Successful reconciliation 4 weeks after BU

[aliciafisher]

Hi guys, I'm happy to let you know that I got back together with my ex 4 weeks after BU, 2 weeks total NC, 1 week NIC.

 

I promised myself that if I ever got to this point, I would come back to ENA and write about it. This site has helped me through many hard nights. These are the things I've learned in the past month:

 

1. Total NC. Everything that they tell you here at ENA about the No Contact Rule is true. You have to cut him off COMPLETELY. I asked him last night how that made him feel, and he said I hit him with my absence right in the solar plexus. Instead of enjoying his freedom, he found himself wondering where I was and what I was doing. He was out with his friends one night and one of them asked about me casually, and he said he got choked up and had to leave. If he ever loved you, it's not easy for him, I promise.

 

2. I worked hard on myself. During the first week, I could barely get out of bed. I didn't shower for 3 days, cried every 2 hours, had to force food down, read ENA forums like a maniac. The mornings were the hardest--during the day, you can be distracted by tasks and the pain is dulled somewhat, but sleep washes away your coping mechanisms and you have to start over when you wake up. I read about other people's heartbreaks on ENA and Googled stories of personal tragedy, and my breakup lessened in its significance. This made me feel better for a few hours, then I'd feel like crap again. I rode the wave. I've found that it helps to schedule a 'meltdown session' for a specific time of day--I dragged myself to work every morning and went through the motions, then I melted down at 7 PM, or whenever it was convenient (in a weird way, it was something to look forward to).

 

3. When he started tentatively contacting me again, I kept it VERY light. I never initiated contact, never brought up the relationship, ended every conversation first. His excuses to talk to me got sillier and sillier every time. I'd be funny and always laughing when we talked, but after each of our conversations, I would cry like an idiot because I missed him so much. The days after initial contact were exciting and fun and tingly--felt like 'getting to know him' all over again. He'd get on Skype in the morning, say hi, I'd say 'hey, good morning' and we'd both send a smiley to each other. Then we'd talk about useless, unimportant stuff, a funny YouTube video, a new recipe he'd discovered, an interesting article I'd read on Drudge Report. Never about us. And always positive things. We smiled at each other a lot on Skype. Sometimes I'd type 'I'm smiling so hard right now' and he'd say 'Me too.'

 

3. Everything that they tell you here on ENA about the Push/Pull Theory is also true. He's the hunter again, and you're the prey, and the game is fresh. No need to play mind games, just exercise restraint. Have a wildly fun conversation one afternoon, then don't talk to him for 1 or 2 days. The feel-good sensations of your last conversation will linger, and he will be hungry for the next. It has to be fun and new again. Trust me, if you're having fun, it will take away the pressure from BOTH of you.

 

When he finally broke down and asked me to try again, we talked about what we wanted from each other this time around. We agreed to look at it as a new relationship and not fall back into toxic old patterns. And we promised to give each other A LOT of space. On a side note, my ex before him contacted me last week and told me he isn't over me yet and that he sees little reminders of me in other people--but he was abusive, so I digress.

 

I hope this gives you guys some inspiration. If there is love, I honestly think anything can happen. Just be a decent human being and keep working on yourself. Good luck, and thanks for everything, ENA!

[vesper]

wonderful story, thanks for sharing. I wish you the greatest of times with your beaux.

[rippedinsides]

I'm really happy for you and I hope things work out this time around.

 

I would like to offer a bit of advice, though, from my experience. My BF of 6 years broke up with me in 2011. That was when, while hunting desperately online for help, I came accross ENA. Everything stated here is true and it works. I got my BF back after 3 weeks. But we got back into the same old routine. I was so ecstatic about having him back, that I let him give me a whole lot of promises and get away with not keeping them. Well, a month later we broke up again. I stuck to NC and a month later he came back to me. Things went pretty well for a while. But we hadn't really fixed things that had gone wrong between us. I believe that when there is a breakup, the underlying problems should be fixed first and not just covered over with romance. Romance and passion will get you only so far. In the long run, it is mutual trust, understanding and loyalty that counts. We had a lot of underlying issues such as lack of time for each other, broken promises, fears and many other things which we didn't really address. Or rather, we did talk about these issues, but we didn't really do anything constructive to RESOLVE them. We thought that we learnt from our mistakes and that now that we were back together, we would never let each other go, ever again. Well, we were both WRONG. When some stresses came up early last year, things started to fall apart again. And when stresses became too much, he broke up with me again. It's now 10 months since the breakup and we are no where near to getting back together. The unresolved issues of the past have built up to the point that it's going to take a lot of time to get past them. I do believe that deep down my ex does love me. Even when I try to go NC with him, he refuses to let me go. He got me a couple of gifts last month and when we do see each other, the way he looks at me tells me that he loves me. But he is stubborn and adamant and says that he doesn't love me - all because he doesn't want to be in a relationship and have to expend himself on it.

 

My point is just this - please make sure that you fix the problems that came up in the first place and caused the breakup. You might be extremely happy about getting back together. But don't let the happiness of getting your love back, blind you to the faults that caused the rift. These problems don't go away overnight. Both of you might make high promises to each other to not get back into the old ways again. But when you get back after a breakup, you need more than just promises - you need action too.

 

I sincerely do hope that things work out for you. Yes, I do believe that when there is true love, it lasts. However, work is involved. And I do hope that things work out in the long run. A therapist once told me that when you get back with the person you love, don't try to get the old relationship going again. Try to build a NEW relationship. Get to know the person all over again and let the old relationship die a natural death. Learn from it, but don't resurrect it. When you build a new relationship with the same person, it tends to work out better. So all the best. Do write about how things work. And I'm really happy for you.

[Shane Falco]

I wish you the best of luck but I want to caution you that four weeks isn't really much of a break and the odds of you falling into the same pattern as before is pretty high. I hope it works for you, but I'd be a little wary.

[Isolation28]

I agree with Shane Falco. The time apart might not be enough to realize that the relationship is something worth fixing. Apart from that, just try to work on the problems that broke you two up and make sure that your partner also makes these changes. A relationship is a cooperative effort.

[aliciafisher]

Hey guys, thanks for your feedback and for looking out for me. I agree that 4 weeks is not that long for an 'ideal' breakup. I've read enough ENA to know that longer periods apart give you the best chance of a quality reconciliation. But I think that ours is one of those isolated cases, where we have better communication than most couples (we're very introspective and we're at ease hashing out our problems when they arise), and we both genuinely want to work at the 'new' relationship by devising a game plan to fix what 'triggers' the issues. So I think we'll be alright. I don't know about other couples, but I'd say a longer breakup would be ideal.

 

I agree with letting the old relationship die a natural death. Obviously, the old one didn't work, so we have to build a new one. Wish me luck, guys. This is going to take serious work.

[aliciafisher]

I love this. Thank you for taking the time to write this, rippedinsides. Really put things in better perspective for me. Hope it works out for you.

[Isolation28]

Yeah, we are just warning you. We are truly happy for you and we wish you the best in your new relationship. Please give us updates on how things are going between you two!

[aliciafisher]

Hi guys,

 

Just dropping by to let you know that we are still together (7 months now) and are expecting a baby. We're planning to get married in December next year. I'm very happy. I have to say this, though -- getting back together takes A LOT of work. We really sat down and talked about unresolved issues and came up with a game plan to make sure the same issues don't destroy us again.

 

NC is extremely difficult to stick to, but that's what saved this relationship for me. It's all true what everyone here says... you have to give each other time to cool off and let the bad feelings dissipate. Hardcore NC is the only way to go in the beginning, because you have to deliver your absence like a sucker punch for them to feel the full impact. Then I'd say go LC after that so you can give them whiffs of how much better you're doing and how you're "moving on" to better things. And don't forget to let him chase again!

 

Good luck, you guys. I know it's hard going through the transitional stages of a breakup. I know -- I've been there and it sucked the life out of me. But here I am now, gloriously pregnant and deliriously in love. Happy endings really do happen if you play the cards you're dealt with properly.

 

xo

Alicia

[smallboat]

So happy for you. Thank you for the updates!

[bwhite00]

That is how it is done.

[mhowe]

And there is why this is an exception to the rule of longer NC.

[Ms Darcy]

Glad you are well! Give us an update once the baby arrives!!!

[RoyOnTheMake]

Wow. I'm new here but this resonated really hard with me. Brought big smiles to my face, alleviated a little of the pain I'm feeling today. My ex girl and I were very much the 'introspective' couple that you guys seem to be. No issue or quarrel went unmentioned, sometimes it was almost as if we were sat in a psychiatrists chair, taking turns to cross examine and understand; bearing the weight of each of our problems and tackling them head on, out in the open.

 

Good luck