bumped into ex, who's acting weird. any thoughts?

[JJMong]

Hi All,

 

(sorry English is not my first language. Hope you understand some errors.)

 

This is a bit lengthy. You can walk away if you don't feel.. But I'd like to talk with someone, hear some nice words too. That will be very helpful.

 

-short background-

We broke up of 2 years relationship 3 month ago(and 2 months of NC), had several months of toxic period, broke up and got back together many times, and had a very big fight. I felt I was totally done with this person, feeling dangerous even. then we really broke up. I have some posts here before about his weirdness; emotional block, depression, incredibly irresponsible, not having jobs nor working(we both mid 30), not moving forward, not moving out of his room, not traveling at all, yet saying that he loved me. But I was totally blamed for the breakup. He never understands of difficulty with dealing with such a person.

I had a really hard time, but I have been working very hard on moving on. Trying not to look back. I did everything that I could do to recover. You call anything, that's what I did.

 

-First incident:

I saw him few days ago at the party by accident, which surprised me, but I enjoyed very much. This was the first party that I had after the breakup, and I didn't want to ruin that. I felt that all of the work I did for myself really helped. I didn't have any hope on this relationship. So I let myself enjoy.

 

He completely ignored me. He didn't look good, and looked downward all the time. (I also knew that he's hanging around with his ex these days, who hurt him so bad and only 1 month of relationship with my ex. I knew that he is not working on this difficulty. But what can I do, he's nothing to do with me at this moment.)

Then next day, I heard from my friend who asked him if he saw me that day; then he said 'no no, I didn't.' But I am 100% sure he saw me. I even caught that he watched my eyes very shortly and turned his head. At the beginning of the party, there were only about 20 people. No way he couldn't see me. I was right beside him and he was wandering around me several times.

I understand that probably he doesn't even want to say hi. But he doesn't need to lie.. no?

This is my first question: Why would he lie about this?

 

-Second incident Today:

I don't know what's going on. But we were bumped into each other again. I am an artist and my friend is sharing her working place with me. There are many other artists who live at the place, and sometimes my ex comes there to hang around too. After the breakup, I didn't go there for awhile because I was abroad, traveling to my family, and doing some other works. I also wasn't strong enough to be there, having any chance to meet my ex.

Then this friend asked me again to work together. I really felt that even though I broke up with him, I don't need to give up or loose what I have. I didn't want to avoid anything either. I was continuing my NC strictly. My friend is also a friend of him. But she was very supportive toward my healing.

I felt somehow that we'd see each other. I was somehow prepared, but didn't want to have that moment yet.

Then today, I was taking a break in the leaving room, then he came in suddenly.

 

He looked freaked out, as if he saw a monster. He looked panic. I said first 'Hi.' (there were only two of us. I thought it is mature and polite to say 'hi' at least.)

Then he said "oh, I am sorry. This is an accidental bumping in. I should go out.'

This was too ridiculous to hear.

I said "hey, at least say hi." (I tried to be casual, I think I was.)

he: "hi" (in a very low and unpleasant voice.)

Then he continued "well, I am not permitted to be here when you are here" ( I thought.. what??????)

me told you that?"

he: "YOU DID."

 

He sounded very angry. Of course I NEVER SAID SUCH THING TO ANYONE. It is my friend's office, and I am no one to say such thing to anyone. I was totally pissed. but I controlled myself.. very hard.

Then I said,"I never said such thing. You are free to go wherever you want."

I had a calm voice and attitude even though I was totally freaked out.

 

Then he asked how was my trip, then I said 'it was very nice.'

I asked to him how is him. Then he said this typical things like 'I feel so healthy, so busy and active' and so on. But he didn't have a single smile or peace on his face or attitude. Rather he looked very nervous and didn't look healthy at all.

He didn't ask me back how am I. He was telling me how well he is doing for a long time, and I replied nicely "that's very good" several times.

Then I asked "you don't ask me how am I?" Then he said "I did!!" well.. he didn't, even though he asked about trip. so I said

'well. you asked about the trip"

Then he asked "how are you?." ..well.. he was almost forced to ask.

I said "I am pretty good."

Then he didn't even hear more, and grabbed his stuff and said "ok. I go now do stuff" and walked out in hurry. no 'bye.'

 

During the whole thing, I stayed calm. A bit of casual smiling. I did my best on this, so I am sure I looked okay. Not very formal, not too cold, or too warm.

 

 

That's all. I felt bad because I didn't feel respected. After this hard breakup, I cared about his feeling even though he didn't give a SxxT of my feeling. I did it for myself. I apologized about any possible hard feeling to him even though I don't think I have something to apology. Of course this came back with "I told you. You are the problem." But I don't regret that I made a nice gesture. I was not childish I felt.

I am very angry at him now. I don't understand this behavior with this lie about the first incident, and telling something I didn't say or do. Still blaming me for what I didn't do.

 

I at least wanted to give the least respect: like saying hi. I would like to know your opinions on this psychology of him, why he is acting or saying such things? Is it about anger? I don't want to be affected by any behavior of him though. Maybe anyone's explanation will help me to ease this feeling.. If I can understand it, I would feel better.. Any thought will be appreciated.

 

Thanks for reading. Anyone who's having a hard time, I give you my best energy too. Work hard on yourself. It will make you to handle easier on a random situation, and you will move on to a different world of your own I am sure..

[Xylitol]

Are you Mexican maybe? Anyway, you must understand he is a 'wild guy' , he doesn't have his emotions under control and gets very angry if things don't go his way in a easy manner. In other words , his life is about 'his world' and not about your emotions, this is why you don't get any respect, because he is a 'wild guy' he has no consideration for the feelings of others.

 

You are emotionally more mature, however you have to understand that there are people who are not as far as you are, who will make disrespectfull comments towards you.

 

It is simple, you don't associate with these kind of people anymore in your life, and if they come into your life, you must not add 'value' to what they say or do, in order to protect yourself emotionally,

 

In this moment you are angry for what he said, but what does anger resolve ever? Be mature and forgive him and move on, yes it was a nasty experience and there will be many more in your life, but you must learn to associate yourself with decent people in order to get more decent experiences.

 

Look for a man from higher up, a doctor or something, who has a job and a future and can provide you some respect.

 

Adios.

[JJMong]

Thank you for your straightforward answer!

You are right about him and about me too -except for looking for a person like the doctor. even though I agree that I should be with someone with a job and more of self respect.-

I learnt from this. I was very naive in many different senses. I thought about the reasons as a cultural difference for a while. But it wasn't.

In the end, I feel good that I was doing the right thing. What he did is his problem, and I won't let him govern my emotions.

 

and No, I am not mexican. I am from somewhere in East Asia.

xx

[Sportster2005]

He is hurt and not dealing with it in a mature adult manner. You are not responsible for his poor behavior in any way.

 

You have a healthy outlook and have been empathetic toward him. You can't, and shouldn't do more than that. It is best to have no contact with him and move on. He will have to sort this out on his own.

[JJMong]

Thanks Sportster. You are very right that I have nothing more to do, and just keep on NC and moving on.

He's living very close by, and sharing many mutual friends. Surely we'll have more chances to face on each other.

Whenever it happens, I don't want to feel insulted. Just hi and formal smile will be nicer and easier. But well, I cannot change his behavior. Maybe the only way is to be stronger in dealing with this situation next time.

 

Thank you very much..!

[Tom1990]

Absolutely stay strong, and be polite and calm. He's seeing things through his own sorrow and fear, and when he sees that you're safe, he'll start to let down his guard. You're doing well.

[JJMong]

Thank you Tom. I will try my best to stay strong, and remain calmly. So far it doesn't make a huge change on my mind and my day. I am very thankful.

And I like your quote, especially the first one that I fully agree.

[Tom1990]

Yeah, boys are weird sometimes. We're like dogs who bite at people we think are going to hurt us. When they don't hurt us, we stop biting.

 

And thanks.