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Any chance of making it work or time to walk away?


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For the past 3 and a half months I've been seeing my manager at work, who is also the owners son (I know this is a messy situation but we both really seemed to like each other and thought it would work out) and things have been going well, never anything official but have been going out at least once a week. We have been away on a trip together and he spent Christmas with my family and we bought each other quite expensive presents (I know dollar value means nothing but it's not to be disregarded completely either). We were never anything official which was fine but also left me confused as to where I stood with him


Things have been going quite slow and he's not very open with his feelings so I never pushed him or asked where the relationship was going because I didn't want to pressure him or make him feel like he had to like me the way that I liked him if he simply didn't feel like that. He just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship where his ex had cheated on him and things never really were resolved (again, I know I walked into a bad situation but it just happened). I didn't want to rush him with anything and was fine waiting but was constantly wondering what was going on in his head. A few weeks into us seeing each other he slept with his ex girlfriend and when I asked him about it he was honest and told me but I doubt that he would've told me otherwise. I had seen it coming and wasn't surprised so didn't make a big deal about it even though I was pretty upset inside.


At work, nobody knew about our situation and I would often hear other girls (that I was friends with) saying that he messaged them occasionally and was flirty towards them at work (he's a nice guy and said he's often had problems with girls taking his niceness the wrong way but he could also just be covering himself because he knew it'd be an issue). In particular, he often worked alone with a girl that I was friends with and she often commented on his flirty nature and said that he messaged her on a fairly regular basis.


At the same time, I was also friends with several boys from work just due to being there so often and getting along well with everyone that I work with. There was one in particular that I hung out with outside of work, never alone or anything but at the same time this made my manager maybe a little insecure however he never really told me how he felt towards the situation. Eventually after having enough of hearing about him and other girls, I mentioned something to him in a non-aggressive way and he turned it around to be my problem because 'I was the one who did it first' due to my friendship with the other boy. I reassured him that we were only friends and to not take this the wrong way because I was only going on what I had been told which wasn't a lot by him and a fair bit from everyone else.


A few days later I was pretty distraught about thinking about what had happened with his ex girlfriend, hearing about him messaging my friend (and I couldn't say anything to my friend because of the situation we were in) and being very uncertain about everything. I finished work pretty late but then got a message from my male friend from work saying he'd had a bad day and wanted to get his mind off things. Me being in the same situation and assuming we were only friends thought nothing of this and decided to go to his house and we hung out and watched movies. When I got there I told him everything that had been going on with the manager and he told me what he thought of the situation and pretty much said that he was cheating on me and he'd never be interested in me the way that I was interested in him. All these things seemed to make sense due to the lack of communication from the manager and his flirting plus my vulnerability at the time probably lead me to be persuaded pretty easily. Basically one thing lead to another and things happened with my friend that I wasn't exactly pleased with myself for doing and I asked my friend not to say anything and that I would tell the manager in my own time. There was never any emotion in any of this and I never wanted to be anything more than friends.


A week or so later, the manager came over for my sisters birthday and I could immediately tell something was different. I thought immediately it was because he'd decided to get back with his ex or get with my girl friend at work, and thought it couldn't possibly have anything to do with what I had done. We parted ways and went out with our own friends for the night and us girls got home quite early and I messaged him to say that he was welcome to stay at mine and I would leave taxi money out if he needed it. He came home at dawn so drunk that he passed out in my bathroom after throwing up for half an hour and slept there for four hours before crawling into my bed and sleeping it off. I took him home around lunch time and worked with him that night for a few hours. Everything seemed fine.


The next night I got a message from him saying he knew everything and that my friend had told him (when in fact he'd been making mean jokes at my expense and had tricked my friend into admitting) and that he was done with me and I was used goods. (Lets keep in mind he slept with his ex and I didn't say boo AND we were never official) I told him I would like to speak to him in person and at least try and explain my side of the story to which he agreed but said he wouldn't be able to talk to me for a week. In this time he asked my girl friend from work out on a date the night after we were meeting up to talk about things. My girl friend at work was telling me all the details of what he'd said, how excited she was, asking what she should wear, whether or not she should get him to pick her up etc. and this was doing my head in and I found it very hard to be around it all but still put up with it because she's my friend and I wanted to be happy for her.


I met with the manager the night before they went out and explained everything and he said we could only be friends for the time being despite everything and just take it all slow if we wanted to go slow. I explained my disappointment about him dating my friend and said how hard it was to hear about it all to which he responded 'you did it first'. I understand what he meant by that completely but at the same time my guy friend wasn't in my managers ear asking all these little details about dating me and saying how much he liked me and all of those things that I was putting up with. All that'd been said to him was that it'd happened and they'd both laughed about it. Conveniently, the day after my manager found out the boy I was friends with was dismissed (for other reasons supposedly) and I no longer intended to continue the friendship so I told my manager that it was all done with and basically begged him to forgive me to which he didn't want a word of but also said how much he had liked me and despite having multiple opportunities to get with other girls, he didn't because he wanted me. Unfortunately for me these words had come too late and I couldn't undo what I'd done.


He left and went on the date with the girl and I spent the whole next few days hearing about it all. Foolishly, i messaged him just to see how things were and he was nice but seemed pretty distant (understandably).


I know it probably is too late and I don't want to upset my friend by telling her what'd happened because she actually likes him now but what do I do? Do I stay at work and listen to it all and try rise above it all, do I hope he changes his mind (I can't possibly describe how much I did like this boy despite what I did) or is it time to walk away from the whole situation and save myself the mental anguish?


Please don't post on this just to tell me I deserved everything I got, I've heard enough of that from him and I don't think it's fair to say that it was all of my fault. I'm just looking for helpful advice please

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I don't agree with your comment about the women being easy as the matter only concerned two of the girls in a large company but that's your opinion and I also don't see why it's a problem to have friendships between males and females especially in working environments spending a lot of time together.



Thank you savignon, I don't know how to warn my friend though I don't want to ruin things for her if she really does like him but at the same time I don't want to see her get hurt by him if he's still not over his ex

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It sound like there's a lot of drama going on around him and that's something I steer clear of.


If I was in your position one thing I would ask myself is, "Do I want a relationship with a man who won't talk about his feelings?"

As for telling your friend, if you two are truly close then I would tell her something general about what happened with this guy. Secrets are not very good at being kept and if your friend gets into a serious relationship with him she'd probably find out about what happened and wonder why you never said anything. Basically, I think it best that she get your perspective on things, it shows you've nothing to hide.


Of course this is just my opinion, you should really consider sitting down and thinking about what you want and if it's good for you (do the pros outweigh the cons? by how much?).

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If she's really into him, she won't listen to anything negative you say about him, or heed any warnings. People just don't.


If you want to carry on working at this place, do your best to detach yourself from the situation and just don't get involved with any more guys there. On any level. In a way, he's done you a favour by moving on first - if you'd been the one to end the relationship, he would no doubt have been vindictive; as it is, his ego is not too bruised. This guy is a douchebag and don't waste any more emotional energy on him. In future, remember that a relationship that you have to keep secret is a relationship you shouldn't be part of in the first place, for your own sanity.


Otherwise, if you still feel emotionally attached to him, put all this behind you and find another job.

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