuse to take my lady out for dinner or something nice. I wouldn't over do it or expect anything to happen if we were not at that stage of the relationship yet, but I would definitely consider a nice date on that day.

 

If I am dating a girl casually... I would avoid going out on V day. This somehow does worry me, the whole sending mix signals thing... I wouldn't want to put pressure in doing something on that day unless we both were clear that it was only a date and there was no significance for it being a holiday too.

[rapunzel]

Ah, now we're getting somewhere, Deejmonster.

[Deejmonster]

I just find that there might be some hiddne/unspoken communication surrounding that day that I would like to avoid. You run the risk of overdoing it or underdoing it with someone who you aren't sure of yet. It just sends too many signals out.. which is why I would avoid it unless we were already a couple. Some may say that avoiding the day all together, you might send out a negative vibe... and I say.. you are going to lose either way so just opt out.

[rapunzel]

I just find that there might be some hiddne/unspoken communication surrounding that day that I would like to avoid. You run the risk of overdoing it or underdoing it with someone who you aren't sure of yet. It just sends too many signals out.. which is why I would avoid it unless we were already a couple. Some may say that avoiding the day all together, you might send out a negative vibe... and I say.. you are going to lose either way so just opt out.

 

Yup, agree with this.

[ming1]

I agree with Essexman. This is a night to treat the woman I am seeing to a nice night out. If we are exclusive a nice card and maybe some candy or flowers depending on what she likes. Even if the budget is tight, fixing a nice meal in and a single rose or favorite candy with a heartfelt note. Just let them know I thought about them on this day society had deemed the lovers day.

 

I sour at the idea of one-sided relationships - or one-sided "acts of love" while in a relationship. If both people are committed to one another, then each should be willing to and WANT to show their love to each other whenever they get the chance. Since when did Valentines Day become the day during which the guy is expected to pamper the girl and for the girl to judge the guy? It's very shallow that is and honestly any human - man or woman - who has that view is a very shallow individual.

 

The sitgma is the guy is expected to go above and beyond for the girl that day and it's the girls job to judge her man's performance. That's really ridiculous.

 

In a healthy relationship both the man and the woman would treat each other special on Valentines day not because they feel obliged to but because they love each other. Neither expects the other to do anything on that day, but both want to do something for the other because of their affection for each other. (And in a really healthy relationship it would be well known between the man and the woman that neither is testing or expecting anything from the other.)

 

And seriously, that ^ is what Valentines Day really is about. Nothing more, nothing less. I think as society has progressed, it was found to be profitable for jewelers and card makers etc to front the idea that its the man's duty and ONLY the man's duty to perform on that day. And shallow people in shallow relationships bought into that idea.

 

A lot of the men - note not most - who get freaked out by Valentines Day (and I do think men are more sensitive to this than women because the stigma is that they are the ones being tested) especially in the early stages of dating are the men who understand what Valentines Day is really about and are nervous that their mate's perceptions are different. They're worried that their mate is going to judge them based on an expected performance or that the only thing they're going to get in return for their overdone effort is sex. Maybe I'm a weird guy, but a woman I'm in love with who regularly shows me simple signs of love and affection satisfies me a lot more than a night of sex as a reward for buying her a diamond and a fancy dinner on Valentines Day.

 

Valentines Day is about both partners surprising the other with unexpected, simple, and pronounced signs of love. The End.