JJMong

How could you invite all my friends to your birthday party where I was living until just few weeks ago?? you are an worthless .

Today would have been very different. You know it could have been our 2 years anniv. I have been doing well, as well as today. It's okay, but I am a bit more emotional than other days. I have been nc with you now more than 2 months. You have been nc with me the whole time too. We both are quite stubborn I thought. I don't know if I ever wish to see you without any feeling in future now. I know theoretically, and by my own experiences, that it will come. But the fact that the person who was so much involved in my life has become just a stranger makes me feel so sad and strange. Life is weird. I haven't been drinking at all. We used to have one beer per night. This was something that I learnt from you. I never had it like this before I met you. After we broke up, I stopped it. Today, I got a beer for myself. Today I decided to recall some of good memories with you, and I will celebrate my own courage on continuing doing my best after this touch days. I hope near the future, I would be able to wish you the happiness. Now still I cannot do that. I know you are well. But you hurt me so badly. And you just tried to become a victim. Fine. You live like that. I am moving on from the past. I will wash out all the dirt. But I don't want to loose the good memories that I had, not with you, but the person I loved so much, and was everything for me. Bye.

60 days! I would like to celebrate the day 60 of NC with myself. The beginning was very hard. very very hard. My ex is living few blocks away. I wished I could live far. I had this fear of seeing him on street. Meanwhile indeed I saw him twice, not on street but at a party. I didn't say hello, and I could be able to enjoy dancing with my friends. Another time at my friends' office, and we had a brief 'hi' time and he was freaked out there, very rude and unpleasant, but I was calm. No more talk. I don't count those as 'breaking NC' because those were all accidental, and I didn't try to talk with him at all about anything. But facing him made things easier. After having fear of seeing him, and when actually it happens, I realized that the works that I have been doing for myself to get better was there at the moment. I became stronger, and I could face him without my eyes looking pathetic. Then I gained a bit more confidence. Yes sometimes I feel hard still. But the amount of sadness and time of being very hard get less and less. I can go back to the normal feeling quite soon, and can control with a deep breathing. I did whatever it takes to get better. -I went back to gym again, and my skin feels better, my body looks better, and my FEELING is better too. -I write diary. I can see the progress of my feeling even after few weeks. and I can be proud of the progress. -I talk with my friends about my recovery. They give me the reference from few months/weeks/days ago - myself. They encourage me. They remind and tell me that I deserve better. Those are very important. -I try to organize my life: making schedule, and just do stuff. It was hard at the beginning. I couldn't focus for 10 minutes. Now, for hours, I can work. And that makes feel even better. -Block everything from the ex. : This is not because I hate this guy, but simply for myself not to get distracted. I know how much this made him angry. But his feeling is none of my business. As he and I live close by, and share a number of mutual friends, I sometimes hear about him. That's more than enough. Until I become fully recovered, I just don't want to look back. Now I can say: I don't miss him. I miss the moments, a number of invaluable moments in the past. But not him. I don't have a desire to get back together. I had a dream of him yesterday, (and that's why I checked the calendar, and it was exactly 60 days). He looked very sad, and he came to one of my local events and I was thinking "why is he here?' Then he tried to give me a cup of tea with that puppy face. I felt very sad, because I didn't want to have that tea with him. I felt sad in the morning. I see that I am still angry, and he is still there in my mind. I don't know how long this will remain. But the dream can be a nice feedback of what's going on my mind. I try to accept any feeling. I let myself cry. I let my self angry. Those are all human emotions and part of me. But I also work on getting back to the calmness. Now I can be able to do that. Not to fall into a certain emotion for a long time. It is nice to record the process of recovery: when you face on the hard moment, and you cannot avoid it, then try to enjoy. That's what I do. I wish all of you for successful NC and recovery. Remove your hopes and focus on recovery. That's the way.. Now I am a single woman. and I am fabulous! And I am going to be even more fabulous!

Day 44!! I have been visiting this forum often, but I didn't post here after.. I don't know.. like.. day 6 or so. I didn't count the date myself until now, and I realized that it has been day 44. I am very proud of myself that I reach to this point. (My final NC started around 1 month after the breakup, before there were my stupid attempts to talk with him again and again through emails) I think now, I have passed this moment of 'Anger,' and went into 'Accept.' The 'Anger' stage was a very hard one for me. I kept blaming my ex bf, and I really wanted to 'ask' him a number of things he did/didn't even after the breakup. This was THE temptation to contact him, not to get back. What really helped was to say loudly 'STOP!' to myself whenever I fall into the pool of my own thought. It was difficult at the beginning but it gets easier and it works. I also tried to give myself 1 minute of blaming time. But strangely after few days of doing it, as soon as I say to myself 'ok. 1 minute from now,' this blaming thought disappears, and I smile at myself. Meanwhile I visited my family (I am living in Europe, my family in Asia), met a number of friends and talked with them. I made some new friends too. I didn't try to have a date at all. I am working-out at gym 4 days a week, doing 20minutes of meditation daily, writing my diary. now I am finally able to fully concentrate on my work, which was entirely impossible a month ago. There are some days that I have my feeling down, and the frequency is going down as well. I get out from those feeling more easily than before. I still think about him. Sometimes I miss him, but not like before. Now I can clearly say 'No' to the contact or getting back. He is not the one. I still have the anger left, and I don't force too much to let the anger go. It, I feel, is a natural feeling. Instead, I tell myself to forgive him. I am sure the actually forgiveness -not about accepting him again in my life by forgiving him- will happen. I am trying to enjoy being single again, and it gets better with this intention. I dress better, eat better, take care of myself much better than before, just for myself. I spend this energy, which I used to use for fighting for the relationship, on developing myself, on reading, on talking with people around me. Yes it gets better. You become better, and NC becomes a real healing process rather than chasing the false hope. I'd like to come back here and post again when the dates become more than 60. I need to meet my ex again soon for the court case (for my previous traffic accident, and he is one of the witness). This still scares me a little. I am meditating, talking to myself that it will go smoothly. I am sure my life will become better. I am growing now (even though i am mid 30). I am looking forward to having a new fresh life with a full of love, and I am on the right way now I believe. Let's not allow other people or our emotion to govern our lives. Let's go for the true emotional freedom!

I am crying. I have been crying for many days. Some days are not. But now I am crying. I don't know how I can be here alone. All alone. I had you, but now you are gone. I cannot believe that this happened. You are not the right guy but I have this feeling of missing you. Most of time, you are in my head. I am living the past, and couldn't leave the past. I will do in the end. I believe. I am leaving for a while. I hope I won't miss you much. I don't know if this is love. I miss your friendship. I miss your hand. I miss your smile. I don't know if you ever miss me. I will never know. I want to contact you so bad. But I know that will make me feel worse. I have work to do. I cannot do it very well. I don't want you to know about this. that I am so much suffering even after we broke up. ah.. stupid.. I don't know what I am writing.

Day 5. I am leaving this country two days later for 3 weeks so I am packing. quite excited to visit my family. I hope this trip makes me stronger. I wonder how he will feel about me leaving for a while.. I wonder if he would miss me.. but I am just wondering. I will make myself stronger. No Contact during the holidays. That's my goal.

Day 4 I broke up with my ex more than a month ago, I had some communication in between, which made me feel terrible every time. So I try stronger. I hope to see the sunshine again in my life. I try to think this as my life chance to develop myself, and to enjoy how wonderful it is to be single. This way of thinking really helps so far.