JLoneLay Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Hello everyone. I am 22 years old and am currently in a 2 year relationship with my wonderful girlfriend. Things have been up and down recently. Less romance, less fire, also a little bit of distance growing between us. A lot of it is due to work + college + studying. I understand things simmer down as time goes on and I have made my peace with that. The distance between us also grow because sometimes I desire to be alone and be in my own space and this hurts her. If it was up to her we'd be together every possible moment. Recently I was hired at a new job as a server. The restaurant which hired me is very well off. They have classes that servers are required to take. It was basically a 8am-2pm type deal Mon-Fri for one week. This past week I started my training and I've been there almost every day. I met a girl there who is my type, attractive, and we have the same interests. We "click". I never flirted with her, we just had conversations here and there. I sensed that she was somewhat attracted to me. I think she assumed I was the timid type of guy who was too scared to ask for a girls number. So one day after training she asked me for my number and I gave it to her, but I told her shortly after I wanted to be honest with her and that I was taken and had a girl. She seemed to respect that. Sometimes though during work I catch her giving me this smile/look. It's kind of like a quick deep flirtatious glance. I know that doesn't make sense but that's how I would describe it. Today we had a staff meeting early in the morning and it lasted for several hours. After we were walking to our cars and started to warm them up. I sometimes sit in her car while our cars warm up. We just have light conversation on topics such as meditation, family, philosophy, marijuana (she I don't have any feelings towards her, I do find her attractive. She also has a nice personality, but I don't want to sacrifice what I have with my girlfriend. I have to include that if I told my girlfriend what I did this morning, she would kick me to the curb. I want to respect boundaries, but I want to be responsible. I feel I struggle a bit with commitment and I want some freedom, but nothing like going to clubs etc. I have no intention of cheating on my gf either. I want to be honest with you guys because in my second long term relationship (~5 years ago) I cheated and didn't tell the girl. I never want to repeat that mistake again. I DO NOT have feelings for this girl or have any intention on being intimate with her (I do find her attractive and charming though), but after some reflection I thought that this might be how affairs start. So I have a question. One being to ask you guys for your input and advice on my situation. I'd like to hear more perspectives so I can gain some clarity on the situation. And if you made it this far thank you for reading, I'd give you a medal if I could. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I would avoid being under the influence when you're alone with a woman you find attractive and who is interested in you as well. Link to comment
JLoneLay Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 I would avoid being under the influence when you're alone with a woman you find attractive and who is interested in you as well. That's a good point. Unfortunately I will be around her a lot since we will be working together... Link to comment
Moonphase Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I think people who have no intention of cheating don't need advice or clarification. They just dont cheat. Also, you have already gone behind your gf's back to smoke drugs with this girl, which IMO is pretty bad. Link to comment
RedDress Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Sometimes though during work I catch her giving me this smile/look. It's kind of like a quick deep flirtatious glance. ... I sometimes sit in her car while our cars warm up. ... So I said yes and we drove around the mall to a secluded spot and sparked up. ... I have to include that if I told my girlfriend what I did this morning, she would kick me to the curb. So - here's the thing. You are attracted to this girl and she is likely attracted to you. You didn't really have to sit in her car with her alone while the cars warmed up (c'mon - if it's really, really cold you could have gone back in the restaurant) - that's pretty intimate. You also didn't need to go to some secluded place alone with her. You are playing with fire and you know it - otherwise you wouldn't be worried about telling your gf. If you want to be single and free - be single and free! You don't need a reason to break up with your gf. You can do it just because you want to be single. But if you want the relationship - cut out this gray-zone stuff. Yes, this is exactly how affairs start. It starts when you start to gray boundaries and justify slightly shady things that you are doing. I'm not saying that you have done anything wrong yet, but you are tempting fate. What is it you want? Link to comment
JLoneLay Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 A part of me would want's to be single. But I don't want to lose my gf. I don't appreciate her enough... Since I've already done something she would break up with me for. (what I mentioned earlier) Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 It comes down to making a choice, a choice that you can live with. Also keep in mind, that if you're looking for a way to have your cake and eat it too, there are consequences that you can't escape. Link to comment
RedDress Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 A part of me would want's to be single. But I don't want to lose my gf. I don't appreciate her enough... Since I've already done something she would break up with me for. (what I mentioned earlier) You can't have it both ways - it's decision time. Either you can take that energy and put it back into your relationship (start appreciating her - there's clearly a lull, maybe it's time to spice it up! Go on a trip, research new sexual positions, etc. Re-invent the relationship). OR you can just be free. BTW - I think that this happens in all relationships at some point. This is what they mean by "relationships are hard work". You have to put the effort in to shake it up, renew it and find ways to fall in love again. I don't think you've done anything that you have to beat yourself up over... just something to stop and think about. (PS: At your age, I also don't think it's terrible to just decide you want to be single, if that's the way you want to go.) Link to comment
JLoneLay Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Thank you for the replies. I realize more now that relationships require more effort. I know that a running away to a new person when things hit a lull are clearly not the solution. It's been a while since we've had a nice night out that didn't have a fight.. It's just I like the chase I guess. I'd rather be chasing my girl but it just things don't flow like that anymore. I guess it's because of all the time we've been together. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 That's a good point. Unfortunately I will be around her a lot since we will be working together... Doesn't have to be "unfortunately" -keep a professional distance and you'll be fine. Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Just stay away from her. No reason you have to interact with her beyond a polite 'hello'. Or dump your gf and do whatever. Link to comment
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