Just an emotional vent I guess. I'm a hot mess right now.

[maggieMAE]

I'm really struggling and I feel like a big loser right now. I apologize for it being so long, but my anxiety has been horrible today and this will probably end up a rambling mess because of it.

 

I don't mean that I'm struggling over my ex. Edit: (Or I didn't miss her until I finished writing this). I mean the change after a breakup along with the winter blues are both getting to me. I stupidly made her the center of my universe and now I have nothing to do. The first 1 & 1/2 years of our relationship we had our separate lives and I was very independent. But then one friend got married, another moved, she got her old place, etc, etc. And we just started settling into being together a lot. And it was fun and I was happy. We were really good at keeping things fresh between us. Up until the last week we were together, we'd laugh and have a great time together. But now I'm all alone. It's been almost 5 months since the breakup! I feel like a loser.

 

It's been hard for me to get out. I'm dealing with major health issues and I can't tolerate the Wisconsin winter as it is. I'm mad that after every breakup (well, there's only been two major ones) I feel so estranged from the world. My social anxiety is starting to take a toll on me because of all of this and I thought I had it under control. I go out maybe once a week. Other than that, I sit at home. It's driving me nuts. =/

 

I miss our friends. I miss our lifestyle and what we did together. I miss the companionship and how close we were. So many of our friends and acquaintances commented on how jealous they were of us when they'd see how we interacted with one another. They thought it was great how much fun we had together, even after 3 years.

 

Gah. Just thinking about all of this makes me sad that it was all worth losing in her mind. I really cherished and appreciated our bond. She was incredibly emotionally screwed up and put me through so much, and I admit having the drama end is like a breath of fresh air, but I tolerated it nonetheless because I loved her. I had faith that she'd find the help she needed for her temper and erratic mood shifts. So many times I was ready to give up and leave, and I tried (and she'd freak out), but I really had faith that things could get better.

 

At the beginning of writing this I was only feeling sad cuz I'm lonely. Just by writing this my thoughts took a turn and now I miss her. Maybe I should just hold it in and keep quiet so these thoughts don't come out anymore, cuz I really feel like 5 months is way too long to be hurting over this when we had such a dramatic relationship. I go through periods where I feel fine, but deep down I still can't understand why this all happened. I wish I could just move on already.

 

I give up on love. I really think I'm done. I really don't think I'm deserving of it.

I'll have casual relationships, but I don't want to go through this again. I love too hard and it ends up tearing me apart.

 

Just, someone please remind me that these emotional cycles are normal. I'm gonna go back to distracting myself for awhile. I'll check back later.

[Hennie]

I understand how you're feeling, I often feel the same way, but I'll just tell you what my sister tells me (thanks to Dory from Finding Nemo), "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim." In other words, don't give up.

 

Good luck to you!

[maggieMAE]

Thank you. Yeah, I actually think of Dory when I'm feeling low.