panicgirl86 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 He broke up with me 4.5(ish) months ago and I'm starting to feel ridiculous because it seems to be taking me longer to get over it than the length of the actual relationship! Things seem to be getting better but I still think about him daily and missing him terribly. I'm well past the stage of questioning why he did what he did but I found christmas and new years eve very difficult and had to fight the urge to reach out to him and break NC, which I didn't. We have had mutual NC since the night he dumped me and although I don't feel angry anymore I still struggle with accepting that it looks likely that I will never speak to him again as I miss him as a person. It was me who said that I didn't wish to have friendship with him and unfriended him off fb straight away and then changed my number but let's face it, he knows where I live and could find me on fb if he really wanted contact. I have seen him once since the BU and I didn't look or say anything to him, just walked past him. I suppose I feel like I must have not mattered to him at all and that he never cared about me due to his silence since the split. I find this incredibly hard to swallow as I still have very strong feelings for him. I believe that if he ever felt anything for me hw would have reached out to see how I was once, it feels although it wasn't real and must have been all my end emotionally. I'm a single mum and have been having a hard time recently as my daughters father is not involved and she is not sleeping at night so I am very sleep deprived, miserable and lonely with little support and this makes me miss him more. I just want to forget but I think that I seek validation from contact from him. I have remained strong enough to not initiate anything with him but I still feel not good enough and his silence reinforces this feeling for me. My self-confidence is at an all time low. I just miss him so badly right now, any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks x Link to comment
sibelius9 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Don't think so negatively. You might be able to reconcile your differences and speak again. If you shared something special at some point, there is always a possibility that you can reach friendly terms but only with time. Time can do a lot of things. I can assure you that 4.5 months is but a breath of time to recover and move on to a healthier mindset. Again, give it more time. If in the end, he doesn't want to be your friend.....that's part of life and you'll be fine. You'll always have more friends and lovers. It would be his loss and your gain (do you really want someone who cannot find the inner maturity to be cordial?). In any case...give this time and relax in the meantime. Work on your self-confidence and focus on your child. Those two come before any ex partner. Best of luck R Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 It seems pretty hypocritical that you state that if he cared about you he would reach out to you, or say hello when you run into each other, but you have not contacted him or acknowledge him, either. It works both ways, and you can't just sit there and think "Well if he...." If you want him as a part of your life, then one of you has to step up and make contact. There is no "strength" in no contact if you want a relationship with that person. No contact is a cop-out to avoid doing the hard work of starting a new relationship with someone that you once had something with. So, are you going to keep beating yourself up and making insinuations, or extend an olive branch? A simple -- "Hey, how are you doing? Or "Are you okay?" never hurt anyone, and it might just spark a converasation. However, if you keep ignoring each other and blaming each other for ignoring---then you will never get anywhere. It's kind of silly to assume that he should contact you when you have blocked him on FB and changed your number. He doesn't seem to have taken those extremes with you. So, one of you has to reach out, and it seems like you have more means to do so than he does. Reaching out with your new phone number would be a huge step for both of you, especially if he is feeling the same way you are about the break up. You'll never know if you don't try. Link to comment
uk27 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I was typing out advice and rosasnyder811 has pretty much nailed it. I don't see why if you're missing him, you are insisting on not contacting him. No Contact is not supposed to be a game of ego or who calls who first, it is purely for the basis of moving on and forgetting, especially if the relationship ended badly. (All ends are bad, but some are worse than others). If you want any relationship with him (think outside of dating.. perhaps you are looking to be friends, or you finally want to talk about the breakup to get closure), you must have contact- Not sappy contact, more like non-emotional, positive contact. I am proof that when you tell an ex to not contact you, then ask them months later why they didn't the response is always going to be 'you asked me not to contact you'. So I believe, you have to be an initiator here. However, make sure that when you do make contact, talk like you would to a friend, not to an ex. Good luck! Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Excellent! It's so nice on this forum to see someone that supports my point of view on this! This no contact Internet fad is pathetic, and is destroying so many relationships that have potential! I also resisted the no contact fad, and forced myself, as painful as it was-- to stay in contact with her as much as she would allow. (I let her lead, I was always there when she reached out, even if she wasn't.) We are now engaged. I think that's a pretty strong indication that no contact is a pathetic failure when used to try to get someone back. It is just a mind game, and it doesn't work. Even if you manage to get them back, you will most likely break up again in the future, because your relationship was based on a GAME, instead of real, hard work. Link to comment
lovepugs86 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Ok, what if the dumper specifically told you that they don't want to talk until some times goes by, then what do you do? Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 You tell them that you understand that they do not want contact right now. You tell them that although you don't agree with it, you agree it is their decision. (because it is). Ask for what you want, though. Ask--- "would you be willing to send me a text/email/phone call, etc. once a week just to let me know how you are doing? It would put me at ease to know that you are ok." If that doesn't work, then there is yet another step you have to take. Ok, what if the dumper specifically told you that they don't want to talk until some times goes by, then what do you do? Link to comment
uk27 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think maybe some more details- when did the dumper tell you not to contact them. What was the context of the request? When one requests this, it is to get rid of the emotions that you remind them of- probably still reeling from everything that happened, and maybe feeling some guilt. It is also a case of they really want to move on- and you have to respect their wishes for the time being and then try again in the future. The important thing about keeping in contact with someone is not mentioning the relationship, or being obsessive but having generic conversations that also mean something- like a 'how are you' might not get a response, but something like ' saw your favorite movie' might. Mind you, I am not an expert. I NEVER got back any of my exes, but three out of five of them are like my best friends just by us keeping in contact. It IS more painful, but more rewarding in the long run because for me I was able to humanize them and eventually forgive them after the breakup. The big thing to remember is, even if you're at that point of friendly communication with your ex from your end, your ex might just be immature and would not cooperate with any of this. Respect that and give him space. Try your best and leave the rest Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Keep in mind also, when someone tells you to leave them alone, it may be the opposite of what they want. Isn't life confusing?! (However, you should still limit your contact if they say this to you...let them come to you) Link to comment
uk27 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Also, I asked about the context because with my other two exes, I went no contact the day of the breakup and have not had a desire to contact them years later. I was done! This also happens, and No Contact is the best way to move on and forget certain relationships. Link to comment
hellomolly123 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 OP, do you WANT to get back together with him? If he expressed a desire to try again, would you accept? Or are you simply missing him and the relationship, but know if your heart it should not be? Link to comment
panicgirl86 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Also, I asked about the context because with my other two exes, I went no contact the day of the breakup and have not had a desire to contact them years later. I was done! This also happens, and No Contact is the best way to move on and forget certain relationships. I'm wondering if this could be the case with my ex! I didn't tell him not to contact me but I think he may think I'm angry and don't wish to talk to him. I can't help but feel it would be foolish for me to contact him and set myself up for more hurt if he rejects me again. This is the main thing that holds me back, I don't want to be ignored or rejected and embarrass myself, after all I didn't feel like he was matching my effort in the relationship anyway. As he dumped me, I really do feel that it is his place to initiate and the fact that I have seen him constantly on the same dating site we met on, just seems like he's trying to move on and I don't want to be the annoying ex gf! I'm not sure that the motivation behind my contact would be friendship, as I am still not in a place where I wouldn't consider trying again and this, to me is dangerous as I would most likely end up letting him hurt me all over again. I completely agree with the fact that it is a two way street and accept that I haven't reached out either but I think that if he really cared, he would make the effort. I think its likely that he knows he hurt me and is staying away for that reason. Link to comment
sportsguy9981 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yeah you're right, I feel thats its up to the dumper to reach out, and the dumpee to accept that or not. I didnt accept it, 2 days after the breakup, it was just a lousy how are you text that I ignored... havent heard anything else in 4 months now. I think she probably figures I want to move on, and she doesnt want to lead me on. Do yourself a favor and just go through the grief, it doesnt last all the time, after every storm there is sunshine. Try to keep yourself busy, you'll discover theres another world out there, one that doesnt involve someone who doesnt want to be in your world. The world is yours. Link to comment
hellomolly123 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I can't help but feel it would be foolish for me to contact him and set myself up for more hurt if he rejects me again. This is the main thing that holds me back, I don't want to be ignored or rejected and embarrass myself, after all I didn't feel like he was matching my effort in the relationship anyway. As he dumped me, I really do feel that it is his place to initiate and the fact that I have seen him constantly on the same dating site we met on, just seems like he's trying to move on and I don't want to be the annoying ex gf! This right here tells me that you should absolutely not contact him. He has had the opportunity, and he was the one who ended things. Truly, the ball is in his court. You can want to be in a relationship with him with every fiber of your being but it doesn't matter if he doesn't want the same thing. If he did, he wouldn't have dumped you. It IS his place to contact you. Do you really want to be with someone who didn't fight for you? Who didn't even make an effort to get in contact with you? That lack of action says volumes about how committed he is to you. You are right that it is a two way street, but he dumped YOU, not the other way around. The onus is on him, 100 percent. Link to comment
panicgirl86 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 This right here tells me that you should absolutely not contact him. He has had the opportunity, and he was the one who ended things. Truly, the ball is in his court. You can want to be in a relationship with him with every fiber of your being but it doesn't matter if he doesn't want the same thing. If he did, he wouldn't have dumped you. It IS his place to contact you. Do you really want to be with someone who didn't fight for you? Who didn't even make an effort to get in contact with you? That lack of action says volumes about how committed he is to you. You are right that it is a two way street, but he dumped YOU, not the other way around. The onus is on him, 100 percent. I think this is spot on! I see it as his call, not mine. He is stubborn and shy by nature but if he really wanted to work it out, he would! That is the long and short of it. The fact that he would rather walk away and never talk to me again than stay and work through it with me is what is hardest to accept. I feel like he just collapsed at the first hurdle Link to comment
hellomolly123 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think this is spot on! I see it as his call, not mine. He is stubborn and shy by nature but if he really wanted to work it out, he would! That is the long and short of it. The fact that he would rather walk away and never talk to me again than stay and work through it with me is what is hardest to accept. I feel like he just collapsed at the first hurdle I totally get what you mean. My exboyfriend did pretty much the exact same thing... I told him that the ball was in his court, he needed to figure out what he wanted, that I was willing to work on things but he needed to be willing too... and he just let me walk away. The fact that your ex has not made the effort is really all the proof you need. Use it as a way to confirm to yourself that you DESERVE BETTER. You deserve someone who will fight for you, who will fight tooth and nail to keep you, and who won't crumble and give up at the first sign of difficulty. If he can't be that for you, then you owe it to yourself to work on accepting that and then move on to finding someone who WILL be that person. Link to comment
uk27 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Ugh.. this is why I dislike online dating- it allows people to relive their honeymoon phase over and over again, with the freedom to bail when things get difficult and not regret it because online dating gives dates really quickly and people feel re-validated. Unfortunately it sounds like to me he doesn't really process his emotions. A man who doesn't process these emotions has not thought of the things you're thinking. So yea, he is not going to contact you, because he is simply not thinking the way you are. You should not take it personally! On the other hand, if he's shy, he realizes what he did but won't approach you because it's easier to not to- he probably thinks you're really upset and wants to avoid confrontation. Idk, I am not trying to confuse you, just explaining to you what is going on in his head ( nothing ) Anyway, in short, the reason he ended the relationship is the reason he is not contacting you (it's too hard). However, this does not mean he won't be receptive if you contact him. But if you think it's going to hurt you too much, don't do it, by any means! Establishing contact is with the intent of either friendship or moving on positively only.... and the results of the intent vary.... but from what you are saying about him and the reason for the breakup, he doesn't sound worth it! Link to comment
panicgirl86 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think you're right, it all comes down to the fact that he couldn't be bothered to put in the effort. Always felt like the intention was there but could never quite be bothered to follow through with it. He hates confrontation so will avoid it at all costs. I should have seen the red flags, 30, virgin and only one prior relationship of 7 months. He's definitely used to only thinking of himself from his actions. I just never felt like he was really in it however much he said he was! And you're spot on about the emotions part, he does not do well with emotions and struggles with expressing them so probably doesn't process them ever. Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Excellent! It's so nice on this forum to see someone that supports my point of view on this! This no contact Internet fad is pathetic, and is destroying so many relationships that have potential! I also resisted the no contact fad, and forced myself, as painful as it was-- to stay in contact with her as much as she would allow. (I let her lead, I was always there when she reached out, even if she wasn't.) We are now engaged. I think that's a pretty strong indication that no contact is a pathetic failure when used to try to get someone back. It is just a mind game, and it doesn't work. Even if you manage to get them back, you will most likely break up again in the future, because your relationship was based on a GAME, instead of real, hard work. If you dont mind, may I ask why you 2 broke up. Id love to hear your story. There are many feelings between my ex and I still...He said he would call in a few weeks...Im not about no contact either, but I dont want to contact him until he is ready...you know? I sent him a text the other day telling him he could call me whenever he was ready. Link to comment
Kristenelaine Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Sorry, my comment was directed at rosasnyder811...and also, the text I sent, he did not reply too. Link to comment
lovepugs86 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 He told me we could talk after a long time.. which to me means a month or two. I want him to contact me first since he's the one that broke up with me. That's pretty standard I think.You tell them that you understand that they do not want contact right now. You tell them that although you don't agree with it, you agree it is their decision. (because it is). Ask for what you want, though. Ask--- "would you be willing to send me a text/email/phone call, etc. once a week just to let me know how you are doing? It would put me at ease to know that you are ok." If that doesn't work, then there is yet another step you have to take. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 He told me we could talk after a long time.. which to me means a month or two. I want him to contact me first since he's the one that broke up with me. That's pretty standard I think. Wrong way of thinking. I've said this in other posts. All you are doing is being controlling by not contacting him. What will happen is you two, if you still care for each other, will be in this struggle to maintain no contact, which is just silly when that energy could be spend on working out your problems. One of you has to reach out to the other, and there is no rule for who does it. Sure, it would be great if he would, but don't count on it. One of you has to make the first move. Might as well be you. Link to comment
lovepugs86 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I do not agree with this at all. He made it clear that he doesn't want to get back together. He specifically told me to move on and that he doesn't want to talk for awhile and that when we do, he doesn't want to bring up the relationship. So at this point, if he were to regret his decision and try and get me back, he knows where to find me. I spent months fighting like hell for us to work, but he didn't want any part of it any longer. Plus, if I were to reach out first, I'm afraid he will tell me that he is not ready to talk to me yet. We both agreed we could talk someday, so at least we didn't tell each other that we didn't want any contact ever again. He even told me if he wanted to work things out in the future, he would let me know, but like I said, he also told me to move on so he knows there's a chance that I will be over it already. Link to comment
lovepugs86 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 He made it 100% clear that he wants to move on as well. Link to comment
rosasnyder811 Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 That's why you tell him that you understand that he doesn't want contact, and even though you dont agree with it, you agree it is his decision to make. You let him know you are going to respect his wishes and let him be for now. You are going to spend x number of weeks working on yourself and fixing things about yourself that you know you need to work on. Give an example of one of those things. Tell him that after x number of weeks you will try contacting him again, and if he still doesn't want contact then, you will undertand. Let him know during those x number of weeks, he can contact you whenver he wants/needs. Then leave it at that. You asked for my advice. I have experience in these things. I'm giving it. You're not going to be harassing him, you are taking charge for yourself. This puts the onus on him to contact you if he truly cares, and it gives you the chance to work on yourself while he has time to think about things. My fiancee said similar things while we were apart. Yet, we are engaged to be married now. Your situation may be different. However, if you let fear hold you back, you will never know. And really---it is fear of rejection that keeps us all from reaching out to our ex's, isn't it? The bottom line is that he's already gone. So sending him this one last communication isn't going to damage things anymore , is it? If he's not coming back, he's not coming back. But if there is a chance that he will, don't you want to have the best chance? Link to comment
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