confused and unsure

[brttny0991]

kind of a long story short, my current boyfriend and i got together when i was pregnant. he took the role of dad. my son is 1 1/2 years old and loves his dad. here's where it gets interesting. shortly after we got together i found out he was a meth addict. condition of being with me was to be clean and sober and willing to stay clean once baby was born. he slipped up once or twice while he was still very small. new years eve of 2011 going was the last time he got high. so this recent new years eve i was congratulating him on one year clean. however he slyly admitted he had slipped up "a couple times". i know he loves me and my son and my son loves him. the fact that i'm questioning if i love him is probably a sign that i don't. we had an almost break up on new years day, and his bags are still packed as i am unsure where this relationship is headed.

 

i find myself nagging him for everything he does (watching my son and cleaning) i am a full time student, he has no job not even a ged and is 30 years old...aka a deadbeat. but he is an AMAZING father to my son ( however a not so great role model)

 

lately i am contemplating trying to make it work or just giving up

 

i know people say not to stay with someone for the sake of the child, but i would feel awful and guilty if i just ripped them apart.

 

so my question is should i break up with him, my best friend and sister say yes, and i know ultimately the decision is mine, but some bystander advice would be helpful.

 

secondly, if we do breakup, the conditions of him seeing our son is if he stays clean, however, if he lied and hid it from me when we are together obviously he will when we arent together.

 

i just want to do the right thing for everyone!

[Ljion]

Is he in rehab? Its hard/impossible to quit meth without some outside help. Even if you breakup with him, he will the child's father and your child will still have a dad. The only difference is that you can find someone better to support you.

[RedDress]

I am going to say something controversial... ready? I think you should ditch this dude and forget about the whole "dad" thing. Why?

 

This guy is not the child's biological father. I know 1.5 years feels like a long time but it's really not. The cold, harsh truth is that if your son never saw this guy again, he would not remember him one bit. Not even a little. If you are not married, his name is not on the birth certificate and he has not legally adopted the child - why go there? He may be a little attentive (and maybe financially supportive?) now, but you already know he's not a good role model. And will he continue to do regular visitation for the next 18 years? Or will that fade in time since it's not his bio child? (probably much more likely). Would you trust him to take him if you have no idea if he's cracked out? And you are already talking about restricting access when you haven't even split with him yet. Can you count on him to pay regular child support? In my experience, it is better to grow up with no father (kids will usually take on another male as a role model - maybe a friend, a brother, a coach, or your own father) - then it is to have a bad father who floats in and out of the child's life, is half-there, sometimes cracked out, etc.

 

I'm actually usually super Pro-Dad's rights... but not this time. He's not actually the father and if he's not working and also into drugs, the likelihood that he'll play that role well is extremely small.

 

Something to think about.

[bulletproof]

The idea that he could "slip" again while taking care of my child would be enough for me to end it.

[abitbroken]

I believe in the rights of stepdads who have raised their wife's kids or men who were the "only father the child has ever known" and were the live in boyfriend of 15 years, but not in this case. Your son will not remember having had your boyfriend in his life during his infancy in years to come. He plays well with your son but is not a good dad in other ways to him. There is no excuse not to have a GED in the days of online courses, or even get his high school diploma. This boyfriend is sponging off of you.

 

YOU should want better for YOU. Your son will do well if you are happy = either by yourself or waiting for quite awhile to introduce your son to someone you are in a relationship with but don't look for an instant dad.

 

btw, is the child's biological dad in his life and if so, does he approve of this guy being around his son?

[SpottiOtti]

I have to agree with the posters that are concerned the BF may "slip up" around your son in the future. Also I sense from your post that you'd like to have a man in your life who has a bit more of a master plan, maybe some ambition or at least steady employment?

 

Logically, the person you'd choose as a role model for your son would not be a meth addict who has no ambition and no job. If you separate the feelings you have for him from the facts, I think your decision will be clearer.

 

By no means am I badmouthing the guy; I think he is trying to get clean and that is admirable. But he lied about the meth use. If he's lying about his use, he's still an addict at heart.

[brttny0991]

the biological dad was away at work for 2 years, came back to a one year old baby he knew nothing of. he is somewhat involved in his life, and talks to me as if he wants visitation etc. so far it's all talk and no action, but he leaves away for work A LOT! so as of right now i'm not sure as far as biological dad goes.

 

and yes my happiness is a priority, and i'm happy most of the day, and then i come home and my boyfriend is just so negative as soon as i walk in the door.

 

there's a lot more to this story that isn't necesarily important, however i've managed to become my boyfriends mother, not his girlfriend. (his mother wasn't the greatest to say the least)

 

and i think the only thing keeping me from leaving him is the guilt that i would feel.

 

i did it once, and looked around my house, all the pictures of him and my boy, i can't just delete my sons first year of life, so i know eventually i will have to explain to him who this guy in all of his pictures is, but i think i'm starting to realize that's much easier than having my son follow in my lazy boyfriends footsteps

[brttny0991]

thank you guys for all the advice

 

will take into great consideration

[RedDress]

i did it once, and looked around my house, all the pictures of him and my boy, i can't just delete my sons first year of life, so i know eventually i will have to explain to him who this guy in all of his pictures is, but i think i'm starting to realize that's much easier than having my son follow in my lazy boyfriends footsteps

 

Yeah... it's not as confusing to the child as you think it is. "That was mommy's bf at the time - do you remember him?".

 

For what it's worth, my sister dated a guy when my nephew was little. They broke up when he was about 4. He kinda-sorta remembers him a little (because he was older - but even then, not really). It's never been confusing or traumatic for him. It just is. People (friends, for example) come in and out of your life a lot. They understand it more than you think.

 

I think the really detrimental part is if you introduce your son to every person you date and it's a steady stream of men throughout his life. That can be damaging. But one or two memories of guys you dated for a while (and this one won't even be a memory for him - just some pictures with some strange guy) - not confusing at all.

[brttny0991]

thank you for that!

 

and yeah i would never just bring random guys in n out of his life. i've made a rule of at least dating for 3 months before he even meets the guy.

 

and no one else will be introduced as dad unless both man and son are comfortable and decide it upon themselves

[abitbroken]

If the dad is talking about visitation, he probably is not sure how to initiate the process other than talking to you about it if you have total control of your son and might not be sure if you even want it. You should bring it up next time and encourage him to see your son and initiate things. If he goes away to work for a year, how is that different from a child who has a dad who is in the military - or is transferred overseas for six months to a year and it is decided it is best to keep the family put since the situation is temporary? Or if parents live at other sides of the country after divorce? I am not saying you have to be in the relationship with the boy's dad, but if the dad is a decent non meth addict, non abusive guy who you just didn't end up working out with, I encourage you to let your son know his dad.

 

If you let your son attach to the boyfriends as "dad" - there is no continuity there. If he has a dad that he doesn't see very much due to distance but will always be dad but mom is not with him, he is not searching for his dad and his own personal identity at 18. At less than two years old, your son is pretty much in the moment but as he gets older, it might be nice to have his dad Skyping with him (if that is what is around then), writing letters, etc and even seeing him a few times a year or more. Or even his dad might help with school, etc, too. The relationship doesn't have to be between you and the dad, but the son and the dad with you just as the go between.

 

Also, your son could have an awesome grandparent or two from his dad's side even if you don't want a relationship with the dad. That is what happened with a friend of mine who had a little boy and didn't tell the family. When my uncle found out, he stepped up as grandpa and the child is better off for it. My friend (actually brothers friend but we grew up together) has not seen or talked to the mother in years, but the son has a great relationship with his grandparents, cousins, etc that he would never have had in his life.

 

I also consider that you establish a good network for babysitters and child care so you are not tempted to move a boyfriend in again to protect your son's feelings. Unless that boyfriend is the one you are planning on marrying. Different strokes for different folks, but it is easier on the kid if one doesn't move in if there are unreasolved lifestyle issues or conflicts on the basic level.

 

btw, as far as pictures - you won't want to have all the photos of your son's first year all around the house as years go by. You might have a baby picture, but some will be replaced by pictures of stuff that happened in the meantime. So just dig through and find some of your son by himself, etc, and you can put away photos of your son and boyfriend over time.