Finding it tough three weeks into a somewhat forced breakup. Any ideas?

[zztoppoochie90]

I suppose I'm trying to move on but it's proving difficult as it was a relationship neither of us really wanted to end. I'll try and keep the back story as simple as possible. Sorry if it's a bit long, it's a very complicated affair.

 

We met three years ago and were very close for a month before circumstances took us away from one another. We spoke every six months or so to check on how the other was doing and in this time, I had one failed relationship and she had met a new guy and had a child.

 

Around June 2012, I messaged to see how she was and to hopefully meet the one-year-old (as we were in the same area once more) and it turned out her and the father of the child had split up. I went into meeting her as friends but the spark was still there and we got on famously. We decided to give it a go, instigated by her and not telling anyone at first.

 

She moved out from the flat she shared with the father as tensions between them had grown and headed to live with her parents. The father would still get to see the child every other weekend or so (long commute) and then she'd meet me. She met my family in October and November and everything was great; Mum and her got on brilliantly and began messaging one another. In December, I went to meet her and her parents as well.

 

We thought I did okay but upon leaving her mum said we 'weren't right' for one another. The Dad agreed to having misgivings (although he always sides with the Mum so I'm not convinced he really had a problem as we got on when I was there). Their doubts worry her but when we talk she knows we make a great couple. Over the next few weeks, her Mum starts a vicious attack calling her a **** up, questioning her psychological state and even questioning her as a mother. She thinks her daughter would have a 'dull' life with me, would leave her alone to date me if it weren't for the baby, told her if we had children she wouldn't love them as much as the current one and even said she'd try and convince the baby's father to get custody if we stayed together. A pretty relentless attack.

 

This caused my girlfriend a lot of anxiety and stress and understandably was struggling to cope, the only real highlight each evening getting away from her parents and talking to me. Over Christmas, my girlfriend's mother invited the child's father to stay in order to be with his child for the holidays and would make remarks to my girlfriend about how well suited they were, conveniently forgetting how badly he had treated her. He eventually left and then five days later my girlfriend was given an ultimatum of her parents or me by her mother (after yet more arguing about how we weren't suited). I now feel my visit was setup for this to occur and that her parents ultimately want her to get back with the father and are perhaps guilt tripping her into doing so. They may also blame me for splitting up the parents of their granddaughter, which as far as I'm aware I didn't do.

 

Anyway, she chose them, partly because she is living with them currently and is dependent on them but also because she feels her child should be able to have grandparents and 'her selfishness' shouldn't get in the way of that. Plus, they are her family. Either way, a cruel thing to say to your daughter. Naturally I understand but am devastated...

 

I get a text on the stroke of midnight wishing me a happy new year and then she instigates a chat both on that day seeing how I am and then on the 3rd, where we text for a couple of hours about how much we hate her mum. I text on the 6th to see how she is but get no reply so assume we're doing no contact. My mum sent her a message asking how she was (unknown to me) and she replies on the 9th saying family life is now great (they got their way) but that she has shut down her emotions. Likewise, on the 18th Mum also sent her a message being happy about the snow and she replied with a long message about her daughter but no mention of me. So they are both still in contact and she hasn't cut ties completely.

 

She texts me on the 19th for my birthday to say 'Happy birthday! I hope you have a great day. Make sure you do something nice x' I text back saying 'Thanks! I hope [baby's name] and yourself are well x' and get no reply, which I expected. We're still friends on Facebook and Twitter and I still have some theatre tickets that were meant to be for us in June...

 

So that's where I am now... Sort of lost. We got on so well and everything was going so brilliantly, that it's really hard to completely give up on even though for now at least, it seems I should. Maybe she should give it another go with the father just to ensure it's really over. I have no idea to be honest. Any advice is appreciated. I'm trying to focus on myself but it's proving to be very difficult! Thanks for reading!

[bulletproof]

I don't think it's a complicated affair at all. She should never have been telling you word for word what her mother was saying, for starters. Those were incredibly cruel statements that did not need to be repeated. Nor is there any real reason for her to be in contact with your mother at this point.

 

She is a grown woman who is now living with her parents. Of course she is going to listen to what they say- it seems she has never fully disconnected from them to begin with.

 

Don't you want to be with someone who can support herself and her child, and can stand up to her parents when they are trying to tell her who she should date?

 

You should probably cease contact, and that includes marathon phone conversations about how much you both hate her mother. That's not doing you any favors.

[FYI]

Been there done that.

 

Got the t-shirt.

 

And then gave it back.....

 

I went through just about the exact same scenario and it eventually dry-rotted. That is a toxic situation where your relationship is influenced by someone who isn't even a part of it. Her telling you everything Mom said or thought about you was basically another way of an expiration date soon approaching in the forecast. That's exactly what happened to me. Those statements were a warning sign.

[zztoppoochie90]

In fairness to her on the abuse statements, she never told me directly. They were in a long message to my Mum where she explained how toxic the situation was.

 

It's just quite frustrating when everything was going brilliantly until her mother has come out with all these things (and the weak Dad has just supported her). Her living with her parents is meant to be a temporary solution until she gets back on her feet but if anything they seem to have lowered her self esteem which doesn't help things.

 

Interestingly, she does still have one of my t-shirts.

[bulletproof]

She shouldn't have been telling your mother about it, either. Before or after the fact.

 

Here's the thing- everything might have been going brilliantly, but clearly not brilliantly enough for her to be a grownup and tell her mom how that she'll date who she wants to date.

 

Again, do you want to date someone who can't take care of herself and her child, and who seems to lack a backbone? If so, why?