Crappy with women

[Bauer87]

Hi all,

 

I seem to have this re-occurring problem. I go out with women (few and far between) and after a couple dates, they vanish. I don't think I am ugly or fat, but I can't seem to keep the attraction there. Saturday I went out with this girl, and she is younger than me, pretty and mature. We liked the same things and I even kissed her once. I am about 9 years older than her. But we got along well. We drank for the duration of the night, went back to my place where she crashed on my couch. Next day, we pick up our cars, where she kinda avoided a kiss cause of her hangover headache and she said she'd see this movie with me. I text her two days later (didn't hear from her in that time frame) and she never responded. Needless to say, its probably the last time I'll hear from her.

 

I don't understand. I thought she liked me, or at least enough for a second date. Its really frustrating cause this happens a tonne with me. In fact, I haven't been in a solid relationship in over 13 years. I can attract women Im not interested in or attracted to, but when it comes to women I like, I don't think I do anything wrong, but they never translate into relationships. I feel like Good Luck Chuck, cause shortly after they meet me, they're in new happy relationships.

 

Please help, as I'm getting sick of hearing lets be friends or simply no response when I go out with women.

[Not a rookie]

Do you meet these women online?

[Bauer87]

This one she met me on my bus to work. I met another girl on the bus, but she didnt want kids,

so I wasn't heart broken about that ending.

 

I've met other women online and the results were the same. Some I really didn'tcare if

they worked out or not, but it would be nice if I knew what was driving these women away.

[Steve75]

I was told this by a woman at my job 2 years ago

 

"A woman is never really single and always has guys waiting around just in case it doesn't work out with a certain guy."

 

So this girl probably just went to the next guy.

[Not a rookie]

Actually that is true, Steve75...

[Steve75]

Actually that is true, Steve75...

 

Is that why a man is always congratulated once he announces he is getting married? lol

[Bauer87]

Then how does one get ahead of the curve? Just try to be more interesting and give her less of your time? To all the ladies, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but giving all of your time and listening has gotten me jack so far.

[Steve75]

Then how does one get ahead of the curve? Just try to be more interesting and give her less of your time? To all the ladies, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but giving all of your time and listening has gotten me jack so far.

 

1. Be unpredictable

 

2. Sent random text messages that are out of the norm

 

3. Don't respond to her texts until the next day

 

4. Always make it appear you are evaluating her actions

 

5. Disappear for 3 days and I bet you get a message from her saying......."Hey stranger"

[Moontiger]

I was told this by a woman at my job 2 years ago

 

"A woman is never really single and always has guys waiting around just in case it doesn't work out with a certain guy."

 

So this girl probably just went to the next guy.

 

Well, that has never been true for me or anyone I know.

 

OP, I can't say why these women vanish. There could be a million reason. Dating is a numbers game, the more women you ask out the more dates you will have even of most turn you down.

[Moontiger]

1. Be unpredictable

 

2. Sent random text messages that are out of the norm

 

3. Don't respond to her texts until the next day

 

4. Always make it appear you are evaluating her actions

 

5. Disappear for 3 days and I bet you get a message from her saying......."Hey stranger"

 

This would make me vanish on a guy. No one I have ever said yes to dating has pull anything that's on this list.

[Moontiger]

OP, women and men are more alike then we like to admit. Both want interesting, fun, smart, people to spend time with. So the question isn't really "Why do these girls vanish?" Rather, "How do I become the kind of person girls want to be around?"

 

The answer is to be busy have hobbies, volunteer, travel. This give you a wide range of topics to talk about and reflects your interests and passions.

[Bauer87]

Hmmmm... What about on dates? I think that's where I'm losing them.

 

I have the odd laugh with them, spend 3 - 4 hours with them; but I have a hard time talking

about what makes them tick, what are they passionate about, that "girly" stuff. I try to make the

dates fun and enjoyable, but then I don't really get to know that side of the woman.

 

Long story, less long, do you think its a problem when I make myself too available to them,

spend more time on making them laugh and less on making that connection with them. I thought I

was on the right track when we started talking about Planes Trains and Automobiles being our

favorite movie!

[Moontiger]

Hmmmm... What about on dates? I think that's where I'm losing them.

 

I have the odd laugh with them, spend 3 - 4 hours with them; but I have a hard time talking

about what makes them tick, what are they passionate about, that "girly" stuff. I try to make the

dates fun and enjoyable, but then I don't really get to know that side of the woman.

 

Long story, less long, do you think its a problem when I make myself too available to them,

spend more time on making them laugh and less on making that connection with them. I thought I

was on the right track when we started talking about Planes Trains and Automobiles being our

favorite movie!

 

It sounds to me like the your having trouble connecting with these women. My BF and I meet at a party and we spent probably 15 minuets debating the color of Kevin Bacon's hair, that is the only part of our first conversation I really remember because what I really remember from that first interaction was how respectful he was to me and that's what made me say yes to him (and the fact that he stuttered when asking for my phone number. It was adorable.)

 

Women are people. Just treat them that way. One thing that I think would help is if you make sure to set up the next date at the end of the date you are on, Lets say its date four, at the end of the date say, ask her to see a movie the following weekend, at the end of that date ask her what her schedule is like for the week because there is an art show opening you thought she would enjoy, etc.

[Bauer87]

Damn, I should've used this forum like 13 years ago. I openly admit that I didn't have a solid plan on this date and I probably repeated the same actions that haven't worked. I also understand that not every date is going to be a home run, but I'd like it 3/10 dates actually made it past the first date and 1 turns into a relationship.

 

Its easy for me to blame the girl for giving me a bs excuse, or not one at all, but what actions am I doing to change that? Would you agree that flirting / teasing more, cutting my time with the girl, connecting on an emotional level and still making her laugh would be an acceptable alternative to my current plan of action with dating?

[SpottiOtti]

Hmmm. This is one of those instances where I think we're trying to explain an emotional connection with logic (flirting/teasing more, cutting your time with the girl, etc. - all perfectly logical things - a plan of action). Who can explain why an emotional connection occurs? I think half the time we are connecting on a level that has more to do with things that happened to us a long time ago and made us who we are - things which we have long since forgotten or buried.

 

My thought is that maybe you are coming off as one of those guys who will pretty much date anyone - that you are looking for a relationship and aren't terribly picky about who you have it with. I'm not sure what gave me this impression or if it's correct. But I know that I've picked up on this with other guys in the past, and it's prevented me from taking things any further with them.

[Bauer87]

Would I date anyone? No. I shocked myself actually, as there were two early 20 year olds that wanted to hook up with me

and I declined. I am looking for a relationship first and foremost; but if you're a woman maybe that comes accross as something

different.

 

I know this is no one's business, but if you haven't figured it out, my confidence is not great. In certain things, I will stand up

for myself; but when it comes to women and the job that I despise, my confidence takes a back seat. Networking, being able to

meet the right people, even keeping friends is something I struggle with. If I'm taking anything away from this, its that next date

have a plan. I keep on reading new things to try, but its hard to break out of things that I'm so used to doing.

 

Sorry for the whining. Its definitely a sore spot for me, when opportunities come and opportunities go and I am really guessing

at what went wrong.

[SpottiOtti]

It is definitely hard to break away from things you're used to doing.

 

I would say, if you have to go with a plan, just respect yourself and set boundaries. Like the girl crashing at your place on the couch - that crossed a boundary. Keep your place a mystery for awhile. I think that is what stood out to me about your description of the date - you went out, you got drunk, you told her she could crash at your place. Sends a certain message, you know? That you were comfortable enough with her for her to come into your home so quickly - that would have stood out to me if I were her. I also might have thought that you were trying to get in my pants, and that puts a whole new spin on every interaction you had after that moment. You know?

 

I too struggle with networking and keeping friends. I know how you feel in those areas for sure. I think a lot of us are not so confident when it comes to the opposite sex, too.

[Steve75]

Well, that has never been true for me or anyone I know.

 

OP, I can't say why these women vanish. There could be a million reason. Dating is a numbers game, the more women you ask out the more dates you will have even of most turn you down.

 

 

I don't expect most woman to admit it nor should they.

[Steve75]

This would make me vanish on a guy. No one I have ever said yes to dating has pull anything that's on this list.

 

I don't a woman will vanish if the guy already has intrigued her.

[Not a rookie]

Then how does one get ahead of the curve? Just try to be more interesting and give her less of your time? To all the ladies, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but giving all of your time and listening has gotten me jack so far.

If a guy did that to me I would think he is so boring that he is playing games. Yawn.

[Not a rookie]

1. Be unpredictable

 

2. Sent random text messages that are out of the norm

 

3. Don't respond to her texts until the next day

 

4. Always make it appear you are evaluating her actions

 

5. Disappear for 3 days and I bet you get a message from her saying......."Hey stranger"

 

PUA tactics only attract crazy women, fyi. If a guy disappears on me, he gets on my **** list.

[Not a rookie]

I don't a woman will vanish if the guy already has intrigued her.

IF she is desperate. But you have to remember women have get more offers than men. By ignoring her you are losing miles, there is always some other guy who is showering her with attention.

[itsallgrand]

How old are you , OP?

 

Just cause, the first thing that came to my mind was, if he is actually looking for relationship-material women, why is he taking them out for a night of drinking and then having them crash on the couch and going for a hung-over kiss?

 

Brutal. And yes, it did make me think, this guy does not believe he is of much quality OR he just likes young women and doesn't care that they have such low standards that getting drunk and crashing on the date's couch is an acceptable way to "get to know someone".

 

That is the kind of thing that happens when people are looking for a one nighter or a fling.

[Steve75]

If a guy did that to me I would think he is so boring that he is playing games. Yawn.

 

You are losing site of the fact that when a woman is attracted to a guy she will want to know why he is doing certain things like.....

 

1. not answering the phone

2. not responding to texts in the same day

3. Never being available on Saturday

[Steve75]

IF she is desperate. But you have to remember women have get more offers than men. By ignoring her you are losing miles, there is always some other guy who is showering her with attention.

 

But she will still wonder why that...............one guy.............is no longer giving her attention