sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Long story short, I cheated on my ex many times in an emotional way and destroyed all of her trust. I have since gone and been seeking help in this and doing everything I can to better myself as a person. I see a therapist twice a week for depression already, have started anti depressants and will be seeing my battalion chaplain soon. I have an alcohol problem and am seeking help in that manner, too. She and I met up this past week (tuesday) to hand over the last of some things that were left at each others place's and this gave us a perfect opportunity to talk. My intention was to let her do most of the talking, let her lead the conversation and give her the much needed talk she may or may not have needed. Problem with that is, she really didnt have much to say. She talked to a mutual friend of ours the day prior and told her that she would go in with an open mind, however she had already made up her mind. I talked, I explained my problems, what I was doing to fix them and accepted full responsibility for those actions I did. We were there for maybe an hour at starbucks. I asked her what she was thinking and she said that she couldn't be anymore than friends right now. This sparked my interest so I asked her to clarify by saying, "if you are saying 'right now' to let me down easy, I would rather you just be blunt with me and tell me up front." She responded with, "I am not a fortune teller and cannot predict the future." This gave me hope. Then she threw me for a loop in saying, "Dont wait for me," to which I replied, "good things come to those who wait." She nodded. Wednesday night our mutual friend decided it was good for her to ask how it went to get her side of the conversation. My ex told her that, although I have said I am taking steps to get better, and taking all these classes, etc, she doesnt know if she can believe me. "If I cant trust him on the small things, it's never going to work." So our friend asked, "if he asks me if there is a chance... what do I tell him?" That pissed me off... but she replied, "Friends. Just friends." Well she texted me last night asking questions about the method of cheating. questions like, "did you ever physically cheat on me," to which I said no, and "did you ever meet up with anyone, "to which I said yes and explained both times, but never had moved past the initial meeting. She said that's all she needed to know and thank you for the truth, if thats what it was. Then said, she figured that since I have nothing to lose, I would be able to tell her the truth now. She also explained that one of the sales guys that she works with wants to start dating her, yet she cant see past the lies and doesn't think she is ready to start dating again. I explained to her that I still have everything to lose and asked her if she could hear me out. She agreed. I explained to her that I am still in love with her and asked her for 60 days for her to "observe" so that I am able to prove to her that I am making the changes. She said she cant, not from 150 miles away and even if I was there, she doesnt think that she could. She then said, "since we are being honest with each other, the other night when we talked, and you asked me if I was dating, I lied. I am not dating, but when we went out to the bar that night, I did sleep with one of the guys I work with." Why would she tell me that? She told me that someone at her dealership wants to start dating her, but she cant trust right now and doesnt think that she is ready to date, yet she will tell me that she slept with someone. Is it wrong of me to still have hope that I can turn this thing around? I began this morning a no contact with her. It hurts too badly to keep being there for what seems like an emotional punching bag, but she has every right to make me hurt after what I did to her. Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 I asked her, what did she feel when I would look into her eyes and touch her face, she said peace. She then said that it wouldnt be fair to anyone else if she didnt allow them the opportunity to prove themselves. She still maintained the "I cant predict the future." though Link to comment
faithful25 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 You didn't really cheat on her if you never had sex with anyone else , maybe you got yourself in a little bit of a mix up. What did you do really? And what u lied about ? Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 I got on dating websites and talked to other women. I hid those things from her and when asked about them I would lie about them. Link to comment
shessofly Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 yeah that was cheating. kudos on your steps toward positive change. just because you have finally decided to get some help doesn't mean all the dirt you did disappears. you broke her trust and that's not something that is easily restored, if ever. i have been through something similar. for me there is no going back. Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 regardless if the man can show the level of change he so desperately needs? Link to comment
faithful25 Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 Why were you on the dating sites to began with! Did u explain to her as to why u did it? I had a similar issue but me and my boyfriend are together. Listen everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect u realized you did wrong, she knows about this and its her who has to forgive, I'f she don't move on and dont beat yourself over it. You feel guilty for a reason , it served its purpose. Try but dont try to much, if she see the good she will stay . Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 because I was lonely and wanted something for a temporary fix. I was being selfish. I explained it but after 10 times and each time she stayed, she just cant trust me anymore. She has come to that realization. I believe that time does heal wounds. She has told me she has forgiven me, and thats why she wants to be friends, but I cannot be a friend with someone I have such high hopes in being more than friends with... I just feel like its false hope right now. Link to comment
shessofly Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 you should spend A LOT of time working on yourself. let that be your primary focus. after ten times you had more than enough chances. sorry, i think you need to take her at her word now. she said friends only. if you can't handle that then you should probably just stay away for awhile Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 Absolutely agree with you 100%. Link to comment
becomingkate Posted February 2, 2013 Share Posted February 2, 2013 I see a therapist twice a week for depression already, have started anti depressants and will be seeing my battalion chaplain soon. I have an alcohol problem and am seeking help in that manner, too I just wanted to jump in to say good for you. Even if you don't get back together with your ex, you will have a much more fulfilling and peaceful relationship with the next girl that you fall in love with, and that is a good thing. Here's a poem I see a lot around social media: People come into your path for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do with that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a dificulty… To provide you with guidance and support… To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually… They may seem like they are a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die… Sometimes they walk away… Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand…. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled… Their work is done. The prayer you sent up has now been answered and now it is time to move on. Some people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons. Things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life… Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime ~ unknown author Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 thats really good. I just hate to think that its only a seasonal relationship. I do have hope that things will get better, although if they dont, at least I am making the necessary steps to get where I need to be. Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 I feel that no contact with her will allow her to remember the good times we had, not the bad. Link to comment
sittinlow Posted February 2, 2013 Author Share Posted February 2, 2013 why does she keep texting me asking questions about the breakup and relationship???? Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Out of all if that she said "don't wait for me" so don't. There is not hope right now. She told you exactly what she feels. I am sorry. I'm going through a similar situation with my ex not knowing what they want. But bottom line, "don't wait for me" means its done Link to comment
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