Need a little clarity.... Just friends, FWB, casual relationship leading to more

[Daisy11]

Hi All,

 

I just wanted to share my situation and see what your opinions might be regarding where this is headed. So I ran into an ex around Christmas time at a local bar while out with friends and we talked a bit and then he followed up with a phone call about a week later and we chatted for over an hour... just catching up. We hadn't seen each other or talked since early September so it had been about 3 months.

 

Since our inital chat, he invited me out for dinner on Dec. 30th and I went. We had a great time (like we usually do) and after dinner he asked me to come over and watch a movie at his place, I did and we ended up kissing and cuddling on his couch and I told him I was going to go home before anything further happened. He respected my wishes and agreed to take me home (he had picked me up for the evening).

 

We talked the next day via text, I thanked him for dinner and he commented on how much fun he had. Then he called me the night of NYE to make sure I was either staying where I was or was okay to drive home. He said he was going home early and would be available to give me a ride if I needed it, he didn't want me to get hurt. I didn't need a ride so didn't see him and following this night I ended up getting the flu and was home ridden for about a full week of which he called me 4 days or so after talking on NYE to see what I had been up to. When I expressed that I was sick he sounded concerned and told me he hoped I got better soon.

 

I called him once I was feeling better and we talked again for about an hour then that following weekend mutual friends asked a big group of people to go to dinner together and when he found out I was planning on going, he again offered to pick me up and we rode together to meet our friends. We had a great time, but drank too much and it wasn't safe for him to drive all of the way back to my house (I live in a different town about 20 miles from where we were) so I ended up staying at his place for the night. We fooled around and I slept in his bed but there wasn't sex. In the morning we cuddled a bunch and talked for about an hour before getting out of bed and he took me for coffee. Then when he dropped me off at home he asked me if I wanted to go to his house later that night and watch a movie (we were both feeling a bit rough from the drinks the night before). I agreed and said it would be fun. During the movie we cuddled a bunch and he kept trying to kiss me.

 

Since that night he has called me every day (four days ago) and has asked to see me again sometime soon. My question is, from an outsider's point of view, does this look like we're just close friends, is he trying to start up a FWB situation, or do you think that since he is calling me often and sharing affection through cuddling and showing concern for my well being it might be more of a causual relationship starting up that could lead to more? I haven't decided what of the three options I truly want to be involved in, I guess I just want to know what he is thinking without freaking him out by having "that conversation" so soon. I did express one night that I don't "sleep with my friends" and his comment back was "well do you kiss your friends and go on dates with friends?" I said "well no" and he said "exactly". HUH??

[Daisy11]

Okay, just now he sent me a text message that read "Don't forget to get screws over your lunch so I can help you hang that and I hope you're having a great day!"...... ugh, I have no idea, maybe I'm reading entirely too much into this?!

 

He is planning on helping me hang a new picture up in my house sometime within the next week.

[buddha55]

"Do you kiss your friends and go on dates with friends"

 

Because you're not friends. Or that's how he views it. He wants an actual relationship.

[Batya33]

If it would freak him out to ask "what are your intentions" then you have your answer about his intentions. I wouldn't ask until you know what you want -not fair to make him feel vulnerable/open if you're not looking for a relationship with him. Otherwise no need to label -you're hanging out and hooking up -have fun until you figure out if you want more.

[MikNomis]

It's not just friends that's for sure. It's one of the other options. Just don't go all the way and you'll be able to prevent FWB from happening.

[Daisy11]

It's not just friends that's for sure. It's one of the other options. Just don't go all the way and you'll be able to prevent FWB from happening.

 

Argh! But that can be hard! Ha haa. When we dated we had an amazing physical connection and now when we're together cuddling and occasionally kissing it's hard to practice self-control sometimes. LOL

 

I've been thinking about this a lot today and think I'd be either interested in being nothing, like just friends but not so close that we are talking every day, or starting to casually date and maybe if things go well it turning into more of an exclusive relationship. I don't think I'd be good with a FWB thing..... I get jealous too easily.

 

Now, the question is, how long do I let this go on before I ask him what's up or where his mind is with it all? We have only been spending time together for about two consecutive weeks so I think it's a little soon to be asking "where is this headed", right?

 

A little background - We dated for about three months over a year ago (Sept - Dec 2011) and he ended up breaking it off because things were moving too fast.... since the break-up we have had periods were we talk on the phone or see each other but it has usually been a one night thing and then we go our separate ways or we would talk on the phone once every few months. Nothing like an every day conversation like what's going on right now.

[MapleCanuck]

As with the other posters comments, I agree that you'll never be just friends.

 

Why wonder, ask him if he wants a relationship again. If he's not sure, you're back to square one.

 

I don't repeat history. If he's not going to provide what you want/need, move on. Sex is great and if you want FWB, God bless. Just remember, sex in a guys mind can be just sex. We can separate sex from emotion at times.

 

Every day that you spend with the ex will delay your healing from this relationship and set back any opportunity you'll have with someone else.

[Batya33]

I was in a somewhat similar situation -dated for 5 months, he ended things then started calling asking me to come over- it was clear what he wanted when I did (we did not have sex) I told him that first time we saw each other what I wanted. Then he called me a few weeks later and said he'd had knee surgery and wanted company. I asked him which knee and he said "right" so I said "ok when your knee is better and you're ready to get down on it and propose call me! I can tell you that he met his future wife about three months later. I'm so glad I didn't get involved with him again.

[MikNomis]

Try your best to not sleep with your ex. If he really likes you for you and isn't just trying to get into your pants, then even after some time he will still wanting to be hanging out with you.

 

I'd say give it at least another 3-4 weeks and see how things are then and perhaps talk a little business.

[buddha55]

I you guys already dated... DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM! He could have ulterior motives for sure. If this was a new relationship it's be different but you have a past. If I were him and really wante something meaningful, I'd be eager to prove it.

[Daisy11]

Well last night he came over and helped me hang some new artwork up in my house. After we were done with the project he sat down on the couch, turned on the TV and was like "so baby what movie are we watching tonight?" Ummm, I didn't know he planned on staying for a bit.

 

So I sit down on the other side of the couch and he asked me how my day was at work and I told him stressful so then he asked if he could rub my shoulders..... I agreed. That lead to more and I stopped him and said I didn't want to sleep with him, I'm not intersted in sleeping with anyone I'm not in a relationship with, that I just don't think I can handle a casual sex life. He said he respected that and that he should probably leave since we are both known to keep going once we start something. We are both extremely attracted to each other and he didn't want it to go further than I was comfortable with.

 

I reluctantly agreed. I didn't want him to leave but I didn't want to have to continue pushing him away from sleeping together. Before he left we did kind of hug/cuddle on the couch for a minute and he said we'll have to talk more about "not being friends" soon. Not tonight but soon.......... what the heck does that mean?!

[Reiissacs]

Ulterior Moves detected. It's sending crazy signals to my radar. I personally think, If he wanted a sincere Relationship with you again, he would have done it in a different way..For me, If i was in his position & wanted sex with FWB, I probably do d same as him. But dont entirely take my words for I may be wrong. Give about 2 months and see how it goes from there. A few things you need to take note of though,

 

- Is he intruding your personal space more & more every time you guys meet?

- Does he show any emotion when you're with him talking about your personal matters ie Heart to Heart conversations.

 

Dont rush things, let things go naturally. Friends dont give other friends kisses for no apparent reason unless they're wanting more.

[buddha55]

Agree with above poster. If he wanted a relationship why didnt he just say so then? Why wait? I would distance myself

[Daisy11]

Ulterior Moves detected. It's sending crazy signals to my radar. I personally think, If he wanted a sincere Relationship with you again, he would have done it in a different way..For me, If i was in his position & wanted sex with FWB, I probably do d same as him. But dont entirely take my words for I may be wrong. Give about 2 months and see how it goes from there. A few things you need to take note of though,

 

- Is he intruding your personal space more & more every time you guys meet?

- Does he show any emotion when you're with him talking about your personal matters ie Heart to Heart conversations.

 

Dont rush things, let things go naturally. Friends dont give other friends kisses for no apparent reason unless they're wanting more.

 

Personal space - yes, he is to a certain extent but on the other hand we've always been touchy feely kind of friends. I am with all of my friends, i.e. hug hello and good-bye, things like that. He is the one to initiate the next step like cuddling together on the couch and kisses and everything. In addition to the physical personal space, he has also been very much invading my "time related" personal space. For the past consecutive week he has called me every morning while on his way to work (he has an hour commute) to wake me up and tell me good-morning and that he hopes I have a good day. Then he will check in via text mid-day to see how my day is going or to make some sort of funny comment and then he will call me every night to chat. As much as I do truly like him and enjoy his friendship and company it's a bit much. I mean we went from not talking at all or talking once every few months to now talking three times a day, every day?! Whoa.

 

Emotion - Yes, he is always concerned about my day and what's going on in my life. My Mom was in the hospital recently and he has made it a point to ask how she's feeling. I mentioned that I think I'm going to need to get my wisdom teeth out soon since they've been bothering me and he said that he will be ready to make me soup if I need a good nurse. When I showed reluctancy to advancing our physical relationship last night he stopped and kind of held me and stroked my hair and said "tell me what you're thinking, I know you need to talk it out, let's talk" and that was when I explained my issue with a FWB situation and he said he understood but then followed up saying we would talk about not being friends a little further down the road. So I'm confused. Mixed signals, right?

[Batya33]

I don't think it's confusing -he enjoys playing at "couple" but told you directly he doesn't want to discuss where he stands right now. All you need to know -if this is all he wants to offer you forever how long would you stay? When that time is up tell him what you want and if he doesn't want that move on. No need for any analysis of his actions -he simplified it because he told you he's not interested in being in a relationship right now and left things vague and wide open. Any further analysis of the minutae of what he does/doesn't do is an excuse you are making not to be direct and honest with yourself.

[Daisy11]

I don't think it's confusing -he enjoys playing at "couple" but told you directly he doesn't want to discuss where he stands right now. All you need to know -if this is all he wants to offer you forever how long would you stay? When that time is up tell him what you want and if he doesn't want that move on. No need for any analysis of his actions -he simplified it because he told you he's not interested in being in a relationship right now and left things vague and wide open. Any further analysis of the minutae of what he does/doesn't do is an excuse you are making not to be direct and honest with yourself.

 

And maybe I'm not being honest with myself because the more I've thought about the situation over the past few days, the more I think I would like to try dating again at a slower pace. Do you think his reluctance to discuss if we are going to be in an actual relationship could just mean he wants to casually date for awhile before it turning serious since last time we dated we went from zero to one hundred with me spending time with him and his son and staying at each other's houses a few nights a week. If we did date again I would completely agree that things need to be taken at a SLOW pace..... I mean geez, even him contacting me three times a day is a bit much. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be interested in starting a relationship slowly and seeing where it goes.

[Daisy11]

Or am I over analyzing everything? My profession is as a credit analyst at a financial institution so I've always made the joke that I can't help but over analyze everything in my life.... it's just my nature and that's why I'm so d*** good at my job!!

[Batya33]

I think you have to ask him. I think if he didn't want to risk you being snapped up by someone else he'd make his intentions crystal clear, no guessing.

[PaintWithLight]

I do think you are giving him too much credit. He is positioning you as a booty call, nothing more. He does not want a relationship, just the occasional "girlfriend experience" when it suits him. Look at his actions? Every time together, he initiates some kind of intimate contact or pushes your boundaries. It is clear that his ONLY goal is sex. He wants to remove your objections to sleeping with him rather than clearly explaining his intentions.

 

Do not sleep with him. Because he will disappear immediately. Then surface once again to begin the same dance. If you then try to pin him down, he will say: "hey what is this? we never agreed that we were back together again..." He is slipping and sliding around, that is not the sign of a guy who is truly interested in you.

 

And the fake concerns about your life and inquiries about your family? Please, that is Booty Call 101. Talk is so cheap. Did he actually take the time to visit your mother in the hospital, no. And the offer to make you soup, is just another opportunity where he can try get enough brownie points so you will give in to his advances.

 

There is no confusion here. This guy is 100% convince that with enough time and points, you will give in to him. He is not interested in a relationship, only a sexual conquest. Stop all contact with him and cultivate a proper boyfriend. This guy is bad news, he does not truly care about you at all.

[Daisy11]

Paintwithlight, thank you so much for your flat out honesty. This is what I need because I'm finding myself confused and so I was hoping the ENA group could help me figure the pieces out. I've been hopeful that this wasn't the case, but I definitly DO NOT want to be someone's booty call. I have a lot of great qualities and a to offer to the right guy so I would hope that I can find someone who respects me and likes me for my entire person, not just my lady parts.

 

It's so sad to me though because I do enjoy talking with him and being his friend. When we aren't together and he's trying to be intimate, and we're just talking on the phone, we chat for hours at a time and he makes me laugh and we share so much together. I feel like him of all people I can really express my frustrations with work and talk about my finances and other personal details that you can't really discuss with all of your friends. He and I talk openly about these things and I trust that he will keep what is said between us, just that. I know this because he tells me extremly private details as well about his life. Why can't I have that wonderful man in my life without his horny b***** side?! Ha!

[PaintWithLight]

Lady parts. ha! You are quite the genteel lassie here, arent you?

 

I am not saying he does not enjoy chatting with you and having your company. What guy does like that "girlfriend experience'. However, if you are saying that this is proof that his designs are pure and relationship oriented, I would urge caution.

 

It is too bad that you cannot show him x-rays that prove you can never have sex. He would disappear like a ghost after that.

[Ms Darcy]

This guy does not want to be your boyfriend. He does not intend to marry you. And he's not going to be with you forever.

 

You have gone through this song and dance with this guy long enough. You are not "it" for him. Simple as that. No better than sex and companionship when he's lonely. Nothing nothing nothing more.

 

If you keep wasting your energy on him and not reprioritizing, you are going to be on here at 38 wondering why your friends are all married with young kids and you are not.

[FreedomRing]

Another vote for he only wants FWB. What other dates have you went on where he has purposefully asked to hang out with just YOU? Dinner, movies, other one on one activities in public places? He seems to look for opportunities where either you or him end up back at each other's places...hanging pics, bringing soup(lol - right). He went from ready to watch a movie after the 'project', to 'I better leave since you don't want casual sex'. How would he not be able to discuss the 'more then friends' option right then and there, when he was just ready to chill for at least an hour, watching a movie?

 

No need to overanalyze here...just move on.

[Daisy11]

Another vote for he only wants FWB. What other dates have you went on where he has purposefully asked to hang out with just YOU? Dinner, movies, other one on one activities in public places? He seems to look for opportunities where either you or him end up back at each other's places...hanging pics, bringing soup(lol - right). He went from ready to watch a movie after the 'project', to 'I better leave since you don't want casual sex'. How would he not be able to discuss the 'more then friends' option right then and there, when he was just ready to chill for at least an hour, watching a movie?

 

No need to overanalyze here...just move on.

 

Since we have been talking over the past few weeks we only went out the one time with a group of friends and then another night to dinner by ourselves. He mentioned wanting to go snowmobiling this weekend together if we get enough of the powder but I don't think that's going to happen weather-wise.

 

And yeah, the whole not wanting to discuss being "more than friends" right then and there has been weighing on my mind a lot. Last night he called me to see how my bowling was (I'm in a league with other friends on Thursday nights) and we chatted a bit about our days and then he asked how I was feeling from our conversation the night before and I told him I honestly wasn't sure how I felt or what I thought. (hence, my post here with you guys - I'm confused!) He said that was a fair answer if I'm working to get my thoughts straight and he said that he really does want to talk to me sometime soon about where we stand but he wantd it to be in person, not over the phone when I was dead tired (I kept yawning last night while talking to him) and not when either of us were drinking. So whatever. I'm assuming this means it's going to be a serious talk about not entering into a relationship anytime soon because if it were about wanting to be in a relationship I would think it wouldn't be so difficult to just discuss over the phone right then and there, tired or not. Why does it have to be done in person?

 

Whatever. I'm starting to just get annoyed at this point. Ms Darcy is right, I've been through this song and dance with this same person before..... and as much as I think ENA is a fantastic site, I don't want to be still posting about similar issues/complications in another 10 years at 38! I hope by then I'll be on the site offering friendly advice to help others instead of always whining about how complicated my darn "love life" is.

[Solo Pilot]

Sometimes I think everyone on this website is too negative. You guys dated, had a relationship, and then broke up. Maybe he's actually seeking you out because he realizes what he lost. Since when do us guys get anything right on the first try? Perhaps he's actually interested in a relationship again. If you consider yourself a good catch then wouldn't it be logical that he might be pursuing you? Truth is you don't know because he hasn't announced his intentions yet.

 

Not because of some harmful ulterior motive, but maybe he's not sure how to approach the subject of getting back together. I suggest you guys go on a dinner date and simply talk and keep from having any physical affection whatsoever including holding hands. Be direct and find out what is on his mind and go from there. Just try to have an open mind about all of this and not focus solely on the negative.