omg :*(

[Only]

ugh, I don't know where to start and have a feeling this may be long.

I really need some advice or something though. I can't think straight

 

I met my boyfriend almost 2 years ago and we hit it off like nothing else!

Like, fireworks-love at first sight-soul mate, hit it off.

People noticed us and always commented on what a great couple we were.

Everything was perfect and honestly felt like it always would be!

 

So after 4 months we moved in with eachother and on our first anniversary, talked about how famously we get along with eachother, have the same sense of witty humor and always make eachother laugh, have fun with eachother no matter what we are or arent doing, feel completely comfortable around/talking to eachother, have an amazing bedroom life and just generally about how madly in love we are for one another and how blessed and special we felt. He started to enthusiasticly bring up the idea of marriage and future plans, which I was totally down with!

 

At last, I had met my ideal perfect mate. life was great!

 

3 short months after our anniversary and talk, we go out and party it up on St Patricks Day. We had a totally great time like always and nothing seemed unusual. The next morning, I woke up and went to the washroom to do my business. As I was sitting on the toilet, I hear him shout from the door that he needs to be let in so he can go. I explained to him that I was in the middle of doing my thing and I would be out in 2 minutes.

He freaked! "That's it, it's over! I'm sick of you!"

 

I was completely blown away and had no idea what the heck was going on.

I had no warning (since there hadn't been any warning signs) So there I was, sitting on the toilet, dumped, confused and wondering what I possibly did to make him act in such an out off the ordinary way.

 

I followed (chased lol) him to the bedroom and asked him what was going on. he said "I just don't like your attitude lately and I don't think it's going to work" my attitude? I honestly hadn't been acting any different than I always do and it seemed like a flimsy half baked excuse. I said "fine" and left the room to clear my head. He came in the room only 5 minutes later and said he was sorry, that he didnt mean it and the stress of his job has him edgy and looking for something/anything to take it out on.

We reconciled though I secretly felt very confused and afraid that it might be an omen of a serious break-up. After a few days of things being normal, I got over it and treated it like nothing more than a poorly handled "bad day".

 

March - first breakup (mentioned above)/ he changed his mind

April - dumped me again (this time I cried)/he started to cry when I did and changed his mind.

May -dumped again/I left to go make plans at my mothers and he chased me down the street saying he didn't mean it.

June-dumped AGAIN/this time I didn't take him seriously and just went to bed (he had changed his tune in the morning)

July-more dumping lol/after a great big heart to heart about pretty much nothing that we didnt already know, he changed his mind

August-yep, dumped/ This time I got angry and said I TOO wanted out. He cried and changed his mind

September-At which point of being dumped so much would i figure out its time to go? lol/Made plans for packing and moving date and when things started going in the boxes, he changed his mind *jeeez* I told him that the next time he did it, I really would leave.

October-He did it again and in mid-break-up changed his mind.

 

So now, here I am. Lastnight we both got home from work and he excitedly wanted to rent some movies, curl up in bed to snuggle and have a romantic movie night. He suddenly started acting stand-offish and cold so I asked him what was wrong (like i didnt know!) yep, he dumped me and told me he wanted me out by the end of this weekend. I left the room to cool off and heard him starting to pack my stuff! this was new and suddenly a scary territory. He had changed his mind so often that I thought it was just another one of those days. I decided it would be best to talk to him and defuse the situation. He was so cold and distant that I hardly even recognized him. This time it seemed very real!

I tried talking to him about but all he did was play the blame game and start getting pissy about anything and everything. He even said some extremely hurtful, cold and un-necesary things. We agreed That I will move out at the the end of the month so I can save up some money for an apartment of my own and I'm now sleeping on a couch in the other room.

 

Just 2 nights before, he was asking me things like "do you love me? do you still find me attractive and sexy? do you still want to move away with me? do you still feel like we have a future?"

He seemed very worried about it and naturally I calmed his fears. He said he felt better and was really worried that I was losing interest and that he didn't know how to fix it if I was. He gave me a giant hug and told me he loved me so much. Why would he worry about those things just to dump me 2 days later?

 

I tried talking to him about it again this morning and suddenly "I want us to still be friends" and "I really do love you, I just dont think this will work"

turned into "I dont ever want to see you again after you move and want you out of my life for good!" and "I don't love you anymore. I just said that so your feeling wouldn't be anymore hurt than they already are. I'm actually relieved that you're leaving!"

 

holy $#!+, who is this person!? He suddenly seems like a totally different guy (a really evil one!) and acts like he had never had a damn feeling for me and I'm nothing more than some trash that needs to be taken out.

 

Needless to say i'm extremely confused, heart-broken, scared and my self esteem feels like its taken a massive nose-dive into the rocks.

 

I'm in a really bad place right now and I can't stop crying. He's waltzing around the house like nothing happened while I'm reduced to a teary kleenex coated lump on the couch. I know that it's pointless to try and fix this since it's obviously been dissected to a point beyond repair, even though I desperatly want nothing more than to stay together with him.

 

For some reason I need to know why he would constantly breakup with me and then turn around sobbing like a baby for me to stay..and now mean it.

I know I need to grieve (and oh boy, have i ever!) and start working on closure but it seems to me that closure means figuring out wtf this guys problem is. I need any advice or opinions you might have.

 

Sorry this was so long, but I needed to get it out of my head and off my chest. I'm still kind of in the denial faze and think/hope he might change his mind or there is something i can say or do to change it for him.

sheesh

 

I keep asking him why he wants to breakup with me but he won't tell me.

I asked if he had met someone or if I had done something wrong and he said no (he doesnt lie, ever, so i believe him). I said "I know you want to breakup and even though I REALLY don't, I just need to know why! I can't start to move forward without some closure and I'll go mad wondering why we broke up! Just tell me what changed for you and why this can't possibly be worked out" he told me to drop it and left the house for groceries (not before telling me that I wasn't allowed to eat his food)

 

I can't think straight for more than a few minutes before my mind starts wandering and I really need some advice or opinions

Help!

[catgirl82]

dear only

i am sooo sorry you went through those mind games and on that emotional roller coaster. i can relate to your story. my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year and a half. in the beginning, it was just how you described, totally amazing. we were so happy to have found eachother. seeing that we're only in our early 20s, moving in together wasnt really an option (we were at college). my boyfriend has gone through some weird periods where he feels overwhelmed and feels like he cant handle the relationship (too much work, too much stress, he cant be teh boyfriend i need him to be). so, hes made us take so many "breaks" probably like once every month or so. it drove me absolutely crazy. he insisted that we should be friends and then date when he felt more ready for a relationship. i put up with this for a while. while we wre on a break, everything was the SAME, so i thought it was stupid that he refused to call it dating. it got to a point where i was crying one day, happy the next. it was this horrible emotional roller coaster. i finally put my foot down and said thats it, these breaks are making me feel really sad and crazy and emotional all the time. so i broke up with him. he called me 4 days later, crying (sound familiar) and we had a real heart to heart. i told him that these breaks were unacceptable, that i deserved stability and security, and i would settle for nothing less. he agreed that i was right. so now, no more breaks.

 

anyway, the point of my story is, i understand what you went through. i think perhaps you guys moved in together too soon- before you really were ready. after 4 months, everything always seems wonderful and amazing. but after a few more months you start to see faults in that person that you never saw before. perhaps your boyfriend was seeing faults in you and he kept it all bottled up inside until one day he burst. i really think it would be good for you 2 to spend some time apart, take a little break from eachother. it sounds like your boyfriend doesnt know what he wants. when he sees what his life is like without you, he'll better understand why he loved you so much in the first place. my instinct tells me that you guys will be ok after some time spent apart.

 

dont call/email/visit during this time!! its important that you really let him realize how empty his life would be without you in it. and if he decides he truly is happier that way, then you need to know this now, because then that is a relationship that you dont want to be a part of.

[boochanik2]

to tell you the truth for im a guy, i think that you should tell him that you love him and tell him that he does alot for you for he needs to feel that he is needed for real no joke its a man thing for i think that he still cares but i think that he needs your help tell him that you are all his and that you make him happy for us guys need to know that stuff

 

a book that you should read for this stuff i have read it and it help me know women better and that is men are from mars and women are from venus the best book i have read for couples and i think that all couples should read it for it will open you mind to what he is thinking and needs to have be done to get this done for there are times when realtionships get bad for i would say if you love him then i would stick to this get the book and read it and tell him that he is the best thing in your life..... for im sorry that he keeps dumping you then getting back together thats hard stick with it

[Only]

Thanks for the reply ctgirl82

 

It's strange *L* I suddenly feel about 50% better since I posted that!

 

He left for groceries about, I dunno, 7 hours ago lol but I don't find myself anticipating his return, worrying what he might really be doing or where he is or anything like that. I mean, I'd be lying if I said they didn't cross my mind, but I'm secretly glad he isn't home and I don't have to deal with his crappy attitude and death glares.

 

I decided to make a pot of coffee (caffeine is always a "good" idea during these times and write down the things that are bothering me about the breakup. I was pretty surprised when I read the answers!

 

Almost all of them were things like:

-I don't want to move. I'll need to buy things like a bed, dishes, shower curtain etc. Financial strain.

-I dont want to be alone. Sleeping alone and coming home to an empty place will be weird.

-He has really cool stuff and I wont be able to use it anymore lol (harsh)

 

Things like that. Nothing that has to do with him as a person or things I will miss about him. I do totally love him! But ...Now I'M starting to wonder why and what I was or would have benefited from this relationship.

 

Thats too bad about you and your ex. I'm sorry but also happy that you found the strength and courage to jump a sinking a ship.

I myself tend to hang on for dear life until its nothing but wreckage and worthless. Breakups are a living hell that I wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. (well, maybe

 

I am still curious as to why we broke up, but in the end, I guess it doesnt matter. The point is, he obviously doesnt want to be with me and I should accept it. I think I'm curious as to why because I'm still looking for that last little shred of hope. Maybe if he says he wants to breakup because I have brown hair, I can dye it! Or if he feels like we dont talk enough, I can chatter up a storm! But when I have a rational moment *L* I know that I shouldnt have to change myself to be accepted and loved

(even though it seems a lot easier than dealing with a bruised heart)

 

But I do think you may be right!

I have a really big feeling that after a bit, i'll get an email or a phone call from him. I'm not going to count on it or wait for it to happen tho.

 

I have already decided that i'm going to hastily pack all my things while he's at work one day and head over to my moms. That was the last place I wanted to end up, but I know that I'm only using the "let me stay till the end of the month and save up some cash so I can get my own place" line because I just want an excuse to stick around and more than likely try to change his mind. I think he knows that too.

 

I feel ok. I get bent out of shape when I think that I spent almost 2 years with him for nothing. kinda cheated or robbed. But I think thats normal and I'll get over it.

 

I'm sure I'll wake up tomorrow and be like "what the hell, i'm NOT ok with this..omg this isnt happening...wah,wah,wah!"

But it will get less intense with each day and eventually the first thing i think of in the morning will be what to have for breakfast and not how i can win him back.

 

*keeping optomistic*

[Belle]

Only,

 

I think that you've got some clarity there. It doesn't matter why. It only matters that at this time he doesn't want to be with you and honestly, you've put up with far more $#@ than I would. Granted, I'm not that tolerant when it comes to boy's bad behavior tho.

 

You will get over this. This won't be on your mind forever. The sooner you get out of there, the sooner you can get on with your life, heal and hopefully find someone who's stabler. Your guy almost sounds bipolar. Or at the very least similar to a woman on pms.

 

As a wise friend of mine once told me, what can hurt a man worse than anything is a woman who walks away and never looks back. It has also been my experience.

 

At the very least, hold out for a really good long time until he's proven that he's calmed down and knows what he wants. Maybe a really really long break will do the trick.

 

best of luck,

 

belle

[Only]

Hi boochanik2,

 

I HAVE read that book lol. And yeah, I would always tell him that I love him, appreciate him, find him attractive/sexy, how smart and funny he is, how happy he makes me and all that jazz. I'm not a nag (my mother is so i know how nerve grating it is and avoid doing it at all costs) I dont critisize or belittle, I accept that he likes different things than me and even join in on his interests even though they might bore or unappeal to me. I dunno... I think I'm a pretty cool girlfriend!

 

But I think the problem isn't with me not making him feeling special, appreciated and wonderful ..but with his self esteem or something.

 

A comment he said almost immediately after he dumped me struck me as odd. He said "I don't think you can live without me!"

And almost looked smug or something.

 

What is the point of a comment like that?

I'm now suspecting that he uses the breakups as a weird way to mega boost his self esteem. Nothing makes you feel "better" than someone crying their face off, begging for another chance, professing their eternal and almighty love for you and basically acting like you are the sun and the moon. "right?"

 

I think he's cruel, wishy-washy and as much as I do love him, a waste of time. I'm sure at this point I'd probably get back together with him if he asked LOL

But I'D be the one demanding changes and putting MY foot down for a change. At the same time..the thought of rejecting HIM is a nice little daydream

 

I'm glad I overcame my intense desire to trash all of his electronics though lol

[evy38]

Hi only,

This behavior doesn't sound normal to me. Could he be ill, either physically or mentally or could he have started using drugs? I don't mean to put the extra worry on you, but his behavior doesn't seem rational, even for breakup behavior.

Also, time for you to get the bed. He can sleep on the couch.

[Only]

evy,

The bed sounds nice! Lastnight was my first night on the couch and I dont think my back will put up with it for too long. I think I can stick it out tho for a week until I pull a vanishing act. I want as little contact/confrontation as possible.

 

His behavior IS weird!

he doesnt and never will do drugs and physically, he seems fine.

 

I started wondering, after reading an article about it, if he is a commitmentphobe. He fit all the traits on the checklist and it would explain why he is so "stay/no, go"

 

I'm pretty sure that this time he means it tho since he left to get groceries and when I caught a glimpse of the list, it said "vacuum, iron, ironing board" ..you know, stuff that i own and will be taking with me.

 

I really dont know what the heck is up with that guy, but if anyone has an idea or has seen this type of thing before...please let me know!

[Only]

omg omg omg!!!

 

I feel like I'm gonna be sick

 

He told me he was leaving to get groceries at 2:30pm yesterday and never came home. He even wrote up a grocery list.

 

I started to wonder what was taking him so long at around 7 but remembered I saw things on the list like vacuum/iron/clothes hamper etc so I figured maybe he went to walmart too. Either way, stores close at 9pm and when it hit 10:30 I realised something wasn't right.

 

I mean, I know we've broken up ...but its only been one day!

Is it normal for someone to disregard your feelings, disrepect you and just downright act like a massive creep that fast?

 

It's going to be so hard not to bombard him with questions when he gets home. ARG!!!

[evy38]

Hi Only,

I really think there is more going on here then a normal breakup. Please keep us posted and watch out for yourself. Your man sounds like he is becoming unstable.

[Only]

p.s.:

 

I'm starting to get the impression that he doesnt know what the heck he wants and hes going through some sort of inner tug-o-war?

[Only]

Evy,

What do you mean? like..what do you think might be going on?

please elaborate cuz i think you might be right but i cant really place what it is. also, do you mean unstable like he might get violent?

 

He actually just got home 2 hours ago and without me even having to ask

(tho, my pride already decided i wasnt going to ask!) he told me he was getting on the train and decided to just go to his friends and spend the night there since he was so angry and get his groceries today.

 

I went and got some groceries of my own today and decided to get all the foods i could never or rarely eat because he allergic or just doesnt like them.and lots of chocolate! *L*

 

When he got home he saw the food in the fridge and seemed really surprised and asked where it came from. I said "well,you told me I'm not allowed to eat your food so I got my own of course" he had a stupid look on his face and seemed like he just couldnt believe that I had gotten groceries for myself. like what the heck, did he expect me to starve? lol

 

He suddenly started acting really nice and even asked if I wanted to watch tv with him. I said yes because i thought it wouldnt do anyone any good to lurk around and avoid eachother for the few days I'll still be here.

He went to take a bath but didnt ask if i needed to use the facilitoes before he got in. so i ended up knocking and saying "could you please close the shower curtain so i can go pee? sorry" he said "ok, come in" and had NOT closed the curtain. He said that we had seen eachother naked a million times so what did it matter. I felt weirdly uncomfortable with it.

 

Anyways, he starts talking to me while I'm sitting on the toilet peeing lmao

And said something like "I know that you want to work things out and are looking for any reason to hang on to this relationship, but it isnt that easy because the plain and simple fact is that I just dont love you, ok? there is no point in being optomistic or hopeful that this might blow over or that I might change my mind in a few months. i'm done with you and I will NEVER want you back.EVER!"

 

I couldnt believe my ears.

We broke up and sure, I cried, begged and made a general jerk out of myself for a few hours,but by the next day and up until now, I haven't brought it up, cried, glared ..anything! I've acted like he's just a room-mate or a friend because I honestly am starting to accept it (tho it does have it hard moments like when he doesnt come home and my mind gets going)

 

anyways, I started to grin or something and then actually laughed!

I couldnt believe I was laughing in his face! I was like "That WAS what I wanted, and yes, I wanted that very much...but i'm seeing things a little more clearly now and you are right. this will NEVER work EVER, and dont you worry hunny, If you were the last man on earth..I wouldnt even get in line!"

 

lmao and then get this, he actually said "Now hold on, I didnt say that it was carved in stone, I cant predict the future and be 100% sure that I wont regret this and want you back. At this current moment this is how I feel, But i'm not a fortune teller. Maybe if we dont talk for a few months and clear our heads we can give it a second chance"

 

piss off lol

I said "we'll see" but i'm pretty confident that after a few weeks on my own, i'll enjoy being single again! So 20 minutes later, i'm reading in "my room" and he comes in and asks for the laundry key. I told him I didnt have it and if it wasnt where it always is than i dont know where it is. and he lost it!

"RARGHH! its one thing after another with you! It's like you have this knack for accidentally screwing things over for me!!!"

what the heck? how is a missing key my fault!?

 

oh, now he's knocking on the wall to let me know there is a good show on. like a passive way of saying he's saying he's sorry.

what the heck is with this guy!?

 

I really dont know what to make of his wishy-washy attitude towards me or what might be going on in his head.

Any ideas or suggestions?

[boochanik2]

hello there again!!!!! for i think that you need to leave him your need to get out of this mess and let him deal with it

[CharlieGurl]

Hi Only,

Well, this guy sounds like he's very confused...and probably not only about you but everything else in his life as well.

 

I dated a guy like this a few years ago...for 2 years we were together, off and on. We'd be going along great and I thought things were so good (just like in the beginning for you), and then for no reason, he would stop talking to me at school (we were in College at the time), and then not call me or anything and I would just have to assume we were broken up since he wasn't talking to me! It was absolutely ridiculous. But, a few weeks would go buy and then he'd call me again, I'd go over and we'd be right back where we left off...but I was always too afraid to talk about things because I thought he'd end it again.

 

So, he'd do this again and again...5 times total in 2 years, until I finally said I didn't want to get back together because I was becoming a total mess with him and wasn't myself anymore blah blah blah. Well, he lost his mind. He went nuts trying to get me back and eventually I caved and went back to him and I ended it in the end because i just couldn't deal with it all anymore. And he begged and pleaded...but I just couldn't do it.

 

Sorry to babble...but, I just think with guys like that...they need a lot of time to sort themselves out..probably more time than you're willing to hand over...and i think if you got back together this would just keep happening over and over and over until YOU put a stop to it.

 

I do think a break from each other will tell a lot.

 

You seem like a very intelligent and warm person with a good head on your shoulders. Even people like us (hee hee) can get caught up with these types of guys. I, too, work at relationships until there's absolutely nothing left but the crumbs of my broken heart (i'm so poetic!! lol)...but at some point, it's time to let it go...move on...

 

His problems aren't fixable by you right now. Only by him. And I think it will take a long time with this guy. He seems very unstable.

 

Move out...get your own place...buying your own stuff is fun. Make your place how YOU want to. In time, if he sorts himself out...who knows? But for now, you are much better off without him!!!

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[evy38]

I don't know Only, I'm not a doctor. But his mood swings are a little scary. I agree with the last poster. Get out now, even if you need to spend a couple weeks at a friends. He is very angry at you, unless you are doing things and not telling us, he has no good reason for his anger. He seems contemptous as well. Did he ever behave this way to other people he didn't like? Has he treated people he didn't like or family members he was angry at, in a similiar fashion? If you've never seen these kind of violent negetative emotions from him and they came on so suddenly and there really were no signs of this coming, I'd look for another reason for him behaving like he's 2 different people.

[Only]

boochanik,

I know. But he gives me mixed messages! Just lastnight after he knocked on the computer room to let me know there was a good show on I should come watch (thats what we do, its better than shouting for them or god forbid..getting up lol) He says "I don't think we should sleep with anyone for the next few months in case there is the chance of working things out after we have some space and time to clear out our heads and bad feelings. Who knows, you might be gone for a few weeks and I'll end up horribly regretting it." Then, he even got me to pinky-swear (lol) that neither of us would sleep with anyone for at least 3 months. I said "what about dating?" and he goes "well thats a bit different, what if i meet my dream girl?" GRRRR!!!! He got my hopes my hopes up just to smash them down again by telling me that I'm not his dreamgirl. Why would he get me to make that deal if he is so sure that I'm not the dreamgirl he is looking for? *throws arms down* ...MEN!!!! *stomp stomp stomp*

 

daisy,

I agree with you there. He can be very indecisive about things!

I think he's starting to play mind games with me now and thats the last thing I want to deal with.

We were watching a movie and he got up to get a drink. When he came back he sat down RIGHT beside me.

I realised I was starting to read too much into a seating arrangement (its not like he sat on my lap lol)

and focused on the movie. I was leaning forward while watching it and he was relaxed back against the couch leaning a bit away from me. Anyways, I started to yawn and lean backwards to get comfy and rest my back against the couch when I realised the back of my head was on his shoulder! I opened my eyes and saw out of my periferal vision that he had somehow managed to quickly sneak up and throw his shoulder behind me as I was yawning and leaning back. Just as I was about to sit forward again, he rested his head on top of mine and really quietly went "mmmm"

what the hell!? So stupid me gets the warm fuzzies, turns into a goo-brain and just lets him do. He only did it for about 3 seconds before he sits up, looks at me and starts playfully messing up my hair. Then he starts leaning in while saying "I still think you're a total cutie!" and JUST before (about 5 inches) what appeared like he was going to kiss me, he veered his head off to the side, and then sat back to watch tv again. JERK!!!!

 

Lastnight I went to bed thinking things like "well, if he didnt love me anymore and despised me as much as he claims, he wouldnt get me to make promises and do things he know will make me second guess what is going on.

maybe this IS something that a little time apart will mend!"

 

But then I woke up this morning and saw it differently. I know that even if this is something that time apart could mend, the amount of time required is a LOT, and chances are...by the time I felt no resentment and was able to feel completely relaxed and free of eggshells around him, It would probably be because I'm over him.

 

I guess I'm not as strong as I thought because I suddenly felt emotionally sick and tired and ended up calling in to work. I think I'm going to call my mom and ask her If I can go there before the end of the week..and as much as I wanted to wait until friday/payday so i could rent a storage facility for my stuff and get all my things out in one swoop, I need to get out of here! I dread having to come back and get my things though. ugh-ugh-ugh!

[Only]

evy,

I have been totally honest about everything! I think thats why my posts end up so large *L* so that I let everyone know exactly what happened so they can interpret it as best as possible. He did tell when we broke up that it was because he just didn't think it was going to work and he doesnt even want to bother trying.

Of course, in between big sexylol gusts of snot and tears I was like "why won't it work? why dont you want to try? what has happened that made you feel that way? etc"

 

He just kept telling me to forget it, it doesnt matter why and then ended up telling me that it was because he just doesnt love me anymore and cant stand me as a person. I had a hard time accepting that answer since he had shown no signs of being repulsed by me or not wanting to be around me. Up until the breakup we were going out and doing fun things together, adult things *wiggles eyebrows* you know what i mean *L*, laughing, talking ..stuff!

When he told me he didnt love me anymore I saw his eyes get glossy and one of them twitched. He is a horrible liar and I instantly thought he was just saying that to hurt me and make it easier for him/me to breakup since there is no reconciling lost love. Then again, I'm now thinking the twitchy glossy eyes was probably anger.

 

Contemptuous seems like the perfect word to explain how he is acting! And since he wouldnt tell me what I had done to make him feel this way I can only assume it's because of back when I didn't have a job for 3 months.

He started getting REALLY pissy about me being unemployed after 2 weeks and it just got worse for the next couple of months until I finally found one. He reacted really weird to the whole thing and while I have never had a history of being a layabout unemployed bum, he treated me that way! Another thing is, I had some money saved up and was able to still contribute for 2 of the 3 months. He knew I was out there pounding the pavement looking for a job but he would act like I had lazed around all day. I just dont know..there was only 1 month where he had to bear the financial burden and i even ended up paying him back!

 

I have only seen him act this way to someone once before and that was to a friend that had stolen a DVD from us and pawned it. He was instantly like "Chris is no longer welcome in our house and if you want to go out and do things with him, fine, but I want nothing to do with him"

 

There was at least a logical reason as to why he felt that way towards Chris.

Things would make so much more sense and be alot easier if I just knew why he was acting this way.

 

This might be silly, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe its because he has an interest or is involved with someone and is feeling torn? While the outcome is still bleak, it would at least explain why this happened and I can have some sort of closure and not wonder for weeks/months what the heck went wrong.

 

I've already decided that i'm getting the heck out of here though so thankfully i wont have to put up with mind-games and wishy-washy vibes. I do really want to know why this happened though. I guess it will remain a mystery.

[boochanik2]

ONLY, for i think that your a great person for all the things that you have been talking about it seems that he is an idiot, for your a great person and you need to stick up for your self for he will feel the pain after you leave trust me, man are dumb and i can say that for me also for you need to leave cut him off and start fresh.... For there are tones of guys out there!!!! but take it slow

 

 

good luck

keep pasting about whats going on???

 

talking it out is a good thing

[Only]

Boochanik,

 

Thank you normally such kind advice in a situation like this would just go in one ear and out the other because, well, lets face it ...No one can say anything to make a heartbroken person feel better. They will constantly ask what they should do or how to handle it and no matter how many people tell them or times they are told, they just dont want to hear the innevitable. move on. (I know cuz I'm one of 'em!

 

BUT, something happened lastnight (Monday) that seemed like pure hell when it happened and ended up being a blessing in disguise.

 

In previous posts you may have read, I mentioned about how he left for groceries early Saturday evening and never came home cuz he decided to go hide at his friends house overnight lol and then get groceries on his way home, Sunday. Well, yesterday I see that he couldn't have been bothered to pick up all the plastic grocery bags that were scattered accross the kitchen floor so I decided I'd just do it.

 

I was picking them all up and piece of paper fell on the floor. I flipped it over to read it and it was just the grocery bill receipt. Nothing special, until the 3rd item on the list jumped out at me and punched me in the gut.

"CONDOMS - $8.50" ...........ARGGHHHRAAAGH!!!!

 

Holy crap was I furious! We hadnt even been broken up for a full 48 hours and he was already stocking up and obviously quite ready/or IS knockin' the boots with someone. Someone that isn't me! *insanely jealous*

 

Up to this point I had never gotten angry with him or yelled at him.

I pretty much just kept to myself and avoided as much confrontation as possible until it was time to go. Well, ...plans changed!

 

I burst into the room where he was, angrily shook the receipt in has face and layed into him. Oh god, the look on his face was better than any expensive chocolate truffle or luxurious day at the spa!

 

I got in the shower to relax since I was a tense as a guitar string and became aware that I was smiling! I felt REALLY good and suddenly I wasn't scared to move on or angry thinging about how he doesnt love me anymore or that he will one day have another girlfriend. I felt strangely free and almost excited to be done with this. (i hate moving tho, lifting stuff sucks

 

The ball is totally on my side of the court now, in a sense, because I have reached the point where I will not allow myself to be hurt by him.

Actually, right now even (a whole day later) I still feel fine!

 

I'm hoping i'm not in some sort of weird traumatic shock and think i'm ok when I'm really going to have a nucleur meltdown at some point.

But I dont think so because I dont feel numb to anything and everything and i feel generally content and looking forward to ditching this SOB lol.

 

My stuff is all packed and I just have a few loads of laundry to go.

might aswell do them here since the machines arent coin-op. *teehee*

And Immediately after work tomorrow I'm swinging by here to grab my stuff and i'll be in and out before he gets home. YAY!

 

I think I'm gonna be just fine and it seems like hes the one now that needs to cope. I emailed him this morning letting him know that I was sorry it didnt work out, i was sorry he felt so hostile and wishy-washy towards me , that I would be gone tomorrow before he got home, that i forgave him, and I EVEN told him he could keep the cat!

 

His reply ---- "(Profanity deleted by Moderator) "

 

lol jeez, youd think he would be happy!

 

I'm not counting myself in the clear yet though. I might spend a few days away and then get lonely and weird about it again. We'll see *crosses fingers*

[evy38]

Good for you, Only. I think he wasn't the man he pretended to be and those condoms showed him for what he was worth. You deserve better. Come back here if you get lonely and want to talk to him, we'll keep you company instead. Better still, get out there and find the love you deserve. After you've fully enjoyed your freedom, that is.

[DBL]

I didn't see this thread until tonight...could of saved you some grief for a couple of days.

 

Not that you don't know this already but yeah your relationship is done. If he doesn't have a new girl yet, then he has one in mind. The whole "don't have sex for 3 months" thing is stereotypical of a guy that wants to explore what is out there and then make sure he has some untainted goods to come home to...that being you. It is not mood swings...guess you can say hormones maybe. He thinks there is something better for him out there then you.

 

It really would not surprise me much if he comes crying back to you, because whatever he has going on, he is not secure with.

 

Good Luck

DBL

[evy38]

I'd give the mans' words some thought. They are usually right when explaining outher mens behavior.

[Only]

I think I might have done something stupid!

 

I was rushing around in the morning making sure that I had everything I needed, packing up the stuff I had left out like my toothbrush, deoderant etc. and double checking each room to make sure I hadn't forget anything.

 

He was awake too (we get up the same time for work) and following me from room to room watching me. I kept expecting him to say something rude or petty and probably try to start a fight, but he didn't. *whew!*

 

Finally he says what he obviously was wanting to say..

"I think i'm going to miss you when you're gone "

 

I was contemplating what to say when he says "What do you think taking a break is?" I said "Taking is a break means exactly what it implies. We stop talking to eachother and being around eachother for a while, under the pretense that we will "try" to work things out or that things will have worked themself out, after a certain amount of time. .....why?"

 

he goes "I was thinking that maybe we should try taking a break? I mean, we ARE broken up and we won't talk to eachother anyways, but what could it hurt to catch up over coffee in a few months and see what happens?"

 

It strangely made sense to me so i agreed.

In a nutshell, we ended up deciding that we won't have ANY contact with eachother for a few months, we won't date or sleep with anyone and we won't use the break time to anticipate seeing eachother again or meet up with the hopes or intentions that we are or will be getting backing together. If we do meet up and there is no interest from either him or me to bother trying again, then we walk away. He said that 4 months or so sounded good.

 

When I got home from work to get my stuff, he was home! He said he called in sick. I asked him why and he said he just didnt feel like going in. but I dunno. He isnt the type that just up and calls in sick for the fun of it. He hardly even phones in when he IS sick! *L* Anyways...

 

I grab my last box and say "we'll. ....see ya!" (lol I'm so smooth

He's like "okay, bye! And...We will contact eachother on our anniversary?"

I reminded him that our anniversary was at the end of January which is only 2½ months away and that he said earlier that he wanted about 4 months time.

He said he changed his mind and thought our anniversary would be a good day to go for coffee and see how it goes. I said ok and left.

 

And now, after reading what DBL said...I feel like I did something stupid!

I think I read too much into him saying that he wanted to meet up on our anniversary because why would someone want to do that if they were sure theyre just going to say "yeah, no thanks!" in the end. That's just cruel!

I think I allowed myself to got my hopes up..again.

 

And even though I didn't think I would, I'm getting worried that the symbolism of the day we're going to meet and the possiblity of him saying "I don't want anything to do with you" is going to feel like getting dumped all over again.

 

I should have said no *grr* It's like he saw I was doing good about this and that i was going to be ok, so he threw a wrench into it just to be, I dunno..mean or spiteful?

[evy38]

We may not like what DBL says and he may be getting a little bit cynical in his old age, but, in most cases he's right in his perceptions of his own KIND!

You're out, screw your ex.... better still don't. Email him and tell him you changed your mind about seeing other people. I think DBL is right and he's surely going to start seeing people, if not someone in paticular. You need to get out, find some activities you enjoy doing and start meeting people again, it will be a distraction and when guys start hitting on you again it will be an ego boost. You could use one of those about now.

Also, tell him you need the 4 months to "Discover what you want out of life and a relationship". Clearly he's not giving you what you're looking for. Doesn't hurt him to know that. Won't hurt to let him know you're on the hunt again either. If he still wants you it will scare him, if he doesn't it won't make any difference anyway.

Keep us informed.

[DBL]

Only

 

You didn't do nothing stupid, breaking up is difficult and making the right decisions are even harder, especially since we are in a weak and emotional state.

 

Although evy38 is right, that you can say some things and may scare him back into the relationship...it is not going to solve anything. It may just end up a temporary solution. When a guy wants a break, but tells you not to have sleep with anyone, then he just wants to test out the water and makes sure there is an island near by. Obviously you are the island to his rescue if he can't find another secure one.

 

In reality there are no set rules in break ups and taking breaks. All though some rules are laid out, they seem to break quickly. My suggestion is just take one day at a time. Worry about getting by today and not tomorrow. Just have to look at it as better to find these things out now then later. I think you are going to be fine, grabbing your stuff and having to listen to him talk is one of the hardest parts in breaking up.

 

I remember my and one of my x's...we were together for 2 years. Things weren't going so great. I was starting to realize that I think I wanted more from a relationship. So we took a "break"...we didn't set no dates or anything. After 2 weeks she called and we bother discussed what we been up to for the last 2 weeks. One of the most decent convos I ever had...we both done so much in two weeks that we both agreed that it was better not to be together anymore. I started dating in a couple of months, she didn't date anybody for a couple of years...guess it is hard to replace me . She did eventually meet a great guy(yep even better then me) and I believe they were married sometime this year. Figured the story about my x would give you some hope that things will be ok. Sometimes a little time is what is needed before moving on.

 

Hang in there

DBL