SoLost12 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Well, it's been awhile since I posted. Alot has happened. My mother passed away from a 3 year battle with Cancer. 9 days later a friend who was like a brother to me passed away tragically and suddenly. The past 4 weeks have been emotional. I've felt numb, sad, angry, at times nothing at all. But I've also felt serene, strenght, empowered... alive in a strange way. 7 months after our breakup. I can honestly tell you that in every moment of this pain, I was SO grateful to have him out of my life. I have spent every moment- slowly & painfully pulling myself out of a depression, getting my life back to me. It didn't happen over night. Ahuge leap came only in december, but when that light turned on it really turned on fully. I can now see how every moment spent crying in bed, eating horrible foods, going through bouts of excersize, anger spurts, reading books, posting online ... all of it culminated with the rest I needed to heal myself. I allowed myself to take the time I needed to rest, and then push myself to do things I had never done- for fun. As everyone will tell you on here, it's a must to move on! It is crucial in seeing yourself in a new light- not the worn down, stepped all over dumpee, but as a human with light & integrity. A person people love to get to know (or know all over again- contact friends new & old). And prove to yourself you can do things that you never would've imagined! The pride I allowed to build in my small accomplishments lead to much larger ones. I began by seeing myself for what I had LET happen in my life, not just in my relationship but everywhere else I had accepted less than I deserved. Work. Family Sometimes. It all tied together neatly as a mirrored reflection of my inner self... an unhappy, terrified, under confident, & hopeless soul- seeking approval through the wrong people to be able to even allow her own happiness. I seek nothing, and no approval from anyone but myself anymore. I allow guidance, of course, but I am keenly aware of the bad habits of my past and consciously make better decisions for my present. I see the change in what I allow others to say or how I allow them to treat me... It's a work in progress, but the change is Great! I don't think that had the breakup, all the hurt, unfolded the way it did at the same time of my mom's illness getting worse... I would've been able to stand and deal with everything that has happened in the way that I have. I am exhausted, sad.... I miss them both. It hurts. But I am appreciating the lives of those I've lost, and for the first time in a LONG time I feel like mine will go on as well. The irony in the timing is uncanny. A few short months ago- I couldn't imagine feeling truly happy again for the first time, feeling bouts of confidence again for the first time in years! It's bittersweet... and I'm happy that my mom was able to see me happy before she passed as well. Everyday is different. I felt really sad today. I looked at the first post I ever wrote and realized what a crazy mess my head was in. How shattered I was. Throughout all of this I stayed NC- twice he texted on my Birthday & to pass along condolences about my friend's passing (my Big Bro). In both instances he said he hoped we could 'chill' soon. I declined the first time, and in the latter- given the circumstances, accepted & thanked him for his condolences, and did not dignify his request (at such an inappropriate time) with any answer at all. His birthday is on friday and I will NOT be contacting him. He does cross my mind, I do think of them together- I don't care as much as I used to. I see him for what he is. I'm letting go... slowly, and I hope eventually with more peace. I don't have it all figured out, but I have a plan. I feel better about my direction and purpose in this world.. and I'm slowly setting my plans into motion. I know that my happiness & confidence are my #1 goal... and I am reorienting my life to cater to these goals. This means the job I've never felt good enough for + my own business... the classes, activities, training @ gym, travelling in November for the first time ever-everything! And then maybe, months down the line when my head is together- the right Guy, who mirrors this new me, who actually really cares. My heart is heavy as I write these words... bittersweet doesn't really describe it. I feel like I truly have two more beautiful Angels looking out for me now. And I continue forward, hoping to write another post soon with more progress and happy news... I guess for now I just needed to write it out to the world & Thank you to all those who took the time to read this! Hopefully it will bring Hope too... Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 I am sorry for the loss of your mother and friend. What a lot to go through all at once! You sound like an incredibly strong person, and I am glad that you've found new hope. My best wishes to you, and I hope to see a post with progress and happy news! Thank you for sharing your story. Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 It was lovely to read this post and so inspirational. I am so sorry to hear of your mother's passing and also your close friend. You are a very strong woman to be dealing with all of this in such a dignified way and I hope that you will find true happiness. Link to comment
Limiya Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Such a lovely post. Very sorry to hear about your mom and friend. It's awful and testing when all these bad things happen around the same time. You handled it all wonderfully and came out the other side a stronger person. Fantastic. You can handle anything life throws at you now. Very inspiring Limiya Link to comment
sportsguy9981 Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 You're an inspiration for alot of people on here, it just goes to show that you have to go through the emotions as they pass, and there will be a light at the end if you stay strong. Keep up the good work and you can do this, you'll find the inner peace that you deserve. Link to comment
Loveandlost Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Solost, sorry for your recent losses. Keep doing what you are doing, you are an amazing person who deserves so much better then him. Great job focusing on self, it sounds like things are really turning around for you! Link to comment
John John Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 You really are an inspiration. You have incredible strength and you give me hope in my own life. This past holiday season, I lost my 5 year relationship, my mom's battle with cancer became more turbulent (though she's ok for now), and my cat passed away. It was the worst holiday season ever. I'm not sure what could top it in the future. As you said...I have my good and bad days. The recent days have been hard because i stopped taking anti-depressants (I don't want to be artificially happy) and re-quit smoking. I miss my ex like crazy. But I am soldiering forward and sticking to NC (almost one month NC now). I just have to keep going. Thank you for sharing your amazing story. I hope everything works out for you! Link to comment
SoLost12 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Thank you so much for your responses and your support! I'm sure you can all relate- when you go through these things... and feel so beat down for so long, you forget to acknowledge that you are strong. It's feels foreign to me to read others thinking that of me... but I read stories on here an am in AWE of how people handle them (Limiya for example!) I so appreciate all of your thoughts & condolences!!! Aww Love & Lost... it's nice to hear from you!! Don't think I'd be here without your help either, those long therapeutic- albeit CRAZY rants lol... I truly appreciated every word you offered. I hope you are well MCDJ4Ever. I am so sorry to hear of your mom's condition the passing of your cat... I know all too well thhat a breakup is ENOUGH, let alone everything else. I'm so glad to hear that your mom is stable... I sympathize so deeply with how you must feel. The constant rollercoaster of tests & results... it does live inside you all the time- a fear that they could get worse, the hope that they could get better. It's so hard. Our situations are similar!! I had started and stopped taking anti-depressant & sleeping pills throughout this ordeal.. (I FINALLY found something natural that has helped with both issues) they has helped briefly and then took a turn for the worse. ALSO quit drinking 5 months ago.. A friend said this to me, and I want to pass it along to you... he said that he was incredibly impressed that I quit drinking at a time when I had so much to deal with- when I could have gone the other route. I had never even thought of it this way!! Have you? I'm impressed by YOUR strenght. A 5 year relationship ending is no easy task to cope with... You pushing through the hurt of missing her and keeping NC- that's SO Good. It's Stenght. And It's knowing somewhere inside that you can have SO much more. I don't know your story...(I will most probably stalk your past posts after posting this lol) but if it ended, it means you belong somewhere else. And to something better. I find that looking at life with marvel has helped.... it's so odd to think where I was on his Birthday (last year) and where I am today. This year's Holiday Season for you, will be a moment of Marvel. I wish you Beautiful things... metaphorical rainbows after the storm. I can testify to the fact that time, NC, and focusing inwardly will bring you to a different level of yourself - and you will reap every reward. I feel that I have great things coming on the horizon... and you too Please PM whenever- I would love to chat or offer support whenever you need it. I know the breakup during a parent's illness... I know how crazy, and lost and not yourself you can feel. How this can affect your relationship as well & sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has been down a similar path, make you feel less crazy? haha Talk Soon! Link to comment
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