What does it mean?

[rippedinsides]

I'm trying not to read between the lines, build up hope or try to convince myself that he is coming back to me.

 

It's been 10 months since the breakup, and this is our third breakup in two years. Ours was a 6 year long relationship which was pretty good, till things started getting messed up a couple of years back because of work stress, family, etc. If you read my posts you will find out how things were over this time. Long story short - he broke up with me in March last year, shortly after telling me that his love for me had increased and he wished our circumstances were right so that he could marry me. Ever since he broke up with me, I can see that he too has been suffering - his health has gone down, he has lost around 20 pounds in a month and he is visibly disturbed.

 

Ever since the breakup, he refuses to let me go out of his life. When I tell him that I would like to cut out contact, he respects my wishes and then works his way around to get back in touch with me in subtle ways. I've been LC for the past week or so, but NC just doesn't seem to last.

 

He says that he loves me, but he doesn't love me romantically. At another time he says that because of stress, he is numb inside. And still another time he tells me that he backed out of a relationship with me because his circumstances didn't allow him to do justice to the relationship and he doesn't want to keep hurting me by giving me expectations that he can't fulfill. At the same time, he has worked on his temper, and has made many changes and is better to me now than he was when we were in a relationship - just that he doesn't love me. For the past month or so, he has also fixed up to read the Bible over phone with me each night because he says that if we have a calming influence on our minds and hearts, we will be better to each other. I just don't understand. Does he love me or doesn't he love me? He broke up the relationship - and with the different things he has been telling me, I don't know whether he broke things off because he doesn't have time or because he doesn't love me anymore. I'm really confused. And with all of this confusing me, I'm not able to move on, heal or do anything. I'm in a worse state than I was when he initially broke up with me 10 months back. I don't know what to do because I don't know whether I ought to let go, or whether there is a chance that we can work things out or what to do. Going mad!!! Help!!!

[abitbroken]

He left you and now he acts like he wants you back but tells you he doesn't love you romantically. Simply don't answer his calls and texts. Don't let him wiggle his way back in. You have a choice to simply not respond, or you can tell him point blank that you wish him well, but you are moving on. Please don't call you or write you. You are broken up and you would like him not to contact you. I would unfriend and block him on Facebook and also block his number if he won't stop calling you. You are allowing this contact. Read the Bible by yourself or with a study group of women. You don't need him for that. He is feeling encouraged because you are letting him.

 

I know some may say differently, but if you guys broke up twice and the last time he said he doesn't love you anymore, there is no reason to hang around with that type of manipulation. he is being passive aggressive to tell you those things and then act the opposite.

 

His excuses are squat because there are lots of people who have demanding jobs and family traumas that give their relationships the things the relationships need. He is just trying to keep you on the hook.

[chickydoodle]

I am in a similiar boat - trying to work thru the pain of another u-turn, when i had been doing sooo well.

 

Men like this are

1. Selfish -unable to deal with the emotional pain of losing you , so would rather keep you on a string than self sacrifice in any way.

2. Are afraid of causing you more pain 'cos they KNOW they cant put in, regarding re-building trust, giving you the Love and committment you deserve.

3. Lack nobility, integrity and strength.; will tell you he Loves you some days 'cos the pain of losing you dictates this is what he needs to say to keep you in. Then when he has your heart open to him again he becomes afraid of the 'repsonability' he has to shoulder for maintaining his mood of delusional Love.

 

Bottom line is they are not cut out to be in Loving r'ships. They do not know the meaning of Love ( prob horrible childhood....etc.....)

 

They are unable to work thru' their pain and emotions without dragging you into it 'cos they are too selfish to 'let you go'.

 

They are 'damaged ' - 'emotionally RETARDED and not much good for anyone . Will destroy any Love that comes their way.

[catfeeder]

Someone else doesn't get a vote whether you'll accept their contact or not. You've remained in contact, and by providing him that comfort, you've been keeping both of you in a stagnant state of limbo.

 

That's not good for you, or him.

 

He's unwilling to give you the relationship you want and deserve, and as long as he still has you available to play push-pull with, he doesn't need to recognize the true consequences of that.

 

It's not a punitive action to go NC--and hold to it. It's your opportunity to exit the pit of limbo. You can heal and move yourself forward, and if ex is ever clear about wanting no less than what you want--he's perfectly capable of catching up with you to let you know it.

 

You can't 'help' him get to that place, he needs to make a solo journey there by himself. If he does not, then you've permitted yourself the ability to focus on your own health, goals, healing and unsquelched maturity.

 

I'd stop accepting his calls or responding to his texts. Block him if you have to. Trust that he's either capable of growing his own backbone, or he can learn how to move on himself.

 

Head high.

[rippedinsides]

I agree with all the comments here. I really needed to hear sane words of wisdom. I'm worried, though, as to whether he is going through something really bas which he's not telling me. in that case, would NC be too much for him to bear? this is what runs through my mind each time I think of cutting contact, etc. I'm just so afraid that I might do the wrong thing and make things worse or push him over the edge. I still love him and the idea of hurting him or causing him pain even for a second, is unbearable to me. Wish I could find the strength somehow to break away

[LonelyGirl10]

I agree with all the comments here. I really needed to hear sane words of wisdom. I'm worried, though, as to whether he is going through something really bas which he's not telling me. in that case, would NC be too much for him to bear? this is what runs through my mind each time I think of cutting contact, etc. I'm just so afraid that I might do the wrong thing and make things worse or push him over the edge. I still love him and the idea of hurting him or causing him pain even for a second, is unbearable to me. Wish I could find the strength somehow to break away

 

I understand what you're feeling. My ex broke up with me because of depression, and he's doing the same back and forth type of thing that your ex is doing. I'll get mad and want to cut contact, but I'm worried about leaving him when he's going through such a rough time.

 

I think that at some point you have to love yourself more and put yourself first. If this is not a healthy situation for you, and it's causing you pain, then you have to make the decision to put your own interests above his interests. It may hurt him. But he's the one that broke up with you, and he put himself first. You have the right to do the same thing.

[catfeeder]

I'm worried, though, as to whether he is going through something really bas which he's not telling me. in that case, would NC be too much for him to bear?

 

He's a grown man. He can get help or not the same way all other adults do. You can't 'do' anything for him except wreck your own life--and where has that gotten either of you?

[rippedinsides]

I'd stop accepting his calls or responding to his texts. Block him if you have to. Trust that he's either capable of growing his own backbone, or he can learn how to move on himself.

 

Head high.

 

I've blocked him off FB, etc. But I keep worrying about how he is and whether he is worried about me. It feels much worse than the pain of the breakup itself

[catfeeder]

I've blocked him off FB, etc. But I keep worrying about how he is and whether he is worried about me. It feels much worse than the pain of the breakup itself

 

That's because it's ~the~ major part of the breakup you've been avoiding--and allowing him to avoid.

 

If you stick to your guns, NOW will begin the actual healing. There is none of that when you avoid moving forward.

 

Simple and easy are not the same things. The answer is simple, but nobody's implying that it's also easy. That's why we're here.