stepbystep Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I've recently started dating a girl, and we're both in our early 20s. We've been 'seeing eachother' for around 6 months, but have only been official for a month or so. I have found out recently that one of her male friends told her that he had feelings for her. This was just after we had started dating (late December) and she never told me. One night I picked her up after being out for some drinks and she was very quiet, but was texting all the way home. I eventually asked who it was, and it was the person who has feelings for her (at this point, I didn't know). I was annoyed that she was paying more attention to his texts though. I spoke to her about it and she told me there was nothing to worry about. A few nights ago I picked her up after some drinks again, and it turns out she had been at a party and this guy was there again, and a group of them went out together. I wasn't happy about this, and I spoke to her about it when we got home. After speaking for a little while, she told me he had feelings for her. We spoke about it, and she assured me there was nothing to worry about. However, it stuck in my mind, and the next day I saw he texted her, and I asked to see their messages. She hesitated, but when I finally read them, he had told her again he had feelings for her the same day I picked her up and they were texting all night. The only mention of me was 'I'm with my boyfriend', and nothing else. There were also messages from her to him saying 'I want to party with you!' trying to organise to meet up the day he had told her his feelings. I am hurt it has taken over a month for her to tell me any of this, and that despite his feelings she tries to see him. What should I do? I don't think I can trust her anymore, and I don't think she will stop seeing / talking to him. Please help. Link to comment
DN Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 I think she has feelings for him too. Link to comment
Hoagy Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 This is always the problem. If you find her attractive then it's inevitable that other men will too. But I agree that all the secretive texting does not bode well. I think this is where you need to man-up and put your foot down. There isn't a woman alive who doesn't like the idea of men fighting over them. If you don't fight then you'll lose her for certain. Link to comment
FYI Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Your girlfriend likes to drink quite a bit. Watch out. My concern is this obviously bothers you and she doesn't seem to care or at least stop what it is she's doing. That's a really bad problem you have. I would try to talk with her about it, find out what it is going on in her noggin. If she keeps playing hide the truth from you, I would stop seeing her. The other guy has nothing to do with this. It's her job to be responsible and tell the other guy to backoff. Clearly she isn't, which is a sign that she likes the attention and also has feelings for him. Link to comment
stepbystep Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 @DN - Thank you for your response. Is there anything in particular that would lead you to believe this? Do you have any experience or any tips / advice you might be able to share with me as well? @Hoagy - I appreciate you taking the time to offer some feedback. I did put my foot down, I asked her to send a message to him to say that he needed to stop pursuing her the way he was. She wrote something roughly along the lines of "I really like him (me), please don't do anything to ruin this for me". It wasn't perfect, but it's a start. And in case you were wondering, I did see her send the message - no tricks here. In regards to your comment about losing her if I don't fight for her, I harbour a fear of being too 'jealous' or too 'controlling'. I don't want to drive her away and tell her that she can't have male friends etc. For the record, they have been friends for a few years, and it isn't that that bothers me, or the fact that he likes her, it's the way in which she handled it. Can you offer any follow up advice? It would be greatly appreciated. Link to comment
stepbystep Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 @FYI - Thanks for your input. Her drinking isn't a problem, we're both early 20s and both are equal in terms of going out / drinking with friends etc, that's not a problem. I'll offer some more information for yourself and whoever else may read this: I am her first boyfriend. She has slept with people in the past, but has never had a boyfriend as she had been led on / hurt etc. This problem has only recently come to light, and we have discussed it and I have asked her to stop what she has been doing, and as I said in my previous reply I made her tell him to back off a little bit. This isn't something that has been continuos (as yet) as I've only just found out about it, and it had only been going on without my knowledge for around a month. I think you may be correct in that she likes the attention, though I'm not sure about her having feelings for him. Link to comment
DN Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 If she is constantly texting with this guy, even when she is with you, that means she must have some sort of feelings for him that makes texting him more important than being with you. Link to comment
stepbystep Posted January 28, 2013 Author Share Posted January 28, 2013 @DN - Thanks for getting back to me. She isn't constantly texting him, the texts are relatively spread out and there's nothing within them to indicate she has feelings for him. She doesn't initiate contact, and their conversations are brief at best. They haven't really spoken much at all other than recently, which is why I feel as I am somewhat overreacting. She doesn't text him when she's with me either. The problem is that she didn't tell me that this guy had feelings for her, and I found that omission of fact to be somewhat similar to lying. She told me she didn't feel comfortable bringing it up, as she didn't want to upset me. I don't believe she has, or was intending to cheat, however I still feel betrayed and it has made me draw back into my shell, and be very hesitant about allowing my feelings to develop. Do you have any advice about moving forward? I am going to monitor the situation, however I am aware I need to trust her as we can't move forward if I don't. That doesn't mean however that I am being naive or forgetting what has happened, I just want to give her a second chance before I do anything rash. Thoughts? Link to comment
DN Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Why does she answer his texts? What's the point? Link to comment
mactownman Posted January 28, 2013 Share Posted January 28, 2013 Not good man. She is disrespecting you and the relationship you have together. Her being secretive about things, constantly texting this guy, hanging out with him, etc. are red flags. I say she has feelings for this guy and I would consider breaking up with her. Link to comment
Michelle23 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 This girl is insecure and clearly loves being the center of attention. Dump her and find yourself a confident, high self-esteem woman. In a relationship neither of you should be texting someone of the opposite sex unless it is a relative. It just causes issues and hurt as well as jealousy, paranoia and an overall lack of trust. Link to comment
Kaytie Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Not good. I would break it off personally. The moment someone has feelings for me, I cease contact out of respect for my partner, and vice versa. She sounds immature and attention-seeking. I understand you don't want to appear controlling, but this is about basic respect and boundaries. She seems to come up short on both. Link to comment
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