Long-Term Relationship Advice and Concerns

[firefighter173]

I have read a few posts by others and this forum seems like a great place to get advice. I am new to here so bear with me. I have been with the same girl for nearly 4 1/2 years which started out as a high school relationship. She is my second girlfriend that has had a relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks. Currently I am in my second year of college while she is in her first year. The relationship had been a close distance so that seeing each other is not very difficult. So with that giving you kind a background of what we have and where it has started, I will go into a little more detail.

 

Starting out in high school it was great just like every teen relationship. You have the love notes, the eagerness to see each other, and wanting to be together at every moment. The great feeling of having someone to go to the dances with and so on (I think most of you know what I mean by a high school relationship). But being involved in this relationship also had an adverse impact on me. The people that I used to hang out with and have friends with kind of deteriorated. We would still talk but there wasn't much outside of the hi and bye. I hardly ended up going to parties or bonfires and so on because I was in the relationship. I began putting her at the top of my list and a priority.

 

So lets fast-forward through High-school to when it was my first year in college and she was a senior in high school. I attended a college closer to home, but note this decision was not due to her, it had what I wanted with the good reputation behind it (the reasons you should select a college). This also had an effect that we were farther apart since we no longer attended the same school. As I progressed through my first semester I noticed that I would start cancelling things that some of the new friends i had had planned to go to things with her such as high school basketball games, or the movies with her, etc. This was also a better year for us since her parents were a little more lenient on her curfews and where we could go. We made alot of good memories and fun moments during this time. Towards the end of this same year (her senior, my freshman) I had also noticed that she had began talking to many more guy friends because I was not around as much with college homework and also keeping a part time job. But, she when i mentioned it she had denied it and said there was nothing to be worried about. So I put it aside and didn't worry about it, but the talking and texting between them didn't change. She had also started mentioning that they would buy her a soda here in there or some other food items out of the blue.

 

The next summer after she graduated, I went on an internship with a company out of state and during that time, the same guys, she began hanging out with them and going to parties and so on. But in return, if I was out late or didnt make it back to my apartment in time from the internship she immediately began thinking I had another girl. So, once again I brought up that it was mutual, that if she didnt want me having to be on a specific schedule that maybe she should to. This spiked an argument that lasted a few days which we eventually made up and started talking again. I also noticed that during this time that she had tried to shy away conversations that concerned money and jobs and so on (more of what I feel adult situations are).

 

Now we are both in college. Our colleges are about an hour away, but only about 30 mins from my home since I commute to school every day. We do not have near as much time to hang out between her college activities and mine along with work. The times we do have together are quite fun. We do anything from going to concerts to movies and many other activites. We also make dining out a common occurrence. These are an what i feel is an ideal relationship. But on the other hand, the times we are apart are horrible. I attempt to do everything I can to make her happy. I generally stay up later to "talk" to her ("talk"-mostly just being on the phone without much conversation). By doing this I typically get 5-6 hours of sleep a night. She also wants the high school relationship back, the cute messages, love notes, flowers etc. I agree to have these every now and then and sometimes on special occasions, but her idea is to have it a daily weekly monthly thing. Something that I find kind of outrageous with the added tasks of college and work. A few other things that bother me is that while I work, I am not allowed to have my phone on me at all times and my work ending hours fluctuate up to an hour at times. I always tell her that I am scheduled at a specific time even though it may be later and I will let her know once I leave work. But as soon as the specific time comes around she begins to call a text repetitively (9-10 calls in 20 minutes). Sometimes we make plans after I get off work, but whenever we do, i make sure we allot enough time if I am kept late.

 

She has also began wanting to discuss the future. She is wanting to look at apartments to move in together, marriage, and continuing our life together. I am timid to jump into this world at this time. A few things that worry me is that she will not be an ideal wife for me. I am more of an out going guy. I want to travel and experience life as much as possible. She is very timid about everything we do. She currently does not have a car or a job to this point in her life. She experienced an moderate accident when she was 16 and is extremely terrified to get behind a wheel of a vehicle, but is also terrified when she is in a passenger seat since she doesn't have control. This is also a reason that she doesn't have a job is because she has no means of transportation. She is talking about getting a job this summer but is very specific that she wants a job that she doesn't do to much and is specific hours with other days off. On top of that she is wanting me to be her main means of transportation.

 

So with all of that, my main question is is that is this relationship seem worth it. I am a guy that hates confrontations if I can avoid it and will do about anything to avoid them. I have made many sacrifices due to this relationship. My family has told me that I have changed since I have been with her and that I don't seem very happy. My friends have also mentioned the same thing. It is also difficult for me to answer someone when they ask are you happy. It worries me that the bad in the relationship out weighs the good.

 

Also, if you think this is something that I should get out of this relationship, do you have any advice on doing this with it being 4 1/2 years?

 

 

Thank you for your time in reading this and the advice you may have.

[DN]

If you were to move in together does she expect you to support her?

[firefighter173]

Mostly, she plans on getting some support from her family but is still unsure of how a job will work out. My understanding is like a stay at home spouse.

[DN]

I don't think this is the woman for you.

[Ljion]

Honestly i feel like if you have to go to an Internet forum to figure out what to do about this relationship instead of being able to talk to her this isnt a relationship that would last. Also you both are in college and being surround by alchohol,hormones,drugs whatever makes a distance relationship pretty difficult... Just think carefully about this relationship and make a good decision and remember to stick by your decisions.

[loveology]

Honestly, she sounds quite immature to me and, if I were you, I would definitely say no to moving in together. you guys are extremely young and I can guarantee that the both of you are going to undergo many changes in the coming years.You two may end up working out (although I kind of doubt it) but don't tie yourselves down quite yet...there is absolutely no reason to rush into such things.

[lavenderdove]

OK, what she wants is to never work, stay at home and do her own thing, and have you fuss and fawn all over her all the time. She wants to stay being a kid and not be a mature adult.

 

I think she is not the right girl for you either. You need someone who makes you feel good and up, not someone who drags you down. And if your family and friends say you have changed for the worse, then it is definitely not a good relationship.

 

There is no easy way to break up. You just have to tell her this isn't working for you and you are both young and need to focus on getting your careers going and not settling into marriage etc. too soon. So time for her to live and grow up on her own without turning you into a surrogate parent who takes care of her and allows her to stay a child. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her desire to retreat from the world and be taken care of. And re: driving, if she can ride in a car, she can drive one. That's nonsense to keep her dependent on you and a great excuse to say she doesn't have to work.

 

So i think it is time to send her on her way and for you to have a normal life and college experience rather than taking care of a spoiled young girl who doesn't want to grow up. Please be careful and don't get into a situation where she gets pregnant accidentally on purpose to trap you for a lifetime of marriage or child support so that she can sit on her butt at home while you pay the bills.

[firefighter173]

Thank you for the feedback that you all have given me. You re-iterated what I had thought. I wanted to make sure that it was not just me thinking this way and that it actually seemed like a problem that I should really consider myself getting out of it. I always keep thinking that it will change, it will get better and so on. I am just getting tired of playing that waiting game. My next task is trying to follow through with this. But, Thank you again for your feedback and I am glad that even an outside source sees the same thing without a biased opinion of knowing me personally.

[Heather Dawn]

As usual, I agree with LD. Totally.