How to overcome the neediness?

[faerietale]

Hello all,

 

I've posted in here before about my situation with my boyfriend, and I'm back again to gain more advice. I'm hoping to hear stories of similar experiences and encouragement because I just need to find more strength.

 

My bf is a very, very busy guy. He's constantly working and taking on new projects every day. When we're together, he makes me happy. Recently, we had a misunderstanding over the lack of communication between us due to him being so busy all the time. It never used to be this bad, but now I feel like he's in another planet since we went from sort of living together (I would stay at his place 5 days a week), to just texting a few times a day when he's working, to just 1 text a day now.

 

He knows that it's difficult for me and he explained that he does not mean to neglect me but his work demands a lot from him and he will spend time with me when he has free time, not because he has to but because he wants to, therefore, he just needs me to be patient and understand that he's trying his best but some things are out of his control in regards to his work schedule. I know it's not a permanent thing because this project isn't ongoing, but I'm already suffering from the distance and lack of physical/verbal connection.

 

I'm keeping myself busy with work, school, and spending time with my friends, but I'm one of those people who find it hard to be happy when this is at the back of my mind all the time. Not seeing/talking to him is so difficult and I dislike myself for being so attached and needy, but I can't help it.

 

So to get back to my original intent on writing this post..

I already know that I need to give him space, be supportive and understanding since he's occupied with work. I understand that I should use this time to focus on myself and just let him be since he's working hard for the both of us if we are to build a life together later on. I also know that since it's not permanent, I shouldn't assume that he's never going to see me again. However, I still can't help but feel miserable and lifeless because I can't see or hear from him. I know this is not healthy and I need to snap out of it, but I'm struggling from being so needy. I know that I shouldn't be like this because it's not attractive at all and it's going to hurt my relationship, but I'm not strong enough to just change overnight.

 

Does anyone have similar experiences and have overcome a lot of this to help me gain more insights and advice? Maybe I just need to grow up...

[The_Seeker]

Get some friends and go out with your girls. The reason you may be needy is because he's not telling you the things you need to hear "Hey babe, I got out of work, let's grab dinner, I miss you." ETC. Or give his 15 minutes attention to you.

 

Quit texting and actually be with the person. Keep yourself busy [do the things you always wanted to do]

[faerietale]

I can't be with him since he's never home. Before, he would at least come home and we would sleep together, but now since his friend is staying at his place for a few weeks (flew in from another state for work), I don't stay over often. Therefore, we can't see each other.

 

He does text me to let me know that he misses me. But I guess not seeing him is just killing me. I do go out with my girls, I stated that I keep myself busy, but I can't help but have him in the back of my mind all the time so it just brings me down. I want to know how to just completely let go of my neediness because it's not healthy for me.

[The_Seeker]

I can't be with him since he's never home. Before, he would at least come home and we would sleep together, but now since his friend is staying at his place for a few weeks (flew in from another state for work), I don't stay over often. Therefore, we can't see each other.

 

He does text me to let me know that he misses me. But I guess not seeing him is just killing me. I do go out with my girls, I stated that I keep myself busy, but I can't help but have him in the back of my mind all the time so it just brings me down. I want to know how to just completely let go of my neediness because it's not healthy for me.

 

Time out, what is the work schedule? And what does he do for work? COP?

[Ayanokōji]

"Maybe I just need to grow up..." would be the simplest solution, you seem to answer your own questions in your post and neither of you are to blame... Try thinking of this another way, what will you do if you couldn't take it anymore? Would you break up with him?... What would that accomplish, the problem at hand is that you can't stand being without him. Either way the only thing you can do is be understanding and supportive since your overall objective is to be with him after he is finished with his project right?

 

Get him to set a fixed date for when the project will end and get some specific/solid commitments down if you haven't already, not knowing exactly when will always cause far greater anxiety/emotional stress than if you knew exact dates which you can count down to. If he loves you he probably feels terrible about not being able to see you too so you are not alone in this.

[faerietale]

Termus: Thank you for your kind advice and words. Yes, I do need to ask to calm my own anxiety. I think I did answer my own question. I guess what I was looking for were similar experiences to know that I'm not alone in this.

 

The Seeker: He's a business partner for multiple businesses in music entertainment and he's also starting a company with another partner. Therefore, a lot of his work is very demanding since he's just launching it and he has to be in control of a lot of the work.

[The_Seeker]

Termus: Thank you for your kind advice and words. Yes, I do need to ask to calm my own anxiety. I think I did answer my own question. I guess what I was looking for were similar experiences to know that I'm not alone in this.

 

The Seeker: He's a business partner for multiple businesses in music entertainment and he's also starting a company with another partner. Therefore, a lot of his work is very demanding since he's just launching it and he has to be in control of a lot of the work.

 

So when he comes home from work, does he ever talk to you? Or does he just gets to the bathroom and shower and sit down and watch TV?

[faerietale]

Haha ok let me clarify.

His work doesn't have a fixed schedule. Therefore, it's hard for him to predict what his week is like ahead of time for me. We try to plan things, but there are times when we'd have to reschedule but I know it's not his fault and it's out of his control.

 

To answer your question, when I stay over at his place, and he comes home from work early (like 8 pm) we would make dinner or go out and eat together, watch a movie and then go to sleep. During dinner we would talk and even though things are hectic, he's always asking me about my day and is there to listen if I need to talk about anything.

 

When work is CRAZY busy (like these past few days), he would leave the house at 8 am and be home by 3 am, therefore, I don't stay at his place since we live an hour from each other and it wouldn't make any sense for me to just stay there if we wouldn't have any time together.

[faerietale]

If he came home and all he did was watch TV and not talk to me, I wouldn't be with him.

[faerietale]

Just an update (as a way of saying thank you for your advice and time in reading this thread):

 

I did what was advised, which is to let him be, respect his space and work, and kept myself busy with my own activities. He told me that he misses me a lot, that he appreciates my understanding, and that his project is going to be completed by Saturday so we can spend the weekend together.

 

Thanks again.