Ex called but didn't respond after I told him not to contact - what do I do?

[sheilaishere]

I asked my ex after a conversation about what went wrong in our relationship, if he wanted to get back together, after a few months of being broken up. (He had been showing signs of possibly wanting to do so prior to this chat, hence the conversation, admitting he still has feelings.) He said no, however. So I told him that I've decided I can no longer stay friends with him to truly move on, and that I am going to have to cut him out of my life to properly heal. He seemed pretty distant/in his head before, but I guess that kind of shook him a bit - there were tears he was trying to hide - to the point where he could barely manage to say bye at the end. I asked him kindly not to contact me anymore if he truly does not want to get back together as that will only delay my healing.

 

Yet when I got back home today, he called me. I picked up the phone, kept saying hello, but he wouldn't respond, all I could hear was his breathing. After a minute of this, I hung up. Then he called again a couple of minutes later, and did the same thing. He stammered something, and then continued to stay silent as I kept telling him to continue. After some time, I hung up because I couldn't take it anymore and started crying, and just shut my phone. This was two hours ago. As I was also feeling sick, I took a nap after, and now he is at work. I really don't know what to do, or why he called, and I was wondering for some advice? Why wouldn't he respond? It hurt so badly for him to do that - it already hurt to have high hopes we could get back together, then for him to say no again, and then for him to do that. I don't know what to make of it or what to think of it.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

He just wanted to hear your voice. Obviously he still loves you, but don't take that to mean that you need to be with him. He is extremely confused inside. I would definitely not contact him for a while if ever again.

[lady00]

It sounds like he is not over the breakup and is engaging in strange behavior as a result. He called, heard your voice, and wasn't able to speak. It sounds like it is an emotional time for both of you, and understandably so. If I were you, I would not take his calls. Him saying nothing and you getting upset is hardly productive. If he has something important to say, he'll leave a message.

[winniethepooh]

I asked him kindly not to contact me anymore if he truly does not want to get back together as that will only delay my healing.

 

Yet when I got back home today, he called me.

Ignore him, because ...

 

I asked him kindly not to contact me anymore if he truly does not want to get back together as that will only delay my healing.

Unless he wants to get back together ...

 

I picked up the phone, kept saying hello, but he wouldn't respond, all I could hear was his breathing.

He didn't say he wants to get back together, so ignore him.

 

After a minute of this, I hung up. Then he called again a couple of minutes later, and did the same thing. He stammered something, and then continued to stay silent as I kept telling him to continue.

He didn't say he wants to get back together, so ignore him, because ...

 

I asked him kindly not to contact me anymore if he truly does not want to get back together as that will only delay my healing.

That sounds clear to me.

 

After some time, I hung up because I couldn't take it anymore and started crying, and just shut my phone. This was two hours ago.

Leave it off for the rest of the day, go and watch a film, go for a walk, go and do something away from where you are. Leave your phone at home.

 

As I was also feeling sick, I took a nap after, and now he is at work. I really don't know what to do, or why he called,

Maybe he wants to get back together. Maybe he wants to mess you around. Maybe he wants you to do all the work to get back together so he can avoid taking any responsibility if it becomes a mess, or because he's weak and pathetic. Maybe he can't help himself because his feelings are making him do this (if you learn anything from this, learn that feelings make us do dumb things sometimes). Maybe maybe maybe ...

 

It probably depends on how you broke up, and how you were when you were together. Did you behave in such a way to make it difficult for him to communicate with you normally? Did you leave him confused about anything?

 

and I was wondering for some advice? Why wouldn't he respond? It hurt so badly for him to do that - it already hurt to have high hopes we could get back together, then for him to say no again, and then for him to do that. I don't know what to make of it or what to think of it.

Do you want to get back together with him? Leave him alone, you've been clear. It's up to him to be clear with you now. Just breathing into a phone is not very clear - do you really want to live your life with someone who thinks breathing into a phone is a good way to communicate? I'm assuming he dumped you in the first place by the way. Otherwise this post doesn't make any sense.

 

If you don't want to get back together with him, leave him alone.

[Ms Darcy]

Don't pick up when he calls.

 

He doesn't want to get back together. That is all you need to know from him.

[winniethepooh]

I should have read your other post first. Now I have a different perspective.

 

My ex and I broke up three months ago. I told him from the beginning that I'd just gotten out of a stressful long-term relationship and was still healing, so didn't want to be with him. Unfortunately, we fell for each other pretty hard, things went really fast, and the next thing I knew I was in a serious relationship while still not over my previous. Bad move, I know.

In other words, he was being your boyfriend but you weren't being his girlfriend yet. Unbalanced. Easier to keep your balance at the beginning than to pay the price at the end. Now you're both paying the price.

 

My ex initially tried to take things slow and be understanding,

Why wasn't it going slow if he was trying to take things slow. What were you doing to help? Or were you just using him to help you heal?

 

and I told him I felt like my feelings were fading, if not almost gone a few months later for my ex before him.

Ah, so you were using him to help you heal?

 

It's not until after the feelings have substantially faded that we can clearly see what our world looks like. He's set himself up to be a doormat or white knight by helping you get over your ex. You have to be careful not to use that against him. Unless that's how you want to live, then you will pay the price in a different way.

 

The truth was, while I'd feel that way with my ex, when he wasn't around, I'd feel otherwise; I was confused.

Of course you were. That's usually what happens when you rebound.

 

One day we had a fight over a minor lie he made it, and it slipped up I was still harboring some feelings for my old bf before him. He decided he couldn't handle this anymore as he said he always felt second to my last boyfriend, which many times I hate to admit, he was.

And that, is the most important thing I think you said.

 

He broke up with me.

Quite. Sounds like he had a good reason to dump you. If he hadn't, you would have dumped him eventually. People rarely settle for second-best long term. They either dump them, or make them first-best (or whatever the correct term is).

 

What were you trying to do so that he wasn't second-best anymore? What was he trying to do?

 

Let me add that I am over my relationship that caused problems with my ex now after getting some therapy and with some time alone. I am most definitely open to the idea of reuniting with my ex as I love him very much.

He might be open to the idea of reuniting with you, but I hope he isn't open to the idea of being a second-best boyfriend. He shouldn't be.

 

It's not good enough to tell him not to contact you unless he wants to get back together. He didn't want to dump you in the first place. So now you need to be clear to him about what you said in your first topic that I just quoted above. But before you do that, you need to figure out in your own head if he really is a second-rate boyfriend that you don't want to be with, or if you and him together can actually have a first-rate relationship (and as a consequence, it turns out that he becomes a first-rate boyfriend). And can you be a first-rate girlfriend to him or would you remain a second-rate girlfriend, if even a girlfriend at all?

 

If all this has been clarified to him, and you're sure he understands, then I suppose you have little choice but to leave him alone from here and move on.

 

But given what you said in your previous topic, and what you said to him, I would see the phone calls as a sign that he does want to get back together, but is hesitant because of how you treated him in the relationship. And hey, I still think it's weak sauce on his part that all he does is phone and breathe, and I can understand if that makes him less appealing in your eyes, but it is what it is. Now it's a bit easier to understand why he's like that.

[sheilaishere]

^

Thanks so much for the reply. We had a conversation about all of this a month ago, in which I made it very clear I was aware of the mistakes I made, that he wasn't second best, and I genuinely in my heart love him very dearly. He knew I'd been working really hard to heal through therapy, I started meditation courses etc...everything to work through the past relationship and let it go. We stayed friends, although there was a time where we weren't - he was good to me at first and then for a bit he started acting distant/cold and rather hot/cold on and off. I knew it was because he was hurt, so I gave him the space he rightfully deserved so he could heal. We started talking properly more again about a month and a half ago.

 

I didn't mention this as it's a bit of a long story, but really the main reason it was very difficult to let go of the relationship before him was because it was a pretty mentally abusive one. We'd broken up quite some time before I got with my ex, but because of the length of the relationship (3 years), and the manipulation etc...that's why it took so long to heal. I did even tell my ex before we got together I didn't want to be with him because I wasn't in the emotional place to do so - it was less about being in love with my ex before him still so much as just being scarred and very scared/unable to trust. But my ex was always adamant on being with me, we stayed good friends as he said he would wait until I was better, and then ended up together after I thought I was doing better. I'd started therapy around this time to deal with the mental scars of the last relationship. I overestimated how well I was doing, but I really thought at the time I was ok to be in a relationship. I didn't think of it as a rebound at the time. And while I know in many ways it was, to this day I can't, because I really did fall in love with him, and now that I am healed from the scars of the last relationship, know more than ever I really love him.

 

My ex knows all of these things, he has seen my changes, and that's why I told him not to contact me anymore when he said no to getting back together again. I just felt he meant it, and he was too hurt to move forward with me anymore, which was hurting me. I knew rationally I couldn't have him in my life without constantly having hopes. What confused me was the phone call, but I haven't heard from him since yesterday when he did that.

 

I really feel so much guilt for what I did to him. He was an amazing boyfriend - I just wasn't healed or healthy enough to receive his love at the time. I feel very sad about it, but I guess you're right, he has made his choice and I do need to let go.

[winniethepooh]

I didn't mention this as it's a bit of a long story, but really the main reason it was very difficult to let go of the relationship before him was because it was a pretty mentally abusive one.

Well, long story or not, is it relevant to the current (ex)-relationship?

 

We'd broken up quite some time before I got with my ex, but because of the length of the relationship (3 years), and the manipulation etc...that's why it took so long to heal. I did even tell my ex before we got together I didn't want to be with him because I wasn't in the emotional place to do so - it was less about being in love with my ex before him still so much as just being scarred and very scared/unable to trust. But my ex was always adamant on being with me, we stayed good friends as he said he would wait until I was better, and then ended up together after I thought I was doing better. I'd started therapy around this time to deal with the mental scars of the last relationship. I overestimated how well I was doing, but I really thought at the time I was ok to be in a relationship. I didn't think of it as a rebound at the time. And while I know in many ways it was, to this day I can't, because I really did fall in love with him, and now that I am healed from the scars of the last relationship, know more than ever I really love him.

 

My ex knows all of these things, he has seen my changes, and that's why I told him not to contact me anymore when he said no to getting back together again.

So something here doesn't make sense.

 

You slipped up and told him you still had feelings for your previous ex, he dumped you because of that, then you tried to make it clear to him that you didn't have feelings for your previous ex, and your new boyfriend really was your first-best, not second-best.

 

Why doesn't he believe you? Or if he does, why does he not want to get back together?

 

I just felt he meant it, and he was too hurt to move forward with me anymore,

Yeah, but come on, we all say dumb things sometimes. Why is he punishing you so much for that? I wonder if he carried you so much during your healing phase, that he's just exhausted and weakened from it.

 

Or is he naturally particularly sensitive and willing to dump someone at the drop of a hat?

 

Or is he afraid you will go back to your ex or someone like him?

 

which was hurting me. I knew rationally I couldn't have him in my life without constantly having hopes. What confused me was the phone call, but I haven't heard from him since yesterday when he did that.

The phone call confuses me far less than his reluctance to get back together with you in the first place after you made it clear to him that you really wanted to move on together with him.

 

I really feel so much guilt for what I did to him. He was an amazing boyfriend - I just wasn't healed or healthy enough to receive his love at the time.

That's such a cop-out to whine that you weren't healed enough to receive his love. He gave it to you regardless and helped you heal, and you let him, and then you turned around and called him a second-rate boyfriend. So I understand the dumping. But then you did your best to make it clear you were wrong about that, so again, I still don't really understand why he wants you to stay dumped.

 

I feel very sad about it,

That's all? Not heartbroken?

 

but I guess you're right, he has made his choice and I do need to let go.

Hmmmm. Is there a way you can try to make it easier for him to say he wants to get back together?

 

Or is there something somewhere inside him that deep down questions whether you really do want to be with him, and he thinks the driver for you wanting to get back together with him is guilt more than desire? Hence explaining a bit better his mixed messages, and reluctance to get back together.

 

I really feel so much guilt for what I did to him.

[abitbroken]

If your last relationship was mentally abusive, I suggest that you don't chase this recent ex. You really take time to be by yourself - use no one to "get over" someone else. It takes time to unravel and I am still seeing the effects of mental abuse in my life several years after a mentally abusive relationship.

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who implied I was second rate to an ex.

[sheilaishere]

Thank you for your input, I really do appreciate it but I'd like to ask respectfully that you not use statements like "that's such a cop out". It's not necessary, and it can be misconstrued as hurtful, and you really are just getting a small snippet of what happened. I am already vulnerable, and believe me, I am more than heartbroken. I'm not saying this for pity, but I have recently been diagnosed with depression largely because of this. I can't stop feeling regret and move past the grief. And I certainly do not want him out of guilt at all - I love this man very dearly. I am looking for advice to understand and heal from this, not judgment. I am very aware I made mistakes here, and that's why I've been working very hard on healing the issues that created this situation in the first place. Even if I never talk to my ex again, I never want to put somebody through the pain I put him through. I loved him very much. Even he told me he was proud of how much progress I'd made the last time we spoke.

 

I never told him he was a second-rate boyfriend. He felt second in the sense I was still working on healing the past relationship while with my ex, which he knew of and encouraged, but that my pre-occupation over healing with the last ex often made me emotionally unavailable. So he felt second, and he was second in the sense I couldn't give him all of me. I don't mean second in terms of who I thought was better etc...hell no, I really admired my ex and was deeply attracted to him for his own unique qualities. I described my last relationship to give some context. I wrote "I was still in love with my ex" to make things very short/simple. The reality is, I was confused about my feelings for the last relationship - I wasn't in love, I was addicted to the abuser's validation as I'd learn later in therapy. These were things I wasn't aware of while with him, so I just thought this must have been love I felt for my previous ex. My ex knows these things now, but you are probably right that he is exhausted and scared of getting hurt again. He doesn't get angry at me, just tells me to keep working on myself. I think you are right that he probably doesn't trust my intentions anymore - maybe he is scared I haven't fully healed, just that I think I have like I did last time. I know I have a long way to go in other areas of my life, and I need to work on my mental health more. But the one thing I know I have let go of now is the ex before him. But I can understand why he can't trust that anymore.

 

He did help me heal certainly. The fight we had that made me admit I wasn't as healed was over a string of lies he kept repeatedly making over things to me. It triggered off my old fears from the last relationship of having my trust broken/manipulated, and so I broke down and everything came out. He asked if I was still in love with my ex at that point, and I just said "I don't know, maybe". Then I thought I did, although as said, now I am aware I didn't, it's just the addiction to the abuser thing coming out. To be honest I don't even think I myself realized how attached I still was to the last relationship up until that point, or how I felt. I was in a lot of denial.

 

So I'm thinking he doesn't want to get back together because he doesn't trust I've healed as much as I say or think, perhaps. Another thing I forgot to mention is I have moved much further away recently from where we both lived, so perhaps that plays a part. Still the same state, but quite a long drive away. And he has had a lot of relationships in his life, most of which he himself admits haven't lasted very long. So maybe it's all three? I'm thinking now though it has more to do with the first after reading all your posts....

 

Thanks for all the help, guys.

[winniethepooh]

Ex called but didn't respond after I told him not to contact - what do I do?

I really don't know what to do, or why he called, and I was wondering for some advice?

Why wouldn't he respond?

I don't know what to make of it or what to think of it.

You're looking for answers, an explanation, understanding. I'm trying to give you some from my perspective.

 

You also posted this in the Getting Back Together forum so I assume that's what you want, even if you haven't explicitly stated that.

 

So rather than just blithely say go NC NC NC, I'll search for the most likely possibility that improves the chances of getting back together, because I don't believe NC is the way to do that. That said, it's pretty much hopeless if one or both don't want to get back together. But sometimes people aren't clear about what they want, so I'm trying to figure out if your ex really does want to get back together but is making a crap job of saying so.

 

Thank you for your input, I really do appreciate it but I'd like to ask respectfully that you not use statements like "that's such a cop out". It's not necessary, and it can be misconstrued as hurtful, and you really are just getting a small snippet of what happened.

Well, that's the snippet I'm dealing with. I said cop out because that's my opinion. I could have said that's such a hurtful thing to say but cop out reflects my opinion better.

 

I have been on the receiving end of comments like you made, and comments like something is a cop out. In my experience it is far more hurtful and damaging to me when I have invested a great deal into a relationship with someone who turns around afterwards and says oh she wasn't ready to receive that love and emotional investment, sorry and goodbye. Especially when I have helped them heal from the poison of their previous relationship, which results in me being drained and her moving on to someone who is more alive and energetic.

 

I am already vulnerable, and believe me, I am more than heartbroken. I'm not saying this for pity, but I have recently been diagnosed with depression largely because of this.

I expect most people here are, or have been, to a greater or lesser extent. I don't think I'm heartbroken or depressed anymore but I'm probably still vulnerable.

 

But depression because of what? Your previous abusive ex, or your more recent ex? And if the more recent ex, because you hurt him or because he dumped you?

 

If you don't want a pity party, don't go looking for one.

 

I can't stop feeling regret and move past the grief.

You can and you will, but it will take a while. Do things that help, don't get so wound up about some idiot on an internet forum using blunt language or saying things you don't agree with. Everyone has different perspectives, accept the ones that make sense to you, disagree or ignore the ones that don't.

 

And I certainly do not want him out of guilt at all - I love this man very dearly.

Does he know this?

 

I am looking for advice to understand and heal from this, not judgment.

You want to heal from the break-up or you want to get back together? If the former then I think you've posted in the wrong section.

 

Most advice is tinged with judgement one way or another.

 

I am very aware I made mistakes here, and that's why I've been working very hard on healing the issues that created this situation in the first place.

The significant issue that created this situation is that you were with someone who abused you, as a result leaving you damaged, then you disconnected and got together with someone new despite knowing at the time it was too soon.

 

I told him from the beginning that I'd just gotten out of a stressful long-term relationship and was still healing, so didn't want to be with him. Unfortunately, we fell for each other pretty hard, things went really fast, and the next thing I knew I was in a serious relationship while still not over my previous. Bad move, I know.

So do you know how to avoid getting into that situation again with someone new?

 

You can't rewind the clock and change or heal those things. You can't (or perhaps shouldn't is a better word) try and heal your abusive ex. You can change what you do from here so you don't repeat history.

 

You might be able to help your current ex to heal or get back together or both. You can help yourself heal. That's what I'm focused on.

 

Even if I never talk to my ex again, I never want to put somebody through the pain I put him through. I loved him very much. Even he told me he was proud of how much progress I'd made the last time we spoke.

Fair enough sentiment. What progress is he talking about? Your healing?

 

I never told him he was a second-rate boyfriend.

One day we had a fight over a minor lie he made it, and it slipped up I was still harboring some feelings for my old bf before him. He decided he couldn't handle this anymore as he said he always felt second to my last boyfriend, which many times I hate to admit, he was. He broke up with me.

Ok, so you didn't tell him as such, but he felt like he was, and it turns out he was right about that as you hated to admit. So whether you told him or not, he felt like it. And his actions are driven in part by his feelings. So if you want to understand why he does what he does, you need to understand how he feels and how much they contribute to his actions.

 

The fight we had that made me admit I wasn't as healed was over a string of lies he kept repeatedly making over things to me. It triggered off my old fears from the last relationship of having my trust broken/manipulated, and so I broke down and everything came out. He asked if I was still in love with my ex at that point, and I just said "I don't know, maybe". Then I thought I did, although as said, now I am aware I didn't, it's just the addiction to the abuser thing coming out. To be honest I don't even think I myself realized how attached I still was to the last relationship up until that point, or how I felt. I was in a lot of denial.

Well, his lies are a significant issue, especially for you if you've been lied to and manipulated before. I can understand why you might have some fears about continuing in a relationship with him.

 

The rest of it, well, that's probably a whole lot more difficult to deal with than the average person can. At least you're aware of it. But if it's a struggle for you, then it's likely to be a struggle for him also. All of that drains both your energies, and eventually something gives ... like your relationship.

 

So I'm thinking he doesn't want to get back together because he doesn't trust I've healed as much as I say or think, perhaps. Another thing I forgot to mention is I have moved much further away recently from where we both lived, so perhaps that plays a part. Still the same state, but quite a long drive away. And he has had a lot of relationships in his life, most of which he himself admits haven't lasted very long. So maybe it's all three? I'm thinking now though it has more to do with the first after reading all your posts....

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to get back together? He might know better than any of us.

 

By being clear with him and telling him not to contact you any more, you've kind of taken on a dumper role and forced him to accept a path he might not want, even though it was of his own choosing in the first place.

 

It also sounds like you've tried everything you can to fix things, which is why it doesn't entirely make sense to me as to why he's behaving the way he is. Hence by being a bit blunt, I'm hoping to dislodge something in your mind that might give a different perspective.

 

If he phones you, he does that because he wants to for some reason. And from everything you've said, I don't think it's because he just wants to hear your voice, or do some heavy breathing. But then when you answer, he freezes up. Try sending him an email - ask him if he really wants to stay broken up and why, because you don't, but if that's what he really wants, then you will accept that to show that you respect him and his decision.