Don't want to hurt my friend

[hippypaisley]

Hey! Haven't posted on here in a long time, but advice is almost always spot on. Here is my story. I have known a friend for 5 years or so...we used to barely talk, just in a similar social network. I moved away, and have been back now for 6 months. Our friendship changed quite a lot, getting much closer. He was a good "advice" guy when times were tough for me. Now, we text all through out the day and hang out at least once a week. Things got kind of physical between us a few times (not sex). I felt something was off...so we sat down and talked about it. It went much better than I expected, except that one thing was on the back of my mind, in which I was trying to deny to myself and so never said anything about it to him. I have grown very attracted to a friend of his/ours.

 

I also somewhat recently became employed somewhere, and when I started he said, "oh hey! so and so works there!" (also before anything intimate)...well, it bit me hard like a sting when I came home realizing that I was very attracted to this person. But, I figured, not gonna happen, it'll pass, stop thinking about it... done.

 

Now, I am feeling like I'm going a bit crazy because, no, it's not been that easy. I still have feelings for this person, and the more I try to repress them, the stronger they get. I feel like it became obvious even because my fear of my attraction made me go from happy peppy outgoing person, to weirdo staring at the ground, not even capable of small talk....that kind of went away after I focused all my energy on acting normal. But then this (the meat of my dilemma) happened a few days ago. I was scheduled off. Had a missed call on my phone from work. No voicemail (strange already, they always leave voicemails) I call back. It's this person, he asks me to work. I showed up for work, nothing abnormal. The shift is over, and I see my coworkers all grabbing their personal belongings to leave. I go to grab mine, he simply says straight to me, "Hey I have to stay a bit late tonight." Nothing else. I had no idea how to react. "Oh what a bummer???" But, no my real response was, "So, do you want me to stick around too...orrr?" He says, "Yeah, if you want to...there's somethings to be put away out there still, anything that might have been missed." So, I wandered out and "worked" longer while everyone else went home. (I honestly wasn't upset cause, I am after all very attracted to him) Then, after leaving work, he offers me a smoke, and he asks, "So do you have any plans for the night?" "Nope, I was gonna hang out with so and so, but all that fell through, I wish I could do something though.. You?" "I have nothing planned either." Then crickets chirped and I got in my car and went home.

 

I know I am completely unable to KNOW what he was thinking. But, now I cannot get possibilities out of my head. I've thought, "maybe he needed me there for security purposes." No, they have people going into the store at all hours of the nights/morning to process shipments ALONE. I can't help but look into this.

 

Basically, I have thought about it, and it's like this....

A. No matter what the end result is' I have determined it will hurt my FRIEND more to find out I have feelings for this other guy if he hears it from anyone other than me. So, I need to tell him.

 

B. The more I try and lie to myself that this isn't happening to me (the feelings), the less they stay hidden. I need to face up to it.

 

C. If somehow by a happening of a miracle, my friend handles me crushing on someone else, I would still like to decipher the WEIRD happening from the other night...

[abitbroken]

1) You work with this guy. Is it a good idea to start something with someone you work with?

2) After you said you weren't doing anything - he didn't ask you out. So maybe he just wanted to know for small talk or for friendship and you were reading more into it? I think he could have said he had to stay late because you were the last one there - it might have been awkward when everyone else got their stuff but you.

3) Carefully consider if this "crush" is someone worth the risk both of your job and what you have with your friend. Is smoking a dealbreaker or do you smoke too? Do you know enough about him to know what you actually have in common aside from being crushed on him? And is he even available?

4) If this guy wasn't around, would you pursue something with your friend? After all, you know he will be there for you and you admit that you have gotten "closer."

5) Refer to #1. If you don't care about that - I would still give it a little time for you guys to work together to see if the crush wears off a bit. Maybe you will find out something that bursts your bubble a little bit - or confirms things.

[hippypaisley]

1) I generally say no, but it's a very part time job right now (10-15 hours a week part time)...so, not much time spent there.

2) He didn't ask, but it was the multiple awkward pauses on the walk to our cars. I was only a second behind them...The few months I have worked there, everyone leaves at the same time.

3) I know enough about him more than him being a pretty face to be highly intrigued by him. He is single, I don't know if looking. I don't think I would be risking my job as part time as it is, and the point of telling my friend is to say, "Hey, I have these feelings I can't control, but I can control my actions, and I would just like to tell you my feelings because no matter what I dont want my actions to hurt you." If it hurts my friend to even know, I won't be able to take that back, but yes at that point I will be willing to cut myself off from the attraction. But, I feel like I have to be honest somehow.

4) If this guy wasn't around, I wouldn't pursue anything with my friend. The spark for me just wasn't there romantically. He is one of my closest friends, and I wish I felt more for him, but I don't.

5) That's kind of my plan, I just plan on telling my friend and seeing how it goes. I'm worried about telling him because I don't know how deep his feelings are for me, and if they're stronger than I expect, I am afraid to lose him.

[Ms Darcy]

From what you shared, the guy at work doesn't seem interested.