Becoming Best Friends with Your Ex: Pros & Cons

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

It's not for me due to the circumstances surrounding our divorce (her cheating & the still lingering resentment I have over her selfishness that destroyed what was for me a wonderful marriage), but I'm curious to hear if anyone has a terrific relationship with their ex.

 

My ex is in a different psychological place than me & she would love for her & I to be best buddies. I can't do it because I would easily want something more (because I haven't fully moved on) & she has a very solid BF so I seriously doubt she would ever have romantic feelings for me.

 

I've heard of exes, particularly those with kids, still getting together for major holidays, birthdays, and even going out to dinner on occasion & even having the ex over to the house for dinner, cookouts, etc. And, there was a time I was texting my ex nearly everyday about what was going on in our lives (& our kids) but we never discussed who we were dating & very little about our failed marriage. I did all this for the first 6 months after my divorce but had to put an end to it because it was getting in the way of my healing & moving on.

 

So, let's hear the stories of when it can work or why it hasn't.

[EssexMan]

Exes can be friends, quite easily, but I can't think of an example from my own life where they're anything like best friends.

 

If there was a friendship before romance, that makes friendship after a relationship much easier, I think.

[RachaelRosen]

I don't have experience with this, but I'd say it's very unlikely and so rare ..I've never even heard of it...that an ex husband and ex wife would be best friends. Getting together for the kids and stuff? (And with their new boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse) Yes. But actual buddies? No...

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Rachael, in my case, my ex never mentions her BF and I would NEVER have come over when he was around her, etc. There was a time when I would get invited over to her place for dinner and it would be just her, me, & our two girls. There was also other times when we would both invite each other out to dinner or a movie when we had our kids during visitation. That was really fun for our girls to see but always messed me up a little.

 

I guess it was a little odd considering she had a BF but she would rarely refuse my invitation. Like I said though, there was never any flirting or relationship talk between us. I would just ask her how she was doing in general. mostly just small talk. And as for the texting, it was literally every couple of days. Same random topics like the weather, asking each other if we were watching the same goofy TV show, etc. Since I stopped 4 months ago, she now only contacts me about our girls and visitation related topics, which is perfect for me since I'm now trying to move on.

 

I am just curious to see how many exes have gotten to a point where they are very friendly. My ex had made it known that she would love to have a closer, friendlier relationship with me (never gonna happen while she is seriously dating someone). Now if she was not dating anyone and was really making an effort towards me, that would be an interesting deal. I'm not sure how I would react.

[lavenderdove]

I've known people who've stayed friends with their exes, or else not really been 'friends' but stayed civil and got together for family events for the sake of the kids. It's not an all or nothing thing, but a gradient.

 

I've known some people who had bitter divorces but eventually after several years it calmed down, they both got their own new partners, then they were fine at attending social gatherings at each others houses.

 

And some exes who became like brother and sister where they were involved in each other's lives in a 'sibling' type relationship that no longer involved romantic feelings.

 

The risk with being 'friends' when you've still got romantic feelings is it really isn't healthy for you to stay close when you have different agendas and your task now is working on letting go and letting those feelings subside because she is no longer interested. And it can be excruciating if you get too friendly then she will expect you to tolerate her new BF or husband as part of your social circle while your heart is breaking.

 

It sounds like she is trying to maintain a civil relationship with you for the sake of your children, but she has moved on romantically with a new man. So you should probably not initiate any contact with her and instead throw your efforts into moving on and finding someone new for yourself. Eventually she will hit you with the wedding invitation for her and her new guy, so you need to be fully detached before that happens or it will be very very painful.

 

She may see you now in a role as a 'brother', someone part of her family because you are the father of her children, but no longer a romantic partner. So she will want to have a friendship with you, but that is all. If she does want you back, she would not be dating other men, she would be trying to work it out with you instead.

[calichick007]

If you could only be friendly with her while she is single, I wouldn't consider that a true friendship. That's called being faux friendly with someone you still have feelings for because the temporal situation (i.e., them being single for a period) allows you room for denial.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Lavenderdove, yeah, you're spot-on, the wedding invitation is what I fear most. I pray I have emotionally healed by then. And, she probably thinks of me as more of a father, IMO. I helped her sell the house, helped her pick out her new one, and was the first person she called whenever some crisis befell her. Since I have backed off, the relationship w/ the BF has skyrocketed. She wanted me there for her emotionally, he was there for her sexually. He's got both duties now.

 

Calichick, yep you are correct. I would not have a true friendship with her under those circumstances. That's why I have to continue NC. The heart wants what the heart wants. Even though my mind knows it's over, the feelings linger. Such is the torture of the broken-hearted. Time & God will heal me.

[gardnergirl2]

Well, I am not sure i would call my ex husband a friend, but he hasn't remarried and I haven't either. So, when he comes here to see our son, I let him stay here at the house. I do it for my son. And we talk. I guess we are friends to an extent. He's allowed to come here and celebrate Christmas with my family ( he has no other family in this country ). It's unconventional I guess but I do it for my son.

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

Gardnergirl, how long have you been divorced?

[xmotorcity]

Hi, I have no idea how I ended up visiting this site but after reading this and a few of the other posts, I figured I'd join in. StillWanterHer, I know exactly what your going through as well as being one of the few persons in such a strange relationship as being very close, almost best friends with my Ex. I say almost best friends because while we are closer than ANY other divorced couple I know, we are surely not the same close relationship we had during the pre-marriage years and most of the marriage.

 

Let me give you a little background to answer some of the basic questions you have right off the bat. We dated a year before moving in together, lived together for just over 3 years, was married for 8 years and have been divorced for 2.5 years. She was unable to have children so no kids involved, except for hairy 4-legged ones, which possibly makes the friendship even stranger since there was not a tie that caused us to see each other or have to be civil for kids sake.

 

At first I still had strong feelings for her and was very confused about them and especially made it difficult for me to grasp how I was feeling after we'd get together in the beginning. In the start, after I'd leave her house, I'd be asking myself on the ride home "*** am I doing?". Is it because I want to get back together or did I feel like I owed it either of us or was I hurting myself or her chances of moving on or what, I was unsure. I think I quickly come to realize that we were best friends before and know each other better than anyone else does, but if we somehow did happen to get together again that the relationship would probably quickly go right back to the way it was towards the end which was distant as a married couple could be. I think the saying "I Love the person, I'm just not In-Love with the person any longer" has allot of meaning in our situation.

 

I think we kind of described our relationship pretty well a few weeks ago while talking to an older guy sitting next to us at a bar. During the convo he said something which included the comment about "your husband" while pointing at me and she says "oh were not married...well not anymore, this is my ex-husband". I guess after seeing the somewhat puzzled look on his face, she says "we're great friends and I love him dearly...." to which my quick response was "she loves me but just can't stand me every day of the week".

 

Let me try to answer a couple other questions that I'm sure you're already wondering about....she has a couple male friends that she has had over for dinner or went to movies with etc. but she has commented me and them that she doesn't consider them as anything more than a friend. She has also taken a long weekend trip with one and while she was gone I stayed at her house to dog-sit and I also gave them a ride too and picked them up from the airport. Again, she commented that they went strictly as friends and she paid her half for everything they did. She knows there would be no reason for her to lie to me about any relation she had, especially since she knows that me finding out she was lying to me about it would hurt me more than her just telling me straight away if they were more than friends. There has also been 3 instances where I've stayed the night, such as the 1st xmas after our divorce we went together to a friends Christmas eve party and instead of me going home for a few hours before coming back to spend the holiday together on Xmas I stayed the night and we slept in the same bed. Or a few months ago where we both got bout of the flu and I stayed the weekend. As for me, I have gone out on a date or two but not more than 2x with same girl.

 

So yes, although my relationship with the Ex is definitely not the norm and something that majority of divorced couples could never imagine having or would even want to have with their Ex, (and since we don't have kids, probably makes it seem even stranger to most people) it is something that has worked out okay for us, at least at present time. Oh, also something that probably allowed us to remain such close friends is that we are not the sort of couple who argued often or shouted at each other or were vindictive type people....hell, maybe we are weirdos. lol

[ABetterLifeAwaits]

thanks xmotorcity. I figured there were folks like you out there. I could absolutely end up this way if my ex didn't have a steady BF and if i wasn't still in love with her. But, since neither of those are the case, I just just elected to sever all ties except for our girls. It's way past time for me to move on & it doesn't look like her 8 month relationship is a rebound (or it never would have lasted this long). For me (the brokenhearted one), divorce sucks. I so wish we could have worked it out. The funny thing is that after the 11 months since our D was final, i remember hardly any of the bad stuff and nothing but the good stuff. And we had 13 years of good stuff. Life is weird.

 

Btw, I don't think you're weirdos at all. Any chance for reconciliation between you two?

[xmotorcity]

Due to your situation I agree that your best off to sever ties except for your girls. If all truth were to be known, I probably would have been better off severing ties a long time ago as well. Would have probably been better for us both in long run but its all worked out. Reconciliation? Pretty sure it won't happen. We'll remain friends like before we got married..."Why mess with a good thing, or at least something that works?" lol Life IS weird. Good luck to you

[journeynow]

I've heard of exes, particularly those with kids, still getting together for major holidays, birthdays, and even going out to dinner on occasion & even having the ex over to the house for dinner, cookouts, etc....

So, let's hear the stories of when it can work or why it hasn't.

 

We do these things you've mentioned, and our circumstances contribute to our ability to be friends: together ~30 years, no infidelity or major discord, 2 grown sons in the area, our age and phase of life, we live over an hour apart, we can still talk and laugh as friends, our divorce was amicable and respectful, we are not involved in other romantic relationships, and neither of us want to get back together. We're friends, but not "best friends", and we don't confide everything. I am the one who did not want the break up originally and I suppose that is why I have been the one to set boundaries in the friendship.

[shopgirl37]

Your story smotorcity motivates me. So sweet. Comfy. Love it.